I often wonder why we could not start out lives with the wisdom age brings. Wouldn't our twenties have been far easier equipped with the knowledge we now own?
Relationships were a huge mystery for me. (still are many days) Now being honest it was not that they were not plentiful - I was blessed (or was it cursed) with looks that attracted a fair amount of men. How I handled these men spoke volumes about my own insecurities, fears and self deception. What I actually wanted from them or perhaps needed from them never matched reality. Why is that you ask? I suspect, call me crazy, that it was because I did not know what I wanted. Of course I am certain they must have felt the same especially when they were discarded for failing me!?
Now firmly in midlife I have the knowledge of all those relationships, I can recall with clarity the whole of these affairs, these lovely people who came and went. I see it all and know that ultimately what I sought did not exist in any person (no matter how beautifully put together). I wanted to feel love, deep internal love, personal love, love capable of forgiveness and an unlimited capacity for hope. I was seeking my own love. I was seeking faith. But oh what a crazy road I took.
There are those moments today in my current marriage that the old fears creep in, I look to my husband for something that he can never offer. He does not own my happiness anymore than he owns my heart. I absolutely love him! I am most certain of that love when I move through a day warmer for his touch, happier for his silliness and annoyed with his latest purchase on ebay. Yes that is when my world is in balance. Of course this quiet and cozy joy does not happen all the time nor do I move from my fearful state over night, or in a day. Most often it happens after a period a sadness, self reflection and after the wonderful women in my life, the small circle I call friends, remind me who I am.
Posts
I've always said..Hire a teenager while they still know it all. I think that goes for the early twenties too. Yes, I can still remember that far back....most days anyway! When we finish school and head out into the "Real World" we have grand ideas and expectations of not only our own capablilities and expectations but also about how we will be welcomed and percieved by our peers. Reality sometimes comes like a slap in the face. It's really scary! We not only are faced with an "adult" job but also with making "adult" decisions both at work as well as in our personal life. Going from being a student/teenager to becoming an adult is a hard job; it's a lot of work. Relationships aren't like they used to be. Teenage romances are replaced with real-life relationships. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Our pre-conceived idea of the perfect tall-dark-and-handsome man, at least mine, went by the wayside when I found out that even though he may have been tall-dark-and-handsome he was way less than perfect. That was a very bitter pill to swallow. I had to sit back. re-group and say now what! I dated quite a few before I found the man who would be my husband of 42 years. Were those 42 years happy? Most of the time they were wonderful. We had some peaks and valleys....some higher or deeper than we might expected them to be. Did I ever reach the point of saying this is just way too hard and way too much work? You bet! Did I give up? No, but I thought about it more than once. Yes, I'm very glad that I didn't give up and that I/we worked through the hard times and I'll always cherish the 42 years of memories I carry in my heart.
ReplyDeleteFor me, now that I have a few years in my rear-view mirror, I look at relationships this way. Friendship, trust, caring, respect, compassion, honesty, and a sense of humor (there has to be laughter because we shouldn't take life too seriously) are what is really important to me. Gone forever are the days of judging a book by it's cover. The outside cover is just the shell that contains the real person. Yes, I admit that I'm attracted to someones eyes but I'm equally attracted to their intelligence as well. I've also discovered that I'm more comfortable with myself than I used to be. I'm my own friend; I like me. I like and am comfortable with who I've become over the years. If that special someone comes into my life then I will be truly blessed....not to mention very happy! If that isn't meant to be, well I'll spend my years with me...someone I am comfortable being with.
The older I get the more I truly believe that beliving in something....anything....is the key to trying to achieve a degree of inner peace and can be instrumental in de-stressing. No day should spent without laughing, really laughing at least once....even if it's at ourselves. Life is meant to be lived to it's fullest. I'm more willing to take chances than I used to be. I try not to be the "Nervous Nellie" who worries about every little thing.... Sit back and enjoy the ride......we could be surprised where it will end up. I now try to live life this way: "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Savor all lifes ups and downs. It made us who we were, it's who we are, and it will shape who we will be.
Very cool Ms. PB. I like the comments and could not agree more!
ReplyDeleteI have to really think about the men-relationships thing before I comment fully on that. I will say I have a great husband and leave it at that right now. But I have learned about pain, and concluded many years ago, that God doesn't do things to us, He gets us through it. I am wondering how much you ladies want to know about me and my life and feelings, but I want to tell you this story and hope it's ok. 15 years ago in February my grandfather passed away. Our family was on our way home from the "viewing" at the funeral home. My dad and mom left, and I was driving my car behind them. Dad pulled over at the local NAPA auto parts for something, and I drove by. I suddenly decided I should stop at the grocery store to pick up food for folks that were coming to my house. Upon driving out of the parking lot, my dad and mom drove by. I pulled in behind them, and we all headed on our way. The roads weren't good, we were all creeping along. We drove up over a big hill and were heading down when suddenly a car heading south hit my dads car head on, and spun towards me. I watched my dad being ejected from the drivers side, my life passed before my eyes, and the car that hit him just missed mine by inches as I spun into the snowbank. I'm sorry if this is hard to read, but I have a point to make about all of this. My father died, mom went to the hospital, and my husband finally got to me and took me home. A good friend came in and said to me, Why did God do this to you?" I said, "God didn't do this to me, but God will help me through it." And that is how I get through the painful times in my life. Just a sidebar to that story. I also believe in fate, and that God's plan was for me to be behind dads' car, or this story would have turned out much differently. We are all here for a reason, and we all have our time. Time to live and do the right things and then that time when it is done. I apologize for the topic of my story. I guess I am thinking of dad as February gets closer, and what I came to learn about life and fate. And about why I stay grounded (more or less) and jump out of bed each morning grateful to just be here!
ReplyDeleteYou three put me to shame with your writing - excellent and insightful. Not sure I have the ability to communicate thoughts without a bulleted list :) Nancy
ReplyDelete--Men are just like women -- flawed, hopeful, wanting to be loved, disatisfied.
ReplyDelete--Romantic love is nature's way of perpetuating the species, which is all nature cares about. I find comfort in that -- biology, evolution -- it's so black and white.
--I believe fulfillment in any arena comes when we accept things as they are. It doesn't mean we can't strive to set a direction, but when we fight what is, we fight a losing battle.
--Men are great. They are easy to manipulate, especially if you're an attractive female. It's all relative. I can charm the hell out of the 60+ crowd!
--Nothing wrong with bulleted lists!
Laurie, not Ailie
Oh my goodness what a selection. Nancy it is okay to bullet...life can be in list form...perhaps it always is.
ReplyDeleteLaurie that is wonderful...glad you have a handle on the 60 plus crowd. I am happily not charming anyone these days and that is really a good thing for me. But if I had to bullet the stuff of men and relationships:
-schedule sex, make time for it...when it is right for you
-hug them often ...they have nice big arms that feel really good
-remember we have what they want
-always!
-love them for that
-oh and do not beat yourself up for knowing that...and don't over think any of it!
Kathy B...WOW I am so amazed by that honest story. I just spoke to my step son about the death of his cousin two days ago from an over dose. (the cousins was 23 and Gabe had just seen him over the holidays) I was talking to him about grief, he has never lost anyone. I said ---you know the strange part of grief is that it comes and goes, you are struck out of the blue and then you recover...after my daughter's death (shortly after birth) I recall the first day that I realized it was night fall and I had not cried. I told him that is how our faith, our heart and our belief gets us through it. The gift is that the moments of extreme pain become shorter and those of warm memory and joy to have known the one we have lost longer and brighter. For me that is the hand of God, but then for me God is love so it is Love that pulls us through. Thank you for sharing such a moving story.
ReplyDeleteHey Laurie! Guess I am the competition in the over 60 crowd :) My guy is 62 - best compliments come from his long term friends. Thanks for the bullets, will try to write something tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteYou folks are great - Deb, this could be great.
Kathy - meant to say this earlier, cannot imagine what you went through.
Deb, your bullet list is right on! If only my 24 year old daughter could understand all of that now. Especially the "over-thinking" about men part! She'll learn, like we all have.
ReplyDeleteKathy, thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. Deb, is this the nephew you said you were concerned about before? I am so sorry! I really liked how you explained it to Gabe. When Jerry was so sick we said that although we didn't like the path the Lord chose for us we both knew that he was with us every step of the way. Having faith and feeling His love, along with some really good meds, made it easier to get through the rough times and helped me deal with his loss. Laurie, I love how you look at life. Deb, you are right....we shouldn't over think things. I think most women are guilty of this.....especially when dealing with men. I'm so glad that you started this blog! It's great. Oh, by the way. Bullets are one of my favorite things.....that's really sad isn't it!
ReplyDeleteWow, you ladies run deep! Thank-you Deb for including me in this experience...I feel honored and priveledged to be allowed insight into everyones triumphs and tragedies. I realize that I have kept myself secluded in many ways. I have had friendships in my life, but it was always a struggle for that person to get in, to gain access into my true self. Was it easier not to let anyone in, to keep them hanging around the outside waiting for an invitation in? Was it self-preservation? A way to not get hurt by too many people? I believe it was protection from myself. By that I mean I had few people to compare myself to, to feel inferior to, to worry about living up to their expectations of me...
ReplyDeleteSad that I was held hostage for so long by my own insecurities.
Thank-you everyone for sharing your personal and touching life experiences. Thank-you for inspiring me to be brave enough to share mine.
How wonderful to have you here Stacy!!! I love your spirit and your insights and your ability to "keep on keepin' on" through all you have to deal with. I love ya!
ReplyDeleteYes we have a great group of ladies here...Not all of those we work with were invited. I felt that there were a few who would actually enjoy the idea and by golly here you are! I see those of us here as seekers...maybe not even certain what we seek but seekers none the less.
ReplyDelete