Worries and night time discussions

I want to sleep!

Awakened in the darkness, broken by a string of holiday lights across the back porch, I listen to my mind. Questions, things to do, worries and visions of days gone by. It is amazing what comes flying into the mind, the stories I am able to create many of which make no sense at all. I check the clock it is 1:30am, not a good sign. This will be a long night.

I wonder why I have such worries at night and why do they keep me awake. A bit of research tells me that I am not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of hits on the web if you google cannot sleep and many who give advice however the shear volume of hits also suggest the problem remains.

I found a few sites worthy of looking: This one has lots of links that I thought were helpful.

http://lifelearningtoday.com/2008/04/09/cant-sleep-at-night-heres-what-to-do/

Of course there is the cute little song that my grand children like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oT26nDbEbrU

Or a popular "today" kind of video ...kind of makes me think of dancing so not sure it is helpful to sleep:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqEbRzy_t8

All in all, perhaps the next time I am awake and feeling so alone and frustrated I can think of the millions who join me. That will give me something new to ponder.

Dad, One year today

Hey Dad, it has been a year since we gathered in your room for the final time in Hampton. I will always feel sorry that despite our best efforts we were minutes too late. But then it was so like you to make our final visit peaceful. There was no feeling badly that you could not catch that last breath, we did not see you struggle. We can always believe the nurse who said you were not alone and you went quietly.

A lot has happened in a year, all the while I think you have been with me. I was told by a psychic that you come and go in my life but are always available. Well tell me something that I do not know! I love you with all my heart. You live in every memory and each breath I take. As I rest my hand on my own heart I feel yours within me. I miss you. I have missed you for a long time. But you know that too. Today I will keep you close and honor your one year entry into the peaceful Kingdom where surely you are smiling.

Family, Holidays and Hauntings

The charm of holiday decorations and lights. The houses all warmly lit up cheerful and pretty as music plays songs of family, friends and peace on earth. A time when we reflect on the promise of our faiths the love or our families and the hope that makes the daily trials acceptable.

The weird thing about holidays is all of the above. Behind the windows of those homes are lonely people, hungry people, disappointed and happy people. Beyond the joyful songs are the same revolutionary ones calling for change and reminding all of humankind what we have missed. The same family issues and hurts. These all seem to glare or perhaps screech against the glass of holiday cheer. What is wrong more haunting and more apparent.

I wonder would it be better if we allowed the joy and fun to spread out over the year? No-because we would not. Who does not recall the magic as a child, why would any of us steal that away...so what if the adults indulge the magic even for a few days?

Addiction, the family disease

I have witnessed addiction in my life, felt its grip on my sanity and endured the loss of love from one you love. The venom of an alcoholic's words aimed at the heart while often grandiose and misrepresented land invisible arrows for a life time. Life on the sidelines sucks, the insidious guilt, fear and hope warps reality.

There is no glory as a recovering co dependent. No cheers when you announce your role in the disease and your desire to remain "not" codependent. No coins given at day one, week one or year one. No celebration that you have chosen a new life free of addicts.

Today I feel it is a life no less difficult than the addict and equally as certain to resurface in your world. If, this is a BIG IF, you are smart enough to leave the relationships that brought you to codependency the likelihood it will resurface is high. And for many it will appear in the love most precious, your children.

This addiction, this relationship between parent and child fills the soul with desperation and a sadness that holds joy hostage.

I want a chip. I want to feel brave and courageous. I would like to feel valued for stopping the insanity. I sit rather with a heart beating, I am here. That is all. I want the end of addiction and all that forever lay wounded and scarred at its feet.