Growing up and being 52

I was talking with a friend of mine earlier this evening. We both agreed that we had something in common: we have changed in our 50's, we love our husbands in ways that we never loved before and suddenly we both like to cook. Seriously cook. Not that I am a gourmet cook ( I am not) but on the weekends I find it wonderfully relaxing and comfortable to cook. I make all kinds of things pretending that the family will eat the left overs for the week. In reality I just love the cooking. I watch the Food Network and totally enjoy it. I am all about Rachel Ray with her 30 min meals (http://www.foodnetwork.com/30-minute-meals/index.html) and Bobby Flay with his show Throwdown.....(http://www.foodnetwork.com/throwdown-with-bobby-flay/index.html )

It is fun and I look forward to who he will challenge and how Rachel will get a meal done in 30 minutes.

The whole point of this is that I am changing. I once was all about how I looked, how the man in my life looked at me and what others thought of me. Now I find that I am about cooking...it is like nesting but I am not having a baby. I care about learning, reading and walking. I am about going to the gym not to look good but to feel good. I am changing and I so wish that I could have felt this way in my 20's and 30's. I am free from lots of things and basically happy with daily life. I think I like being 52 even with all the wrinkles.

Mom, Easter and Green Mold.

My mother lives with me and she is 82 years old. She has Alzheimer's Disease which is partially mitigated by drugs so that she still showers, dresses, pours her own coffee and tonight opened her own wine! She monitors the clock for wine time which is anywhere from 3pm on...generally she waits until 4pm but there are days....She is still good company although she asks the same question many times. She enjoys a short shopping trip, the great grand children and a good meal.

Unfortunately Mom cannot remember how to make her green mold Jello special side dish for Easter. We have spent some time tonight looking at recipes and to my knowledge while many are close to her dish none seem exactly correct. This Easter my sister thinks we should have the Jello mold so we will try a recipe that sounds close. It makes Mom happy to think she will provide the special mold (of course I will make) it is good that she does remember a few key ingredients.

Times like this, with all that is ahead for the week and little to no time for extra tasks that I find myself thinking: I will be Mom someday. I sure hope that someone will want something from me. I am not sure that I really have a signature dish. I suppose I could start one. Gives me something to ponder on Holy Week.

My Hubby and Home Depot and our Bike

I rarely write about other people here but I just could not resist. My husband is addicted to Home Depot, well it more accurately any "fix it" type place: Auto Zone, Pep Boys, EBay car and motorcycle parts, Ace Hardware and in a pinch he will try Walmart. Seriously he loves his projects, not necessarily the projects I want and love. The newest project is his 1987 Honda Goldwing motorcycle. Now this is a Bike...the kids call it the Old Man bike. It it pretty fancy, lights, chrome, Nana chair with arm rests for passenger. Anyway I digress.

This bike is his new project, currently in a thousand pieces in our garage. Parts for painting have been sent out to some person he found on Craig's List and the seat will have all new leather. There is a new windshield coming from E Bay and many things I am certain I have not been told about. Of course one look at our debit card and the trail is easy to follow. Although he does have that pay pal account which is a bit tricky.

I am jealous that he has such passion and that he can fix things. It seems to bring him such satisfaction. This winter rather than fly the family to Florida we bought a mini van and he overhauled the whole car...I almost like the car now. The interesting thing about his projects is that he relies on the Internet so each step is researched as he goes along. This accounts for many trips to his favorite stores. (I suspect he plans it this way) Have you ever noticed that a trip to Home Depot or auto zone can take up to two hours? Seriously what does he do in there? I absolutely hate going with him. There are not enough plants for me to look at in Home Depot and well auto zone is just deadly.

Well All I know is there better be some fun rides on the bike this year, maybe a trip across country!

Staying Positive

Today I will remain positive. I will seek ways to cherish the good things that are around me. I will adjust my attitude and when confronted with negativity I will move away and find the good. I will seek to encourage and support rather than take apart. Today I will be easier on myself and celebrate the successes in my world. I will be nice to others and whenever I am tempted to speak ill of someone I will revisit this mind set. There is good in everyone and every situation the measure of real leadership and friendship is how well you nurture that good. I will not succumb to failure mentality. Today will be a new start.

It is hard to come back from vacation. Even harder when the same silly things come at you and scream "why have you not fixed this?" The same self doubt tape begins where it was left off...really? Is this the best you got? But I know that my 80% is like others 110%. I know that my standards are high, my passion for excellence drives me. So it is time to take inventory of the good things, the foundation upon which more goodness can grow. Here we go!

Bookeelia Florida, children and mini van

Here we are! It is positively beautiful. I love this place, I love Pine Island. (this picture is my beach) We drove from Maine in our newly purchased, used and repaired (by hubby) minivan (which is said I would never own) and came with two grandchildren, one step child and hubby...oh and daughter who drove as far as DC (she has exam there and will fly in tomorrow). Sister and her husband arrive tonight. It is quiet this morning and looks like a good day ahead. We left Maine at 1pm on Wednesday and arrived in Florida a day ahead of schedule. Landing in Kisseemmee (two hours from Bookeelia) in a hotel in the heart of Disney for one night. Why? Because it was cheap and actually not horrible and slept five. Yesterday after lunch we arrived in our beloved Bookeelia. The house is as beautiful as ever. The wind was up and it was cool, but the pool was smartly designed and protected so the afternoon sun was hot enough to enjoy sitting and watching the girls brave the water.

So you ask how did you drive so far with all those people? I figure when you are driving with little ones you have very few shots at getting them back in the car. We drove (on shifts) through the night and tried as best as we could to sleep in between. It was actually not bad. And while I never say too much about hubby in my blog, protect his privacy, this time I have to say he amazes me. We bought this beat up (inside mostly, outside looked not bad) mini van and her rebuilt her, fixed her looks and we made it to Florida costing much less then tickets for all. I actually like the ease of the mini van.

So here I am the sun is coming up. My favorite time of day. The sky is filled with colors, the palm tree next door is blowing in the wind against a lightening sky. The sun will be up in minutes and the day will begin. I love this Island.

Me time...how do I use it?

Okay who does not struggle with these realities. Whose time is it anyway? I often find that my "me time" is last on my list. Good codependent that I am. I should be clear, in order to be honest, that it is not because I am a selfless person that I take care of others, I am worried about how they will react if I do not. Essentially it could even be considered selfish. Selfish because my actions are all focused on keeping peace and harmony for myself as well as others.

This past week I got lost in work, in relationship with my family and my blogging took a back seat. I blog for peace of mind. I put words to what I feel, I sort out what I feel and somehow it is like therapy for me. Often I am surprised at what actually happens when I begin to type. Some days it is effortless and others each word is like the last mile of a ten mile run, painful and necessary. I think those words are often the most important I write.

In my mania weeks, the last two, I accomplished a great deal. It is easy to see why people who have mania like the highs...so productive. I am a little bit of a manic depressive but so far less depressed than manic. Good thing. I figured out a while ago that if I let depression get me it is a long, long haul out. I know that to survive it is necessary to keep moving and keep being "productive". Of course productive can mean a walk on the beach, a visit to the gym, a good blogging session and always that my work (the work I get paid for) is in motion. Often too much motion. But it feels good to look back at the wake I can make. Sometimes scary but mostly good.

I will keep my good highs and hope that the lows are little ripples in my life that cause a sad Saturday or lonely Tuesday night. I guess mostly I plan to not judge my "me time" and if I spend it on others or work that is okay especially if it pleases me.

Over work...why do I do it?

So I am not sure what I am thinking when I get myself into these situations. I create work for myself. I could easily become a workaholic, I do not think I am...I like my free time and I get cranky when there is too much to do. But I am also capable of long spurts of working A LOT. I am not really sure why I do this, it is sort of like Saturday morning when I wake up with a list of fifty things I want to do. I makes my hubby nuts, he is either genuinely worried for me that I will not complete my list and be frustrated or, and I suspect more likely, he feels certain that it will include infringing on his plans for the day. I generally do not get to my whole list.

Here is what an early Saturday morning list might be:

• gym
• grocery shopping (always got to do that for family...a lot of shopping)
• taking Mom out for coffee or something
• spending time with hubby doing the second hand store run (got to visit a few for that special deal we might need)
• wanting to walk the dogs at the beach (Dead Duck is our local spot on Great Bay...bad name I know)
• bathing dog (she can always use a bath)
• cooking for family...big meals on weekends...generally three or four to supply for week as well
• clean the house...it always needs cleaning but on Saturdays it is the Big clean
• one project like cleaning out the awful hall closet
• oh and did I mention I might try to read some work emails and clean out my over loaded in box?

Wow looking at that list makes me tired! No wonder I never get much rest on the weekends. Okay so I need to figure out how to slow down. At fifty two years old there needs to be more me time. More quiet time. Hmmm....I guess looking at it all and just reflecting at 4am is a good thing.

MONDAY...ugh

Okay so Friday was so great and Monday is sooo ugh. I am not tired. I slept well. I just do not feel the love of a day. I feel the oppression of Monday. I feel the anxiety of many more days of work. I feel the pressure of BIG projects ahead this week. Will I never learn? I cannot seem to help myself. My creative mind moves at a 100 miles per hour. It is just that my doer side would like to travel at say 60?

Not much one can say about this Monday. The Saints won...that is a sweet victory for a team that surely deserves it and a city that needed it. Sarah P. says she might run for President, oh wow we never saw that one coming! The economy is in the tank and my oil needs to be refilled...sweet mercies this life can be a ride.

Monday's suck. No question they are just not fun. Here is what I found out about Monday.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monday

and House is on Monday Nights! that is a good thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er5uuCYi7q4

So here we go! Monday.

What is a day without "issues"?

I want to know how many people actually have days, entire days without "issues"? Now by issue I mean something more than a splinter, more along the lines of family dysfunction (someone not speaking to someone else) or a car breaks down, maybe not being able to pay insurance on time or grandma has threatened to move out again but there is no where to go and no money to go with. I swear my family is just a ticking bomb.

You really should spend a day in our life. In my home, now be careful...do not label me crazy...we have my mother with Alzheimer's disease, a 28 year old man with disabilities for whom we provide care, my 16 year old step son (currently on suspension from school) and my 32 year old daughter with her two children waiting to complete her last semester of law school and move to her job on the west coast, my husband and myself. I commute to a crazy place in the Western part of Maine (follow the work and the money) and spend at least three nights a week away from everyone...might sound good but kind of stinks really. Imagine a dinner in my home. Imagine that food costs us over 350 each week closer to 400. My mother needs at least a half a bottle of wine each night (more like 3/4) which either makes her happy or really mean. The boys, the one on suspension and the larger (much larger one with disabilities) both eat a lot---like boxes of cereal, soda might as well not exist after two days, and peanut butter...I should have stock. Oh and did I mention two dogs and three cats. I have begun to hate cats just because of the liter box. That is terrible. I do love my cats, I just hate cat liter.

But what most makes me curious is how we deal, how I am supposed to deal with the daily "issues" that arise. My mother needs cataract surgery, we are trying to make our one vacation a year happen (don't even ask how) and well the teen on suspension spent his day on the Internet during his in school suspension. What is wrong with that picture? My husband had his first softball meeting which made him happy...why not he gets to be away from much of the summer but then I cannot complain b/c I get to work away from home. Bank of America still calls about my father's credit card balance after he has been dead for more than a month and had the freaking insurance to cover any outstanding balance and my dog (my sweet little Corgi) has a respiratory infection ($250 dollars later). It is nuts and being away makes it harder. In all honesty the life of a traveling worker is sucky...it is lonely at night and you feel so out of the loop. Hmmmm maybe I want more control of the "issues". Is it me? Or does the rest of the world have better boundaries? I am not sure but today I am done. Work is a bear right now and I need to rest. PS did go to gym (see other blog) and that is one sane thing. .........

Guess I will assume issues are normal and watch an episode of Bones on my computer.