Last night I felt my Dad was calling me...woke up and he was emotionally in the room with me. My Dad is well into end stages of Alzheimer's...several times we have been called by the nursing home with fear that he maybe giving up...he has not. The last time I saw him I looked into his eyes for a very long time and told him how much I missed him. Though I did not mean to cry I could not fight my tears. He held my hand (which he often does but then he did something unusual, he rubbed my forearm as if to comfort). I know that when you love someone with this disease you grasp at straws...look for that small spark in the eye or that smile that says...Yeah I know you, I love you, I forgive that you leave me here in this place...But really they do not often come. Just when I think he is responding he responds the same way to his CNA.
I woke up last night and missed him, felt him with me in a strange way. I usually do not go every weekend (selfishly it is so painful and the time it takes feels not only wasted often but like punishment) I know that is not the way I would like to think of myself...I should be the daughter with endless love (as he had for me) who spends her free time at his side but ten years later it seems alot to be with him a few times a month. I know if he could speak, he would tell me to use my time for his great grandchildren and his grandchildren. He would remind me that he knows how much love we share and that together or apart nothing changes that. He would tell me that he spends his time in a new space now that does not require conversation. Still I look for him to offer something and I hide from the truth that he cannot and never will again. But something calls and I am not sure what. I think I will visit tomorrow and find out.
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Yes, go visit. And, he did rub your forearm, so take that. Maybe he rubbed the CNA's arm because he senses a familiarity with her. Whatever it was, it was an act of comfort. Stop beating yourself up because your dad is there. Cry when you need to cry and feel your emotions when you are with him. And if he could speak, he would tell you he loves you and he knows that you love him, and to just live your life. It's okay....
ReplyDeleteKathy you are so special. I love you thoughts and words. It is hard to keep so honest and real. I appreciate you very much.
ReplyDeleteTonight, my mom called, with sorrow in her voice and a heavy heart. A close friend of hers (life long) from MA died today. While my Dad was in the hospital a different friend passed. Her life has changed so much over the past year. Dad slowly getting weaker, and losing so many close friends has been hard on her. I forget all the strong fretful memories and try to be supportive.
ReplyDeleteI have seen my Dad change so much over the last years; it’s hard to change the role. And harder to keep up with the life around us and leave their care behind. Take the moments as Kathy has suggested, cherish them as you interpret them, strong connections.
Remember that our spirits travel in many forms, send your love by way of gentle thoughts and cherished memories. Your Dad will feel those just as you felt his presence so strongly.
Remind of this when I face those feeling soon.
I surely will remind you Ms Diffins and you are so correct. Dad was particularly cute this weekend. He as pretty cheerful, made a lot of eye contact. I know that he is in there somewhere, all that life knowledge blocked by small vessels in the brain. I hope that somehow he is able to access something that gives him peace. It was good to see him!
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