Holidays...something fills the air.

So despite my efforts to let this holiday just pass, usually I love Thanksgiving but this one feels off without my hubby. It also feels off for some reason I am not able to articulate. Over the past month I have been pulled to be or do something that I cannot identify. It is a weird feeling, I think it is midlife? I just know that each day feels important and I am fully aware that currently I let them slip by with being busy. Not a good busy but an uncertain and unmotivated busy. It must be done type of busy. I love the work I do, I love the challenge but I am not feeling a "good" in my heart.

I often wake up at three or four in the morning and remain in bed, I recently have tried to connect with a higher power. To lay quietly and ask the universe what is it I am meant to hear. I feel it, it is just around the corner. I feel the pull at my emotional corners everyday, a small voice calling but I am unclear of the words.

Perhaps this is brought on my a sense of mortality. As I care for my mother with Alzheimer's Disease I am fully aware that is most likely my future. My father and all his siblings died of the disease. It is not pretty. How much time do I really have? What is most important? The moments with Mom, the grand children moving quickly to young ladies.

Familiar conflicts for me, I suspect a very common female reality...the financial and emotional need to work versus the family and my need to nurture. So I lay here this Thanksgiving morning grateful for a warm bed, a quiet house, a cute corgi dog and a family to love. I will try to ditch worry today and move through the hours as slowly as possible.