Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holidays



SO here we go folks! The holiday season is upon us and while the world seems to be in a financial spiral people are shopping in droves. What is that about?

I am guessing it is influence of the media, needing to keep up with the neighbors or maybe just needing to feel you deserve it. We believe that we must have all those things that are flashed in front of us daily on TV, print media and yup now social media.
So we shop even when we cannot afford to and we feed the money machines...it is a vicious cycle.

Check out this news...
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-12-13/u-s-retail-sales-climb-less-than-forecast-at-slowest-pace-in-five-months.html

It is a bit scary that this surge in spending also marked a significant drop in savings. But for some of us who live pay check to pay check savings are barely part of the equation. Still I find myself drawn to the idea that toys must be purchased for the little ones. This year I have convinced my oldest grand daughter that she wants a pasta maker...it is after all her favorite food. This to me is a reasonable gift as it will allow for productive use all year long. The little one stills seem hooked on barbie dolls...so for now that might be necessary.

What I have shared with them is the idea that we should all spend more time helping those less fortunate. They both had a great time shopping with their mom for a family in need in Los Angeles. I was proud of them all.

So while we are pulled to by the fantastic array of available products that we simply must have keep in mind all those who do not have. Maybe drop a dollar or two in the Salvation Army or purchase that ten dollar bag of food that is ready made at your local supermarket. It matters now more than ever. And maybe we can look into what big corporate machine we are feeding? Buying local is a good idea. Currently I am looking for someone who makes furniture for American Doll girls...really the junk they have is unbelievable! I would rather support a home business. But the temptation to simply click and ship is huge.
Working on it...trying to keep Holidays in perspective and remember that I am the 99%.


Friday, December 2, 2011

Where have I been? Following Occupy


My goodness I have been away from this blog for so long. I am thinking a bit of depression, overwhelmed? Not really certain. However I have to share a new interest that has taken some of my free time. I am addicted to following the Occupy groups on Twitter. I am fascinated with the movement and all it represents.

I love the conversation. I like that it does not have form or clarity of direction. I like that it is based on a swelling dissatisfaction. I too feel unhappy with the way of the world. I have been part of that group of folks who have had their mortgage sold a million times and have dealt with some companies of poor reputation. I have seen my savings dwindle and worried about the future. I have watched the disparity between the wealthy and the rest. I sense that it is wrong, I feel morally that with all the wealth in our country children should not go without food and medical care. It baffles me. But like the Occupy folks I do not have answers. I have questions, I know that there are funds being spent in ways that make no sense. I know that it is wrong that some companies make billions while the front line workers are considered greedy for wanting a share. So I am interested and watch with intrigue as this movement grows and its voice gains a presence in the national conversation.

I suspect a piece of this is from my history. I was so young witnessing the demonstrations of the 60's (really young) but I remember them. I recall the anti war demonstrations later in life. What I really was struck by in both cases was that when "the people" finally spoke the government listened. It is my hope that at least some of the folks in power are listening now. We are a better people than the current trends would suggest. We need the middle class, as fickle and unpredictable as we may be.

I encourage folks to keep their hearts and minds open as this young movement speaks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Lady I met


I was walking back from a meeting and passed a women sitting on a bench in front of Starbucks. While the weather was very warm she wore several layers of clothing and carried a large suitcase. Her face was wrinkled and her eyes looked watery, a bit red and tired, She was smoking the stub of a cigarette.

As I passed she waved her hand and asked "do you have any money to spare?" I was happy to be at the end of my day and partly thought ...just keep walking. But I turned and sat on the bench next to her. Her eyes lit a bit. I told her that I was broke and was not sure I had any cash on me (I often do not have cash). I pulled out my wallet and I had five one dollar bills...I handed them to her. She smiled, then pulled a couple out and said "Here you keep those you is broke". I felt so warmed by her offer back..I let her know that my broke meant I needed to go to the ATM and surely she could have all five dollars. Of course she blessed me. I walked away and thought yes dear I am blessed.

No matter how that five dollars was spent I knew at that moment I experienced a much greater gift than she did. I was reminded that the human condition, even on the hardest of days, has love and hope at the core. I felt a joy that stayed in my heart. Thank you Ms. Lady!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

BobBob aka Grandpa! TOO FUNNY


What grandfathers do for the little ones Lexie and Skyler! My husband is so funny. For the past year while the children have lived on the west coast and he on he east they have shared hopes for a jet pack to visit. Bob created these videos for them.

They speak for themselves. I just loved it!

First attempt:


Second attempt:

I love this guy.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Be Still


So here I am ...trying with all my heart to be still. When my heart is heavy and my anxiety high being still is the thing I find most difficult. I want to take action and fix my sorry state. I want to be actively engaged to be anywhere other than where I am so why must I be still?

I am reminded of "Be still and know that I am God", I am reminded of "Be still my Heart" and the Zen practice of stillness, allow the thoughts to move past and just rest quietly open and trusting. I am fully aware that only in the stillness will I be able to see clearly. Moving and action blurs my vision.

So I sit allowing myself to hear the world around me, taking note but letting it pass. It is so amazing how many sounds: people talking, the water bubbling in the fish tank, the dogs toe nails on the wood floor, the cars passing, a faint bird, a plane overhead....wow it is amazing that I ever hear any single thing above all this noise. Did I mention the noise in my own head...my words: how long has it been, why am I tuning to one person talking, let go, move on ....Being still is a trip! Worthwhile.

Another day.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Me and Bobby

A visit has ended and with the rising sun I feel dark. Living apart from my husband only makes sense on some days. I live here because of my grand babies, because we are supposed to be reunited within the year, because I am making a living here ....but in the end it still sucks.

I watch the clock ticking and think of the years that I have left-this started happening on my 50th birthday. I am aware, more than ever, that this is temporary. My family history of Alzheimer's disease taints my view of old age. It is almost certain that I carry the gene and will experience significant memory loss long before my body gives out. What do I do with the years I have left...twenty maybe a few more or less. As Bobby disappears into the security line and I pull away from the curb at LAX I am completely aware that this is not how I want to live. I miss our life, or silly simple life.

I miss the certainty of my youth when I knew that one more promotion would make me happy, owning my own home would create security and being pretty mattered. I look to my verse for the day pondering how the Lord will establish me and protect me from the evil one. I hang here on that word...evil. I am grateful to be loved and that is where I will rest today.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Live every moment, enjoy every sunrise and enjoy the magnificent person you are!


Who does this? I ask because it seems I should, I certainly can aspire to be this person but my shortcoming in this endeavor is huge. I am not this person. I start and stop...become unconscious of the beauty around me and feel a hunger for something more. I forget to watch the sun quietly repeat its daily circle above my head. I am not at all confident that I am a magnificent person.

Today I attended church for the first time in too long...I picked a church from my smart phone directory of churches close by. I intended to find a large enough place to be lost in the crowd and quietly re-acquaint myself with organized worship. I found a pretty little Lutheran church just a mile away...it was pretty inside..something you would find in a small New England town, pine beams and small stained glass windows. And I was one of maybe 20 people in the church that probably only seats 100. I could smell the age of the building, not a bad smell but one of a building left empty for more hours than it is full. We sang many older hymns with only an organ and I sang, something I often do not do in the larger churches. The scripture as always fit the day Isaiah 55; 1-5.....
1 “Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 2 Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. 3 Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. 4 See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a ruler and commander of the peoples. 5 Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations you do not know will come running to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor.”

It is interesting what happens when you stop and listen. When you let the call of your heart pull you. I found myself in prayer after communion with tears in my eyes...It was not sadness it was grace. I am still not sure I believe I am magnificent but I believe I am a daughter of God and he loves me, that is magnificent. Enough for today!



Monday, July 4, 2011

Fourth of July, Family, Freedom...life


Sunday with Bobby my kids, their family and friends and Mom...a good day. Burgers on the grill and all the appropriate fixings even watermelon. We played basketball, catch (softball) and hung out on our funky little street right in the middle of West LA. Trees line our street, small cute little homes and hardly ever do cars come on our street. It is a unique place considering that one block from us are two busy, busy streets and the City.

Today I try to hang on to the day as Bob flies back to Maine and we all begin our "normal" life. I spent most of the day in bed or sitting on the couch with the exception of two dog walks. It felt like that kind of day after dropping Bob at LAX early in the morning. I felt lonely and sad. I worked hard to be okay with those feelings and just be.

Why is it always hard to savor the good times and not resent the return to normal. Why is that? So why am I not grateful for the life I am able to live? I have freedom...I choose what to do and where to live. I am so blessed. Why does that escape me? It should not. I am honored to live in a place where young men and women sacrifice their freedom, their lives to ensure that I am able to celebrate the 4th with my family. I am able to put a flag on my yard or not. I am able to live in Los Angeles or Maine...all of this is for me to decide. I have family around me and I am able to drop into a moment watching my son play ball with my son in law and then have a catch with Bob. I can pick up a glove and share a catch with Bob and for a few moments there is nothing else that exists: him with his glove (a very short distance away) and me with my glove. He smiles as I throw the ball, like a girl I am afraid. I smile that I am catching his throws, placed I am certain well within my reach. But there we are in the middle of a little street with trees and neighbors and happiness all around us. That scene, that afternoon is what causes my heart to ache today. I feel guilty...I want to savor that memory with gratitude. I want to feel honored that so many have sacrificed so that I could have that moment. Perhaps my awareness of all of this is enough.
Freedom, family and the 4th--- yup that is Life!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Mom is returning to childhood!

This video was shared with my by a friend. As Mom forgets hour to hour what is happening in her life this struck me. There are moments when I find myself angry or snapping at her questions. "Is the coffee ready?" five minutes later..."Is the coffee ready?"
The guilt, the sadness, the frustration, I do not want her to regress to childhood...and yet I know in my heart I am blessed to share it all with her. So take a minute to watch this...it is worth it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Morning in California


I am from New England, still own a house in Maine but for the last year have lived and worked in Los Angeles. No I could not have started with a milder place such as San Diego or the Bay Area...I am right in the heart of LA. The beautiful tree lined street I call home backs up to two major roads that led to all things: Century City, Downtown and Hollywood. I can walk to a Mall that by LA standards is small. This Mall is large, three levels with every store you can imagine, movie theaters great restaurants and a funky fun little Wine bar. Life in LA seems somewhat surreal to me. My house has a back enclosed patio (necessary for LA living) and a front year with a small container garden. Currently I am researching tomato plants as they have consumed most of my available space. I have a little white fence and here is the best part---parking room for three cars!!! (my driveway in Maine could easily hold 8!

As I write this my Corgi, Miss Hannah, sleeps at my feet and my six year old granddaughter is to my left (taking up way more space then her little body should). My fish aquarium set up for the 5 and 6 year old hums as the air pump bubbles (they like the mountain that makes bubbles). I can hear the traffic just beginning to move on Pico and Westwood. It is relatively quiet for a city. Oh yes the temp is 70 degrees, it will be slightly overcast this morning and sunny this afternoon. It is 70 almost every day.

I like it here. I miss Maine but family is here. My two grandchildren, my mother who lives with me and both of my children. My hubby still is living coast to coast, arriving next week for his monthly stay. Thank goodness he does the majority of the flying!

So I guess warm weather, beautiful mountains, the ocean a few miles away is doable. Today, right this minute it is perfect.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wednesday...almost there..BUT Really?


So here is my question why does Wednesday feel good even when we know that the work week never ends? It is clear that with a million mobile devices we work 24/7. I current carry a blackberry (despite my children's dismay that I it is not an i-phone), have a net book (for ease to carry), a lap top, and a color nook (needed color for children's books and for me the Internet). I am constantly checking and re-checking my email. I feel obliged to work when others are working and when I ignore I feel badly. So what...really what does Wednesday mean anymore?

Perhaps our training as children remains through life, September through June are hard working months and summer is vacation, weekends are time off and holidays are for large dinners. I am unsure but I am certain that Wednesday feels good and I will work on the weekend but just a little less.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

My Favorite Song beautifully Sung!

I love this song. It is such a beautiful lyric and music. The words are so amazing and honest. I think today it makes me feel closer to my one hallelujah Missing my hubby and best bud but knowing that the choice to care for family is a right one.
I hope that this Easter we are experience rebirth and newness of our faith. I know it is a blessing that we should be thankful for each day and yet this day brings our focus to God's best gift. I love today and I pray to keep its magic in my heart all year. Blessings to All.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE&feature=related

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Vacation, Maine and LIfe


Who would have thought that vacation would mean coming to Maine? While the weather here is not nearly as warm as Southern Cal it the clear blue sky and sunshine is beautiful. After nearly a year in LA I am certain that cold weather is not for me, BUT I sure do love my big back yard in Maine. I look out the bedroom window and view my grassy yard and trees with envy. There are no big yards in LA, well none that an ordinary citizen could afford. Looking at the forest floor covered in leaves and visible after a long winter. There are no leaves or low brush blooming to hide the dead Pines, the tiny yellow dots (softballs hit for dogs of ages past still sitting in hidden spots, and the little baby pine trying desperately to reach for sunshine. None of these things will be visible in a month or two.

My grandchildren love our woods, they have fairy huts hidden at the base of many a tall Pine, they have little bridges made of broken branches and pieces of old tree trunks. They venture out and never want to return despite my pleas. I become insistent once my feet are cold and wet.

Today I sit and wonder how we come to the places we end up in. I yearn to plant a garden (with absolutely no real skill), I want to walk along the shores of Dead Duck beach (Great Bay) and I want to think of nothing important. Ah that is vacation huh? At 52 I think I am beginning to want more vacation and less hard work. Yup it is official Maine is the way life should be. I sure do miss it. But this is spring, summer is around the corner...and then.....

Happy Spring Maine!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Mom is getting older!


While this is not really news today is feels heavy on my heart. Mom is 83 and she has had significant memory loss for the past several years. But suddenly in the last few months she has made a change. She is harder to motivate, more difficult to get out of bed and complains more. She feels "sicky" frequently and I suspect her muscles ache from lack of use. It is sad.

I wonder sometimes, what will I do without Mom. Dad passed a year ago December after several years in a nursing home. But Mom is with me, she has been for some time now. She even moved across country to Los Angeles last June. I watch her, listen to her sighs and while I know that she is blessed with Grandchildren around (one sleeps with her regularly ..sneaky child). I know that she enjoys the family around and she loves the Corgi called Hannah who, as Mom eats less seems to be getting fatter? Still in the moments when I enter her room and she is hard to wake I feel a start, a skip in my heart and for a brief minute feel the reality of her time in this world.

Taking care of Mom is complicated. It is also an honor.

Monday, February 7, 2011

If I were a wealthy woman!


I would ride horses again if I were wealthy.
I would feed the homeless if I were wealthy.
I would feed children the right foods if I were wealthy.
I would walk five miles everyday if I were wealthy (presuming I also did not have to work to be so).
I would find one person everyday to give a surprise to if I were wealthy.
I would take care of animals that wander the streets alone and scared.
I would read at least one inspirational thing each day.
I would read the Bible, ALL of it.
I would take my family back to Pine Island.
I would remember everyday what it is like to be poor.

As I started this exercise it was just a Monday morning "I wish I was wealthy" but as I finished I realized it was much more. In these statements there is so much about life choices. I feel it is worth of reflection. What would you do if you were wealthy?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Times change, purpose changes, where am I now?


I find myself recently uncomfortable with the growing divide between those who "have" and those who do not. I was fortunate in my life, I never wanted for anything as a child. In my twenties and thirties I found out what it was like to struggle to make ends meet. My children well recall the days before pay day when all that was left was pasta and cereal. I learned from those days, I still struggle financially moving from month to month. I am, I suspect, like the majority of working middle class. I live pay check to pay check.

I am fully aware that I am only a few paychecks away from disaster. Having experienced unemployment once in my lifetime and the devastation that it creates. I applied for unemployment, having worked over 25 years paying taxes and social security since the age of 14. I was at first denied and it took six months to receive my first unemployment check. I was denied because my employer had gone out of business and did not want to pay anyone unemployment who had been part of his poorly run business. It was the most depressing and horrible time in my life. It also was the time that led me to my faith and my second half of life healing.

Today I find myself looking at a struggling economy, people who are becoming the new poor and those who may never climb out of poverty...there are so many. The extremes I see here in Los Angeles ---the very wealthy...seems in this neighborhood there are many and the very poor. The chasm between them so great. It causes me concern and pain.

Somewhere in the Political Science recesses of my mind I recall that the loss of the middle class creates significant instability...yet we seem to becoming lost. Houses foreclosing, jobs being lost and a cost of living that continues to be a stretch. Gas goes up and those of us living on budgets suddenly have to shift our monthly payments. Anger and violence erupt as the frustration grows.

I feel the anger and outrage at the ridiculous payments for high level executives in companies that were bailed out by my federal dollars. I am angered at the medical insurance that covers nothing and denies medications to my mother and to me. Impossible to correct without spending hours and days which I do not have, that one denial can leave me defeated. I feel the angry at the billions of dollars spent to advertise products when I am ill positioned to buy but will surely feel less than adequate without. I feel all those things. Who does not wish they could afford the IPAD? I am certain I should own one.

I see few remedies. Lately I have met many who are financial planners or wealth advisers or wealth managers. I am always curious whose wealth they manage. For me listening to financial planners tell me about savings and retirement creates enormous insecurity. I have no savings. I own a house with some minor mortgage company (the fourth or fifth to own my mortgage), I owe more now then when I bought the house. I survive, week by week...month by month helping now to take care of my mother, my adult children and their children. Ah but if I just put that $100 a week away! Alas I want Indian food tonight. I deserve it.

Still more...The numbers, if they are believed, would indicate that I am not alone. There are very few wealthy people.


So where does that leave us? Those of us, like me who have been the working middle class? I suspect the wealthy folks, as small a percentage as they are, need me healthy to keep spending on their products...or their stock portfolio products. But do the wealthy understand that? Do they care and should they?

I worry that the middle class is shrinking. But we are educated folks who have a glimmer of the other side. We see injustice and we can speak the injustice. If we are not ashamed to admit how difficult it is to be middle class perhaps we will speak it. Do I have the courage to be honest, to be rejected as irresponsible or unworthy? How will I respond to this chasm? How will I behave when oppressed? So far I have done little. I have experienced a growing discontent that leaves me with anger and sadness.

I am left to wonder. As a person of faith who cares for the Poor beyond the New Testament. Who would give any attention to Mary? Or the women who touched Jesus robe Mark 5:21-34? Does the faith that pulled me from my despair earlier in my life still exist within me? Is it convenient here, now?

I am fully aware that something must be done. It is not healthy nor right to feel angered by those who have greater wealth and seem unaware. It is not right in a society of great wealth to allow people to go hungry and without medical care. It is not right to hide that denial behind the pretense of a service system. It is not right to hide behind the knowledge that businesses use unethical tactics to take your money and not provide the service or product promised.

Perhaps the wealth is not with a very few if the wealth is not dollars. Is wealth in knowing? Does it reside in a faith that binds humanity in love and compassion seen in all world religions? Could we be richer in our poverty? Am I capable of letting go of my own resentments and frustrations? If I am not then where will the anger take me?



Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Music Breast Cancer and Survivors: Juke Kartel


I wanted to share this video since it is very important to me. Some wonderful young men (Juke Kartel) created this song: Brightest Star. It was written after the drummer's mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It has become a vehicle to celebrate all the wonderful survivors in my world. They have essentially given the song to Susan G Komen LAC.

In the last few weeks several people I know have been diagnosed or had re-occurrence of Breast Cancer. It is such a sad disease and despite all our efforts we continue to struggle for a cure and more importantly a humane cure. The cost of treatment both emotionally and economically is high and yet all the survivors I know seem to gain strength and power.

As I close to my first Komen Race for the Cure I have watched this video after many a long day, I have shared it with my friends who are currently battling the disease. It inspires and calls me to a higher purpose every viewing.
Just click and watch!


Everyday is a gift, every life a miracle and every sunset a reminder the sun will rise again!


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Fighting to Win, success


One of my favorite speeches involves my favorite sports: football. When I feel like the task in front of me is too hard, I want to turn and run, this is what I watch.

All my life I have been a fighter, never wanting to loose or give up when the odds are too much. I like a challenge, I have worked with many organizations when the odds are against success. What is most difficult is keeping your own faith when all around you the crowd taunts and critiques. When the answers are not black and white but are in a million shades of gray. When in the dark of night I lie awake and wonder have I made a good choice. But when you are the leader, you cannot show the wonder, you must take action and follow through.

I love this speech. If a swear makes you uneasy do not watch. If you love football, Al Pacino and great speeches then watch.