Somedays are just hard

Today was a hard day, not work wise thank goodness but in my heart. I have been heavy with worry for my family. Why does worry make my body feel weak and my arms heavy? Why does worry make me wish I could sleep but all I am able to do is lie in the dark wishing for rest? Why does worry move into my mind and leave me restless with all things done and undone?

I have loved my children well . I have not however, the mother I would have liked to have been. I would have chosen to be an independent, strong and courageous woman. I would like to have been fine with being alone. My own need for a partner diluted my time with them, my attention to their daily needs. I would take back those young days and hold each one with the care and love it so deserved ignoring my own loneliness. But alas that is not how life unfolded.

I loved them, went to every game, every school event. I shared my heart with them beyond all else. But as a single mom I struggled to work more than one job, make ends meet and find time for a Friday night out. I longed for what I thought other people had: the lovely couples sitting at my daughter's basketball game or the parent's of my son's friend all playing flash light tag. I knew something was missing for them and for me. But still I am haunted when they struggle now---could I, should I have done more? What if I had been enough for me and would that have made me enough for them.

Today is a hard day and I am sad by the love I feel because it cannot change the course of life for either of them. My lovely girl will struggle to raise her children and have her legal career...so bright and strong. My son will battle his demons of lost childhood and lost relationships all the while searching for his passion. I will worry for them both. Today more than usual. Heavy with the fear and the knowing. Some days are hard.