Monday, February 25, 2013

Monday - Monday

The sun is just peeking over the horizon and from my bedroom the big ball of yellow and orange makes it hard to see my key board. Generally I have little use for Monday mornings but this Monday is sweet. It was an amazing weekend. Spending time with my horses, grandgirlies and my family. I plan to carry this warm feeling with me through the week.  A trip to visit my Champ on the way in to the office, then baby Joey (the yearling rescue) and off to work.  There is something truly unique about spending time with horses and horse people. Mind you there is huge dysfunction and the same life issues with all of us but the animals, in all their mythical presence make the difference.

I rode yesterday on a friends horse (Champ is almost ready to ride after his lameness). Just feeling the warm sun the the sweet rhythm of a walk along the trail made my whole day. A slow trot here and the time flew by. I love being on the trails, the friendly hello to other riders, walkers and runners. The smell of flowers and grass and even dirt. It all feels so right. I am pretty certain I was a cowgirl in a prior life. The saddle is home and the horse is my train. Just love it.

So here is to Monday!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Wednesday - Inventory

So yesterday toward the end of the day I found myself in a tizzy...yes a Tizzy! I am not exactly sure at what moment I turned the switch but it was not pretty. I find it interesting how I absorb so much all day long, listen to conversations, complaints, problems and criticism and manage to move along fine until one simple moment. That was yesterday. In a clinical setting I suppose I could be looking for triggers...what are the things that send me over the edge?

A short list:

  • someone I love is hurting and despite my best efforts I nave no ability to fix
  • being financially insecure most of the time
  • someone who has done bad things continues to influence others negatively
  • injustice at any level 
  • false prophets at any level...those who bolster and pretend (even when they are unaware)
  • gossip
Now in full disclosure I am guilty of all of the above at one time or another. Perhaps my acute reactions to some of these are due to my personal distaste for these in myself. I know that daily I let myself down when am unable-unwilling to complete my own 'to do" list and live by my own standards. But alas yesterday I found the tipping point and let anger and frustration consume me. Far easier to do than to be brave and speak my misgivings, forgive others and ultimately myself. 

Today will start with a longer walk, a longer stretch and semi-yoga session and prayer. I want to find the silver lining in the daily activities. I need to believe I am following my path and it is where I am called to be.  Toberman, Horses, Los Angeles, grand babies (7 and 8), caregiver (Mom), parent to adult children and wife to a man on the opposite coast.  Here is to Wednesday!

Monday, February 11, 2013

MONDAY

So here we are Monday morning. A birthday should never be on a Monday, particularly one that is already depressing. This Monday has a few sad notes...it is Monday, I am older, I am blue. I have decided to make a few substantial changes to my small world. Taking better care of my darn expensive teeth, more exercise, more time with my horse, relaxing with tea in the evenings, reading and being grateful more often.

It is so amazing to me how often I feel fear and shame about my life. I am not talking the big stuff but the daily little "notes to self" that make me crazy. Things such as: you did not call the doctor for a follow appointment...Again, follow up with the IRS...Again, I need to call Mom's doctor and her home care agency (been on the list for weeks), how come I cannot keep my car insurance and registration straight?, and create a damn birthday calendar so that you will not forget the special days of your friends! It is a continual loop of self doubt and I know better.

I think this year I will work even harder to recognize the dogs barking and keep them at bay. I figure at this point in life I am not going to pick up the traits of an organized, detailed person perhaps I should embrace the person I am and get over it. I am thinking that should be enough. Yup it makes me smile so let's go with it. Cheers to another blessed and crazy year.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Learning to be me again!

Okay so for all those who feel compelled to live for everyone else I have a news flash (really for myself). It does not work, it is not healthy and it is really not selflessness, it is some kind of weird need based in fear. I realize that I have lived in a certain amount of fear my whole life. I recently found this amazing rental in a beautiful place in sunny southern California and I love it. However more frequently than I would like to admit I worry about having to move. Fear, doubt, glass half full all very familiar to me. So I think I have spent much of my life living in fear and caring for everyone else. Unwilling to hurt others but hurting myself and in the end all of us. But for a period of time this "co-dependent weirdness" allowed me to attach to something real or not. I think anyway.

Here is the last two and a half years in a snap shot. I moved to the west coast to be with my daughter and her two little girls, my adorable grandchildren. I wanted to help her make the transition to a big law firm job and give them support. I love them all dearly and am very close to the grandchildren as they lived close or with me on and off for years. I got lost in the mix of living with them, with my mother and not finding space and time for me. No time to read, to write, to walk with my dog or to be Debbie. I told myself I was making a sacrifice, well no I was feeding my own need to care for and be loved. I was not giving the best of me...the best of me comes out when I am purposefully living my days, letting go of guilt and anger. I lost a few years being lost. Not exactly clear I know but that is how I feel. I love them all so much but felt like I did not give them what I love most about me. I am a free spirit with lots of quirks and a significant lack of discipline. I adore animals, nature, reading, and great live theater. I have some catching up to do.

I have a new amazing home with just my Mom (still need someone right?). This is the view from my window each morning. When the fear that the owner will sell and I will have to leave sneaks in I am saying "hello fear" and move on to enjoy the view. Today it is raining and still it smells sweet and looks great. In putting these words here I am back to a small piece of my own process for life. I am working on gratitude and happiness. This old lady has some new tricks to learn.