Worries and night time discussions

I want to sleep!

Awakened in the darkness, broken by a string of holiday lights across the back porch, I listen to my mind. Questions, things to do, worries and visions of days gone by. It is amazing what comes flying into the mind, the stories I am able to create many of which make no sense at all. I check the clock it is 1:30am, not a good sign. This will be a long night.

I wonder why I have such worries at night and why do they keep me awake. A bit of research tells me that I am not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of hits on the web if you google cannot sleep and many who give advice however the shear volume of hits also suggest the problem remains.

I found a few sites worthy of looking: This one has lots of links that I thought were helpful.

http://lifelearningtoday.com/2008/04/09/cant-sleep-at-night-heres-what-to-do/

Of course there is the cute little song that my grand children like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oT26nDbEbrU

Or a popular "today" kind of video ...kind of makes me think of dancing so not sure it is helpful to sleep:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqEbRzy_t8

All in all, perhaps the next time I am awake and feeling so alone and frustrated I can think of the millions who join me. That will give me something new to ponder.

Dad, One year today

Hey Dad, it has been a year since we gathered in your room for the final time in Hampton. I will always feel sorry that despite our best efforts we were minutes too late. But then it was so like you to make our final visit peaceful. There was no feeling badly that you could not catch that last breath, we did not see you struggle. We can always believe the nurse who said you were not alone and you went quietly.

A lot has happened in a year, all the while I think you have been with me. I was told by a psychic that you come and go in my life but are always available. Well tell me something that I do not know! I love you with all my heart. You live in every memory and each breath I take. As I rest my hand on my own heart I feel yours within me. I miss you. I have missed you for a long time. But you know that too. Today I will keep you close and honor your one year entry into the peaceful Kingdom where surely you are smiling.

Family, Holidays and Hauntings

The charm of holiday decorations and lights. The houses all warmly lit up cheerful and pretty as music plays songs of family, friends and peace on earth. A time when we reflect on the promise of our faiths the love or our families and the hope that makes the daily trials acceptable.

The weird thing about holidays is all of the above. Behind the windows of those homes are lonely people, hungry people, disappointed and happy people. Beyond the joyful songs are the same revolutionary ones calling for change and reminding all of humankind what we have missed. The same family issues and hurts. These all seem to glare or perhaps screech against the glass of holiday cheer. What is wrong more haunting and more apparent.

I wonder would it be better if we allowed the joy and fun to spread out over the year? No-because we would not. Who does not recall the magic as a child, why would any of us steal that away...so what if the adults indulge the magic even for a few days?

Addiction, the family disease

I have witnessed addiction in my life, felt its grip on my sanity and endured the loss of love from one you love. The venom of an alcoholic's words aimed at the heart while often grandiose and misrepresented land invisible arrows for a life time. Life on the sidelines sucks, the insidious guilt, fear and hope warps reality.

There is no glory as a recovering co dependent. No cheers when you announce your role in the disease and your desire to remain "not" codependent. No coins given at day one, week one or year one. No celebration that you have chosen a new life free of addicts.

Today I feel it is a life no less difficult than the addict and equally as certain to resurface in your world. If, this is a BIG IF, you are smart enough to leave the relationships that brought you to codependency the likelihood it will resurface is high. And for many it will appear in the love most precious, your children.

This addiction, this relationship between parent and child fills the soul with desperation and a sadness that holds joy hostage.

I want a chip. I want to feel brave and courageous. I would like to feel valued for stopping the insanity. I sit rather with a heart beating, I am here. That is all. I want the end of addiction and all that forever lay wounded and scarred at its feet.

Morning Drive ...Don't make Eye Contact

The morning drive is a unique beast out here in LA. I approach the 405, always with a degree of anticipation and in trepidation. Will we move? Will one of the four available lanes (no HOV since I am alone) move faster than 30 mph. Will I be on time ? I watch the other drivers, some putting on makeup (that falls into the distracted driver offense...I am guilty) some, no many on their phones (we cannot hold them here so we talk to our visors or seemingly to air...perhaps a tiny ear piece). Some may possibly be talking to themselves (guilty here) or singing. But I do not think I see a lot of singing on the 405.

So that is how thousands of us begin a day. I know there is no other place on earth like the 405 but there are many similar route 95, 495 or the loop. (yes northeast girl with some knowledge of Chicago). I am left to ponder what does that do to us as people, this thing called commuting. I recall in the 70s we got signs and had a phase of trying to communicate with our fellow commuters but today we seem to prefer to ignore. Do not make eye contact. Kind of screwed up way to start a day. Thank goodness for Public Radio.

Midlife and Sunday

So here it is Sunday and I am ready for the service time, hopeful this week I pay attention. I am not sure if it is midlife or just a brain filled with chaos that makes me wander even in church. Midlife is a kind of crazy place.

So here is 52, I look differently than before, I feel most different and I am aware that much of what I have done does not excite me. I look back on a few distinct moments with pride and use huge amounts of good ole fashion denial to forget many. I laugh at some, I smile at some and I even fondly recall a few of the most crazy moments. But in total I find myself wondering. I am pulled by this powerful voice, the one that speaks to me in my sleep and my waking but no one else hears. The voice that warns me of danger and reprimands me for poor behavior. It is, of course my voice, and she can be a real challenge.

I wish that I could spread a bit of cheer here, a bit of hope that the world is as it should be and I am where I am supposed to be...but that is not what it feels like. I have been, if nothing else true to this blog and it has been my diary of reality. My father once said that if I lived my life as an open book that my actions would not haunt me. I guess that if I knew that all I did would be seen and examined by those I care about and those I may not even know I would be kinder, softer and at times harsher. But I would be free of guilt. Something to ponder.

Holidays...something fills the air.

So despite my efforts to let this holiday just pass, usually I love Thanksgiving but this one feels off without my hubby. It also feels off for some reason I am not able to articulate. Over the past month I have been pulled to be or do something that I cannot identify. It is a weird feeling, I think it is midlife? I just know that each day feels important and I am fully aware that currently I let them slip by with being busy. Not a good busy but an uncertain and unmotivated busy. It must be done type of busy. I love the work I do, I love the challenge but I am not feeling a "good" in my heart.

I often wake up at three or four in the morning and remain in bed, I recently have tried to connect with a higher power. To lay quietly and ask the universe what is it I am meant to hear. I feel it, it is just around the corner. I feel the pull at my emotional corners everyday, a small voice calling but I am unclear of the words.

Perhaps this is brought on my a sense of mortality. As I care for my mother with Alzheimer's Disease I am fully aware that is most likely my future. My father and all his siblings died of the disease. It is not pretty. How much time do I really have? What is most important? The moments with Mom, the grand children moving quickly to young ladies.

Familiar conflicts for me, I suspect a very common female reality...the financial and emotional need to work versus the family and my need to nurture. So I lay here this Thanksgiving morning grateful for a warm bed, a quiet house, a cute corgi dog and a family to love. I will try to ditch worry today and move through the hours as slowly as possible.

Beautiful ...Must Read!

I have never posted an email sent to me but this time it was too good to pass on...I had this sent from a dear friend ...it is worthy to stand alone...as Frank would say "nuff said"......

The Whale... If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

Save the Earth....It's the only planet with chocolate.

Sleeping with the Dogs!

I am worried that I will not fall asleep. I have been on route back to Los Angeles since noon time. After a long flight with a few naps and the re-entry into my life here I am finding sleep is not coming easily. Of course my two dogs seem to be doing just fine filling the empty spaces of my bed. (note my grand baby barely fits with dogs)

The interesting thing is that I am worried. I have figured out that I worry. I worry about almost anything and everything. I think of all that might go wrong and when it does not confuse my worry with proactive intervention. Of course this is not truthful since much of my worry never comes to any reality. I come from a good gene pool of worry...we like to worry in my family. We do not like to sleep with dogs, that began with me. My two children like to sleep with dogs.

The question I ask myself is why must I worry. Why do I find it so darn difficult to just be "in the moment" just be grateful for all that is mine to enjoy. How lucky I am. How fortunate I am. I have family and a home and food. I have generally good health, well you never know what might come.

The sad truth is that I am at odds with myself. I want desperately to be peacefully enjoying the beauty that surrounds me, to feel in sync with the universe. But I cannot figure how I am going to pay the bills that are due and wonder if I should take back the shoes that I paid an insane $98.00 for? They are not even comfortable. Note to self: do not shop after a glass, well two of wine. Good heavens a new thing to worry about...I drink too much wine.

Tonight I am going to sleep with my dogs. I am going to be happy they are alive and do not have fleas. I am going to be happy to sleep. Tomorrow I will worry about why I worry.

Favorite Books a Great Place to Visit

I arrived at my Maine home to find a copy of a favorite book. "An Interrupted Life-the diaries of Etty Hillesum" . It was a book I read in my early thirties and has always been a life changer for me. It is a book that brought me closer to my faith and helped to remind me that nothing, nothing is so dark that love is not possible. It was Etty's love of humanity, love of God and love of each moment that amazed me.

This morning I picked up the well worn book, once shared with a friend and returned to me by mail some 15 years later during a time of uncertainty. Opening the book to a page that seemed fitting for me I share:

"We go too far in fearing for our unhappy bodies, while our forgotten spirit shrivels up in some corner. Our lives are going wrong , we conduct ourselves without dignity. We lack an historical sense, forget that even those about to perish are a part of history. I hate nobody. I am not embittered. And once the love of mankind has germinated in you, it will grow without measure."

In a prison camp, facing certain death and horrible conditions these were her thoughts. I think to myself how timeless they are. The worry for my aging body, my aching back or my unhappiness with a particular event in my week pales when I experience my faith, feeling love deeply. So for today I take with me the idea that allowing love to grow is far more productive than worry!

How to find the happy place

Where is the happy place? Is it when you can increase the font on your computer screen with a single button? Is it making chili at 5 am so that the house will smell warm and healthy when you return at 7? Is it early mornings when there is still time to read an article or watch the weather?

Perhaps these are the little happy moments that if not cherished simply fade into the white wash that becomes a busy day. So that in an instant a missing document, a lost prescription or unexpected bill nullify those happy moments. Why is that so?

As I have entered the second half of my life...52 by the way is not my favorite age. I have realized that when reflecting on the past I do not think of those tiny moments, I do not really think about my jobs and accomplishments therein, I do not recall a morning verse.....I think instead about specific times of peace and refuge. I recall a camping trip or family visit. I recall a special room in my childhood home or the view of the White Mountains. I recall the beach and all its mysteries. So how do we find that happy place within the world we spend most of our time? What do we do to keep the wonder of children and the joy of a shared meal alive amidst the crush of deadlines and due dates?

I believe that the answer here is much more than one day's work. It rests in faith, friendship and personal time out. Now if I can just get these things in my calendar! Happy Tuesday.

Thankfulness ...Really

I often wonder if we experience thankfulness. I do not think I do often enough. I am pretty sure that many of life's wonders pass me by while I am in worry, self pity, envy or self doubt. It is hard to be thankful...really.

What has happened just today that made me thankful. When the whole congregation sang the Lord's Prayer and I felt tears in my eyes I knew that was a thankful moment, but it was only a moment and alas I became self conscious, what is my eye make up was running down my face? Later in the day I was thankful that my grand babies were sitting on the couch with me watching National Geographic. But again my mind swiftly moved to worry that nature's violence might be too much.

I want to be thankful...I am well aware that I have food, a bed, family, health, and relative comfort in life. I am able to read, share my thoughts and freely worship my God. I have so much every day to be grateful for .... why then do I not spend more time saying thank you? This will be my quest for the next days...to ponder, to say thank you and to find the attitude of gratefulness.

Wednesday...Really?

So when did I begin to love Wednesday? When the weeks seem so long that any sight of Friday is hopeful. Or is it because very little seems to happen on Wednesday in my world? Never did like the saying "hump day" always felt that it was somehow nasty. But this morning when I woke up, after hitting my snooze more than five times, I was glad it was Wednesday.

I wonder what it would be like to be in a world without schedules and time lines. I wonder if I could create each day as it arrived how I would feel. It is ashame that in our world to have that freedom means we are potentially too old to fully enjoy it. In my case with a genetic certainty of Alzheimer Disease I will just be unaware. I have worked pretty much full time since I was 14. I knew the first week of my working career that I loved work, I really do. I love the independence and the freedom it allows. I love the feeling of accomplishment. But there are days, like Wednesdays when I feel the pull toward Friday that I wonder.

Saturdays...Not what the used to be!

So Saturdays used to be the day of sleep and play, the one we looked forward to all week long. But something has happened...well frankly it happened a long time ago. We lost our day. It has become shopping. laundry, cleaning and driving day. What is up with that!!!

Today at 4pm I finally stopped after cleaning the rugs, ucky doggy dirt and kiddy dirt and ---How did I walk barefoot on these? And now I am at the computer taking a few minutes away from answering work emails to keep track of my beloved blog. (lost my password a bit ago when opened a new g-mail account).

So I am here to say I want to reclaim Saturdays. Don't you?

I figure if I am failing at the "me time" during the week I deserve Saturday. So the question is what drives me to be insane all day on Saturday? I could do laundry on Friday night, I could clean on Thursday...so why not? Well if I can whine it would be because most days I am not home til after 7pm and that is NO time to clean or shop or anything. So maybe I need a cleaning person, hmmm if I gave up the coffee every day -- 3 dollars a day times 7 is $21.oo and the lunches I buy 4 out of 7 days..there is another $24.00...by golly I could likely hire someone to come and clean (at least as well as I do!)

Okay so here is to cleaning person, now who will shop for me? What could I give up?

Time Goes By and By and By

So where exactly does the time go? It seems like forever ago that I last wrote. It is tempting to drop this whole blogging effort however it is because of that desire I am here writing. After all there must be something worthy of "the blog".

Time and how is passes...As I had my hair trimmed yesterday I looked into the mirror thinking wow my face is my father's face. Then I thought wow, I am old. Then I took off my glasses and almost feel asleep. Time sure does pass quickly. I guess the question for me was: what are you doing to mark it? What moments will you take from this time?

So my exercise is to think about the past five years, what do I think about that makes me smile, makes me wish I could return to that hour, that minute? I always go to Bookelia. I am not sure exactly why but I do. That house, that water, those dolphins. I think about fires in the back yard and holidays. Why holidays? I suspect because we put so much emphasis on enjoying those days. We stop-listen-play and enjoy. I think about a few friends and gatherings..a shared meal. I think about the grand babies and their uniforms for St Marys.

Today I am going to focus on things I might remember! Maybe creating memorable times each day would be worth while? Happy Monday!

Lonely at the Top

I am a person who believes all is possible with enough caring and drive. Passion mixed with talent is all that is needed, a significant lack of either and failure is certain. Finding that balance is the test of my inner captain.

Being a person who thrives on a challenge I often end up in leadership where serious change is needed. Big changes require fortitude. There are days when despite all my learning and all my vision I do not know. I ask, I seek, I ask again but in the final weighing of the options I must stand within my own experience and belief. Decisions ultimately I must make alone. So while I like to lead, really ask anyone I am bossy, the moments of action are always preceded by a brief moment of suspended feelings and emotions and then without hesitation--- A moment of faith in which I leap. A lonely leap into the next challenge.

Raising Mom

Okay so I bought this Life Alert necklace for Mom. I must say it is pretty darn cool. The only issue is that she does not remember to wear it! It has the box where people talk to you and they have your whole life history so when you have an issue they know who is in the house. She also has an attachment so if she took a walk and got lost she could push a button and call 911...it also has GPS so that they could locate her. But when someone has no, really NO, short term memory it difficult to teach her how to use this stuff.

There are days when her questions become so painful. But then there are many others that I am blessed to have her with me. She loves the grandchildren -- we both came to California from the east coast to be with them. She loves her wine, she gets that every night. And she loves Hannah the corgi dog (even if she does not admit it).

Weekends are spent taking her out and about. It is odd that many things are still there for her. She likes to shop, she likes flowers around her, she likes going out to eat but always professes that she has too much food and often eats most of it. She loves to comment on all the people around her, not always nice.

I guess the core of who she has always been is there, it is just so sad to see that she cannot recall what she had for lunch or if she ate lunch. Or worse the afternoon at the beach with her precious great grand girls. But I think she is generally happy (as happy as my mother will ever be). People seemed surprised when I say I brought her to the west coast and I wonder why not? I hope someone brings me on an adventure at 83. Well got to go get her medications ready before I go to work. It is interesting raising Mom.

Dog Parks...

So my Hannah corgi has a new dog park and it is just around the corner. I have discovered that she is prey for the Big dogs but loves the smaller dog play area. Dogs are funny, as I watch the dogs it is much like the parade of folks I watch with my mother having coffee on Sunday mornings. Some are very social and chat with all the other dogs, some stay to the edges watching and sometimes running with the pack but on the fringe. There are the leaders, Hannah is not one, and there are the followers. But all seem happy to arrive and be in the midst of fellow canines.

I have thought about my own life, my limited networks of personal friends. I am great with the business world relationships (well at least I think so) but I do very little to build my network of friends. I think, in part, I work hard and then just want to rest at the end of the day. But I also know that I lack enthusiasm or drive for social interactions that requires small talk or general conversation. Not sure why but there it is. The irony is that when I push myself to go out and do things with others I usually find it fun. But I am not sure it is always relaxing. SO my new goal is to keep my radar on for opportunities to interact, to join groups and to meet people. I need to nurture the friends I have and find new ones. Guess I will keep watching the dogs for some insights and think about it just a little bit longer!

On the brighter side

How easy is it to think of what is wrong, to criticize and judge. How much easier it is to go negative than to find the good. I am almost certain that not everyone finds it so but for me it has been my first instinct. I had a man who worked for me who once said he always looked for Waldo, the forgotten detail or issue. While a critical eye and mind are crucial, in my opinion, to getting a job done well, it is also equally as important to find what is right.

I have decided that I want to give equal time, if not more time, to the good in things and people. To look at a situation and build upon what it is at its very best. It is hard for me. I am judging all the time, someones dress or style, looking for the hidden agenda in each conversation. I would like to start my new life, each day with a clean heart and open mind. To bring to each conversation hope and joy. I would like to take note of what worked well so that I might build on that. I would like to see my world as a series of magical events which are only possible in this one moment and will never occur exactly this way again. I want to see preciousness in the first conversations with God to the last good nights to those in my heart.

I am committed to trying, really trying to live on the brighter side. I am here in the land of glitz and glamor but I see that nothing has changed. I am still me, I have big feet with ugly heels. I have pretty eyes and new wrinkles daily. I get to share moments with the woman who raised me as broken and crazy as she is and the grand babies who still believe all is possible. I get to fully appreciate my son, so many miles away for his courage to live each day one at a time and the commitment of my daughter to fulfill her dream. I get to miss my husband and be glad for the missing knowing it is a measure of my love. I want to stay on the brighter side it is a good place to be.

No Matter How Far Wrong you go You can Turn Around

Do we really ever need permission to begin again? Or perhaps the bigger question is do we really ever start again? After all we take everything from this point with us. For example people who divorce and start again...they bring the experience good and bad of the first marriage with them to the next. Staring a new job is similar we always bring all the lessons from both good decisions and bad to the next position. This makes me wonder if we should re-frame the idea of starting over. Perhaps we are turning around, taking our toys with us and giving ourselves permission to try again. Perhaps if we bring ALL that is part of the past with us, honor it, respect it we will be better at starting the walk again.

In my life I have had so many "start overs" new homes, new relationships, new jobs and new life styles...but often I felt as if I needed or wanted to let go of where I came from. Recently I have watched someone I care deeply about fight the grasp of addiction, here is a time when letting go of the past...starting over would seem appropriate. I think however there too it is important to take ALL of who we are with us, hold it gently and accept it. Be glad for it. Then turn around, make a new choice in direction and walk on with Great knowledge gained from life lessons hard earned!

Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah, .

There are some songs that stay with you always. My husband wonderfully reminded me of this one last night. I have always loved this song and for reasons I cannot explain Leonard is my favorite version.

While at first it was a song about love and the bittersweet reality of it. I then heard the Biblical story of King David and of course of praising God. While there are many sad moments of love gone wrong, loneliness and reality. But in the end the song is merely Hallelujah and that word over and over so beautifully song that it leaves me with hope and heart. Just love it. So here it is....

When our Children Amaze Us!

My oldest just completed her final classes, final paper, final exam, final everything with Georgetown Law. She has done it!

She has a job at a wonderful firm ahead. But today I am just loving this moment...how proud I am and how I admire her strength and commitment. She did this while raising, two babies, sweet girls now four and five. And while she would kill me if I published any numbers let me say she is in the top of her class. It is so wonderful to see the gifts of our children, ones that have nothing to do with our bragging rights but with their accomplishments. Of course I believe that she has the right combination of "good stuff" which I had some part in, but ultimately she took the ingredients mixed them up and decided who she would become.

Jackie's drive for excellence has always given me reason to be in awe, from running track in High School and at Syracuse, to graduating from Officer Candidate School in the Marine Corp to this wonderful day. It is a great feeling to sit and admire the person your child has become. I am so pleased to know this lovely woman, proud to be her mother and honored to call her friend. It is a good day when our children remind us to be amazed.

Mind Tapes...Obsessing...Hope!

I believe that everyone experiences some degree of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), for me it is the tapes that replay in my mind particularly at 3am. That worry tape that has a lot in common with Chicken Little. I had a friend once who told me that when I am worried I bring everything, EVERYTHING into the worry. I do! So I began to think about ways out of my obsessing.

The clock says 1:30am....here I am with my thoughts. A million negative and frightening thoughts: bills, the basement leaks, are the floors rotting, the lawn is a mess, the grandchildren need more attention, my son, my daughter, does my husband feel loved? what will I do about folks at the office who seem "stuck" in drama.

I stop and think about a dear friend Dr. Hamilton. He runs an organization called HOPE. How cool. He always talks about intention and looking for possibilities rather than fear. He talks about our guilty and fearful past. He also has often reminded me that fear is about something that has not happened, it is in the future...how to gain control over this moment and sleep? Stop the tapes, stop the worry. I make a list of the worries and try again to rest. When that fails I read, reading unlike surfing the net or watching tv takes a good deal of focus for me. I try to create the image of my most desired life...what does a perfect day look like. I bring up every moment, the smells, the air, the sunshine...all of it.

Some nights are better than others. Some days I can turn the tape off and others I can manage to only reduce the volume. But when I find a positive image, when I focus on good things in my life and rest in my faith I am able to hit the Mute button. Never easy but certainly better than not sleeping.

This is Dr Hamilton's site. I love this man he shares space at our complex in Maine. When he comes for a visit you are never the same, half an hour with him is a blessing. Good people indeed. http://www.hopehealing.org/Home.asp

Having Fun just is not the same..Better?

Why at 52 years old do I not try to have more fun? Or do I have fun in ways that I never considered in the past. No I am not spending hundreds on clothing (that can be occasionally fun if you can do it without guilt), no not traveling to my island..but when I think of it I do have fun.

Now fun is playing in the back yard on a sunny day with the grandchildren and my totally nuts Corgi. I marvel at her jumps and my heart is full watching them sprint from one corner of the yard to the other.

This weekend we played the alphabet game (for each letter we needed to find something in the yard that began with that letter). We lined all our findings up in row carefully using rocks to hold down the "hay for H" that was flying away. It was a two hour game and we made it to X before an afternoon shower. This was, in my opinion a good thing as I had no idea what to do with X. But on the way up the steps to the kitchen door little five year old said: "Nana right there an X now we can look for Y" I looked over and leaning against the house was a piece of lattice with yes "x"in its design. Fun!

Following the call of Family

There are times in life when my heart just finds its beat. I don't always like the beat it finds but I know it is right as surely as my next breath. Personally I believe that it is my faith and that God is certainly at the center of these findings.

Here are a few examples. My mother lives with me, she has for a few years. When I made the decision on a ride home from visiting her in her lonely apartment it came to me: Mom has to move in. I knew she would not be able to stay alone and that her next move would be to a nursing home. I had watched my father's journey into the nursing home and did not want that for my mother, not yet. But the weird thing was that for months I had contemplated this, spoken with my husband about it and yet it was as if I was knocked on the head on that ride through North Hampton back to Maine. She moved in and lives with me now. It has not been easy but then raising me was never easy. Living with me now is not easy. There have been some really rough patches but in the end it was the right thing to do and in my heart I know that I have followed the call. The moments I have with her when she peels carrots next to me or shares a view on the front porch or when the grandchildren run to her room to wake her up each morning, that is when I feel right in my heart.

My daughter and her children are another example. Most recently they have lived with us while she finishes her last year of law school. They have been in and out of our house for years. We vacationed with them this year, it was glorious. The children, my daughter Bob and I spent a week in Florida with my sister and her husband at our beloved Pine Island. As we drove home, somewhere in North Carolina during the horrible rain storm I looked at Bob and said we cannot desert this family, ever. He looked back and said "I know". Committing to this family, the grandchildren and my daughter, will not always be easy just as living together for the last year has not always been simple. But in that moment at 2am while they slept in the back of the van it was clear: we are in this with them: Bob, me, mom and the rest of our family. It felt good.

Family is the most important part of life. I believe that God is love and he gives us family so that we might know love intimately. It is such a gift and when family calls it is as if, in my world, God is calling. So I follow.

Memory...

What has happened to me in midlife? I cannot remember as well as I once did. I keep lists and email myself information in the middle of the night. I have my email on speed dial on my cell phone. My lists are longer and sometimes I forget to cross things off, good heavens then I have to revisit the list several times. I always prided myself on my ability to multi-task and now I wonder why would anyone want to do so many things all at once? Ha I can simply take things one at a time on my list.

I might be smarter than ever before. I am certain that my overloaded brain is wiser. I am more selective about my investments (not money but time) and my battles (all of them). Yes I am still feisty enough to believe that life is a battlefield. Everyday you gear up and create a strategy. You watch your team mates (your side) and you watch more closely the enemy (those who do not favor your success or even those who are indifferent). But ultimately at least once a day you realized you have become bloodied by something and it is maturity and being wiser that informs how you respond.

Today's armor will be Tylenol, slightly dressing up to impress my opponents (I have it together is an image that can build relationships and intimidate if needed) and treats (food) for the meeting. If all else fails feed them. These are on my list. Now if I can just figure out what email I sent it to!

Thinking back on Monday....

Some Tuesdays feel like Monday. I am certain that this was Monday in disguise or perhaps I got off too easy on Monday, no I do not think so. Monday was filled with lots of work, emotional moments with family and the usually "is it really 5am already?". No this was Tuesday just felt like a repeat of Monday, new emotions and different work. But I know that Monday happened it was a hard day!

Monday after work my "grandgirlies" their mother and I planted a few new plants in honor of Ben, their dog. Ben had been in my daughter's life for ten years (she adopted him at 5-that is her just hours before he died with Ben in the photo). Ben died on Monday morning. It was a very sad thing even though she knew it would happen.

After a Friday visit to the emergency Vet care center it was clear that Ben was in great pain and had few options left at 14 years old. We all spent a wonderful weekend outside in beautiful spring weather and Ben was medicated well enough to seemingly enjoy the time. On Sunday night he showed his greatest pain when he no longer was willing or able to be on the bed to sleep with his family. He whined in the night.

On Monday morning I took the girls to school and Jackie took Ben to his favorite "Roger's Park" a dog park with wooded trails. He only made it to the entrance but still they shared the time on Monday morning alone in "their" place. She bought him treats (slim Jims) and a blue bandanna which was what he wore when he was adopted ten years prior. Shortly after she hugged him for the last time and said goodbye. When the girls came home after school it was a difficult time especially for the five year old.

Jackie believed it was important to help them say goodbye to the dog they loved. We shopped for plants to build a memorial. We ate ice cream and had several ice cream toasts (it was Ben's favorite...cookie dough) and planted the plants and a bush in the front yard. It was a sad day and appropriately so. It was also a day that I was reminded why my daughter is such a special human being.

Growing up and being 52

I was talking with a friend of mine earlier this evening. We both agreed that we had something in common: we have changed in our 50's, we love our husbands in ways that we never loved before and suddenly we both like to cook. Seriously cook. Not that I am a gourmet cook ( I am not) but on the weekends I find it wonderfully relaxing and comfortable to cook. I make all kinds of things pretending that the family will eat the left overs for the week. In reality I just love the cooking. I watch the Food Network and totally enjoy it. I am all about Rachel Ray with her 30 min meals (http://www.foodnetwork.com/30-minute-meals/index.html) and Bobby Flay with his show Throwdown.....(http://www.foodnetwork.com/throwdown-with-bobby-flay/index.html )

It is fun and I look forward to who he will challenge and how Rachel will get a meal done in 30 minutes.

The whole point of this is that I am changing. I once was all about how I looked, how the man in my life looked at me and what others thought of me. Now I find that I am about cooking...it is like nesting but I am not having a baby. I care about learning, reading and walking. I am about going to the gym not to look good but to feel good. I am changing and I so wish that I could have felt this way in my 20's and 30's. I am free from lots of things and basically happy with daily life. I think I like being 52 even with all the wrinkles.

Mom, Easter and Green Mold.

My mother lives with me and she is 82 years old. She has Alzheimer's Disease which is partially mitigated by drugs so that she still showers, dresses, pours her own coffee and tonight opened her own wine! She monitors the clock for wine time which is anywhere from 3pm on...generally she waits until 4pm but there are days....She is still good company although she asks the same question many times. She enjoys a short shopping trip, the great grand children and a good meal.

Unfortunately Mom cannot remember how to make her green mold Jello special side dish for Easter. We have spent some time tonight looking at recipes and to my knowledge while many are close to her dish none seem exactly correct. This Easter my sister thinks we should have the Jello mold so we will try a recipe that sounds close. It makes Mom happy to think she will provide the special mold (of course I will make) it is good that she does remember a few key ingredients.

Times like this, with all that is ahead for the week and little to no time for extra tasks that I find myself thinking: I will be Mom someday. I sure hope that someone will want something from me. I am not sure that I really have a signature dish. I suppose I could start one. Gives me something to ponder on Holy Week.

My Hubby and Home Depot and our Bike

I rarely write about other people here but I just could not resist. My husband is addicted to Home Depot, well it more accurately any "fix it" type place: Auto Zone, Pep Boys, EBay car and motorcycle parts, Ace Hardware and in a pinch he will try Walmart. Seriously he loves his projects, not necessarily the projects I want and love. The newest project is his 1987 Honda Goldwing motorcycle. Now this is a Bike...the kids call it the Old Man bike. It it pretty fancy, lights, chrome, Nana chair with arm rests for passenger. Anyway I digress.

This bike is his new project, currently in a thousand pieces in our garage. Parts for painting have been sent out to some person he found on Craig's List and the seat will have all new leather. There is a new windshield coming from E Bay and many things I am certain I have not been told about. Of course one look at our debit card and the trail is easy to follow. Although he does have that pay pal account which is a bit tricky.

I am jealous that he has such passion and that he can fix things. It seems to bring him such satisfaction. This winter rather than fly the family to Florida we bought a mini van and he overhauled the whole car...I almost like the car now. The interesting thing about his projects is that he relies on the Internet so each step is researched as he goes along. This accounts for many trips to his favorite stores. (I suspect he plans it this way) Have you ever noticed that a trip to Home Depot or auto zone can take up to two hours? Seriously what does he do in there? I absolutely hate going with him. There are not enough plants for me to look at in Home Depot and well auto zone is just deadly.

Well All I know is there better be some fun rides on the bike this year, maybe a trip across country!

Staying Positive

Today I will remain positive. I will seek ways to cherish the good things that are around me. I will adjust my attitude and when confronted with negativity I will move away and find the good. I will seek to encourage and support rather than take apart. Today I will be easier on myself and celebrate the successes in my world. I will be nice to others and whenever I am tempted to speak ill of someone I will revisit this mind set. There is good in everyone and every situation the measure of real leadership and friendship is how well you nurture that good. I will not succumb to failure mentality. Today will be a new start.

It is hard to come back from vacation. Even harder when the same silly things come at you and scream "why have you not fixed this?" The same self doubt tape begins where it was left off...really? Is this the best you got? But I know that my 80% is like others 110%. I know that my standards are high, my passion for excellence drives me. So it is time to take inventory of the good things, the foundation upon which more goodness can grow. Here we go!

Bookeelia Florida, children and mini van

Here we are! It is positively beautiful. I love this place, I love Pine Island. (this picture is my beach) We drove from Maine in our newly purchased, used and repaired (by hubby) minivan (which is said I would never own) and came with two grandchildren, one step child and hubby...oh and daughter who drove as far as DC (she has exam there and will fly in tomorrow). Sister and her husband arrive tonight. It is quiet this morning and looks like a good day ahead. We left Maine at 1pm on Wednesday and arrived in Florida a day ahead of schedule. Landing in Kisseemmee (two hours from Bookeelia) in a hotel in the heart of Disney for one night. Why? Because it was cheap and actually not horrible and slept five. Yesterday after lunch we arrived in our beloved Bookeelia. The house is as beautiful as ever. The wind was up and it was cool, but the pool was smartly designed and protected so the afternoon sun was hot enough to enjoy sitting and watching the girls brave the water.

So you ask how did you drive so far with all those people? I figure when you are driving with little ones you have very few shots at getting them back in the car. We drove (on shifts) through the night and tried as best as we could to sleep in between. It was actually not bad. And while I never say too much about hubby in my blog, protect his privacy, this time I have to say he amazes me. We bought this beat up (inside mostly, outside looked not bad) mini van and her rebuilt her, fixed her looks and we made it to Florida costing much less then tickets for all. I actually like the ease of the mini van.

So here I am the sun is coming up. My favorite time of day. The sky is filled with colors, the palm tree next door is blowing in the wind against a lightening sky. The sun will be up in minutes and the day will begin. I love this Island.

Me time...how do I use it?

Okay who does not struggle with these realities. Whose time is it anyway? I often find that my "me time" is last on my list. Good codependent that I am. I should be clear, in order to be honest, that it is not because I am a selfless person that I take care of others, I am worried about how they will react if I do not. Essentially it could even be considered selfish. Selfish because my actions are all focused on keeping peace and harmony for myself as well as others.

This past week I got lost in work, in relationship with my family and my blogging took a back seat. I blog for peace of mind. I put words to what I feel, I sort out what I feel and somehow it is like therapy for me. Often I am surprised at what actually happens when I begin to type. Some days it is effortless and others each word is like the last mile of a ten mile run, painful and necessary. I think those words are often the most important I write.

In my mania weeks, the last two, I accomplished a great deal. It is easy to see why people who have mania like the highs...so productive. I am a little bit of a manic depressive but so far less depressed than manic. Good thing. I figured out a while ago that if I let depression get me it is a long, long haul out. I know that to survive it is necessary to keep moving and keep being "productive". Of course productive can mean a walk on the beach, a visit to the gym, a good blogging session and always that my work (the work I get paid for) is in motion. Often too much motion. But it feels good to look back at the wake I can make. Sometimes scary but mostly good.

I will keep my good highs and hope that the lows are little ripples in my life that cause a sad Saturday or lonely Tuesday night. I guess mostly I plan to not judge my "me time" and if I spend it on others or work that is okay especially if it pleases me.

Over work...why do I do it?

So I am not sure what I am thinking when I get myself into these situations. I create work for myself. I could easily become a workaholic, I do not think I am...I like my free time and I get cranky when there is too much to do. But I am also capable of long spurts of working A LOT. I am not really sure why I do this, it is sort of like Saturday morning when I wake up with a list of fifty things I want to do. I makes my hubby nuts, he is either genuinely worried for me that I will not complete my list and be frustrated or, and I suspect more likely, he feels certain that it will include infringing on his plans for the day. I generally do not get to my whole list.

Here is what an early Saturday morning list might be:

• gym
• grocery shopping (always got to do that for family...a lot of shopping)
• taking Mom out for coffee or something
• spending time with hubby doing the second hand store run (got to visit a few for that special deal we might need)
• wanting to walk the dogs at the beach (Dead Duck is our local spot on Great Bay...bad name I know)
• bathing dog (she can always use a bath)
• cooking for family...big meals on weekends...generally three or four to supply for week as well
• clean the house...it always needs cleaning but on Saturdays it is the Big clean
• one project like cleaning out the awful hall closet
• oh and did I mention I might try to read some work emails and clean out my over loaded in box?

Wow looking at that list makes me tired! No wonder I never get much rest on the weekends. Okay so I need to figure out how to slow down. At fifty two years old there needs to be more me time. More quiet time. Hmmm....I guess looking at it all and just reflecting at 4am is a good thing.

MONDAY...ugh

Okay so Friday was so great and Monday is sooo ugh. I am not tired. I slept well. I just do not feel the love of a day. I feel the oppression of Monday. I feel the anxiety of many more days of work. I feel the pressure of BIG projects ahead this week. Will I never learn? I cannot seem to help myself. My creative mind moves at a 100 miles per hour. It is just that my doer side would like to travel at say 60?

Not much one can say about this Monday. The Saints won...that is a sweet victory for a team that surely deserves it and a city that needed it. Sarah P. says she might run for President, oh wow we never saw that one coming! The economy is in the tank and my oil needs to be refilled...sweet mercies this life can be a ride.

Monday's suck. No question they are just not fun. Here is what I found out about Monday.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monday

and House is on Monday Nights! that is a good thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er5uuCYi7q4

So here we go! Monday.

What is a day without "issues"?

I want to know how many people actually have days, entire days without "issues"? Now by issue I mean something more than a splinter, more along the lines of family dysfunction (someone not speaking to someone else) or a car breaks down, maybe not being able to pay insurance on time or grandma has threatened to move out again but there is no where to go and no money to go with. I swear my family is just a ticking bomb.

You really should spend a day in our life. In my home, now be careful...do not label me crazy...we have my mother with Alzheimer's disease, a 28 year old man with disabilities for whom we provide care, my 16 year old step son (currently on suspension from school) and my 32 year old daughter with her two children waiting to complete her last semester of law school and move to her job on the west coast, my husband and myself. I commute to a crazy place in the Western part of Maine (follow the work and the money) and spend at least three nights a week away from everyone...might sound good but kind of stinks really. Imagine a dinner in my home. Imagine that food costs us over 350 each week closer to 400. My mother needs at least a half a bottle of wine each night (more like 3/4) which either makes her happy or really mean. The boys, the one on suspension and the larger (much larger one with disabilities) both eat a lot---like boxes of cereal, soda might as well not exist after two days, and peanut butter...I should have stock. Oh and did I mention two dogs and three cats. I have begun to hate cats just because of the liter box. That is terrible. I do love my cats, I just hate cat liter.

But what most makes me curious is how we deal, how I am supposed to deal with the daily "issues" that arise. My mother needs cataract surgery, we are trying to make our one vacation a year happen (don't even ask how) and well the teen on suspension spent his day on the Internet during his in school suspension. What is wrong with that picture? My husband had his first softball meeting which made him happy...why not he gets to be away from much of the summer but then I cannot complain b/c I get to work away from home. Bank of America still calls about my father's credit card balance after he has been dead for more than a month and had the freaking insurance to cover any outstanding balance and my dog (my sweet little Corgi) has a respiratory infection ($250 dollars later). It is nuts and being away makes it harder. In all honesty the life of a traveling worker is sucky...it is lonely at night and you feel so out of the loop. Hmmmm maybe I want more control of the "issues". Is it me? Or does the rest of the world have better boundaries? I am not sure but today I am done. Work is a bear right now and I need to rest. PS did go to gym (see other blog) and that is one sane thing. .........

Guess I will assume issues are normal and watch an episode of Bones on my computer.

Oh no Grinding my teeth. What will be left?

So not only do I wake up at 2am with a million thoughts worthy of my full attention but only half drifting in and out of my conscious mind...I am ruining my teeth. Seriously these puppies are going to fall out of my head. With the cost of dental work these days and the sorry reality of dental insurance (what do they really pay at all?) I cannot afford to destroy my teeth. To date I have broken several back teeth and lost a crown and a major filling. The worst part of this all is that right now we, my husband and I, are paying for his teeth to be fixed so I have to stop. He has a huge project going on and that is all the money we have. I am looking at somewhere around $3500 worth of work and his is over $10,000. Now what is wrong with that picture????

If people who make a good living, have a home and good jobs and dental insurance cannot afford the high cost of dental work what the heck is happening to others? There are hundreds of articles about the cost of dental insurance and care, the reality is that people then end up in Emergency Rooms which are not equipped to handle teeth. But where else can people go?

I figure the grinding of my teeth is a sign of stress so I have to figure out how to reduce that in my life. Hmmmm any suggestions? I could quit my job but that would add financial distress, I could sell my house but I would hate a small apartment, I could disown my whole family but I would miss them terribly. I will ponder this more and let you know. For now I am going to keep working out and look for a good mouth guard. Like that will work!

Somedays are just hard

Today was a hard day, not work wise thank goodness but in my heart. I have been heavy with worry for my family. Why does worry make my body feel weak and my arms heavy? Why does worry make me wish I could sleep but all I am able to do is lie in the dark wishing for rest? Why does worry move into my mind and leave me restless with all things done and undone?

I have loved my children well . I have not however, the mother I would have liked to have been. I would have chosen to be an independent, strong and courageous woman. I would like to have been fine with being alone. My own need for a partner diluted my time with them, my attention to their daily needs. I would take back those young days and hold each one with the care and love it so deserved ignoring my own loneliness. But alas that is not how life unfolded.

I loved them, went to every game, every school event. I shared my heart with them beyond all else. But as a single mom I struggled to work more than one job, make ends meet and find time for a Friday night out. I longed for what I thought other people had: the lovely couples sitting at my daughter's basketball game or the parent's of my son's friend all playing flash light tag. I knew something was missing for them and for me. But still I am haunted when they struggle now---could I, should I have done more? What if I had been enough for me and would that have made me enough for them.

Today is a hard day and I am sad by the love I feel because it cannot change the course of life for either of them. My lovely girl will struggle to raise her children and have her legal career...so bright and strong. My son will battle his demons of lost childhood and lost relationships all the while searching for his passion. I will worry for them both. Today more than usual. Heavy with the fear and the knowing. Some days are hard.

Martin Luther King Day

Martin Luther King Day...a good day for us all.

One of my favorite quotes in these days of political fighting and scare resources.

“Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” MLK

I was a child when MLK lost his life, I remember the days of JFK, RFK and MLK. It seemed the killing would never stop. It seemed that my parents and their friends gathered in our country home around the small television with horror too often. I wondered why these men were killed and if my parents would be okay. It was only later in life that I really began to understand the significance of their lives.

I read a few great quotes from MLK today. He had so many inspirational speeches and words to offer a tired and scared nation. He was brave not because he was a warrior but because his belief was so strong that he did not fear evil. Here are some great quotes I found: http://www.mlkonline.net/quotes.html

I think that Bing had a great page of pictures and videos, all nicely on one page.

http://www.bing.com/search?publ=9CB2341B-44BC-4F6A-A997-4E94B131874C&FORM=MVIBRT&crea=TEXT_MVIBRT_core_VibrantCS_News2_1x1&adlt=strict&vm=clickthrough&ck=1263817853728&crea=TXT_MVIBRT_CORE_ComScoreTest_3plusclick_1x1&q=Martin%20Luther%20King%20Jr

So today I will take with me a bit of him everywhere I go, I could only hope to keep it all year. Thanks MLK!

Loving Grandchildren

What a gift. Grandchildren are remarkable. I know that my grandchildren came just at the right time when I was finally done my internship on my two lovely children. I know well the things I do not want to repeat with these babies. I know that every moment, each day I have is a gift. The beauty of grandchildren is that they are not your full time responsibility and spoiling is an option. The hardest part of grandchildren is that you know how quickly it goes by and how much goes by without you.

I think about the first time I saw my girls. Each one was beautiful and charming. I think of all the silly things they do and how much they have already grown up. Now they tell me about their day, share they joys and their worries. The four year old does more reporting of other's wrong doing and the five year old plans for her next day, constantly! Breakfast is a routine of very specific foods, there is little room for variation and most meals are in a theme of pasta and soup and salty good stuff. Tub time includes a ritual quiet candle time, just allowing them to float in the warm water with only a candle. And night time brings obligatory story time and just one more show.

Loving my grandchildren has the most joyous feeling, the one that begins in my heart and spreads warmly into all of me. It is a symphony of experiences soft and loud, heavy and light, slow and fast which I am allowed to conduct.

Sleep, sleeping...not Sleeping!

This week began with some crazy sleep nights. Tossing from 2am and getting up just after 4am. Next night waking at midnight finally sleeping sometime after 3am. Not only do I hate when this happens. I fear that it will go on for days. I have gone through times where this will last for over a week. It is not pretty. The good news is that I slept last night. This morning the alarm went off, I did my usual two snoozes and the world was all well. I will confess: Tylenol pm!

What makes me not sleep? Why are there times when the brain will simply override my desire to slumber. How many people experience that night time conversation? The multiple personalities, the swirling thoughts, the ideas that visit and vanish with the next blink. What is that called that night time drama. It plays out in a million voices and tones.

To quiet myself I start my chanting, trying to repeat something that requires enough focus to shut down the noise. I generally use something like the doxology or lately I have spelled a word over and over again. Tuesday I slowly spelled and visualized each letter of the word Ribbon. It did not help.

The folks from the drug company that makes Rozerem has some tips for us: http://www.rozerem.com/en/about_sleep/healthy_sleep_tips/

I especially like that the bed if for sleep and intimacy only!

I found this interesting research paper http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1690

I liked this line the best:

" the longest a human has remained awake was eleven days rats that are continually deprived of sleep die within two to five weeks, generally due to their severely weakened immune system (10),(11), (12)."

Clearly I need to sleep more! good heavens is rat can die within two weeks I better keep my Tylenol pm going and risk liver malfunction.

After a bit of research I was unable to find why those voices talk to me so much when I cannot sleep. Why do I jump from my children,to work, to the Rotary, to my dog, to my house, to a paper I wrote ten years ago,to my husband, to what I will cook for dinner, to my bills, back to my children, oh and there is my mother. Seriously I need to do more research...how to stop my brain. I will leave with one last place that was somewhat helpful and was not one of the million drug company sites http://helpguide.org/life/insomnia_treatment.htm.

Here is to a good night sleep!

So a Birthday

Today was Dad's birthday and my parent's anniversary. Of course since Dad passed away on December 21st it was really neither. I felt badly for my mother. I am not sure that she really figured out or remembered that today was January 5th.... still I felt badly for her.

She was alone today and I am grateful that my daughter was able to spend a bit of time with her. It is not nice getting older, I feel horrible for my mother most days. I also selfishly think: is that me? How will I act at 82 years old? How will I feel? How will my children feel? I am not really happy with my answers.

Getting older sucks. I would like no more birthdays. Is that possible? Happy Birthday Dad. I hope that you are now celebrating a whole new day. Mom I am with you. I am sorry you are feeling alone. Birthdays...they are not so much fun after forty!