Oh no Grinding my teeth. What will be left?

So not only do I wake up at 2am with a million thoughts worthy of my full attention but only half drifting in and out of my conscious mind...I am ruining my teeth. Seriously these puppies are going to fall out of my head. With the cost of dental work these days and the sorry reality of dental insurance (what do they really pay at all?) I cannot afford to destroy my teeth. To date I have broken several back teeth and lost a crown and a major filling. The worst part of this all is that right now we, my husband and I, are paying for his teeth to be fixed so I have to stop. He has a huge project going on and that is all the money we have. I am looking at somewhere around $3500 worth of work and his is over $10,000. Now what is wrong with that picture????

If people who make a good living, have a home and good jobs and dental insurance cannot afford the high cost of dental work what the heck is happening to others? There are hundreds of articles about the cost of dental insurance and care, the reality is that people then end up in Emergency Rooms which are not equipped to handle teeth. But where else can people go?

I figure the grinding of my teeth is a sign of stress so I have to figure out how to reduce that in my life. Hmmmm any suggestions? I could quit my job but that would add financial distress, I could sell my house but I would hate a small apartment, I could disown my whole family but I would miss them terribly. I will ponder this more and let you know. For now I am going to keep working out and look for a good mouth guard. Like that will work!

Somedays are just hard

Today was a hard day, not work wise thank goodness but in my heart. I have been heavy with worry for my family. Why does worry make my body feel weak and my arms heavy? Why does worry make me wish I could sleep but all I am able to do is lie in the dark wishing for rest? Why does worry move into my mind and leave me restless with all things done and undone?

I have loved my children well . I have not however, the mother I would have liked to have been. I would have chosen to be an independent, strong and courageous woman. I would like to have been fine with being alone. My own need for a partner diluted my time with them, my attention to their daily needs. I would take back those young days and hold each one with the care and love it so deserved ignoring my own loneliness. But alas that is not how life unfolded.

I loved them, went to every game, every school event. I shared my heart with them beyond all else. But as a single mom I struggled to work more than one job, make ends meet and find time for a Friday night out. I longed for what I thought other people had: the lovely couples sitting at my daughter's basketball game or the parent's of my son's friend all playing flash light tag. I knew something was missing for them and for me. But still I am haunted when they struggle now---could I, should I have done more? What if I had been enough for me and would that have made me enough for them.

Today is a hard day and I am sad by the love I feel because it cannot change the course of life for either of them. My lovely girl will struggle to raise her children and have her legal career...so bright and strong. My son will battle his demons of lost childhood and lost relationships all the while searching for his passion. I will worry for them both. Today more than usual. Heavy with the fear and the knowing. Some days are hard.

Martin Luther King Day

Martin Luther King Day...a good day for us all.

One of my favorite quotes in these days of political fighting and scare resources.

“Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” MLK

I was a child when MLK lost his life, I remember the days of JFK, RFK and MLK. It seemed the killing would never stop. It seemed that my parents and their friends gathered in our country home around the small television with horror too often. I wondered why these men were killed and if my parents would be okay. It was only later in life that I really began to understand the significance of their lives.

I read a few great quotes from MLK today. He had so many inspirational speeches and words to offer a tired and scared nation. He was brave not because he was a warrior but because his belief was so strong that he did not fear evil. Here are some great quotes I found: http://www.mlkonline.net/quotes.html

I think that Bing had a great page of pictures and videos, all nicely on one page.

http://www.bing.com/search?publ=9CB2341B-44BC-4F6A-A997-4E94B131874C&FORM=MVIBRT&crea=TEXT_MVIBRT_core_VibrantCS_News2_1x1&adlt=strict&vm=clickthrough&ck=1263817853728&crea=TXT_MVIBRT_CORE_ComScoreTest_3plusclick_1x1&q=Martin%20Luther%20King%20Jr

So today I will take with me a bit of him everywhere I go, I could only hope to keep it all year. Thanks MLK!

Loving Grandchildren

What a gift. Grandchildren are remarkable. I know that my grandchildren came just at the right time when I was finally done my internship on my two lovely children. I know well the things I do not want to repeat with these babies. I know that every moment, each day I have is a gift. The beauty of grandchildren is that they are not your full time responsibility and spoiling is an option. The hardest part of grandchildren is that you know how quickly it goes by and how much goes by without you.

I think about the first time I saw my girls. Each one was beautiful and charming. I think of all the silly things they do and how much they have already grown up. Now they tell me about their day, share they joys and their worries. The four year old does more reporting of other's wrong doing and the five year old plans for her next day, constantly! Breakfast is a routine of very specific foods, there is little room for variation and most meals are in a theme of pasta and soup and salty good stuff. Tub time includes a ritual quiet candle time, just allowing them to float in the warm water with only a candle. And night time brings obligatory story time and just one more show.

Loving my grandchildren has the most joyous feeling, the one that begins in my heart and spreads warmly into all of me. It is a symphony of experiences soft and loud, heavy and light, slow and fast which I am allowed to conduct.

Sleep, sleeping...not Sleeping!

This week began with some crazy sleep nights. Tossing from 2am and getting up just after 4am. Next night waking at midnight finally sleeping sometime after 3am. Not only do I hate when this happens. I fear that it will go on for days. I have gone through times where this will last for over a week. It is not pretty. The good news is that I slept last night. This morning the alarm went off, I did my usual two snoozes and the world was all well. I will confess: Tylenol pm!

What makes me not sleep? Why are there times when the brain will simply override my desire to slumber. How many people experience that night time conversation? The multiple personalities, the swirling thoughts, the ideas that visit and vanish with the next blink. What is that called that night time drama. It plays out in a million voices and tones.

To quiet myself I start my chanting, trying to repeat something that requires enough focus to shut down the noise. I generally use something like the doxology or lately I have spelled a word over and over again. Tuesday I slowly spelled and visualized each letter of the word Ribbon. It did not help.

The folks from the drug company that makes Rozerem has some tips for us: http://www.rozerem.com/en/about_sleep/healthy_sleep_tips/

I especially like that the bed if for sleep and intimacy only!

I found this interesting research paper http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1690

I liked this line the best:

" the longest a human has remained awake was eleven days rats that are continually deprived of sleep die within two to five weeks, generally due to their severely weakened immune system (10),(11), (12)."

Clearly I need to sleep more! good heavens is rat can die within two weeks I better keep my Tylenol pm going and risk liver malfunction.

After a bit of research I was unable to find why those voices talk to me so much when I cannot sleep. Why do I jump from my children,to work, to the Rotary, to my dog, to my house, to a paper I wrote ten years ago,to my husband, to what I will cook for dinner, to my bills, back to my children, oh and there is my mother. Seriously I need to do more research...how to stop my brain. I will leave with one last place that was somewhat helpful and was not one of the million drug company sites http://helpguide.org/life/insomnia_treatment.htm.

Here is to a good night sleep!

So a Birthday

Today was Dad's birthday and my parent's anniversary. Of course since Dad passed away on December 21st it was really neither. I felt badly for my mother. I am not sure that she really figured out or remembered that today was January 5th.... still I felt badly for her.

She was alone today and I am grateful that my daughter was able to spend a bit of time with her. It is not nice getting older, I feel horrible for my mother most days. I also selfishly think: is that me? How will I act at 82 years old? How will I feel? How will my children feel? I am not really happy with my answers.

Getting older sucks. I would like no more birthdays. Is that possible? Happy Birthday Dad. I hope that you are now celebrating a whole new day. Mom I am with you. I am sorry you are feeling alone. Birthdays...they are not so much fun after forty!

First Storm

So here is the first possible storm of the season. I am looking at the ground and thinking: four more months! Just hang tough and before you know it April will roll around with the promise of spring. I really dislike winter.

I did not always dread winter, as a child I loved the snow it was so beautiful. I enjoyed skiing, sledding and ice skating. I would build forts with rooms and tunnels. It was a wonder land. My five year old granddaughter loves to try and build chairs in the snow. In winters past with the snow build up and large snow banks to create walk ways we would build little seats into the banks. She thought that was so cool. Maybe winter is for children.

I think I need to find a winter activity to help me like winter. Perhaps spending time at the gym would help :). I have a whole plan for that. http://stayingonme.blogspot.com/

Yeah that will work. Oh and football...all the way to the Super Bowl.

New Year

It is so great to be here on the first of 2010. I love the sound of the year. I wonder, however, what will we call these years? We cannot say the 60's or 70's ...seriously the 10's sounds pretty silly.

What will come in this decade. When I see the list of top stories of the past decade...wow. How the world has changed. The fight on terror, 9/11 forever imprinted on our brains, our first black president, Iraq and Afghanistan, Tony Blair, George Bush, all of it seems beyond belief. Loosing yet the last of our beloved Kennedy brothers. For those of us in the Northeast the Kennedy's represented the closest thing to royalty we could ever imagine. I know that many hated Ted's politics but few hated the man. I listened to his dear friend Orin Hatch and figure that is as good a measure as one can get. http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/26482.html

So the decade was filled with a million and one things--- I particularly liked this OpChart in the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/12/27/opinion/28opchart.html and from the other side of our country these pictures are pretty telling from the LA Times http://www.latimes.com/la-2009photos-html,0,270887.htmlstory

So today we get to start with fresh white snow (up here in Maine) and a hope that this decade brings more promise and hope than the last. I certainly pray that Obama is correct that "we can" do better and will do better. Perhaps peace will get another chance and the world will come to its' collective senses. It is worth considering on this first day of 2010. I will miss Teddy though! Happy New Year.