Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Starting the Eulogy....


The siblings (4) have decided that we will share the Eulogy...I, as the youngest will start. I have written and re-written my part a million times. We decided that we would each speak for two minutes...well now that was a trick too...it is hard to say much in that amount of time. To speak about a life time. I decided that his greatest attribute was that he gave of himself to his family...all of himself. It actually is better spoken than read but I am posting it here to keep it safe and somehow ease the difficulty of speaking it tomorrow. I pray I do not crack...if I start it will not stop.
Dad...
Today we say goodbye to a man who gave his life, every bit of it, to his family.

It has been a very long farewell -- over the past years we have come to know a very different man from the one we will recall today: a man with no words, no ability to tell stories and in the end not even to raise his own glass.

Today we will remember a man with a huge capacity to love--who gave endlessly. Still it is has been hugely important to know you both. To look into those beautiful blue eyes these past few years and feel honored to give back some small measure of all you gave to me.

Just over ten years ago you were given last rites after a massive stroke.(Dad loved this story) But a miracle occurred and you came back. I am certain out of love. Love for a woman and your family. That night on the 3rd floor in Portsmouth Hospital as you reached out from the depth of your comma to touch Mom’s face it was so clear.

There was nothing, nothing that you would not do for love.

Did you know what lay ahead? The hard work of recovering from a stroke and years of fighting the horrible affects of Alzheimer’s? Would you have come back? ------ Yes there is no doubt. I think you knew that we were not ready to say good bye.

And so as you had done your whole life, you set aside your needs and met ours.

Jackie reminded me the other day of the book “The Giving Tree”…that story is your story. For those of you who do not know this book…a tree loves a boy, gives all she has to the boy…her branches for climbing and fun, her apples for the boy to sell as a young man, the branches to build a home, the trunk for a boat in his mid life crisis and her stump for the boy to rest late in life.

You Dad were that tree…giving to each of us in countless ways over the whole of your 84 years. You provided roots; the dependable son, husband, father and grand-father…the man who would drive miles for a concert, a game, to an art showing or for an ice cream. You provided branches…a beautiful farm house filled with animals and adventure, ski retreats and a lakeside paradise.

You built your home within our hearts so that it was never far and in the end you gave us a room to come, to visit and rest beside you.

You lived your love. You loved your life. You loved us.

How great a gift we all received.

Your defeat of death that day some 11 years ago was not your final gift. It was your slow, quiet and prepared death that gave us time to be here today ready to say goodbye. Thank you! I Love you.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Father...Fly well


On Monday morning December 21 my father passed away. He was in a nursing home, had been for years due to his advanced Alzheimer's disease. We received the call at 8:45 that he was struggling to breath, we had asked that we be notified if his condition changed so that he would not die alone. Despite our efforts he died with a care giver from the nursing home as we drove down I-95.

After the call we continued to the nursing home. We sat--my mother, sister, brother in law, son in law and daughter with Dad. It seemed right to remain after his death. We waited until the funeral home came to take him away. It was the last time I would sit with him in that familiar room, look at his pictures of family on the wall and listen to the hum of his air mattress. My sister arrived a few minutes before me and being the nurse (the one who had spent many of her early evenings in the past few years feeding him) she dutifully and lovingly cleaned him up and cut his nose hairs. It made my mother pleased.

As we waited one by his head, one at his feet, others moving about he remained the center of our focus. His warmth began to leave, as too I am certain did his soul. But we waited in that room, we talked, we cried and laughed (a little). Visits with Dad over the past years had become a source of connection for us all. Over the past months the great grand children had visited. They are four and five. Dad would watch as they closed his curtains in his semi private room and built a "fort". Sometimes he smiled and it was nice to see how they became less and less uncomfortable with this old man. He was, to them, great grandpa who lived in the nursing home. I think those visits entertained him, they made me feel good.

Today I awake and wonder where is he now? I miss him, I will miss that our patriarch is gone. Life goes on. Dad was a pilot I am certain he is flying well.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Holiday Parties


Last night was the holiday party. It was a hoot. The venue was pretty sad, a local club that smelled kind of stale and had weird lighting. But what was great were that over 100 folks came out in the cold to share food, drinks and some dancing. I enjoyed the event, not totally enjoying this morning as I never drink hard alcohol and since they did not serve wine (told you already about the venue) and some years ago I became allergic (seriously) to beer I up and ordered Absolute. At 51 years old I am fully aware that vodka, in even small amounts, is not my friend. So today I am just a tiny bit tired, look older than my age and my head hurts.

I started to think of all the holiday parties in my lifetime, the good ones and the bad. I have to say that as a whole they are a commitment. That led me to wonder if all people feel this way. I will start to ask people about their "work" holiday parties. Do a mini survey on the topic, do you like it? Look forward? Is it an obligation or an event? What might the results be?

Ah well right now this old foolish lady needs to shower and try to conceal last night's Absolute. But hey it is already Thursday!


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Running Late, Holiday Party and Budget Cuts


Okay so I have spent the morning cruising blogs and I am running late for Rotary. I had to check in because I have established this discipline, or should say I am trying to establish the discipline. It has been a blue few days.

Tonight at TPC is our Holiday work party and we have over 100 folks coming. That is a good thing. I love to see everyone and just be able to enjoy an evening. Unlike other work events I am not expected to do a thing, no speeches, no big presentation. It is a good time for me to be with the folks that matter.

The economy and looming budget cuts have us all sitting on the edge of our seats. Maine, I am certain is like other states cutting every area of their budget. Supporting people with Developmental Disabilities always leaves you vulnerable to these cuts.

I am glad the party is tonight. I am proud of the work we do as an agency and the people who work for me. I am fortunate. I am clearly doing my own little self assurance here, keep stating that all is well and it will be, even for the pessimist. Right?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday, lovely lovely day


What is great about Fridays? Often they represent pay day. For many, like me, the end of the work week. We spend a life time in school being conditioned to love Fridays. Eating out or ordering in is a great Friday treat. There is a whole restaurant chain called Fridays.

I love this day, the excitement that I get to go home and be with my family. I can stay up late and not worry about the 5:30 alarm and three snoozes. Truth be told I still fall asleep by ten because I will allow myself the extra drink tonight. Hey that is life on the edge. I will sleep until, hmmm maybe 7:30-Glorious!

It is the knowing that makes Friday great. I know that I can anticipate a day of my own choice without guilt. I can anticipate Patriots football and plan all day tomorrow the menu for Patriots football. I can spend a quiet hour in a beautiful place of worship on Sunday (at the 10:30 service ...remember got to sleep in!) I will possibly get my hair cut or my nails done or walk the beach at Dead Duck (Don't ask just is the name of our little beach). There are always a million more ideas and plans than ever get executed. That is the gift and greatness of Friday: a hundred possible things to do and I will choose them all!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tuesday Behind the Big Desk


Yes today is Tuesday and it is the second day back from vacation. I spent yesterday reviewing budgets, department outcomes and attending (part day) one division's staff retreat to regroup, find honest communication and their voice. Oh and did I mention a Rotary board meeting last night? No I am not on the board just a member but enjoy finding out what is going on and ....well truthfully I am in need of a make up meeting.

So after a week off, taking care of grand babies (my two baby girls now 5 and 4) I re-entered the other world of Deb. This Deb has pondered the reasons for many things but mostly sits with knowledge that she would rather not share. Leading an organization has some great perks, you get to set the pace, make decisions and have the final word. You enjoy a better pay, not much better but better. You feel important and hmmmm....I am running short!

The truth is very few decisions are truly yours. No good or bad deed will go unnoticed and the complaints will be upon your doorstep within minutes, sometimes before you even publicly make the decision (does someone read my mind and facebook my stuff?) The pace you set is never the pace you really want, trust me on this one. NO one goes at the pace I set....well maybe that is not true when I kick back (and at times leadership becomes too much and I find myself trying to do minimal things like clean up the web site or revisit mailing lists) it does seem that people slow down, relax and try to keep an eye on me.

Now feeling important, that is cool. I can and I may walk into a room full of those folks who work for me and command attention. I can get my name into the local paper once in a while for some new and cool thing I am a part of or I can just sit in my big office (which I gladly share as a conference room) and say wow how important am I? Just about then a dissatisfied customer calls me and I realize that my importance is high, the expediter, fixer of the problem that my decisions caused. I never went to school for this: who teaches complaint protocol 101?

Tuesday...today I will begin to fix, readjust and reassess. Today I make some decisions. I wonder if they already know?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Oh My Lord...patience is all I pray for! (Well and secretly money)


So off to church today for my second week...oh boy we are off and running! I have had a long break from my faith pursuit. I have returned to my roots and the church of my childhood. But that aside the morning and all it took to get to church is my focus now.

The day started when grand baby Sky could not find her slippers. Not a happy morning person, not at all a morning person. After crawling in with Nana and "Bobob" at some ridiculous early hour she awoke to find them missing. The search and subsequent discovery of said slippers was a traumatic thirty minutes. The girls (both grand babies) and their mother decided to spend an hour in the woods with our two dogs...their dog (big black lab) and my dog (welsh corgi)...both dogs decided to roll in foreign animal pooh...very smelly, sticky and disgusting. Baths for dogs.

Mother, with Alzheimer's was moving from bathroom to bathroom totally thrown off by the dogs, misplaced her coffee four times, forgot where her curling iron was and asked at least ten times what time church started.

There were other moments not worthy of mention, the call from son to tell me a dozen reasons why he was not able to make it to boot hockey with Bobob. My step son's decision to wake up five minutes before he is to leave for his church (he prefers the local assembly of God) and expect access to the bathroom . Oh and did I mention that it snowed last night, first of the year so that all the cars were covered?

So we rush off to church with the snow covering the squirt part of my windshield wipers and the bright sun creating a visual nightmare. Get to church to only find that I did not fully understand the rules of church school for the girls. (that happens between the two services) so they are in church with Mom (who forgets where we are going) and me, Nana. I am not sure who was harder to control during church: the girls who found the small little "benches" which are really for knelling to be wonderful toys but when they tip make a very loud noise or great grandma. One of the bench events happened in the middle of the second Gospel reading. My mother moved her "little bench" all over the place, forgot where she was heading as we walked up for communion and the five year old had to say, loudly, "No Great Grammy this pew" as they wondered around the church two people ahead of me because the youngest grand baby freaked when the Priest tried to bless her. The sermon was good, I am pretty sure.

After communion I knelt down and prayed for patience---that was all....just patience. I am home now. I am waiting for the patience: patiently!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Oh No Saturday...the work day


For all of us who work Saturday is the "home work" day. Doesn't it make you crazy that every Saturday morning the chores are piled up and the house is screaming for someone to care. I think my curtains are asking for Merry Maids! I sit on the couch and look at the wood floor, the one I really love and under every chair the dust is piled...these are not cute dust bunnies these are horrible creatures filled with disease and uckies.

So the day begins....cleaning goes on for at least the morning. Then off to fight the other stressed humans at Market Basket (the best deal around for groceries) and bump carts with folks who all seem to have the same look as that horrible guy "the bounty hunter". We are all exhausted, all frustrated, all wishing we were somewhere else. (That is my theory anyway- I like to generalize)!!!

I get to top off my Saturday with a visit to Dad, sometimes wonderful and often very sad. (Nursing homes by their very nature just suck). Of course looking forward to this day off, this week is even more bizarre as I was on vacation all week so here I am on the second to last day. Now that makes it even worse. But somehow it is still Saturday, no alarm, choice of duties and timing of duties and well a visit with Dad.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Being in Everyone's Head!


I use the word codependency loosely but it is how I view myself, after 51 years of life I am pretty clear my diagnosis is correct. I live in every one's head, I think I understand what they are feeling, I react to that feeling and I feel all kinds of "stuff" based on that feeling. How about that for an explanation? No Wikepedia but you get the picture.

All my life I have felt blessed to be able to "read the room" very quickly. I meet someone and make quick judgments, then (this is where it gets good) I react to the person based on those "readings" and generally I give them what they want. Sounds easy, but live a lifetime of this and it is exhausting. I have only begun to understand the full power of this in my life now as I struggle to meet more needs, divergent needs than is possible. I have decided that I could, if I could sit still long enough, write a book about this lifestyle. I think I would title it "Codependents cannot train Dogs". See the empathy factor of a good codependent makes it impossible to be the Alpha Dog. That is my theory anyway.

So for today I accept this is who I am and will try harder to forgive folks in my life for my unrealistic expectations. I will also try to remember that I give to give not to get back.