Me time...how do I use it?

Okay who does not struggle with these realities. Whose time is it anyway? I often find that my "me time" is last on my list. Good codependent that I am. I should be clear, in order to be honest, that it is not because I am a selfless person that I take care of others, I am worried about how they will react if I do not. Essentially it could even be considered selfish. Selfish because my actions are all focused on keeping peace and harmony for myself as well as others.

This past week I got lost in work, in relationship with my family and my blogging took a back seat. I blog for peace of mind. I put words to what I feel, I sort out what I feel and somehow it is like therapy for me. Often I am surprised at what actually happens when I begin to type. Some days it is effortless and others each word is like the last mile of a ten mile run, painful and necessary. I think those words are often the most important I write.

In my mania weeks, the last two, I accomplished a great deal. It is easy to see why people who have mania like the highs...so productive. I am a little bit of a manic depressive but so far less depressed than manic. Good thing. I figured out a while ago that if I let depression get me it is a long, long haul out. I know that to survive it is necessary to keep moving and keep being "productive". Of course productive can mean a walk on the beach, a visit to the gym, a good blogging session and always that my work (the work I get paid for) is in motion. Often too much motion. But it feels good to look back at the wake I can make. Sometimes scary but mostly good.

I will keep my good highs and hope that the lows are little ripples in my life that cause a sad Saturday or lonely Tuesday night. I guess mostly I plan to not judge my "me time" and if I spend it on others or work that is okay especially if it pleases me.

Over work...why do I do it?

So I am not sure what I am thinking when I get myself into these situations. I create work for myself. I could easily become a workaholic, I do not think I am...I like my free time and I get cranky when there is too much to do. But I am also capable of long spurts of working A LOT. I am not really sure why I do this, it is sort of like Saturday morning when I wake up with a list of fifty things I want to do. I makes my hubby nuts, he is either genuinely worried for me that I will not complete my list and be frustrated or, and I suspect more likely, he feels certain that it will include infringing on his plans for the day. I generally do not get to my whole list.

Here is what an early Saturday morning list might be:

• gym
• grocery shopping (always got to do that for family...a lot of shopping)
• taking Mom out for coffee or something
• spending time with hubby doing the second hand store run (got to visit a few for that special deal we might need)
• wanting to walk the dogs at the beach (Dead Duck is our local spot on Great Bay...bad name I know)
• bathing dog (she can always use a bath)
• cooking for family...big meals on weekends...generally three or four to supply for week as well
• clean the house...it always needs cleaning but on Saturdays it is the Big clean
• one project like cleaning out the awful hall closet
• oh and did I mention I might try to read some work emails and clean out my over loaded in box?

Wow looking at that list makes me tired! No wonder I never get much rest on the weekends. Okay so I need to figure out how to slow down. At fifty two years old there needs to be more me time. More quiet time. Hmmm....I guess looking at it all and just reflecting at 4am is a good thing.

MONDAY...ugh

Okay so Friday was so great and Monday is sooo ugh. I am not tired. I slept well. I just do not feel the love of a day. I feel the oppression of Monday. I feel the anxiety of many more days of work. I feel the pressure of BIG projects ahead this week. Will I never learn? I cannot seem to help myself. My creative mind moves at a 100 miles per hour. It is just that my doer side would like to travel at say 60?

Not much one can say about this Monday. The Saints won...that is a sweet victory for a team that surely deserves it and a city that needed it. Sarah P. says she might run for President, oh wow we never saw that one coming! The economy is in the tank and my oil needs to be refilled...sweet mercies this life can be a ride.

Monday's suck. No question they are just not fun. Here is what I found out about Monday.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monday

and House is on Monday Nights! that is a good thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er5uuCYi7q4

So here we go! Monday.

What is a day without "issues"?

I want to know how many people actually have days, entire days without "issues"? Now by issue I mean something more than a splinter, more along the lines of family dysfunction (someone not speaking to someone else) or a car breaks down, maybe not being able to pay insurance on time or grandma has threatened to move out again but there is no where to go and no money to go with. I swear my family is just a ticking bomb.

You really should spend a day in our life. In my home, now be careful...do not label me crazy...we have my mother with Alzheimer's disease, a 28 year old man with disabilities for whom we provide care, my 16 year old step son (currently on suspension from school) and my 32 year old daughter with her two children waiting to complete her last semester of law school and move to her job on the west coast, my husband and myself. I commute to a crazy place in the Western part of Maine (follow the work and the money) and spend at least three nights a week away from everyone...might sound good but kind of stinks really. Imagine a dinner in my home. Imagine that food costs us over 350 each week closer to 400. My mother needs at least a half a bottle of wine each night (more like 3/4) which either makes her happy or really mean. The boys, the one on suspension and the larger (much larger one with disabilities) both eat a lot---like boxes of cereal, soda might as well not exist after two days, and peanut butter...I should have stock. Oh and did I mention two dogs and three cats. I have begun to hate cats just because of the liter box. That is terrible. I do love my cats, I just hate cat liter.

But what most makes me curious is how we deal, how I am supposed to deal with the daily "issues" that arise. My mother needs cataract surgery, we are trying to make our one vacation a year happen (don't even ask how) and well the teen on suspension spent his day on the Internet during his in school suspension. What is wrong with that picture? My husband had his first softball meeting which made him happy...why not he gets to be away from much of the summer but then I cannot complain b/c I get to work away from home. Bank of America still calls about my father's credit card balance after he has been dead for more than a month and had the freaking insurance to cover any outstanding balance and my dog (my sweet little Corgi) has a respiratory infection ($250 dollars later). It is nuts and being away makes it harder. In all honesty the life of a traveling worker is sucky...it is lonely at night and you feel so out of the loop. Hmmmm maybe I want more control of the "issues". Is it me? Or does the rest of the world have better boundaries? I am not sure but today I am done. Work is a bear right now and I need to rest. PS did go to gym (see other blog) and that is one sane thing. .........

Guess I will assume issues are normal and watch an episode of Bones on my computer.