This week the issue of trust has been front and center in my world. This has caused me to ponder ---do others not trust too? What does trust mean, to trust someone, to trust myself, to trust God, the universe...what? I know this is a huge theme for me. Why I wonder.
In reading about trust one idea resonates with me: trust's direct connection to predictability. My ability to predict future actions based upon my understanding and trust of those around me. How I feel about trust is based on my life experience in relationships. Each arena I enter, work or social my past experiences come to bear on my perception of the environment and more importantly the people within that environment. If I expose my vulnerability what is the predicted outcome? I am struck by the idea that a predictable enemy maybe safer than an unpredictable friend or coworker. If I were able to have only those I trust around me what a wonderful thing: endless possibilities.
I grew up not trusting, I was taught very young not to trust. BUT what baffles me now is why is trust so important to me? Why now in my life has this come to light for me personally? And if I am okay with my world, if I am okay with Deb how does this mistrust continue to negatively impact me? Or does it...or perhaps should it?
Clearly the big world has given us a ample evidence that we should be short on trust and protect ourselves: the political agendas that ignore humanity, greedy mortgage lenders and greedy borrowers, high level crimes at the expense of so many working class folks...it is all there. Is it why we were all drawn to the Hope that Obama speaks of? His vulnerability there for all to see, do we hope beyond hope that good can still exist and trust will create trustworthiness?
I am not certain about any of this. I feel personally saddened by the way of the world, both out there and up close. I want daily consider my own trustworthiness. I guess that is the place to start.
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"Trust”…. I too immediately think of our new President. “Hope over fear!” Trust and fear…very powerful emotions that can, unfortunately, go hand in hand. I believe that trust is based on something must stronger than "Hope" but that certainly enters into the equation as we always hope we can trust. In today’s global business world, trust is something to be wary of; it could be interpreted as a sign of weakness. It appears to me that some of our business leaders, politicians, etc. are setting the example of mistrust. It’s sad to think that there are generations growing up who may not be able to fully trust and respect the leaders, both in business and politics, of this country. Unfortunately, some have recently brought that mistrust issue very close to home thus instilling that sense of fear and insecurity.
ReplyDeleteI think that trust can almost be compared to intimacy, though I doubt if anyone but me ever thought of in that term. By intimate I mean the deep respect, the total confidence, that “warm fuzzy feeling” that you have when you fully trust someone. Trusting in someone is a really fearful emotion. What if I’ve mistrusted someone? What if they break that trust and leave me vulnerable thus exposing my weaknesses? When I trust in someone or something I do so with the deep underlying fear that I could possibly end up as a victim of someone who preyed on that trust. So, do I really fully trust them? How can I be sure? I find I trust very few people with things that could leave me vulnerable, feeling violated, exposed and isolated. In everyday life in everyday circumstances with everyday issues I certainly try to trust those around me. But for the things that I truly worry about, my deep down inner fears as well as my hopes and dreams, I usually find myself talking to myself as I can trust me. Do I like feeling this way? No! Once you’ve lost that trust in someone it’s difficult, if not impossible, to replace the feelings of hurt and vulnerability with forgiveness. Forgiveness, a very powerful emotion that I wish I could wrap myself around more often than I do.
Deb, like you I also learned about misplaced trust very early in life. “Vulnerable” could have been my middle name. I was the one everyone trusted; the one everyone told their problems and secrets to. Did I have anyone I could talk to…someone that I could trust to keep my deepest secrets, my hopes, my dreams? No! I had so little self confidence that I stopped trusting and found myself always on the defensive. I think that women especially have a need for someone they can fully confide in. For some it is their spouse. Those gals lucky enough to have a man in their lives who will patiently sit and listen while you pour out your inner most thoughts, etc. without rolling their eyes, reaching for the remote or, worse yet, try to “fix” what is bothering you when all you really want is for them to listen and offer that shoulder to lean on….you are truly blessed. For the rest of us we usually confide in our female friends. But which ones can we trust? Why do we trust them? What if they betray that trust…then what? Again….trust and fear. My “best friend” really doesn’t know me as well as she thinks she does. She confides in me but I confide very little to her. I know that I am her best friend but is she really mine? I don’t know. She says that I’m stronger than she is. Am I really strong or am I displaying a false image of confidence as a means of protecting myself from the pain of mistrust? I find myself letting few really getting to see what I refer to as the “real me”. I could be a good example of not judging a book by its cover as the pages of my book could be surprising to many. Is this a good thing? I’m not sure but I feel safe and I don’t’ have to face the reality of the trust versus fear issue. It’s something that I think about often….yet another reason to be awake at 2:00am.
I am blown away by what you two insightful, honest women just said. I have taught my children, (or tried to) that trust is harder to attain than love. You can love lots of people, but trusting them is an entirely different thing. I feel that trust is something most people have a problem with. Again, my childhood damaged my trust genes, so to speak. I don't mind letting people know that I am an incest survivor, and the perpetrator was my father. I was the shy child, the quiet child, the obedient child. My mom wasn't available to me as she was submerged in her own frailties and weaknesses. I only tell you all of this about me because I have come to find in my 50+ years, that many of the good, caring, giving, and selfless people of the world have been abused, in one way or another, and have had their trust damaged and tossed aside. Despite it all, and maybe because I came to a place a long time ago where I can tell people about my abuse, I can trust some people. Being that honest gives you a sense of freedom and clarity. And trust is the hardest to attain. Learn to trust in yourself and you hopefully will find the strength and security to trust others. You don't have to trust everyone. Hopefully, you don't! But do have trust. We need to be able to do that to move forward, And I also, think about this a lot, and often at 2:00 a.m. ......and one more thing. I do trust you ladies!
ReplyDeleteWow to all of you! I have many thoughts on trust which I cannot sort through my mind. When I have more time I'll post
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing isn't it? Central to all our activities is trust. I absolutely believe that as it is tested, as vulnerabilities are exposed and treated with respect and honesty trustworthiness builds.
ReplyDeleteWhat I find most interesting to me is how much it drives relationships and either adds to the greatness of a team or is its' destruction. For me to be the leader I most want to be, no only in my job but in my world it is imperative that I work on my ability to be trustworthy in all areas.
BTW it is amazing to me that such great insight is shared and I am in awe of your honesty ladies!
I trust myself and I know that people are weak. It pretty much works out. I also don't communicate much about my life, especially my past. Except for the parts that make me seem glamorously rebellious!
ReplyDeleteThat is absolutely fine. I have learned a lot from my past and have been able to help a lot of people come to grips with theirs. And I am still learning so much about myself every day. That's what life is, a learning process. And you ARE glamorously rebellious in a fabulous way!
ReplyDeleteLove this: "Except for the parts that make me seem glamorously rebellious!"
ReplyDeleteGetting closer to having time to ramble on trust -- not enough "me time" for the last few days...
Hmmm...you really think most people are weak? I think that most people do not fully appreciate their strengths and have moments of weakness in their lives. However, I have learned to never underestimate the flock. See just when I begin to feel more powerful or stronger than the pack the universe rights itself and someone pees all over me. Not so glamorous in those moments and I have a few good battle scars to prove it.
ReplyDeleteBut the war stories are certainly fun!
We all have the potential to be weak -- to be susceptible to pettiness, to hurt others, even to be evil. Most of us resist weakness when it really counts. I don't mean that I am strong and others are weak -- I meant that I am not surprised when people do bad things, including myself, and are untrustworthy. I can be surprised about an individual, ie. if Ailie killed someone, I would be very surprised. But humankind in general is capable of some very heinous activities. And also some very compassionate activities. I also believe that most people want to live in a peaceful, benevolent environment. But greed and distrust disrupt that desire.
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