Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Starting the Eulogy....


The siblings (4) have decided that we will share the Eulogy...I, as the youngest will start. I have written and re-written my part a million times. We decided that we would each speak for two minutes...well now that was a trick too...it is hard to say much in that amount of time. To speak about a life time. I decided that his greatest attribute was that he gave of himself to his family...all of himself. It actually is better spoken than read but I am posting it here to keep it safe and somehow ease the difficulty of speaking it tomorrow. I pray I do not crack...if I start it will not stop.
Dad...
Today we say goodbye to a man who gave his life, every bit of it, to his family.

It has been a very long farewell -- over the past years we have come to know a very different man from the one we will recall today: a man with no words, no ability to tell stories and in the end not even to raise his own glass.

Today we will remember a man with a huge capacity to love--who gave endlessly. Still it is has been hugely important to know you both. To look into those beautiful blue eyes these past few years and feel honored to give back some small measure of all you gave to me.

Just over ten years ago you were given last rites after a massive stroke.(Dad loved this story) But a miracle occurred and you came back. I am certain out of love. Love for a woman and your family. That night on the 3rd floor in Portsmouth Hospital as you reached out from the depth of your comma to touch Mom’s face it was so clear.

There was nothing, nothing that you would not do for love.

Did you know what lay ahead? The hard work of recovering from a stroke and years of fighting the horrible affects of Alzheimer’s? Would you have come back? ------ Yes there is no doubt. I think you knew that we were not ready to say good bye.

And so as you had done your whole life, you set aside your needs and met ours.

Jackie reminded me the other day of the book “The Giving Tree”…that story is your story. For those of you who do not know this book…a tree loves a boy, gives all she has to the boy…her branches for climbing and fun, her apples for the boy to sell as a young man, the branches to build a home, the trunk for a boat in his mid life crisis and her stump for the boy to rest late in life.

You Dad were that tree…giving to each of us in countless ways over the whole of your 84 years. You provided roots; the dependable son, husband, father and grand-father…the man who would drive miles for a concert, a game, to an art showing or for an ice cream. You provided branches…a beautiful farm house filled with animals and adventure, ski retreats and a lakeside paradise.

You built your home within our hearts so that it was never far and in the end you gave us a room to come, to visit and rest beside you.

You lived your love. You loved your life. You loved us.

How great a gift we all received.

Your defeat of death that day some 11 years ago was not your final gift. It was your slow, quiet and prepared death that gave us time to be here today ready to say goodbye. Thank you! I Love you.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Father...Fly well


On Monday morning December 21 my father passed away. He was in a nursing home, had been for years due to his advanced Alzheimer's disease. We received the call at 8:45 that he was struggling to breath, we had asked that we be notified if his condition changed so that he would not die alone. Despite our efforts he died with a care giver from the nursing home as we drove down I-95.

After the call we continued to the nursing home. We sat--my mother, sister, brother in law, son in law and daughter with Dad. It seemed right to remain after his death. We waited until the funeral home came to take him away. It was the last time I would sit with him in that familiar room, look at his pictures of family on the wall and listen to the hum of his air mattress. My sister arrived a few minutes before me and being the nurse (the one who had spent many of her early evenings in the past few years feeding him) she dutifully and lovingly cleaned him up and cut his nose hairs. It made my mother pleased.

As we waited one by his head, one at his feet, others moving about he remained the center of our focus. His warmth began to leave, as too I am certain did his soul. But we waited in that room, we talked, we cried and laughed (a little). Visits with Dad over the past years had become a source of connection for us all. Over the past months the great grand children had visited. They are four and five. Dad would watch as they closed his curtains in his semi private room and built a "fort". Sometimes he smiled and it was nice to see how they became less and less uncomfortable with this old man. He was, to them, great grandpa who lived in the nursing home. I think those visits entertained him, they made me feel good.

Today I awake and wonder where is he now? I miss him, I will miss that our patriarch is gone. Life goes on. Dad was a pilot I am certain he is flying well.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Holiday Parties


Last night was the holiday party. It was a hoot. The venue was pretty sad, a local club that smelled kind of stale and had weird lighting. But what was great were that over 100 folks came out in the cold to share food, drinks and some dancing. I enjoyed the event, not totally enjoying this morning as I never drink hard alcohol and since they did not serve wine (told you already about the venue) and some years ago I became allergic (seriously) to beer I up and ordered Absolute. At 51 years old I am fully aware that vodka, in even small amounts, is not my friend. So today I am just a tiny bit tired, look older than my age and my head hurts.

I started to think of all the holiday parties in my lifetime, the good ones and the bad. I have to say that as a whole they are a commitment. That led me to wonder if all people feel this way. I will start to ask people about their "work" holiday parties. Do a mini survey on the topic, do you like it? Look forward? Is it an obligation or an event? What might the results be?

Ah well right now this old foolish lady needs to shower and try to conceal last night's Absolute. But hey it is already Thursday!


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Running Late, Holiday Party and Budget Cuts


Okay so I have spent the morning cruising blogs and I am running late for Rotary. I had to check in because I have established this discipline, or should say I am trying to establish the discipline. It has been a blue few days.

Tonight at TPC is our Holiday work party and we have over 100 folks coming. That is a good thing. I love to see everyone and just be able to enjoy an evening. Unlike other work events I am not expected to do a thing, no speeches, no big presentation. It is a good time for me to be with the folks that matter.

The economy and looming budget cuts have us all sitting on the edge of our seats. Maine, I am certain is like other states cutting every area of their budget. Supporting people with Developmental Disabilities always leaves you vulnerable to these cuts.

I am glad the party is tonight. I am proud of the work we do as an agency and the people who work for me. I am fortunate. I am clearly doing my own little self assurance here, keep stating that all is well and it will be, even for the pessimist. Right?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday, lovely lovely day


What is great about Fridays? Often they represent pay day. For many, like me, the end of the work week. We spend a life time in school being conditioned to love Fridays. Eating out or ordering in is a great Friday treat. There is a whole restaurant chain called Fridays.

I love this day, the excitement that I get to go home and be with my family. I can stay up late and not worry about the 5:30 alarm and three snoozes. Truth be told I still fall asleep by ten because I will allow myself the extra drink tonight. Hey that is life on the edge. I will sleep until, hmmm maybe 7:30-Glorious!

It is the knowing that makes Friday great. I know that I can anticipate a day of my own choice without guilt. I can anticipate Patriots football and plan all day tomorrow the menu for Patriots football. I can spend a quiet hour in a beautiful place of worship on Sunday (at the 10:30 service ...remember got to sleep in!) I will possibly get my hair cut or my nails done or walk the beach at Dead Duck (Don't ask just is the name of our little beach). There are always a million more ideas and plans than ever get executed. That is the gift and greatness of Friday: a hundred possible things to do and I will choose them all!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tuesday Behind the Big Desk


Yes today is Tuesday and it is the second day back from vacation. I spent yesterday reviewing budgets, department outcomes and attending (part day) one division's staff retreat to regroup, find honest communication and their voice. Oh and did I mention a Rotary board meeting last night? No I am not on the board just a member but enjoy finding out what is going on and ....well truthfully I am in need of a make up meeting.

So after a week off, taking care of grand babies (my two baby girls now 5 and 4) I re-entered the other world of Deb. This Deb has pondered the reasons for many things but mostly sits with knowledge that she would rather not share. Leading an organization has some great perks, you get to set the pace, make decisions and have the final word. You enjoy a better pay, not much better but better. You feel important and hmmmm....I am running short!

The truth is very few decisions are truly yours. No good or bad deed will go unnoticed and the complaints will be upon your doorstep within minutes, sometimes before you even publicly make the decision (does someone read my mind and facebook my stuff?) The pace you set is never the pace you really want, trust me on this one. NO one goes at the pace I set....well maybe that is not true when I kick back (and at times leadership becomes too much and I find myself trying to do minimal things like clean up the web site or revisit mailing lists) it does seem that people slow down, relax and try to keep an eye on me.

Now feeling important, that is cool. I can and I may walk into a room full of those folks who work for me and command attention. I can get my name into the local paper once in a while for some new and cool thing I am a part of or I can just sit in my big office (which I gladly share as a conference room) and say wow how important am I? Just about then a dissatisfied customer calls me and I realize that my importance is high, the expediter, fixer of the problem that my decisions caused. I never went to school for this: who teaches complaint protocol 101?

Tuesday...today I will begin to fix, readjust and reassess. Today I make some decisions. I wonder if they already know?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Oh My Lord...patience is all I pray for! (Well and secretly money)


So off to church today for my second week...oh boy we are off and running! I have had a long break from my faith pursuit. I have returned to my roots and the church of my childhood. But that aside the morning and all it took to get to church is my focus now.

The day started when grand baby Sky could not find her slippers. Not a happy morning person, not at all a morning person. After crawling in with Nana and "Bobob" at some ridiculous early hour she awoke to find them missing. The search and subsequent discovery of said slippers was a traumatic thirty minutes. The girls (both grand babies) and their mother decided to spend an hour in the woods with our two dogs...their dog (big black lab) and my dog (welsh corgi)...both dogs decided to roll in foreign animal pooh...very smelly, sticky and disgusting. Baths for dogs.

Mother, with Alzheimer's was moving from bathroom to bathroom totally thrown off by the dogs, misplaced her coffee four times, forgot where her curling iron was and asked at least ten times what time church started.

There were other moments not worthy of mention, the call from son to tell me a dozen reasons why he was not able to make it to boot hockey with Bobob. My step son's decision to wake up five minutes before he is to leave for his church (he prefers the local assembly of God) and expect access to the bathroom . Oh and did I mention that it snowed last night, first of the year so that all the cars were covered?

So we rush off to church with the snow covering the squirt part of my windshield wipers and the bright sun creating a visual nightmare. Get to church to only find that I did not fully understand the rules of church school for the girls. (that happens between the two services) so they are in church with Mom (who forgets where we are going) and me, Nana. I am not sure who was harder to control during church: the girls who found the small little "benches" which are really for knelling to be wonderful toys but when they tip make a very loud noise or great grandma. One of the bench events happened in the middle of the second Gospel reading. My mother moved her "little bench" all over the place, forgot where she was heading as we walked up for communion and the five year old had to say, loudly, "No Great Grammy this pew" as they wondered around the church two people ahead of me because the youngest grand baby freaked when the Priest tried to bless her. The sermon was good, I am pretty sure.

After communion I knelt down and prayed for patience---that was all....just patience. I am home now. I am waiting for the patience: patiently!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Oh No Saturday...the work day


For all of us who work Saturday is the "home work" day. Doesn't it make you crazy that every Saturday morning the chores are piled up and the house is screaming for someone to care. I think my curtains are asking for Merry Maids! I sit on the couch and look at the wood floor, the one I really love and under every chair the dust is piled...these are not cute dust bunnies these are horrible creatures filled with disease and uckies.

So the day begins....cleaning goes on for at least the morning. Then off to fight the other stressed humans at Market Basket (the best deal around for groceries) and bump carts with folks who all seem to have the same look as that horrible guy "the bounty hunter". We are all exhausted, all frustrated, all wishing we were somewhere else. (That is my theory anyway- I like to generalize)!!!

I get to top off my Saturday with a visit to Dad, sometimes wonderful and often very sad. (Nursing homes by their very nature just suck). Of course looking forward to this day off, this week is even more bizarre as I was on vacation all week so here I am on the second to last day. Now that makes it even worse. But somehow it is still Saturday, no alarm, choice of duties and timing of duties and well a visit with Dad.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Being in Everyone's Head!


I use the word codependency loosely but it is how I view myself, after 51 years of life I am pretty clear my diagnosis is correct. I live in every one's head, I think I understand what they are feeling, I react to that feeling and I feel all kinds of "stuff" based on that feeling. How about that for an explanation? No Wikepedia but you get the picture.

All my life I have felt blessed to be able to "read the room" very quickly. I meet someone and make quick judgments, then (this is where it gets good) I react to the person based on those "readings" and generally I give them what they want. Sounds easy, but live a lifetime of this and it is exhausting. I have only begun to understand the full power of this in my life now as I struggle to meet more needs, divergent needs than is possible. I have decided that I could, if I could sit still long enough, write a book about this lifestyle. I think I would title it "Codependents cannot train Dogs". See the empathy factor of a good codependent makes it impossible to be the Alpha Dog. That is my theory anyway.

So for today I accept this is who I am and will try harder to forgive folks in my life for my unrealistic expectations. I will also try to remember that I give to give not to get back.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Holidays over--great time for vacation


So what a great time to take some vacation days. I had a whirlwind Thanksgiving which was better because I knew that Monday would be all about me. Just getting time to cruise with hubby and hit second hand stores, have a lunch somewhere new and enjoy the ride. We are pretty simple in our fun.

Mom is back home, did I mention she left for a few weeks? She was not happy recently, she is not happy a lot lately. The Alzheimer's nightmare has been harder on her these past months. She is forgetting more and more and has faced her inability to drive. This forgetting makes her cranky and understandably depressed. Of course she was never one to take depression lightly. So after a few days with Becky (sister) and Lynn (other sister) she has returned. Last night she rearranged her room! Alone! This morning we rode to take the grand kids to school (their Mom is studying for law exams). It made Great grammy happy to see the school and be a part of the morning routine. It made the girls happy to show off their school. It was a good thing. As for the rest ...it is not easy but nothing is. I pray for patience for us all.

Off to shop for deals with Bob...the beans are baking and life in Eliot is quiet and peaceful.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Family, the gift of grandchildren


I sit here in the dark with my two grandchildren, two beautiful girls and think how blessed I am. They have spent two days at work with me, trying at times..hmmm that would be yes! But overall impressive. They found the porch at the administration office where I work, it is an older building with a side sun porch (no furniture) just loud wooden flooring and a row of windows. They ran up and down it, they brought their treasures of paper and bits of clay into it and they called it a fort! They moved from beneath the small kitchen table in our office to the porch and to the fort made of my conference table chairs and a throw blanket..oh yes and one pink scarf of mine. Stories and make believe while I answered emails and made obligatory phone calls. We went to the main day program site where our walking trails begin and they ran around the small loop, played on the edges of the container gardens and made up stories about the lawn swing. At five and four the whole world is an adventure.

I sit here in the dark putting into words the moments that I partially ignored today, busy with grants to get out, a family member in need of residential placement and a staff meeting to address fears and rumors regarding budget cuts and lay offs. All the while in my view, parallel to my so important world these two delightful creatures centered my reason for being. I am blessed.

Monday, November 23, 2009

LIfe it is Crazy


So here it is ....the holiday season and here we are with all that expectation and baggage. I used to visualize my "baggage" as a big ole pile of garbage following me around. The dutiful puppy, which I never owned because all of my dogs are raised by me and out of control. A good codependent has issues raising dogs. Maybe that should be the title of my book.

I digress which is something I do with great frequency, rather enjoy it actually. I liken it to stringing the "chain of causation" in a good tort case. How do all these seemingly unlike factoids actually fit into one conversation? Simple they are all related to the same author.

Okay so my mother is fighting with my sister and with the world. My mother who has lived with me the past two years and brought all of her dysfunction and her issues to the mix, who left to be with my other sister two weeks ago in a huff, a bad night and now is with other sister. The respite has been wonderful but it is sad because she is not wonderful. All in all she is upset, angry and now will not come to my stupid house for Thanksgiving. Well okay but we still have your life to deal with and the three sisters,whom you raised to distrust and generally dislike each other..who by the way have only really come back to liking each other in the past few years, are struggling to work through all this. What a life. Confused? So am I. But hey it is the holidays. Happy Turkey day with whatever that brings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Busy Busy


So where have I been? I am not sure. Busy very busy. I realize that sometimes I make myself busy with no real purpose but just keep moving.I over achieve (just a bit) and well maybe I should say I try to over achieve...and then always have this need to do more. I want to spend more time playing brain quest with Lexie and Sky. We play in the mornings before school ...it is routine. For every answer we drink our smoothies (all natural yogurt, berries and honey) hope that I am not teaching them drinking games! Sure is a great way to get a full glass of nutrition down! I am going to find ways to slow down. Yes I am...really!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Visiting Dad


So I spoke to Hospice and I talked to the nurses to convey that we really do not want them to force him to eat. I have asked that they discontinue feeding him supplements of calories (to what end I ask?) and that they respect that he and his family understand he is dying. My goodness my poor Dad has been dying a slow death for years. Nancy Reagan was not kidding when she said "the long good bye". I is a horrible disease and a horrible existence. My father would never have wanted to live this way. Yesterday I went to see him before work, he looked old and tired in the morning, really old. He tried to smile and his blue eyes met mine a few times and then he fell back to sleep. I miss him, have missed him for a while now...and yet if I could find a way to scoop him out of that place and bring him home to die....I would in a minute. I will ponder that today.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Life's Circles...the family tree!


This weekend was filled with so many things. My father who is in end stages of Alzheimer's was on death's door and suddenly has yet again (seriously ever since he came back from his brain hemorrhage ten years ago after last rites he has had several of these come backs) revived himself...This time it seems he is making contact with all of us. It is so bizarre..no he is not saying "Hello Deb there are so many things I have wanted to share over the last five years"but he is making eye contact...nodding and looking more alert than he has for years. If you mention someones name he looks at his bulletin board with all the family pictures as if he is trying to find them. Each of us, my sisters and I have had moments with him this last week that have been amazing. My daughter Jackie spent an hour with him the other day and what a gift! He is not the frail,thin, toothless old man that you first find when you enter his room. He is Dad and grandpa. He is getting ready to die.


On the other extreme two grand babies who currently live with me have been fighting the flu. Poor girls are both sick,the oldest one having had two separate trips to the ER after rejecting the anti viral medications given. Holding them and caring for them is so profound after just holding Dad's hand. Life goes on and circles back to this little family in this giant universe. Mine.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Life...wondering and worry


What is the difference between wondering about things and worry? When do you cross the line from I wonder "what if" or I wonder "how come" to worrying "what if" and "how will I"? I have decided that many times I am more in a wondering frame of mind and that worry is a more common word, more familiar. I grew up with the Queen of Worry...my Mom. I think, in retrospect, it sounds much kinder and cooler to think of her as the Queen of Wonder. See the difference?


The other night I wondered about my son, my daughter and my checking account for many hours between 1am and 4am...but mainly I wondered if the strong smell of fuel would kill me or my family. Bob at one am did not find it worthy of wonder and groggily asked that I just trust him...all was okay...at 3am upon waking with the smell stronger than ever he decided to wonder too. This led to the realization that it was not our furnace...such a great piece of information for all my wondering-rather we had placed our generator in its' new location and the fuel line was leaking..ah I wonder how that happened? I am glad to know that the smell of gas will not kill you...will, in some cases lead to lack of sleep and a slight case of resentment for those who can sleep. I wonder if my checking account could be as simple as the fuel smell?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Family, Work and Soup


So Dad is sick again...but this time it is really sad. He is in pain and I worry they are not fully appreciating the situation. He cannot speak but his lips are swollen perhaps from medications or more likely (as he is doing this) from holding them tightly shut. He refuses to eat --maybe sore throat ... what is sad is that he continues to linger and we cannot reach him to know what he needs. It is such a horrible disease. Sunday I could not wake him and yesterday my sister reported the same, thank goodness she is a nurse and will address some concerns she has about his pain and the medications that they are using and not using.


Off to work, moved offices and that feels like a fresh start. Just wish I could figure how to make the toughest choices when it comes to making the bottom line work. I also wish I could figure out how to motivate people who seem to not be so. It seems at times that for many, even those I would think should be otherwise, they just don't really care or take care maybe is a better word of what we have...it is hard I know to push that extra mile. It is a hard thing to relate to as an over achiever. The cause seems so clear and the work so important yet we struggle...I worry that there is a better way to lead and wonder how that might be.


But at the end of the day I come home to my little apartment away from home and get my progresso soup...it is quiet and I will reflect the days events...read my book and sleep. So goes the world in Oxford County.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Family, football and cabbage


Today was a bit of a struggle...started with bumps that seemed to carry through the morning and are here with me tonight. Feeling the stress of working far away and being out of home for days at a time. Also feel the stress that my family is under. Just usual stuff but more of it here on the set of "lives of the old, disabled, screwed up and hopelessly codependant"! blah,blah, blah....rain and snow too! Visited Dad today and that was a bust, he would not even wake up.


Football game was good...Pats had a blow out and it was pretty much a wrap by half time. And the cabbage soup was pretty tasty ..although I do not recommend the red cabbage for it..the purple color just does not speak to me. Taste's okay but not the same as plain old green cabbage. So that was the day...family-football-cabbage.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The radio and quiet time.


I do not want winter. I want more summer. More warm evenings and long light days...ah but winter waits for no one. It is cold outside and I fear here we are about to get snow in Maine.
I am listening to a radio show, not fully aware of the subject..it is about baseball and I think that Bob would love to listen and would appreciate the conversation...Reggie Jackson is talking right now and I know he could give me a run down of his stats and life time in baseball. It is a time that I miss Bob.

I like the conversation going on...makes my time alone up here in South Paris feel less lonely. Makes it easier to spend the night, the quiet not so noticeable. I have found that coming here is hard...I hate leaving home and my family. I hate when I call home and I hear the grandchildren in the background and think that could be my reality in a year or so ALL the time. I hate missing my little doggie Hannah while I am away....I want to go home but hate the drive back and when I get here it is a bit like running a ten miler...you put your head into it and just keep going b/c stopping half way is death. I miss home. But here I am ready for rest starting a long week.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Dad's Door


Last night I felt my Dad was calling me...woke up and he was emotionally in the room with me. My Dad is well into end stages of Alzheimer's...several times we have been called by the nursing home with fear that he maybe giving up...he has not. The last time I saw him I looked into his eyes for a very long time and told him how much I missed him. Though I did not mean to cry I could not fight my tears. He held my hand (which he often does but then he did something unusual, he rubbed my forearm as if to comfort). I know that when you love someone with this disease you grasp at straws...look for that small spark in the eye or that smile that says...Yeah I know you, I love you, I forgive that you leave me here in this place...But really they do not often come. Just when I think he is responding he responds the same way to his CNA.


I woke up last night and missed him, felt him with me in a strange way. I usually do not go every weekend (selfishly it is so painful and the time it takes feels not only wasted often but like punishment) I know that is not the way I would like to think of myself...I should be the daughter with endless love (as he had for me) who spends her free time at his side but ten years later it seems alot to be with him a few times a month. I know if he could speak, he would tell me to use my time for his great grandchildren and his grandchildren. He would remind me that he knows how much love we share and that together or apart nothing changes that. He would tell me that he spends his time in a new space now that does not require conversation. Still I look for him to offer something and I hide from the truth that he cannot and never will again. But something calls and I am not sure what. I think I will visit tomorrow and find out.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Gym time...This is the it!


Okay it has been a few days in a row..I am getting over the "after work" thing. I can get to the gym at 6pm and it is okay. In fact it is really good. So I am going to push forward and see where it takes me. I do know that if I do not make time to go daily I will not go at all. So here is to the rest of my week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday--feeling like a BEAR!


So it is a Monday. I feel sad to be away from my family this Monday. It has been a wonderful weekend and I am not making the work a week adjustment. It will come, I know it will. I have felt restless lately. I had a friend who once told me that I am addicted to change...she was right I think. I am never fully satisfied and often want for more, even when I am not certain what more would look like. As my friend Nancy says: I will ponder this.


Today was a bad day for working out-tomorrow is to the gym at lunch time. Keep me honest and ask me! I am tired and miss my comfortable bed in Eliot...this one in South Paris sucks! Oh well at least I can kick off the covers as much as I want without anyone sighing. The hot flashes, while not so regular, still kind of creep me out. Here we go to Tuesday! Better days a coming.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yesterday's list


Okay so I drove by the doggie walk and fundraiser. I looked for an island without success. I found a great deal on a new refrigerator since ours went on the fritz...and I cooked cabbage stew (yummy). I spent the day with my daughter and grand kids, the afternoon part with Bobby...and it was a pretty darn good day. Oh yes and I did NO work, work...well maybe one email. But really nothing. I did a very very short work out...but did walk.


Today I plan to do a fuller exercise, have a nice pork roast (saw on Martha) and watch the Patriots game. I am working hard to not have plans today...I will report what that feels like...oh my goodness I feel them creeping into my head as we speak but resisting. Wish me luck.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Feeling like I always carry a flock of stuff to do!!!


The alarm went off, I always forget to change it for the weekend (I suspect part of me enjoys hearing it, shutting it off and then saying "yeah I do not have to get up" smile and roll over). I must admit I often get up by 6:30 anyway...so this morning I hung out thinking, as I do most mornings about the day ahead.
Here was the chain of thoughts:

I need to sand and repaint my stairs

I want to attend the Cocheco Animal Rescue Dog Parade with girls and Hannah

I think I will make cabbage stew (got cabbage in my csa this week)

I really should start painting the kitchen cabinets

I want to find a functional island for my kitchen to improve my cooking space

I must work out, maybe I will join the gym on the route one by pass

I need to do some work-work

........ And so it goes, now I am sitting feeling that it is almost nice that I wrote it all down...does not look so bad. I also realize that much will get side tracked no matter how hard I try to organize it all and move forward. But what is amazing to me is that I cannot just enjoy the quiet day off...that I always have this need to do and accomplish. I am working on that. Really I am.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Okay working out no so good....


Yes that is me and hubby at Pine Island and he cannot keep his eyes open...haha. But I look kind of okay so.
One day at the gym...one...and well few meager attempts at exercise in the mornings. What is up with this? I am certain that I can do this and I am more certain that I need to. My main question is what is up with the attitude? Why am I still ignoring my body and my needs. I have a roll in my midsection...Good heavens what more do I need?????


I am sitting here on Friday morning and you know what? I am going to my last day of the leadership Institute for MANP and I have no, zero intent on exercising. Okay I will do my 15 minute warm up in the morning. Seriously as soon as I am done here that is what I will do. Really! BTW the training has been wonderful. I have got to get myself to some more of this stuff, it inspires me and gives me mental energy. There were some of the best trainings I have participated in, Bravo to MANP.


Okay so ladies here is to my last sip of coffee and a few minutes with one of the freebies on Exercise TV.com ...great place to get work out video that you can run on your computer. It is FRIDAY....yippee.

PS sending extra special good vibes to my friend Nancy!!!!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

We are not getting younger!


Darn it we just will never get younger. No amount of "cover up" will hide the circles that now have taken up residence below my eyes--they were my favorite part of my face...poor babies now often look worn out and framed by wrinkled skin. My muffin top...a phrase I only learned from Exercise TV is now seriously holding my bra far from my pant top...which could be better than the under wire for which I pay dearly in my bra! I am tired by 7pm and get up to go to the bathroom at least three times before I sleep and at a minimum twice during the night. Alright I confess the occasional night when I sleep at 10 and wake up at 5am with excitement beyond belief that I slept threw the night...simple things.


Ladies we certainly have gotten a tough deal...no doubt. But then there are moments when I love so deeply, as I look at my children or hear my grand babies say something so sweet and cute that I am lost to my pains. We are so fortunate to be the ones who bring life to the world and who get to cherish all its' special moments. No offense to the guys...it is just not the same. Helps me to get past the lines growing around my mouth.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Been Tired and well Not Sure


Okay so I have been out of sorts...the days fly by and the to do list never shortens...too many loose ends and too few hours. I feel I have no right to be a whiner but I cannot resist. I fully appreciate that I am feeling sorry for myself, yes indeed this is a pity party.


I am going to pick it up. Seriously I need to work out, get out and do somethings for myself. So I am trying to figure out what thing it will be this week. But for tonight I still have to find emails for my Rotary membership committee meeting. So while I ponder (love that word took it from Nancy B) what next to do that will make my life fuller and my mind at ease I will email a few Rotarians. Any thoughts ladies? I need a push...a BIG one to get out of my own way. Happy Football season. :)

Monday, August 24, 2009

Some days get Long!


I have been thinking how some days seem so long...what is that anyway? I can wake up on a day with seemingly nothing important to do and the whole thing flies by. Then there are others that drag endlessly...one meeting to the next, one task to the next all very, very slowly.


I think at times when life throws out curve balls...when family, friends and wellness all become fragile and I become annoyed with the tedious tasks of the day. I have a friend who is facing breast cancer...I have an ex brother in law (whom I care deeply for) who is also facing breast cancer. Both face surgery and difficult times in the next months. Both have deeply touched me. Their lives give me reason to stop and to feel my living in a different way. I see the odds in simple numbers, each day a gift and yet as it passes I am aware that I am statistically closer to the failings of our human bodies and minds. I feel sad and blessed to be with people who face the dark places. I want to know the right words to say, the right way to be present without being trite. I see with brilliant clarity my silly concerns amidst their bravery. Ah life is funny and some days seem so long. It is good that night is here and I am ready to let go. I will send positive thoughts to my two friends.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Who among us knows Hallelujah?


My hubbie has this thing he does...every day he posts the "song of the day" on Eliot on Line...it is a local list serve. He puts a great deal of thought into these songs...such as Sunday is always spiritual and the weeks have themes. Recently he posted a song that has been with me for days by its' original author...it is a beautiful song and worth the listen.


Hallelujah...is the song and the original creator was Leonard Cohen...the words are so beautiful. The images he creates with his words are so wonderful...there is a line that he uses "its a very cold and broken hallelujah" and so many times in my life I have known that feeling...but I am grateful that I know the hallelujah...so take a listen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttv5dyvtF4o


Happy Happy Hallelujah!

Monday, August 17, 2009

What about the heat?


Okay it is hot. Really hot. It has been a long time since I have been forced to live without air conditioning and this is crappy. I am trying to think what it is like for millions of folks who live without the advantage of AC. I am becoming one with them. Well not really because I have several fans...but still no cold air. I have waited all summer for this and now I ask myself what it is I like about hot weather anyway. Oh and did I mention in my new tiny and ucky apartment I have no good food...seriously...black coffee, a few cans of soup (progresso of course) and some black beans. No sugar, no good fruit and no yummy chocolate. Wow maybe I can loose weight. But it is hot here on this second floor walk up. A life time, a huge mortgage on a too big, too old, too new england home in beautiful Eliot Maine...but here I am in a four plex in South Paris...yep life has some funny turns now don't it? I think this is a tylenol pm night.


So when you find regular America...farm land, hard working and hard playing families romantic. Let me tell you this. It is hot in a heat wave!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Reset...time to start a new way of doing!


This morning I am going to walk on Dead Duck Beach. terrible name--great place. I am taking Hannah the puppy with me and we will stroll along the sand. I am going to kayak again today..yesterday was very nice...sunny and quiet. I am going to do a few things for work on my "to do" list and I am going to get happier.


I have to find a balance in my days and stop worrying. The sun is shining so it should be a nice day for all these plans. I will exercise and spend a few minutes on personal reflection. Wish me Luck!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I am tired...Did I sign up for this?


Do you ever find yourself saying..breath...just breath or trying to find a way to escape the reality in your sights. I am so tired of the grind. I am not trying to have a pity party---well maybe a bit. I find the grind each day to be just a tiny bit exhausting. The million things that need to be fixed...the million more that should be fixed and the other million I want to fix because they make me crazy to look at.


I am pretty sure my life could be a reality TV show...seriously you would only have to spend a week here at my house and you would agree. I live with a ridiculous number of people...my husband, my mother (82 and vrey tired!!), my daughter and her two children...my lovely grand daughters 3 and 5, a man (28) with developmental disabilities, and my son who has just returned from many years in Chicago...long story you can fill in the blanks. Here we all are..broken, crazy and well, yes tired.


I am not sure how I got here. I know that it should be much quieter these days but instead we have added so much more. Mostly, it is not the people I am frustrated with but the roof, the wet basement and the many places that require paint. I am tired of my husband telling me that this or that cannot be done, he is likely frustrated with me asking...I find myself looking at my house wondering if this year the tornado season might strike 682 River Road with a bang..or a swoosh or whatever would require a total rebuild. (of course all of us would be at dinner at Ruby's at the time) So with all these thoughts and issues running through my head I am tired. Did I mention that my mother does not like my husband?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Books and Things


I have this book, it was returned to me after I had loaned it and what is most important is that I have loaned this book many times but this was my original read. I open the book to all my notes and comments, my underlines and I feel like I have traveled to a woman long ago yet still the same. I see the words that I wrote in the margins and I am amazed to feel so much the same. The book is a favorite about faith and being a woman, it is a remarkable read and often people have not heard of it. The book is An Interrupted Life, The Diaries of Etty Hillesum 1941-1943.


Here is a quote that has always been a favorite:

"As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts which we accept with gratitude."


What a wonderful thought indeed. Perhaps that is why the people I have worked with all my life, people with developmental disabilities, are generally grateful for small things. It is both sad that they would have lower expectations but perhaps the one thing that I love the most. I am continually witness to what is good about life through their eyes.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What is up with the "Downs"?


So just when life is chugging along and you think you have some little amount of control...the downs hit again. What is up with that? Yesterday we had a set back on the home front, revisiting the darkness of addiction and watching someone you love struggle is so hard. Even hard for a person who feels like a life time of watching, hoping, praying and crying is enough. But then it is never enough...so why?

I said to Bob that he will never fully appreciate my side, it is hard for people who are in recovery to ever fully appreciate the side kick's role. The co-dependent wife, mother, friend ....blah blah blah. You wish so hard in your heart to gain control, to make the person right and yet you cannot...you want so to believe that even as the lies are spoken to you, even as you know them to be lies, you try to find some small piece of possibility to hold on to. It is an illusion, you know it is and slowly it kills you, sucks the life out of you and you realize that the only thing you control is yourself. I am not there today.

I am sad and worried. I carry the weight and burden of addiction for a loved one and it makes all of me hurt, I know it is wrong I am aware it does no good but here I am. So I will try to walk through the day, I will visit old friends and try to engage and not resent that my day is not what I had hoped for...a long series of those in a life time should give me some starting point.

And yes I will travel the pathways of my life, journey to days gone by and wonder what I was thinking then...how much damage did my own brokenness cause. I will visit those regrets like old fussy sweaters that you try own, feel a degree of comfort while knowing it is hopelessly outdated and smelly. Still I will sit with it for a while.

I pray. I have not other place to be.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oh No lost all my stuff computer crash


I feel horrible..and on this new lap top having issues with typing. I lost my beloved HP laptop! I am not sure what happened. Hard Drive corrupt--those were the words and now I am with new lap top...not happy and all my "stuff" is gone. I have no ones email, no files that were saved and most of all my out look is lost with all my mail folders. UCK. I am having a second opinion on the hard drive as we speak. I just know that some computer whiz out there can find my stuff. It is amazing how much we come to depend on these things. So here it is friends...if you do not hear from me please email as likely I have lost your email with my out look address book. I am sick and will have to ponder recovery. Hope this finds all your computer hard drives in one piece.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I wanna be in Bookelia


Tonight I wish I was in Bookelia on Pine Island, just sitting on the beach with the sun on my face and the girls looking for shells. I am amazed when I look at the pictures that I did not take more. I really would love to be a better photographer. So much of life passes and I barely have a picture to document the passing. But in the dark of my room I am thinking of the smells sounds of the beach. I looked at pictures of the vacation with Lulu (one of my granddaughters) earlier today and she got all emotional looking at them. She wants to live in Bookelia...why not all we do all day is play. Each morning I got up at 7 (late for me) briefly checked my email and the headlines for the day then went to sit on the beach. She would join me and immediately want to look for shells or little baby jelly fish. Sky (beautiful granddaughter number two) would follow shortly after (she is not so much of a morning person). We would look for new additions to our little beach and watch the pelicans dive for breakfast. Then we would sort out the shells, the pretty rocks and other artifacts in the sun to dry. Breakfast and the day began.

I ran everyday...or walked at least two miles and returned to the swimming pool with the girls...we hung out there til at least lunch...naps were a must (for everyone) and the lazy afternoons ran into dinner and feeding of the seagulls...that was about it...and that was what makes Bookelia so wonderful. I miss wonderful. Too bad we do not do more of that everyday.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Monday Morning

The alarm went off far too early this morning pulling me from a delightful dream land filled with the usual confusion and charm. I wanted to snooze at least once but did not. Sitting here with my coffee, which is a bit strong for my taste (but am thankful I do not have to make it in my Eliot home) I ponder the week ahead. These early morning minutes when all is quiet are precious. Often times my best work is done between five and nine in the morning before my feet ever hit pavement at the office parking lot.

Of course, this morning, like many I start with a personal catch up. Check my email..the usual stuff, Bob's list serve song of the day, two Belief.net emails (often inspiring but not always opened), weather alert (not inspiring but curious also not always opened), a few staggered emails from the previous evening and as always the daunting pile of emails in need of action: delete, folder, forward but ignoring them is the choice of the day. I know what they contain. I have seen most of them on my blackberry already. But here they are crying out...get organized, clean us up, free yourself from the bondage of email. Nope. Close outlook. This is Monday and there is a whole week ahead.

Ah sitting here quietly, the fan softly whirling. Putting a few thoughts to words. Visiting my face book and waking up slowly....that is a good thing. The emails will be there after my first cup of coffee as will the rest of the day. Right now it is just me and the quiet Monday morning.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Keeping Faith-Praying for a Friend


Sometimes we are faced with scary things in our lives. Sometimes we are asked to understand the unexplainable. Why is a young man with a world in front of him addicted to alcohol while so many of his age can enjoy and indulge with no ill effects? Why does this disease threaten to take the life of this man and so many others? Why do people we love become ill? Why do good people end up with horrible diseases and leave us saddened at their lot in life? Why do some people suffer mightily with relationships and mental illness?

Is faith about not asking why? Is faith about something more than our simple desire to explain the events that do not fit our plan?

Here is what I know. There is a God, we all have access, in a million languages and ways we are able to speak to and know God. God represents love and love is about trust. I would almost venture to say that trust is the hardest and most powerful of all the emotions we experience in love. That when all else fails this trust is the only thing that brings me peace and hope. When I spend time quietly each day with God, with my faith, my life is better. Not better because bad things do not happen but better in that I am able to move through those things with hope and faith that I am loved and cared for.

Brennan Manning ...(a total favorite of mine) puts it so beautifully when he is describing what he believes God would say to us if....
"My child, fan the flame of your confidence in Me. Keep it burning. I want you to be happy, to come back again and again to this feeling of trust until you are never without it. Trust is an aspect of love. If you love Me and believe in My love for you, you will surrender your whole self into My hands like a little child who doesn't even ask, "Where are you taking me?" but sets off joyously, hand in hand with his mother. How many blessings this happy confidence wins for you, My little one......In all of this see My tenderness. It is everlasting."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tuesday


I have no title for this...I just feel like sharing. I am not even certain what I want to share. I just feel as if there is a "thing" going on today and the last few days.

I find myself thankful for my crazy family, tired by my role of Nana and caring for two little ones. Missing my daughter, their mother on the west coast and blessed that I am able to reflect on it all with an open heart.

My son, 23 years old and fighting some of this world's biggest demons (addiction) recently spent a weekend in Vermont for a 12 step experience that he says "changed my life". He asked me if I pray or meditate everyday? I thought well I should- I try to ...I fail sometimes ...no too often! He said he got on his knees the last few days for a few minutes..now he does not profess to pray to Jesus or any denominational God but he does believe in a Higher Power..God. He then says he wants to meditate daily. He wanted to converse with God daily not just when he had need.

I thought about how wonderful it is when you start the process of being grateful...when you realize that everyday is a gift and all the BS is just that BS. When you decide to deliberately be happy and grateful for what we get each day. Today I am happy that my little grand babies remind me daily that laughter and fun are critical to happiness and to my nutty son for his inspiration to this tired 51 year old and to my lovely daughter for her efforts at greatness.

Monday, July 6, 2009

My fish have you tried to feed them yet?


I wonder if you all have noticed my fish on the side of this blog? If you put your mouse on top of the fish they will follow it along...would it not be great if life were so easy. Point and they will follow? Well my holiday was wonderful despite that no one followed my lead exactly. Bob and I had some good alone time, the grand babies were happy with their visit and the weather even turned out beautiful. It was like a movie, remember Trains. Planes and Automobiles and Little Miss Sunshine all rolled into one.

I really do believe that most of us are dysfunctional...we have a bit of Uncle Buck, and the family of Little Miss ---the old car that will not start without pushing and the grandfather who decides at 80 to do drugs but dearly and sweetly loves his grand child. If you have not seen these movies watch them!

It is in our sharing that we come to know we are not alone. I feel that so completely. When I discover that my pain is similar to other women, people who I admire it makes my own self judgment less lonely. There is no doubt we are human, we try, we fail, we climb hills to find they are mountains and we enter waters well over our heads. But we are born to love and be loved. It is the core of my faith, that inherent need to love and to be loved---do not be fooled it is in us, it is no mistake. Therein lies the best of it all. So while there were many ups and downs over the holiday..there was so much love shared that today I am blessed!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Family...coming home,,,Happy 4th


So this has been a weird and crazy night...it is so typical of my great big dysfunctional family. Oh by the way this is MY family the one I created and I own this dysfunction. So during the night (I will say I write this as I have slept less than three hours) my daughter's flight from LA was delayed four hours so her arrival will be noon time not 8am. My son is driving from Chicago with his girl friend with his life belongings and two cats. At four am he called as the truck (my blazer) had broken down after making "loud noise" for the past 40 miles. Calls to my triple AAA were more than discouraging ...that is a membership I will end. However, the real issue with the truck was that it was out of gas ...did I mention the gas gauge does not work and that he had managed this all the way from Maine to Chicago and home...however the loud noise was the four wheel drive kicking in...so he used more gas and pushed his luck on the home run. Meanwhile Jackie's husband (son in law) has been driving through the night from DC (Marine at Quantico) to also arrive in Maine. He had no major issues should be in Maine shortly only to turn around within a few hours to go to Logan and pick up Jackie...Now I did wake up Bob (husband) at four am with Matt's issue so tonite at our house should be very interesting...no one has had a good night's sleep and we all will have stories to tell. Of course my night was not so exciting ...I just did the usual mind overload of my "to do" list. There were a few interesting things that popped in my head around 2 but I am darned if I can recall them. Happy 4th to all!!!!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Here I Am...Welcome


So the alarm went off at 5:15, the usual which allows me for two snooze hits and still be on time for almost anything. Now this morning I am not sure what happened but the snooze turned to the off button. Today is Rotary Day and clearly I am not going to be able to be present for that...Of course I feel guilty. I feel guilty about everything. But I am fighting that after all here I am and get to do my notes before heading to Augusta. Looking for the good in the day and the "right" of the moment.

I find it hard work to wake up each day, smile before I groan and feel grateful before worried. I know it is available to me, it is my choice and that makes the challenge even greater. How many people are able to wake up joyful? Do most people feel tired and wish the alarm would stop? I think I will spend more time with my faith and find a new way to wake up. I will say this-- when I hit the snooze button I do feel wonderfully happy to sleep for ten minutes. Much personal work to do...I am trying not to feel guilty about this!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Saturday ...Yard Sales...Exercise...Chores


Saturday mornings always create huge conflicts for me. There are so many possibilities and only one day.

Yard sales present a huge pull...going around town to purchase my neighbors junk and add it to my junk. Always believing that the one thing you need most will magically appear on some one's front yard. Of course to be really good at this one must be at the gate early and that defeats some of the beauty of Saturday morning.

Exercise...hmmm does it count that I read a blog about running this morning and totally missed my years of the pavement? Almost put on my sneakers and hit the tar before the grand babies rise up and want food, attention and love? I have guilt that I am still sitting her without moving and have mostly decided that I can do this activity later. Yes I know that is partly denial but I will live with the clutter it creates in my brain for now.

Chores...oh my goodness where to begin? The back yard is looking very bleak...no grass in parts, a miss matched bunch of camping chairs around the fire pit and the tent that was airing out really needs to dry and be put away. There are two major closet cleanings that must be done as space in our little house is at a premium with grand babies and son back from Chicago. Then there are the usual Saturday chores that simply need attention no matter what...trash, vacuum, kitchen floor, sheets and beds, groceries and cooking for the week...I do not delude myself that I can cook during the week, and the lawn (with our without the tent needs to be mowed). I am tired again. Maybe I should sleep for another hour.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Thinking, Valerie and Nutri Systems


So this morning I watched Valerie in her latest Nutri commercial about how she lost forty pounds and how great she is doing. Do you know what I immediately thought " yeah honey just wait it will come back" then I slapped myself (well not really) But honestly why could I not just feel happy for her! I did have this other thought...last night I spent the night in South Paris alone...I was able to accomplish so much...I cleaned (places I would never usually clean:corners, door knobs, ect) I shopped and resupplied the kitchen (the grand babies are coming today for a few days with their Nanny) and I finished reading the documents on goal attainment. I have decided it is much easier to take care of yourself when you are alone! I bet Valerie gets alone time!

So what do you do when that is a rare event (luckily since it would be lonely otherwise).

I want to learn to be alone, or find time alone despite the competing needs of those around me. Who among us does not know the way our name being called grinds the last nerve. The poor soul who dares to simply call me from across the room or the house when I have hit the limit of giving for a day. I want to scream...I know that my 'what" response has the tone of "WHAT NOW".

So her I am looking at lovely Valerie, every one's American girl, in her white dress who has made herself a priority. I wonder if the over weight woman, I weigh more than I should, look at her and say "Oh this is great...all I have to do is pay for food to be delivered and get a personal trainer". I do not feel any relationship with her. I feel relationship to the women out in the world who are raising children or grandchildren, taking care of their elderly parent(s), supporting a relative in recovery from something, working one or two jobs to make the mortgage and trying to find a moment at the end of the day to read a few pages of a good book or watch HGTV.

Seriously this thing called life and family and work is a real kick. Hard work indeed. And for me, a codependent who reads into everyone Else's actions, words and looks it is an exhausting proposition. Add in over achieving and a healthy sense of guilt for all that I ever did wrong or the million things that I have yet to do and I live in the eye of the storm. But I do not think I am alone....in fact I know I am not. And I knowing that makes all the difference. Knowing that people live my story, that women I respect and look up to also struggle with these issues makes me feel not so lonely. I actually am convinced that is the power of most 12 step programs...a fellowship of people all working together to be whole and live with eyes open and clear.

So here I am smiling because I have this little Blog to lay it all out and reflect. Come to think of it this is my time alone! How cool is that. One step at a time. One day, forgive the relapse ...mine is that I have stopped taking care of Debbie...so today I am here anew ready for a 24 hour chip. I can do this thing. I am going to find 20 min right now to exercise and enjoy some quiet time tonite before bed with my soul reading. Here's to day one!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Mania and Quiet and God


I live my life many times in two modes. Mania (this mode is very efficient, focused and moves mountains) however I do not sleep much. Then I get quiet. Pulling in the resources and living in my head. (this one has the power to be very constructive but can also be dark and filled with a repeating laundry list of Deb's unmet needs, undone projects and all the people she is letting down). Both of these places assume a power that is absurd don't you think? Seriously since when am I the keeper of every one's well being and how does anyone move at triple speed without collision?


Tempered, held gently I have been able to live these two people in me, most of the time to my advantage. I rest on the down times and read, keeps me out of my own ego. I try to do the social obligations and share my ideas with folks when in over drive and sometimes something sticks. But ultimately like and addict I had to learn a while back that I do not have total control. I can control so many things, (see as I say this I hear the tape ..of course you can control it ...it is your life for goodness sake) BUT I know, in fact, that I cannot . There are time despite my 51 years of experience and knowledge I fail to stop the flood of ideas, the brain speak and the warp speed at which it assails me. I fine the urgency for more does not easily rein in, rather like a race horse given full lead.


It is when I live in my FAITH that I am at my best. No ladies I am no evangelical, I am not a crazy right wing Bible thumper, I am however a believer. I believe with all my heart that once I found my faith my life changed for the better. Like all other areas of my life my degree of commitment and energy given to my faith waxes and wanes but the knowledge that I am loved by God, is so profound that it refuses to be denied. Since my early forties (when I figured it out...when I heard the words "you are loved") I have never been the same. Some would say I am a new testament, easy rider. I am. I love the Gospels...I love all they have to say about life and goodness and kindness and morality. I love the man who was Jesus, the simple carpenter, the healer, the father. But most of all I love living in the knowledge that Grace and Mercy are with us always. Are ours for the asking...some folks really do not like this simple believing and that is fine. But for me it is what I know in all of my being. We are all loved profoundly. We are all filled with faults and fears and misgiving. And that is okay. We need to but reach out to the hem of life with faith that love is the profound healer and experience the joy. That is all the knowing I need even in this chaotic imperfect world. Feel loved today...you are!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Faith and Hope ,,,Body?


So as I work my faith and hope how do I also take care of my body. I realized that I have been so far behind, this is not a good sign. I find the fifteen or twenty minutes in the morning to give to reading and saying hello to my Blog buddies. But I forget to take care of the shell that protects this wonderful human being (no I do not fully believe that but we are working) Asking yourself who is we? My soul, myself, my faith, my God, all of us....we are all in here. Today I commit to a walk before I end the day and a twenty minute stretch and yoga work out. Now you heard it here!

I am leaving for meetings and business but carrying with me the hopefulness that I can find balance and peacefulness in my heart. This is when the big girl has to take over. It is so easy to find all those things with limited demands and just yourself but when you are called to hold the fragile huddle of family together, as mothers and sisters and aunts often do, that is where we lead.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Have I said I am a hopeless codependent?


First I should say there is hope. There is always hope. Then I should say that I am in fact a recovering (forever) codependent. I am actually searching for blogs, ones that actually make sense to me, that discuss codependency, without whining or over the top sappy music. Oh yes I am a cynic as well.

Saturday morning: my adorable grandchildren are awake and looking for breakfast (we are currently working on just one breakfast rather than an on going series of them). The three year old is not eating because the toast is too dark, the four year old wants more bananas in her yogurt and maybe eggs instead.


Enter my mother who has Alzheimer's, lives with us and is been prone to some really crabby attacks (verbal) on my husband and on my son Matthew (of course I am not sure about me as she does not generally direct them at her target but to anyone else who will listen until her second glass of wine when everyone is fair game). We will not even discuss this mirror of life, but suffice it to say this is not new behavior just a bit more blatant with the disease she has.

Now my son needs a ride to his morning meeting at St Raphael's in Kittery, he is staying with us back from four years of living in the Windy City, Chicago, which as he says "seriously kicked his butt" and left him fighting his demons and for a new direction in his life. While I am enormously proud of his efforts and his admissions at 23 of a life out of control, it is a very very big weight on my heart to see him suffer.

Shawn, the 28 year old disabled man with whom we live, don't feel too badly we do get paid for this, is down stairs pacing because he is going to visit a friend and waiting for his ride...which at 7 am is four hours away. He is gaining mania with each minute, talking louder, asking repeated questions and planning on how to spend his money when he cashes his check on the way...oh yeah I drive him and take him to the bank and help him make his list of how he will spend his money (which he will totally ignore).

One of the girls begins to whine about her toast, great grandma starts to intervene with yet breakfast number three and my suggestion that we simply let it go leads to her (great grandma stomping out of the room). The routine is now that she will call my sister and complain and tell me she is moving, which she never does because she feels she is the youngest grandchild's protector...there was always one who she needed to protect against all.

Did I mention that I am now feeling guilty that I have been snippy with my mother, told Shawn that he needs to be anywhere but in the middle of the kitchen while I feed the girls and get laundry done. Bob and I missed the yard sale we waited all week for. The youngest grandchild is playing big time now for great grandma to rescue with a temper tantrum because the yogurt that replaced the toast is not the right flavor and I refuse to change it? Oh and Bob is getting ready for his softball game because he is smart and plays on three leagues for sanity and has a game this Saturday morning at 11...but got to stretch and all and be on the field by 10:30 at the latest for warm up so he is on the move.

Now keep in mind that all the while I am having conversations with both of my sisters who are planning to visit Mom, (one is thankfully taking her to her house for the night) talking with my daughter on the west coast doing her internship which she hates and wants to return home early. Oh and talking with her husband on the east coast in the Marines, and I have had two conversations with members of my son's family who struggle with his life circumstance. (oh yes and he has an apartment of furniture he is trying to sell on Craig's list as he tries to figure out how to get back to Chicago to pick up his cats by the end of the month because I cannot pay another month's rent).

Now this is Saturday morning at 9 by now. Suddenly I am completely aware that there is no Debbie time, that even hear my name called from a distant room is like chalk on the board and I am on my third cup of coffee to keep up but it is making me even more insane. I am now taking stock...looking...wanting to cry and realizing that I have to find me, care for me, and figure out how to balance me again. After finding my way to the kiddy pool in the back yard I sit with the girls and enjoy a few hours of sunshine. It is not until Sunday when I wake up, read my codependency forever book (again! and only part of it) decide to go to church, alone or with makes no difference that the world begins to turn a bit. For a few hours in that church I am free, I am back with my faith and grace seeps into my heart. It is not easy for us codependents when we take off the superman jersey but we got to do it! I am off to work mode now and have plans for completing some big things on my table. Today feels okay.