The day I believed was not so long ago...I am a believer! This surely causes some concern while others are pleased. Just the word Christian is so laden with images and emotions that I often hesitate to say it. ( I feel like Peter betraying three times and three times again) The truth is that I am absolutely convinced that God is real, is in my life and that what lies ahead for me, for all people, is grace and mercy. There are some who believe that my faith is too open, that to believe in a love so abundant and endless is dangerous. What happens to the rules if we can be miserable human beings all along the way only to find a loving God who embraces our fragility and brokenness in the end.
Some say I focus on the "Good News" with little regard for the Old. Well I like the Good News, I like Jesus and his life. I like his disciples with all their flaws and gifts. I like Paul...his conversion and his unwavering faith despite his past and his certain future. It is so amazing to me to consider that we are loved by God in a way that is beyond our comprehension, a love that warms my heart against the chill of dark hearts and angry souls.
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I grew up in a large, strict, Catholic family and was educated in Catholic schools. This does not mean I was religious, just the opposite. I found it boring.
ReplyDeleteBy default, I know a lot about the bible and different religions (the later probably because I am an information junky.) I cannot quote a scripture nor, do I think, could relate one to my own life. Envious of people who can.
Had a couple of life dealings which brought me back to the church (to an extent)
The first was when my ex-husband (Peter) died around 10 years back. I was lost and devastated, it was the first time I experienced such a deep loss of someone so close to me.
So, I decided to go back to church. At first to a Catholic church in Turner which made me very uncomfortable. Extremely liberal – made me realize what I really wanted was the structure of the church and I remembered it more than enjoying the message. So, for many years Arnie and I did attend an Auburn church were I got the structure…. But that was it. Then we stopped, just busy lives. Believe this exercise was for comfort alone.
Last summer my mother died. Even more devastating than when Peter died and I spent most of the summer with her since she needed hospice care. Mom and I were not close before this, actually quite distant – a phone call every a couple of weeks (on a good month.)
One thing I learned last summer how strongly she used her faith to cope daily. From raising six kids and hitting all of the horrid parent issues (near death of a brother from drunk driving, another brother kicked out of college for selling marijuana… the list goes but both brothers turned out fine as adults.)
Mom loved Mary, the mother of Christ. Mom loved the rosary. She and I tried to better understand the rosary mysteries – she with much better luck than I. So, I relearned the rosary, read to her from the bible, watched mass on TV. All was so important to her and she got her message, much deeper than I could feel.
Recited so the rosary so many times to her in her last days when she was unconscious (and unfortunately in the hospital.)
One of her last comments to me was “Please talk to God and ask him to talk to x” x being my sister who is going through all sorts of crap right now and needs to take some ownership. This blew me away. On her deathbed that was the final solution for the issues with “x” were in God’s hands.
There is something there for me with God, I know it. But have not sorted it out. This Christmas I cried through mass – obvious mourning for Mom but also think someone was trying to send me a message. And, that evening I did listen and absorb the story I’ve heard so many times but thought it just a story.
I am so moved by your comments. I do believe that we are brought to faith in all kinds of ways and often it takes a devastating blow. I often envision God tapping my shoulder for years and then suddenly started using something like a brick to get my attention. I really believe his intent was simple: you are not alone, I love you.
ReplyDeleteLike you I struggle with the right church setting and my attendance seems to wax and wane. But my belief has stayed steady and in those times in my life that I spend real time with my faith (some daily quiet, reading or reflection) no matter how little....my days go better. Isn't that crazy? But it is absolutely the case.
Now do not let me come off as some diligent believer spending time in prayer ever day...I wish I could be but that is not the case but I do try to keep a few good books, including the Bible, anything Brennan Manning and daily devotions close by. I think, as I am learning more about caring for the soul, it is about caring for the soul through my faith that makes life so much better.
Honestly Nancy I just wanted to say---what a wonderful faith your mother had! Inspiration indeed. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Deb.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could get as much from the bible as you do. Yes, prayer or devotions ideally should be daily in my life - whatever it ends up being (probably does not take longer than flossing)
Even a "Hail Mary" recite till I can get to a deeper level. Perhaps would make me understand the faith Mom had. Gonna say one now:)
I appreciate people being motivated by faith. In whatever. I have faith that if I pay attention to each moment as it arises, and let it go when it subsides, that I will be awake to the universe -- whatever that means. Deb, you occasionally make reference to your faith in Jesus (usually right after you have sworn) but certainly don't beat anyone over the head with it. I can see that you are very driven to do right in the world, specifically for adults with MR, which may or may not be part of your faith. I think my mother would fare better if she could get out of herself and feel some connection to the universe, whether through God or nature or whatever. Nancy, your openness to your mother's beliefs seems very compassionate to me. I find the more I think about faith and the universe, the softer I become -- more easily moved to tears, feeling more keenly the beauty and poignancy of life. Who knows if we'll truly understand reality and existence while alive (I think it all becomes clear at the moment of death)? It's important to investigate and ask the questions.
ReplyDeleteWhen a tear comes from words beautifully sung or a sense of warmth envelopes my heart I know that God is present. Walking on a beach in Wells Maine shortly after the suicide of a woman related by marriage to me is one of the clearest God moments. I was disturbed by her death and was struggling with the "rules" of the Bible, asking how could you not take this sad and lonely soul to your home? I cried for her and walked along continuing to seek an answer, I could not accept that in her brokenness she could not have had salvation. I stopped walking as the tide reached my sneakers and looked down. There, right in front of me had washed up this perfect sand dollar. I knew, it was crystal clear to me that she was saved and that God was all forgiving and loving, he had heard and answered. There have been so many little moments of awe for me, but this one always stands out. It is a joyful and good place to be loved. Nancy you are in relationship with your faith, your story, your thoughts...the questions...it is all good. Laurie I hear you about your mother. I loaned Pat V. Brennan Manning's Ragga Muffin Gospels but she might enjoy it. He brought me to my faith in many ways...yeah and I got to quit swearing! Happy Sunday to you all.
ReplyDeleteSwearing is funny. Humor is godliness -- the acknowledgement of the absurdity of life and our inability to truly know anything. My mother is a crazy-ass old lady and I am not capable of leading her out of her misery.
ReplyDeleteNow that is the Laurie I know and love. Then again I believe that you cannot lead her out of misery, that is for God. I understand that you clearly believe that may be a very large task but then that is where faith does its work.
ReplyDeleteI am always amazed at where people find God.
When I watch the sun set and the millions of stars appear every day, just as I expected, I am struck by how much we do not really understand. That gap in what we can comprehend and what we can merely theorize about is where God smiles at us, just as if we were kittens playing with a tiny rubber band. Amazed and silly. Yep Laurie it is good to have humor and accept that there is much we cannot know.