Mind Tapes...Obsessing...Hope!

I believe that everyone experiences some degree of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), for me it is the tapes that replay in my mind particularly at 3am. That worry tape that has a lot in common with Chicken Little. I had a friend once who told me that when I am worried I bring everything, EVERYTHING into the worry. I do! So I began to think about ways out of my obsessing.

The clock says 1:30am....here I am with my thoughts. A million negative and frightening thoughts: bills, the basement leaks, are the floors rotting, the lawn is a mess, the grandchildren need more attention, my son, my daughter, does my husband feel loved? what will I do about folks at the office who seem "stuck" in drama.

I stop and think about a dear friend Dr. Hamilton. He runs an organization called HOPE. How cool. He always talks about intention and looking for possibilities rather than fear. He talks about our guilty and fearful past. He also has often reminded me that fear is about something that has not happened, it is in the future...how to gain control over this moment and sleep? Stop the tapes, stop the worry. I make a list of the worries and try again to rest. When that fails I read, reading unlike surfing the net or watching tv takes a good deal of focus for me. I try to create the image of my most desired life...what does a perfect day look like. I bring up every moment, the smells, the air, the sunshine...all of it.

Some nights are better than others. Some days I can turn the tape off and others I can manage to only reduce the volume. But when I find a positive image, when I focus on good things in my life and rest in my faith I am able to hit the Mute button. Never easy but certainly better than not sleeping.

This is Dr Hamilton's site. I love this man he shares space at our complex in Maine. When he comes for a visit you are never the same, half an hour with him is a blessing. Good people indeed. http://www.hopehealing.org/Home.asp

Having Fun just is not the same..Better?

Why at 52 years old do I not try to have more fun? Or do I have fun in ways that I never considered in the past. No I am not spending hundreds on clothing (that can be occasionally fun if you can do it without guilt), no not traveling to my island..but when I think of it I do have fun.

Now fun is playing in the back yard on a sunny day with the grandchildren and my totally nuts Corgi. I marvel at her jumps and my heart is full watching them sprint from one corner of the yard to the other.

This weekend we played the alphabet game (for each letter we needed to find something in the yard that began with that letter). We lined all our findings up in row carefully using rocks to hold down the "hay for H" that was flying away. It was a two hour game and we made it to X before an afternoon shower. This was, in my opinion a good thing as I had no idea what to do with X. But on the way up the steps to the kitchen door little five year old said: "Nana right there an X now we can look for Y" I looked over and leaning against the house was a piece of lattice with yes "x"in its design. Fun!

Following the call of Family

There are times in life when my heart just finds its beat. I don't always like the beat it finds but I know it is right as surely as my next breath. Personally I believe that it is my faith and that God is certainly at the center of these findings.

Here are a few examples. My mother lives with me, she has for a few years. When I made the decision on a ride home from visiting her in her lonely apartment it came to me: Mom has to move in. I knew she would not be able to stay alone and that her next move would be to a nursing home. I had watched my father's journey into the nursing home and did not want that for my mother, not yet. But the weird thing was that for months I had contemplated this, spoken with my husband about it and yet it was as if I was knocked on the head on that ride through North Hampton back to Maine. She moved in and lives with me now. It has not been easy but then raising me was never easy. Living with me now is not easy. There have been some really rough patches but in the end it was the right thing to do and in my heart I know that I have followed the call. The moments I have with her when she peels carrots next to me or shares a view on the front porch or when the grandchildren run to her room to wake her up each morning, that is when I feel right in my heart.

My daughter and her children are another example. Most recently they have lived with us while she finishes her last year of law school. They have been in and out of our house for years. We vacationed with them this year, it was glorious. The children, my daughter Bob and I spent a week in Florida with my sister and her husband at our beloved Pine Island. As we drove home, somewhere in North Carolina during the horrible rain storm I looked at Bob and said we cannot desert this family, ever. He looked back and said "I know". Committing to this family, the grandchildren and my daughter, will not always be easy just as living together for the last year has not always been simple. But in that moment at 2am while they slept in the back of the van it was clear: we are in this with them: Bob, me, mom and the rest of our family. It felt good.

Family is the most important part of life. I believe that God is love and he gives us family so that we might know love intimately. It is such a gift and when family calls it is as if, in my world, God is calling. So I follow.

Memory...

What has happened to me in midlife? I cannot remember as well as I once did. I keep lists and email myself information in the middle of the night. I have my email on speed dial on my cell phone. My lists are longer and sometimes I forget to cross things off, good heavens then I have to revisit the list several times. I always prided myself on my ability to multi-task and now I wonder why would anyone want to do so many things all at once? Ha I can simply take things one at a time on my list.

I might be smarter than ever before. I am certain that my overloaded brain is wiser. I am more selective about my investments (not money but time) and my battles (all of them). Yes I am still feisty enough to believe that life is a battlefield. Everyday you gear up and create a strategy. You watch your team mates (your side) and you watch more closely the enemy (those who do not favor your success or even those who are indifferent). But ultimately at least once a day you realized you have become bloodied by something and it is maturity and being wiser that informs how you respond.

Today's armor will be Tylenol, slightly dressing up to impress my opponents (I have it together is an image that can build relationships and intimidate if needed) and treats (food) for the meeting. If all else fails feed them. These are on my list. Now if I can just figure out what email I sent it to!

Thinking back on Monday....

Some Tuesdays feel like Monday. I am certain that this was Monday in disguise or perhaps I got off too easy on Monday, no I do not think so. Monday was filled with lots of work, emotional moments with family and the usually "is it really 5am already?". No this was Tuesday just felt like a repeat of Monday, new emotions and different work. But I know that Monday happened it was a hard day!

Monday after work my "grandgirlies" their mother and I planted a few new plants in honor of Ben, their dog. Ben had been in my daughter's life for ten years (she adopted him at 5-that is her just hours before he died with Ben in the photo). Ben died on Monday morning. It was a very sad thing even though she knew it would happen.

After a Friday visit to the emergency Vet care center it was clear that Ben was in great pain and had few options left at 14 years old. We all spent a wonderful weekend outside in beautiful spring weather and Ben was medicated well enough to seemingly enjoy the time. On Sunday night he showed his greatest pain when he no longer was willing or able to be on the bed to sleep with his family. He whined in the night.

On Monday morning I took the girls to school and Jackie took Ben to his favorite "Roger's Park" a dog park with wooded trails. He only made it to the entrance but still they shared the time on Monday morning alone in "their" place. She bought him treats (slim Jims) and a blue bandanna which was what he wore when he was adopted ten years prior. Shortly after she hugged him for the last time and said goodbye. When the girls came home after school it was a difficult time especially for the five year old.

Jackie believed it was important to help them say goodbye to the dog they loved. We shopped for plants to build a memorial. We ate ice cream and had several ice cream toasts (it was Ben's favorite...cookie dough) and planted the plants and a bush in the front yard. It was a sad day and appropriately so. It was also a day that I was reminded why my daughter is such a special human being.