Life...wondering and worry

What is the difference between wondering about things and worry? When do you cross the line from I wonder "what if" or I wonder "how come" to worrying "what if" and "how will I"? I have decided that many times I am more in a wondering frame of mind and that worry is a more common word, more familiar. I grew up with the Queen of Worry...my Mom. I think, in retrospect, it sounds much kinder and cooler to think of her as the Queen of Wonder. See the difference?

The other night I wondered about my son, my daughter and my checking account for many hours between 1am and 4am...but mainly I wondered if the strong smell of fuel would kill me or my family. Bob at one am did not find it worthy of wonder and groggily asked that I just trust him...all was okay...at 3am upon waking with the smell stronger than ever he decided to wonder too. This led to the realization that it was not our furnace...such a great piece of information for all my wondering-rather we had placed our generator in its' new location and the fuel line was leaking..ah I wonder how that happened? I am glad to know that the smell of gas will not kill you...will, in some cases lead to lack of sleep and a slight case of resentment for those who can sleep. I wonder if my checking account could be as simple as the fuel smell?

Family, Work and Soup

So Dad is sick again...but this time it is really sad. He is in pain and I worry they are not fully appreciating the situation. He cannot speak but his lips are swollen perhaps from medications or more likely (as he is doing this) from holding them tightly shut. He refuses to eat --maybe sore throat ... what is sad is that he continues to linger and we cannot reach him to know what he needs. It is such a horrible disease. Sunday I could not wake him and yesterday my sister reported the same, thank goodness she is a nurse and will address some concerns she has about his pain and the medications that they are using and not using.

Off to work, moved offices and that feels like a fresh start. Just wish I could figure how to make the toughest choices when it comes to making the bottom line work. I also wish I could figure out how to motivate people who seem to not be so. It seems at times that for many, even those I would think should be otherwise, they just don't really care or take care maybe is a better word of what we have...it is hard I know to push that extra mile. It is a hard thing to relate to as an over achiever. The cause seems so clear and the work so important yet we struggle...I worry that there is a better way to lead and wonder how that might be.

But at the end of the day I come home to my little apartment away from home and get my progresso soup...it is quiet and I will reflect the days events...read my book and sleep. So goes the world in Oxford County.

Family, football and cabbage

Today was a bit of a struggle...started with bumps that seemed to carry through the morning and are here with me tonight. Feeling the stress of working far away and being out of home for days at a time. Also feel the stress that my family is under. Just usual stuff but more of it here on the set of "lives of the old, disabled, screwed up and hopelessly codependant"! blah,blah, blah....rain and snow too! Visited Dad today and that was a bust, he would not even wake up.

Football game was good...Pats had a blow out and it was pretty much a wrap by half time. And the cabbage soup was pretty tasty ..although I do not recommend the red cabbage for it..the purple color just does not speak to me. Taste's okay but not the same as plain old green cabbage. So that was the day...family-football-cabbage.

The radio and quiet time.

I do not want winter. I want more summer. More warm evenings and long light days...ah but winter waits for no one. It is cold outside and I fear here we are about to get snow in Maine.

I am listening to a radio show, not fully aware of the subject..it is about baseball and I think that Bob would love to listen and would appreciate the conversation...Reggie Jackson is talking right now and I know he could give me a run down of his stats and life time in baseball. It is a time that I miss Bob.

I like the conversation going on...makes my time alone up here in South Paris feel less lonely. Makes it easier to spend the night, the quiet not so noticeable. I have found that coming here is hard...I hate leaving home and my family. I hate when I call home and I hear the grandchildren in the background and think that could be my reality in a year or so ALL the time. I hate missing my little doggie Hannah while I am away....I want to go home but hate the drive back and when I get here it is a bit like running a ten miler...you put your head into it and just keep going b/c stopping half way is death. I miss home. But here I am ready for rest starting a long week.

Dad's Door

Last night I felt my Dad was calling me...woke up and he was emotionally in the room with me. My Dad is well into end stages of Alzheimer's...several times we have been called by the nursing home with fear that he maybe giving up...he has not. The last time I saw him I looked into his eyes for a very long time and told him how much I missed him. Though I did not mean to cry I could not fight my tears. He held my hand (which he often does but then he did something unusual, he rubbed my forearm as if to comfort). I know that when you love someone with this disease you grasp at straws...look for that small spark in the eye or that smile that says...Yeah I know you, I love you, I forgive that you leave me here in this place...But really they do not often come. Just when I think he is responding he responds the same way to his CNA.

I woke up last night and missed him, felt him with me in a strange way. I usually do not go every weekend (selfishly it is so painful and the time it takes feels not only wasted often but like punishment) I know that is not the way I would like to think of myself...I should be the daughter with endless love (as he had for me) who spends her free time at his side but ten years later it seems alot to be with him a few times a month. I know if he could speak, he would tell me to use my time for his great grandchildren and his grandchildren. He would remind me that he knows how much love we share and that together or apart nothing changes that. He would tell me that he spends his time in a new space now that does not require conversation. Still I look for him to offer something and I hide from the truth that he cannot and never will again. But something calls and I am not sure what. I think I will visit tomorrow and find out.

Gym time...This is the it!

Okay it has been a few days in a row..I am getting over the "after work" thing. I can get to the gym at 6pm and it is okay. In fact it is really good. So I am going to push forward and see where it takes me. I do know that if I do not make time to go daily I will not go at all. So here is to the rest of my week.