What is up with the "Downs"?

So just when life is chugging along and you think you have some little amount of control...the downs hit again. What is up with that? Yesterday we had a set back on the home front, revisiting the darkness of addiction and watching someone you love struggle is so hard. Even hard for a person who feels like a life time of watching, hoping, praying and crying is enough. But then it is never enough...so why?

I said to Bob that he will never fully appreciate my side, it is hard for people who are in recovery to ever fully appreciate the side kick's role. The co-dependent wife, mother, friend ....blah blah blah. You wish so hard in your heart to gain control, to make the person right and yet you cannot...you want so to believe that even as the lies are spoken to you, even as you know them to be lies, you try to find some small piece of possibility to hold on to. It is an illusion, you know it is and slowly it kills you, sucks the life out of you and you realize that the only thing you control is yourself. I am not there today.

I am sad and worried. I carry the weight and burden of addiction for a loved one and it makes all of me hurt, I know it is wrong I am aware it does no good but here I am. So I will try to walk through the day, I will visit old friends and try to engage and not resent that my day is not what I had hoped for...a long series of those in a life time should give me some starting point.

And yes I will travel the pathways of my life, journey to days gone by and wonder what I was thinking then...how much damage did my own brokenness cause. I will visit those regrets like old fussy sweaters that you try own, feel a degree of comfort while knowing it is hopelessly outdated and smelly. Still I will sit with it for a while.

I pray. I have not other place to be.

Oh No lost all my stuff computer crash

I feel horrible..and on this new lap top having issues with typing. I lost my beloved HP laptop! I am not sure what happened. Hard Drive corrupt--those were the words and now I am with new lap top...not happy and all my "stuff" is gone. I have no ones email, no files that were saved and most of all my out look is lost with all my mail folders. UCK. I am having a second opinion on the hard drive as we speak. I just know that some computer whiz out there can find my stuff. It is amazing how much we come to depend on these things. So here it is friends...if you do not hear from me please email as likely I have lost your email with my out look address book. I am sick and will have to ponder recovery. Hope this finds all your computer hard drives in one piece.

I wanna be in Bookelia

Tonight I wish I was in Bookelia on Pine Island, just sitting on the beach with the sun on my face and the girls looking for shells. I am amazed when I look at the pictures that I did not take more. I really would love to be a better photographer. So much of life passes and I barely have a picture to document the passing. But in the dark of my room I am thinking of the smells sounds of the beach. I looked at pictures of the vacation with Lulu (one of my granddaughters) earlier today and she got all emotional looking at them. She wants to live in Bookelia...why not all we do all day is play. Each morning I got up at 7 (late for me) briefly checked my email and the headlines for the day then went to sit on the beach. She would join me and immediately want to look for shells or little baby jelly fish. Sky (beautiful granddaughter number two) would follow shortly after (she is not so much of a morning person). We would look for new additions to our little beach and watch the pelicans dive for breakfast. Then we would sort out the shells, the pretty rocks and other artifacts in the sun to dry. Breakfast and the day began.

I ran everyday...or walked at least two miles and returned to the swimming pool with the girls...we hung out there til at least lunch...naps were a must (for everyone) and the lazy afternoons ran into dinner and feeding of the seagulls...that was about it...and that was what makes Bookelia so wonderful. I miss wonderful. Too bad we do not do more of that everyday.

Monday Morning

The alarm went off far too early this morning pulling me from a delightful dream land filled with the usual confusion and charm. I wanted to snooze at least once but did not. Sitting here with my coffee, which is a bit strong for my taste (but am thankful I do not have to make it in my Eliot home) I ponder the week ahead. These early morning minutes when all is quiet are precious. Often times my best work is done between five and nine in the morning before my feet ever hit pavement at the office parking lot.

Of course, this morning, like many I start with a personal catch up. Check my email..the usual stuff, Bob's list serve song of the day, two Belief.net emails (often inspiring but not always opened), weather alert (not inspiring but curious also not always opened), a few staggered emails from the previous evening and as always the daunting pile of emails in need of action: delete, folder, forward but ignoring them is the choice of the day. I know what they contain. I have seen most of them on my blackberry already. But here they are crying out...get organized, clean us up, free yourself from the bondage of email. Nope. Close outlook. This is Monday and there is a whole week ahead.

Ah sitting here quietly, the fan softly whirling. Putting a few thoughts to words. Visiting my face book and waking up slowly....that is a good thing. The emails will be there after my first cup of coffee as will the rest of the day. Right now it is just me and the quiet Monday morning.

Keeping Faith-Praying for a Friend

Sometimes we are faced with scary things in our lives. Sometimes we are asked to understand the unexplainable. Why is a young man with a world in front of him addicted to alcohol while so many of his age can enjoy and indulge with no ill effects? Why does this disease threaten to take the life of this man and so many others? Why do people we love become ill? Why do good people end up with horrible diseases and leave us saddened at their lot in life? Why do some people suffer mightily with relationships and mental illness?

Is faith about not asking why? Is faith about something more than our simple desire to explain the events that do not fit our plan?

Here is what I know. There is a God, we all have access, in a million languages and ways we are able to speak to and know God. God represents love and love is about trust. I would almost venture to say that trust is the hardest and most powerful of all the emotions we experience in love. That when all else fails this trust is the only thing that brings me peace and hope. When I spend time quietly each day with God, with my faith, my life is better. Not better because bad things do not happen but better in that I am able to move through those things with hope and faith that I am loved and cared for.

Brennan Manning ...(a total favorite of mine) puts it so beautifully when he is describing what he believes God would say to us if....
"My child, fan the flame of your confidence in Me. Keep it burning. I want you to be happy, to come back again and again to this feeling of trust until you are never without it. Trust is an aspect of love. If you love Me and believe in My love for you, you will surrender your whole self into My hands like a little child who doesn't even ask, "Where are you taking me?" but sets off joyously, hand in hand with his mother. How many blessings this happy confidence wins for you, My little one......In all of this see My tenderness. It is everlasting."

Tuesday

I have no title for this...I just feel like sharing. I am not even certain what I want to share. I just feel as if there is a "thing" going on today and the last few days.

I find myself thankful for my crazy family, tired by my role of Nana and caring for two little ones. Missing my daughter, their mother on the west coast and blessed that I am able to reflect on it all with an open heart.

My son, 23 years old and fighting some of this world's biggest demons (addiction) recently spent a weekend in Vermont for a 12 step experience that he says "changed my life". He asked me if I pray or meditate everyday? I thought well I should- I try to ...I fail sometimes ...no too often! He said he got on his knees the last few days for a few minutes..now he does not profess to pray to Jesus or any denominational God but he does believe in a Higher Power..God. He then says he wants to meditate daily. He wanted to converse with God daily not just when he had need.

I thought about how wonderful it is when you start the process of being grateful...when you realize that everyday is a gift and all the BS is just that BS. When you decide to deliberately be happy and grateful for what we get each day. Today I am happy that my little grand babies remind me daily that laughter and fun are critical to happiness and to my nutty son for his inspiration to this tired 51 year old and to my lovely daughter for her efforts at greatness.

My fish have you tried to feed them yet?

I wonder if you all have noticed my fish on the side of this blog? If you put your mouse on top of the fish they will follow it along...would it not be great if life were so easy. Point and they will follow? Well my holiday was wonderful despite that no one followed my lead exactly. Bob and I had some good alone time, the grand babies were happy with their visit and the weather even turned out beautiful. It was like a movie, remember Trains. Planes and Automobiles and Little Miss Sunshine all rolled into one.

I really do believe that most of us are dysfunctional...we have a bit of Uncle Buck, and the family of Little Miss ---the old car that will not start without pushing and the grandfather who decides at 80 to do drugs but dearly and sweetly loves his grand child. If you have not seen these movies watch them!

It is in our sharing that we come to know we are not alone. I feel that so completely. When I discover that my pain is similar to other women, people who I admire it makes my own self judgment less lonely. There is no doubt we are human, we try, we fail, we climb hills to find they are mountains and we enter waters well over our heads. But we are born to love and be loved. It is the core of my faith, that inherent need to love and to be loved---do not be fooled it is in us, it is no mistake. Therein lies the best of it all. So while there were many ups and downs over the holiday..there was so much love shared that today I am blessed!

Family...coming home,,,Happy 4th

So this has been a weird and crazy night...it is so typical of my great big dysfunctional family. Oh by the way this is MY family the one I created and I own this dysfunction. So during the night (I will say I write this as I have slept less than three hours) my daughter's flight from LA was delayed four hours so her arrival will be noon time not 8am. My son is driving from Chicago with his girl friend with his life belongings and two cats. At four am he called as the truck (my blazer) had broken down after making "loud noise" for the past 40 miles. Calls to my triple AAA were more than discouraging ...that is a membership I will end. However, the real issue with the truck was that it was out of gas ...did I mention the gas gauge does not work and that he had managed this all the way from Maine to Chicago and home...however the loud noise was the four wheel drive kicking in...so he used more gas and pushed his luck on the home run. Meanwhile Jackie's husband (son in law) has been driving through the night from DC (Marine at Quantico) to also arrive in Maine. He had no major issues should be in Maine shortly only to turn around within a few hours to go to Logan and pick up Jackie...Now I did wake up Bob (husband) at four am with Matt's issue so tonite at our house should be very interesting...no one has had a good night's sleep and we all will have stories to tell. Of course my night was not so exciting ...I just did the usual mind overload of my "to do" list. There were a few interesting things that popped in my head around 2 but I am darned if I can recall them. Happy 4th to all!!!!

Here I Am...Welcome

So the alarm went off at 5:15, the usual which allows me for two snooze hits and still be on time for almost anything. Now this morning I am not sure what happened but the snooze turned to the off button. Today is Rotary Day and clearly I am not going to be able to be present for that...Of course I feel guilty. I feel guilty about everything. But I am fighting that after all here I am and get to do my notes before heading to Augusta. Looking for the good in the day and the "right" of the moment.

I find it hard work to wake up each day, smile before I groan and feel grateful before worried. I know it is available to me, it is my choice and that makes the challenge even greater. How many people are able to wake up joyful? Do most people feel tired and wish the alarm would stop? I think I will spend more time with my faith and find a new way to wake up. I will say this-- when I hit the snooze button I do feel wonderfully happy to sleep for ten minutes. Much personal work to do...I am trying not to feel guilty about this!