Hope, Faith, Life After?

The day I believed was not so long ago...I am a believer! This surely causes some concern while others are pleased. Just the word Christian is so laden with images and emotions that I often hesitate to say it. ( I feel like Peter betraying three times and three times again) The truth is that I am absolutely convinced that God is real, is in my life and that what lies ahead for me, for all people, is grace and mercy. There are some who believe that my faith is too open, that to believe in a love so abundant and endless is dangerous. What happens to the rules if we can be miserable human beings all along the way only to find a loving God who embraces our fragility and brokenness in the end.

Some say I focus on the "Good News" with little regard for the Old. Well I like the Good News, I like Jesus and his life. I like his disciples with all their flaws and gifts. I like Paul...his conversion and his unwavering faith despite his past and his certain future. It is so amazing to me to consider that we are loved by God in a way that is beyond our comprehension, a love that warms my heart against the chill of dark hearts and angry souls.

Trust, Trust, Trust

This week the issue of trust has been front and center in my world. This has caused me to ponder ---do others not trust too? What does trust mean, to trust someone, to trust myself, to trust God, the universe...what? I know this is a huge theme for me. Why I wonder.

In reading about trust one idea resonates with me: trust's direct connection to predictability. My ability to predict future actions based upon my understanding and trust of those around me. How I feel about trust is based on my life experience in relationships. Each arena I enter, work or social my past experiences come to bear on my perception of the environment and more importantly the people within that environment. If I expose my vulnerability what is the predicted outcome? I am struck by the idea that a predictable enemy maybe safer than an unpredictable friend or coworker. If I were able to have only those I trust around me what a wonderful thing: endless possibilities.

I grew up not trusting, I was taught very young not to trust. BUT what baffles me now is why is trust so important to me? Why now in my life has this come to light for me personally? And if I am okay with my world, if I am okay with Deb how does this mistrust continue to negatively impact me? Or does it...or perhaps should it?
Clearly the big world has given us a ample evidence that we should be short on trust and protect ourselves: the political agendas that ignore humanity, greedy mortgage lenders and greedy borrowers, high level crimes at the expense of so many working class folks...it is all there. Is it why we were all drawn to the Hope that Obama speaks of? His vulnerability there for all to see, do we hope beyond hope that good can still exist and trust will create trustworthiness?

I am not certain about any of this. I feel personally saddened by the way of the world, both out there and up close. I want daily consider my own trustworthiness. I guess that is the place to start.

Doing for Me....

I am not good at doing for me. I am not even sure what to do for me. When I do find time to take a little personal space the world is better. There was a period in my life when I ran everyday. I logged miles with a dedication previously unknown to me (this went on for over ten years). Then I stopped. I cannot recall the day or the hour, it was long after my leg had broken and healed. I have lots of possible reasons: my back hurts all the time, my hips are out of alignment or I am just not feeling well. But at the end of the day I cannot run as I used to and I miss it awful.
After the running there was a series of things; speed walking, biking (that lasted about a week uck) and endless starts and stops at the local gym. Nothing lasted or really stuck...I am always about the next workout idea but struggle with finding that place that mile 3 and 5 would give me.
Magically in my early 40's I found my faith, that certainly has changed my life. I believe it has saved my life. I am a better person for my relationship with God and live with a deep and steady gratefulness. I am blessed to be loved and to be aware of that love in all I do. I do not spend time, as I believe I should, with my faith. The good thing about it,for me, is that it is inside of me and no matter where or what I am doing it is only a prayer away. Still I work at finding time to dedicate to renewal and prayerful time.

Many days the end of the day arrives and all I have time or energy for is to read a book or watch some silly show. It is important to allow myself that. It is okay Deb, let it go, you can rest.

Lately I have taken up exercise routines. For the past month it has been a focus of my day to spare a mere 20 minutes for me. While I have had minimal results on the outside appearance, I suspect 20 minutes might not be quite enough, I feel better inside. It is strange but I feel better, in part, because I give Deb her time, even just a little. Now how to keep it up?

Learning to love the questions....

I have learned that much of what drives me forward in this world are the unanswered questions...It also keeps me awake at night when I feel that certainly I should have the answers. Many years ago I was introduced to a great book...Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. He had many beautiful passages in this small book of wisdom one in particular has stayed with me. Rilke wrote to his young poet friend:

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given now … the point is, to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

I love these words...I also marvel at how many answers I have actually lived into. I am also struck that I still have so many questions to live into.

So ladies what questions are we all living and what answers have we lived into?

Leadership

How many of watched the Obama concert yesterday? I was in awe of the show. I felt my patriotism rise and I began to feel that pride of being American again. Then I wondered how does this man keep his hope alive. How do you lead the free world, face all the troubles and tribulations that surely are coming his way with hopefulness. I watched his beautiful wife smile and move to the music and I wondered what wakes her up in the middle of the night. Hope made this leader what he is...what a wonderious thing that is. How do we sustain such hope?

2 AM Ponderings

The small numbers lit on my clock tell me it is 2:09...I know it is morning --I just woke from sleep. I can not be certain how long I have actually been awake because I seem to have been floating in and out of sleep for awhile, I am familiar with the process and fear begins to build, is this the end of my night's sleep. I look back to my numbers: 2:45.
During these awakenings my thoughts are never clearly one thing. I have been told that they are driven by anxiety that could stem from one thing. This single point of anxiety then becomes generalized. Now my brain must run through the long list of life fears and worries. The checkbook, fatty foods I have been eating, why are my arms shaking when I wave, the budget at work, the state budget cuts, the employee I must "supervise", the unpainted corner of our living room (been that way for some time n0w) and my grandchildren.
Get the picture?
I begin my peace words: let it go, rest your legs, your arms, let it go.....sometimes I pray for peacefulness. I pray for strength and acceptance that I cannot do it all. Then I remind myself over and over (between worries) that I can wake up with an appropriate amount of peace or maybe it is denial to move through the next day.
What I have learned over the years is that if this state of being awake and worrying goes past an hour I get up. I read, I start my day to assert purpose and take charge. Some days I am more successful than others with the day. However mostly I am aware that I ask much of myself.

Relationships-Men-Happiness-Pain

I often wonder why we could not start out lives with the wisdom age brings. Wouldn't our twenties have been far easier equipped with the knowledge we now own?
Relationships were a huge mystery for me. (still are many days) Now being honest it was not that they were not plentiful - I was blessed (or was it cursed) with looks that attracted a fair amount of men. How I handled these men spoke volumes about my own insecurities, fears and self deception. What I actually wanted from them or perhaps needed from them never matched reality. Why is that you ask? I suspect, call me crazy, that it was because I did not know what I wanted. Of course I am certain they must have felt the same especially when they were discarded for failing me!?
Now firmly in midlife I have the knowledge of all those relationships, I can recall with clarity the whole of these affairs, these lovely people who came and went. I see it all and know that ultimately what I sought did not exist in any person (no matter how beautifully put together). I wanted to feel love, deep internal love, personal love, love capable of forgiveness and an unlimited capacity for hope. I was seeking my own love. I was seeking faith. But oh what a crazy road I took.
There are those moments today in my current marriage that the old fears creep in, I look to my husband for something that he can never offer. He does not own my happiness anymore than he owns my heart. I absolutely love him! I am most certain of that love when I move through a day warmer for his touch, happier for his silliness and annoyed with his latest purchase on ebay. Yes that is when my world is in balance. Of course this quiet and cozy joy does not happen all the time nor do I move from my fearful state over night, or in a day. Most often it happens after a period a sadness, self reflection and after the wonderful women in my life, the small circle I call friends, remind me who I am.

Just for fun!

This is a trial run...looking to see how many of us wish to join and talk about what, we as women, do. How we share and laugh as women. What it means to be part of the bigger congregation of womanhood....here we are. Let's find ways to move through the maze together. What drives our daily life? What makes you wake up and do it all again and again?

Every Day

Everyday success is critical. We move toward the goals, the message on our personal tapes. More is better, kindness is a must, be tough, be cool, be funny, be serious....be dissatisfied. It is all too overwhelming and too much to bear. However, it need not be. Freedom is at hand. Satisfaction may come in small doses and we need to recognize then appreciate them. Don't you think?