Learning to be me again!

Okay so for all those who feel compelled to live for everyone else I have a news flash (really for myself). It does not work, it is not healthy and it is really not selflessness, it is some kind of weird need based in fear. I realize that I have lived in a certain amount of fear my whole life. I recently found this amazing rental in a beautiful place in sunny southern California and I love it. However more frequently than I would like to admit I worry about having to move. Fear, doubt, glass half full all very familiar to me. So I think I have spent much of my life living in fear and caring for everyone else. Unwilling to hurt others but hurting myself and in the end all of us. But for a period of time this "co-dependent weirdness" allowed me to attach to something real or not. I think anyway.

Here is the last two and a half years in a snap shot. I moved to the west coast to be with my daughter and her two little girls, my adorable grandchildren. I wanted to help her make the transition to a big law firm job and give them support. I love them all dearly and am very close to the grandchildren as they lived close or with me on and off for years. I got lost in the mix of living with them, with my mother and not finding space and time for me. No time to read, to write, to walk with my dog or to be Debbie. I told myself I was making a sacrifice, well no I was feeding my own need to care for and be loved. I was not giving the best of me...the best of me comes out when I am purposefully living my days, letting go of guilt and anger. I lost a few years being lost. Not exactly clear I know but that is how I feel. I love them all so much but felt like I did not give them what I love most about me. I am a free spirit with lots of quirks and a significant lack of discipline. I adore animals, nature, reading, and great live theater. I have some catching up to do.

I have a new amazing home with just my Mom (still need someone right?). This is the view from my window each morning. When the fear that the owner will sell and I will have to leave sneaks in I am saying "hello fear" and move on to enjoy the view. Today it is raining and still it smells sweet and looks great. In putting these words here I am back to a small piece of my own process for life. I am working on gratitude and happiness. This old lady has some new tricks to learn.