Morning Drive ...Don't make Eye Contact

The morning drive is a unique beast out here in LA. I approach the 405, always with a degree of anticipation and in trepidation. Will we move? Will one of the four available lanes (no HOV since I am alone) move faster than 30 mph. Will I be on time ? I watch the other drivers, some putting on makeup (that falls into the distracted driver offense...I am guilty) some, no many on their phones (we cannot hold them here so we talk to our visors or seemingly to air...perhaps a tiny ear piece). Some may possibly be talking to themselves (guilty here) or singing. But I do not think I see a lot of singing on the 405.

So that is how thousands of us begin a day. I know there is no other place on earth like the 405 but there are many similar route 95, 495 or the loop. (yes northeast girl with some knowledge of Chicago). I am left to ponder what does that do to us as people, this thing called commuting. I recall in the 70s we got signs and had a phase of trying to communicate with our fellow commuters but today we seem to prefer to ignore. Do not make eye contact. Kind of screwed up way to start a day. Thank goodness for Public Radio.

Midlife and Sunday

So here it is Sunday and I am ready for the service time, hopeful this week I pay attention. I am not sure if it is midlife or just a brain filled with chaos that makes me wander even in church. Midlife is a kind of crazy place.

So here is 52, I look differently than before, I feel most different and I am aware that much of what I have done does not excite me. I look back on a few distinct moments with pride and use huge amounts of good ole fashion denial to forget many. I laugh at some, I smile at some and I even fondly recall a few of the most crazy moments. But in total I find myself wondering. I am pulled by this powerful voice, the one that speaks to me in my sleep and my waking but no one else hears. The voice that warns me of danger and reprimands me for poor behavior. It is, of course my voice, and she can be a real challenge.

I wish that I could spread a bit of cheer here, a bit of hope that the world is as it should be and I am where I am supposed to be...but that is not what it feels like. I have been, if nothing else true to this blog and it has been my diary of reality. My father once said that if I lived my life as an open book that my actions would not haunt me. I guess that if I knew that all I did would be seen and examined by those I care about and those I may not even know I would be kinder, softer and at times harsher. But I would be free of guilt. Something to ponder.

Holidays...something fills the air.

So despite my efforts to let this holiday just pass, usually I love Thanksgiving but this one feels off without my hubby. It also feels off for some reason I am not able to articulate. Over the past month I have been pulled to be or do something that I cannot identify. It is a weird feeling, I think it is midlife? I just know that each day feels important and I am fully aware that currently I let them slip by with being busy. Not a good busy but an uncertain and unmotivated busy. It must be done type of busy. I love the work I do, I love the challenge but I am not feeling a "good" in my heart.

I often wake up at three or four in the morning and remain in bed, I recently have tried to connect with a higher power. To lay quietly and ask the universe what is it I am meant to hear. I feel it, it is just around the corner. I feel the pull at my emotional corners everyday, a small voice calling but I am unclear of the words.

Perhaps this is brought on my a sense of mortality. As I care for my mother with Alzheimer's Disease I am fully aware that is most likely my future. My father and all his siblings died of the disease. It is not pretty. How much time do I really have? What is most important? The moments with Mom, the grand children moving quickly to young ladies.

Familiar conflicts for me, I suspect a very common female reality...the financial and emotional need to work versus the family and my need to nurture. So I lay here this Thanksgiving morning grateful for a warm bed, a quiet house, a cute corgi dog and a family to love. I will try to ditch worry today and move through the hours as slowly as possible.

Beautiful ...Must Read!

I have never posted an email sent to me but this time it was too good to pass on...I had this sent from a dear friend ...it is worthy to stand alone...as Frank would say "nuff said"......

The Whale... If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

Save the Earth....It's the only planet with chocolate.

Sleeping with the Dogs!

I am worried that I will not fall asleep. I have been on route back to Los Angeles since noon time. After a long flight with a few naps and the re-entry into my life here I am finding sleep is not coming easily. Of course my two dogs seem to be doing just fine filling the empty spaces of my bed. (note my grand baby barely fits with dogs)

The interesting thing is that I am worried. I have figured out that I worry. I worry about almost anything and everything. I think of all that might go wrong and when it does not confuse my worry with proactive intervention. Of course this is not truthful since much of my worry never comes to any reality. I come from a good gene pool of worry...we like to worry in my family. We do not like to sleep with dogs, that began with me. My two children like to sleep with dogs.

The question I ask myself is why must I worry. Why do I find it so darn difficult to just be "in the moment" just be grateful for all that is mine to enjoy. How lucky I am. How fortunate I am. I have family and a home and food. I have generally good health, well you never know what might come.

The sad truth is that I am at odds with myself. I want desperately to be peacefully enjoying the beauty that surrounds me, to feel in sync with the universe. But I cannot figure how I am going to pay the bills that are due and wonder if I should take back the shoes that I paid an insane $98.00 for? They are not even comfortable. Note to self: do not shop after a glass, well two of wine. Good heavens a new thing to worry about...I drink too much wine.

Tonight I am going to sleep with my dogs. I am going to be happy they are alive and do not have fleas. I am going to be happy to sleep. Tomorrow I will worry about why I worry.

Favorite Books a Great Place to Visit

I arrived at my Maine home to find a copy of a favorite book. "An Interrupted Life-the diaries of Etty Hillesum" . It was a book I read in my early thirties and has always been a life changer for me. It is a book that brought me closer to my faith and helped to remind me that nothing, nothing is so dark that love is not possible. It was Etty's love of humanity, love of God and love of each moment that amazed me.

This morning I picked up the well worn book, once shared with a friend and returned to me by mail some 15 years later during a time of uncertainty. Opening the book to a page that seemed fitting for me I share:

"We go too far in fearing for our unhappy bodies, while our forgotten spirit shrivels up in some corner. Our lives are going wrong , we conduct ourselves without dignity. We lack an historical sense, forget that even those about to perish are a part of history. I hate nobody. I am not embittered. And once the love of mankind has germinated in you, it will grow without measure."

In a prison camp, facing certain death and horrible conditions these were her thoughts. I think to myself how timeless they are. The worry for my aging body, my aching back or my unhappiness with a particular event in my week pales when I experience my faith, feeling love deeply. So for today I take with me the idea that allowing love to grow is far more productive than worry!

How to find the happy place

Where is the happy place? Is it when you can increase the font on your computer screen with a single button? Is it making chili at 5 am so that the house will smell warm and healthy when you return at 7? Is it early mornings when there is still time to read an article or watch the weather?

Perhaps these are the little happy moments that if not cherished simply fade into the white wash that becomes a busy day. So that in an instant a missing document, a lost prescription or unexpected bill nullify those happy moments. Why is that so?

As I have entered the second half of my life...52 by the way is not my favorite age. I have realized that when reflecting on the past I do not think of those tiny moments, I do not really think about my jobs and accomplishments therein, I do not recall a morning verse.....I think instead about specific times of peace and refuge. I recall a camping trip or family visit. I recall a special room in my childhood home or the view of the White Mountains. I recall the beach and all its mysteries. So how do we find that happy place within the world we spend most of our time? What do we do to keep the wonder of children and the joy of a shared meal alive amidst the crush of deadlines and due dates?

I believe that the answer here is much more than one day's work. It rests in faith, friendship and personal time out. Now if I can just get these things in my calendar! Happy Tuesday.

Thankfulness ...Really

I often wonder if we experience thankfulness. I do not think I do often enough. I am pretty sure that many of life's wonders pass me by while I am in worry, self pity, envy or self doubt. It is hard to be thankful...really.

What has happened just today that made me thankful. When the whole congregation sang the Lord's Prayer and I felt tears in my eyes I knew that was a thankful moment, but it was only a moment and alas I became self conscious, what is my eye make up was running down my face? Later in the day I was thankful that my grand babies were sitting on the couch with me watching National Geographic. But again my mind swiftly moved to worry that nature's violence might be too much.

I want to be thankful...I am well aware that I have food, a bed, family, health, and relative comfort in life. I am able to read, share my thoughts and freely worship my God. I have so much every day to be grateful for .... why then do I not spend more time saying thank you? This will be my quest for the next days...to ponder, to say thank you and to find the attitude of gratefulness.

Wednesday...Really?

So when did I begin to love Wednesday? When the weeks seem so long that any sight of Friday is hopeful. Or is it because very little seems to happen on Wednesday in my world? Never did like the saying "hump day" always felt that it was somehow nasty. But this morning when I woke up, after hitting my snooze more than five times, I was glad it was Wednesday.

I wonder what it would be like to be in a world without schedules and time lines. I wonder if I could create each day as it arrived how I would feel. It is ashame that in our world to have that freedom means we are potentially too old to fully enjoy it. In my case with a genetic certainty of Alzheimer Disease I will just be unaware. I have worked pretty much full time since I was 14. I knew the first week of my working career that I loved work, I really do. I love the independence and the freedom it allows. I love the feeling of accomplishment. But there are days, like Wednesdays when I feel the pull toward Friday that I wonder.