So this morning I watched Valerie in her latest Nutri commercial about how she lost forty pounds and how great she is doing. Do you know what I immediately thought " yeah honey just wait it will come back" then I slapped myself (well not really) But honestly why could I not just feel happy for her! I did have this other thought...last night I spent the night in South Paris alone...I was able to accomplish so much...I cleaned (places I would never usually clean:corners, door knobs, ect) I shopped and resupplied the kitchen (the grand babies are coming today for a few days with their Nanny) and I finished reading the documents on goal attainment. I have decided it is much easier to take care of yourself when you are alone! I bet Valerie gets alone time!
So what do you do when that is a rare event (luckily since it would be lonely otherwise).
I want to learn to be alone, or find time alone despite the competing needs of those around me. Who among us does not know the way our name being called grinds the last nerve. The poor soul who dares to simply call me from across the room or the house when I have hit the limit of giving for a day. I want to scream...I know that my 'what" response has the tone of "WHAT NOW".
So her I am looking at lovely Valerie, every one's American girl, in her white dress who has made herself a priority. I wonder if the over weight woman, I weigh more than I should, look at her and say "Oh this is great...all I have to do is pay for food to be delivered and get a personal trainer". I do not feel any relationship with her. I feel relationship to the women out in the world who are raising children or grandchildren, taking care of their elderly parent(s), supporting a relative in recovery from something, working one or two jobs to make the mortgage and trying to find a moment at the end of the day to read a few pages of a good book or watch HGTV.
Seriously this thing called life and family and work is a real kick. Hard work indeed. And for me, a codependent who reads into everyone Else's actions, words and looks it is an exhausting proposition. Add in over achieving and a healthy sense of guilt for all that I ever did wrong or the million things that I have yet to do and I live in the eye of the storm. But I do not think I am alone....in fact I know I am not. And I knowing that makes all the difference. Knowing that people live my story, that women I respect and look up to also struggle with these issues makes me feel not so lonely. I actually am convinced that is the power of most 12 step programs...a fellowship of people all working together to be whole and live with eyes open and clear.
So here I am smiling because I have this little Blog to lay it all out and reflect. Come to think of it this is my time alone! How cool is that. One step at a time. One day, forgive the relapse ...mine is that I have stopped taking care of Debbie...so today I am here anew ready for a 24 hour chip. I can do this thing. I am going to find 20 min right now to exercise and enjoy some quiet time tonite before bed with my soul reading. Here's to day one!
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How do we just make the time for us, our priorities, just happen? Even if it is 20 minutes at the end of the day to read a book; making yourself stop from busy work days to have a normal lunch break; to have 30 minutes to enjoy a walk or a bike ride…the things that just never make it to the top of the list! I many times ask myself the same question… where the time for me ever went in my life? Such as this very rainy day, when I realized I couldn't go kayaking I thought it would be the perfect day to read and knit. Well, I ended up doing some crazy cleaning-emptying closets, vacuuming every nook and cranny, mopping, organizing, etc., etc.. I cleaned all day long. Even during this ½ hour I attempt to get ready for the week ahead…stop for kids needing a snack, Sean needs a haircut, making dog an appointment, etc. Today during my cleaning I found lots of books that await my reading of them; knitting projects that haven’t been touched in months…in fact, at this point, it will probably take me a bit to get back into the swing of knitting. Yet, I never took even 10 minutes to stop cleaning to just enjoy what I wanted to do today!
ReplyDeleteIt is that very guilt you talk about, Deb, that can take away the time for us. Living my own life with issues with codependency as well, the need to get and have everything in life be right; putting everyone else’s needs above my own…it is the sheer guilt in needing to succeed in areas or guilt for not succeeding in others that can take us to places we probably shouldn’t be at times.
I hear all of your words...I smiled as I read b/c yesterday I came home and cleaned out the upstairs "girls" room, as well as the guys room (where Gabe and Matt will need to share although Gabe is gone for summer and Matt plans to be out by fall--room was by the way a PIT) and then made sure that the promised space for Bob's music studio was completed...b/c that was important to him. I looked at my computer a few times, I looked at my pile of books too. I think it is like a treadmill and once you are on it the fear is that anything less than constant motion will result in being thrown off the back end.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have begun to think about is what do I get from this? What makes me do this..I am not a totally selfless human being so why do I engage? What need is being fed by my actions? that is what I wonder.
I think for today it is enough to know that I am not alone, there are so many who live the same and perhaps the awareness is STEP ONE.