The small numbers lit on my clock tell me it is 2:09...I know it is morning --I just woke from sleep. I can not be certain how long I have actually been awake because I seem to have been floating in and out of sleep for awhile, I am familiar with the process and fear begins to build, is this the end of my night's sleep. I look back to my numbers: 2:45.
During these awakenings my thoughts are never clearly one thing. I have been told that they are driven by anxiety that could stem from one thing. This single point of anxiety then becomes generalized. Now my brain must run through the long list of life fears and worries. The checkbook, fatty foods I have been eating, why are my arms shaking when I wave, the budget at work, the state budget cuts, the employee I must "supervise", the unpainted corner of our living room (been that way for some time n0w) and my grandchildren.
Get the picture?
I begin my peace words: let it go, rest your legs, your arms, let it go.....sometimes I pray for peacefulness. I pray for strength and acceptance that I cannot do it all. Then I remind myself over and over (between worries) that I can wake up with an appropriate amount of peace or maybe it is denial to move through the next day.
What I have learned over the years is that if this state of being awake and worrying goes past an hour I get up. I read, I start my day to assert purpose and take charge. Some days I am more successful than others with the day. However mostly I am aware that I ask much of myself.
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Maybe it's okay that our personal finances are not perfect, that we eat fatty food sometimes, that we are not the young, lithe girls we once were, that the world is in disarray, that our houses are less than optimal, that the people we love are vulnerable. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI find that if I resist what already is, I increase my pain or anxiety. If I accept the situation for what it is and don't wish it were otherwise (which is what worrying is -- wishing things were otherwise), I free up energy to find a way to effect change. Then I can make a plan and move forward. The plan always seems to be a combination of three things: to accept conditions as they are; to cause conditions to change through my actions; and/or to walk away from the situation.
ReplyDeleteI was awake at 2:05 a.m. this morning. That happens more often than I would like, although I am not a heavy sleeper so I try to come to a resolution for at least one or two of the things that I ponder over and over in the wee hours. My problem is, that by the time I awake for the day and get involved in the day to day stuff, (I have no plan for the day, by the way)I can't seem to remember what I resolved at 2 a.m. So that could be why I wake up at 2 a.m. every morning to re-ponder all the things that go on and on in my little world. Perhaps we should have a conference call and solve all the problems of the world at 2 a.m. and then roll over and go back to sleep.
ReplyDeleteThat is so interesting. Laurie you have wonderful ways of looking at the world and I do try and learn from you. I personally like walking away but that also has become a problem for me. Acceptance is more often what I strive for (strive being the operative word). Kathy I too find it difficult at times to remember what I decided to do in the middle of the night. Perhaps we do re-ponder the same things...too bad they were not fun things to relive during the wee hours!
ReplyDeleteDeb, as you know I too often wake at some strange hour of the night and/or morning. The way I get back to sleep, if it’s at all possible, is to do a relaxation exercise. I try to free my mind of all that is worrisome and concentrate on putting myself in a place of calm. If I’m successful (usually takes a little time and a lot of talking to myself) then I focus on my toes and concentrate only getting them to relax. If successful I can feel the tenseness leave and I then work my way to my feet and getting them to relax as well. I then work my way to my ankles, shins, etc. I’ve been told that I’m probably a good candidate for hypnosis as I’m usually asleep before I reach my knees.
ReplyDeleteKathy, count me in on that conference call! I too tend to find solutions for whatever is amiss at some odd hour of the night/early morning. I'm so glad to read that I'm not the only one who, upon awakening for the day, cannot remember what wonderful solutions I found to solve that which has gone awry. I have noticed that finding solutions, even those that I am unable to remember, does in some warped way give me a little piece of mind the next day. The way I reason it is like this… I’m old and I know that I can be forgetful but at some point I know that I will eventually remember what it was that was so important that I didn’t want to forget. Unfortunately, I do admit that it sometimes happens at a time when knowing the answer does me no good as by that time I’ve forgotten what the problem was in the first place. A conference call might just be the answer I’ve been looking for!
So, out of the four woman posting, at least three of them have the same issue with some level of insomnia - count me in so make that at least four out of five.
ReplyDeleteSince I tend to be a private person I find myself in the trap of thinking my problems are unique.
Had a good friend set me straight this year on a much larger issue and now realize that internalizing on an "island" makes serious issues exponentially worse. My issue was not unique, I just thought it was.
I fought her advice but one day I suddenly realized she was right. She gave me a much needed new perspective - it is amazing how much there is still to learn out there.
So, how many other folks do we interact with daily who have issues ranging from lack of sleep to deep personal challenges? Hell, I had both this past year… with two serious instances of the later.
I set myself a goal this year to do a better job identifying the difference between someone having a bad day, week, or month and tolerating such VERSUS the serious stuff: like on-going work performance issues or truly substantiating I cannot trust someone close to me.
Realize this means knocking down a few layers of my self imposed wall of protection – the toughest part. Hope I am taking the right approach. Feeling I need to give a LITTLE more (baby steps) of myself to have folks open up and let me know what’s going in their world but keeping it appropriate - making sure professional and personal balance in relationship
PS – the insomnia… isn’t that why we have Nick at Night? :)
I hear all of that Nancy. I live in fear --always-- that someone will see the mask I wear like Elinor Rigby in the Beatles song. I also worry that if they do see my facade it gives them the opportunity to take advantage.
ReplyDeleteI could spend pages trying to give justification for my mistrust of all things in my world. Suffice it to say for a life time of reasons I mistrust. I have only started this year to really work on this part of me. I am certain that most actions by others have hidden motives and that if I just understand what that motivation is I will be able to control my world.
The professional part of all of this lends an additional component and I hear your struggle with that. My drive professionally has always been the glue in my world. What I do know for certain is that sharing helps. You are not alone and I trust neither am I. What we do with this knowledge will be the most interesting part of 2009 and beyond.
It is interesting to try to catch a thought as it forms -- where is its beginning? Where does it go? Is it something real? Sometimes we can create a little space between our thoughts and ourselves. When we do that, our thoughts have less power over us and we have a little more control over our minds.
ReplyDeleteAmong friends, it is okay to lower the masks we wear out in the public world. I have been wearing my mask about 40 or so years now. I'm 52 now. So that makes me an old soul, which is okay. It's who I am. We all wear a mask. We want to do our best, or appear that we seem to know that we KNOW what we are doing. I can't say that I fear that someone will discover my mask, as I have made a fool of myself many times over. I learned to either laugh at myself, or bow out red-faced and humiliated at whatever blunder I may have made as my mask slips down my face, but I instinctively pull that mask right back over my face when I step out into the world and get on with my life. it goes on, life. I strive to let go of the fear of any judgmental or pretentious attitude I may encounter when I step out into the world with my mask held tight. Sometimes, on a good day, I even step out my door with my arms wide open and myself intact, and I look back and see my mask, set upon the dresser, just in case I need it tomorrow.......
ReplyDeleteDown deep I believe that all people have good intentions, perhaps misguided, but still good deep inside.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have been proven wrong (I think) and have needed to put on the mask Kathy describes. Love the fact she can leave it on the dresser. Anyway, it is not comfortable for me. And, many times I've neede to use it.
Dunno.... so tricky to maintain outer facade sometimes. But, wonder if perhaps I did not do my best to break down the walls. Perhaps the walls are too thick because of their experiences with other people.
Even with a tough year in this area I’m forcing myself to believe (with effort) that we do need to take off our masks for good. Could be great, could be bad. Perhaps someone else with good intentions might take off their mask… Just part of my opinion for 2009 – check with me again in a few months – could be way off :) Hope not.
I woke up at 1:11 this morning trying to organize in my head all the things I need to do at work today, and what I can perhaps do at home this weekend. I hope I remember all that I think I prioritized. "They" say that we all use so little of our brains, and I am wondering how to access a little more of mine!
ReplyDeleteThe masks we wear mask ourselves from ourselves. If we can tap into the sense that we are all one entity, we can relinquish the fear that we have to hide who we are. I like to look at other people and know that is me in another manifestation. I see a beautiful woman drive by in a convertible (in the summer -- this is Maine!) and I think "there I am, young and beautiful and feeling the wind in my hair." Of course, I have to also think, when I see it, "There I am, old and mishapen and really kind of repulsive." And all the shapes and forms in between. It really creates a sense of unity in me and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
ReplyDeleteI recommend "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte something. I have a copy if someone wants to borrow it (I want it back because I'm going to use some of it in my next DSP training). She was/is a neuroscientist who had a stroke at age 37. 8 years of recovery. Because of her professional background she was able to observe and ultimately record what was happening. She talks a lot about accessing the right brain more -- that is where nirvana -- a deep sense of peace, unity, timelessness, living in the moment -- all that good stuff -- abides. The left brain is great for getting things done, but using the right brain as well is very spiritually satisfying. She also writes about how her mother helped her heal -- very soulful stuff. The book jacket photo brought tears to my eyes -- Jill and her mother are embracing and it looks so nuturing.
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