I have this dear friend, she is in pain. She is afraid...she will not write here --why I do not know she is a beautiful writer but her story is all of ours. She is sad and it is so hard because I completely understand the cold chill in her heart. She feels that her husband has drifted away, she worries why...despite her efforts to build their relationship he is not there. I struggle, as her friend, as a woman and as a lifetime care giver. What can I say that will matter?
When I have found myself cold, afraid and sad (I have been more than I would like to admit) words and advice often seem trite. While I love to hear my friends reminding me that I am special, must care for myself, should rest in my faith...I push it all away. My heart does not have the energy and my soul is tired and cold.
I do know, from years of living around a world of recovery, both the man I love and myself from depression, that these days require the simplest of plans. Grace and Mercy are available. Faith is easy--- surely at least two beautiful things offered before our eyes evidence this gift and all simply because we exist. One hour, one day, one moment at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other may sound cliche but trust me on this one: imperative!
When my second child was born with a serious brain defect and died I was amazed that days began to pass despite my tortured heart and self pity. Then there was a day when I realized I had experienced a moment of happiness, then another until life began anew. The Grace I needed, the ability to forgive myself, the mercy that warmed my heart all gathered and grew my faith. How sweet that these gifts were offered, simply because.....love and mercy, grace and faith. My heart whole again. I seek to share that fluffy warm sweater offered in Faith to me to my friend for her lonely walk today.
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Loss, any kind of loss — rejection, abandonment, divorce, death — is a shocking, numbing, grey thing that at the outset, at least, freezes the heart and slows the mind. Loss changes life at the root. Irrevocably.
ReplyDeleteWhat was once the center of life — the person, the position, the plan, the title, the lifestyle — is no more. Life is never the same again. What we have known, almost unconsciously, often for years, to be good, to be familiar, to be sure, to be certain, is gone, snatched away without warning.
Yet loss, once reckoned, once absorbed, is a precious gift. No, I cannot be what I was before but I can be — in fact I must be — something new. There is more in me, I discover in emptiness, than I have ever known in what I once took to be fullness.
My sister is going through this same thing, and I have supported her, telling her she did nothing wrong, and that she is a wonderful, caring and loving person and we all need her, our family. She still suffered great pain and self doubt, but she finally got to a point where where she knew what she had to do to save herself. They are now in the process of getting divorced. She moved into her own little place with her little doggie, who she said has saved her from thinking about doing a terrible thing...she had a rough couple of nights in her new home. But she has reached the other side of this, through much hard work and great support from friends and family, and she is starting to breathe again. And is excited at the prospect of having her life back, her "self" back. She is 53 years old, and is starting a new adventure, and she has told me many times that my support and kind words, and just listening to her story and being able to cry on my shoulder, and having other family and friends to support her through this, has been her saving grace. Sometimes just being there and being available to someone in need is priceless and powerful.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is hard. Thought about it while traveling. Wish you could get her on here under a private name. All of you are so insightful.
ReplyDeleteI think back on to hard times in my life. In younger days I needed to be surrounded when I was going through hell. Now, I prefer to be alone to deal with stuff.
Sounds so simplistic but I say -- Deb, get her out of the house. To realize what she has, what she does not have, or what she could have.
Is she local? That means girls night out (me included :) )
Down deep, I feel that if both in a relationship are not in it for the long run there is a problem I've experienced distance and have definitely given the same. Loved my husband but knew it was not true love.
Now, Arnie and I have mostly good days but some horrid ones. We regroup after the later because we know down deep how much we love and are committed to each other and can forgive faults (moods, depression, or PMS... list goes on)
So, you friend. Are there good days? Something to work on to recover? If so, IMO doable with commitment and love.
Is daily living unbearable? Sex life tedious or non-existent? That's where it becomes more complicated. If I was in her shoes would try to dig in further to determine the real issue (as potentially ugly as it might be.. or may not be.)
Ug, that sounds awful, but strongly believe that if 2 people are meant be together it can all be worked out. If they are not then it’s time to move on but it needs effort before the final verdict.
vs trying to delete I'll just ask if everyone excuse my grammar above... know my grammar, it's changing my mind on phrasing :) and counting on spell check!
ReplyDelete- Lazy Nancy
You are all so wonderful. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I absolutely agree with all you are saying. I know, as women, we all feel and understand the place she is in. I appreciate you so much. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteOK Ladies... I get it... I'm here. I believe I am the one Deb is writing about. Kathy is right.. just having a friend with whom you can process all that goes on in your head is priceless. Somtimes saying out loud what you churn over and over in your tortured mind and heart can be cathartic. Having friends who tell you that you are loved and appreciated- that you are someone- gives you that thing to hold onto when you can no longer hold onto that person you love(d) and thought you would be with for the rest of your life- when you awake from that dream of happily everafter that you had as a little girl. It floats you higher- it takes you above the pain and hurt to look down and gain perspective on the situation. When I was a little girl, I can remember standing in our dining room and dancing to that song Up Up and Away... I remember feeling free, loved and happy whenever I heard that song. It seemed full of hope and possibility. I get the same feeling from those around me who, like Deb, are lifting me higher, taking me for a ride above all the mess. High above you can look down and put things in perspective and see the possibilities of dreams. The sky is endless and while I may feel my relationship is at a dead end... my life is not over and as I look down from that big beautiful balloon I can see rivers I have not rafted, moutains I have not climbed and oceans I have not sailed. Maintaining the balance between sailing in that balloon and getting through the day to day hurt and pain is sometimes difficult to strike- Sometimes feeling like a lunatic going from the depths of utter sadness to the heights of "yes.. I can do this.. I am strong" can be tiring and distressing. I am blessed though to have friends I think of as sisters and the love of my three beautiful children. It sounds cliche but the days I count my blessing and express gratitude for the joys and simple acts of love and courage that come my way are the days I board that balloon for a beautiful ride. In the end I guess its all about choice. Do I ride in the balloon and see the possibilities that are all around me or do I stay on the ground and cry my own river of pain.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Claire!
ReplyDeleteWhat beautiful courageous thoughts.
Especially enjoyed: "When I was a little girl, I can remember standing in our dining room and dancing to that song Up Up and Away... I remember feeling free, loved and happy whenever I heard that song. It seemed full of hope and possibility. I get the same feeling from those around me who, like Deb, are lifting me higher, taking me for a ride above all the mess."
It’s obvious you have so many great parts of you life. Glad to see you are focusing on the positive and looking onto the horizon. There is so much out there, most of which we cannot see now.
Sounds like you are right on track and will rise above your current challenge. Please allow yourself to temporarily wallow if you feel you need to. But just for short periods!
Hey Nancy.. thanks! I am really spending today just loving the small day to day tasks. I think its buddhism that teaches you to be mindful and present even in the smallest of duties. So I have cuaght up on laundry, cleaned, baked cookies, have dinner ready and I made a new libraby for myself on Itunes with songs that lift me up and make me happy. I put them on my i pod and have been just singing my heart out and enjoying the mundane tasks of life. I have made my children laugh, the house if filled with joy and lightness. I will come more often to "the sisters" blog and connect with all of you. I always delight in the insight and thoughtfulness of other. We are all so interconnected whether we know eachother or not.
ReplyDeleteClaire, your words and insights are so beautiful! Taking joy in the "day to day tasks" is so wonderful. That's what life is all about. Life gets so complicated, but often the simple things bring the greatest joy. Sing "Up, up and away" and ride in that balloon! What wonderful visions that creates!
ReplyDeleteClaire, come on over to Facebook too!!
ReplyDeleteWell, you have to have my two cents! Buddhism does look for fulfillment in the activities of daily life. Also, buddhism looks at pain as opportunity to learn about ourselves. But before we can grow from an experience, I believe we have to feel the pain -- just let it be in us -- not resist it. Where do we feel our pain?For me, it is often around my heart, literally -- a pressure, a twinge, a sense of hollowness. It can be different for someone else. If we just let the pain move through us, without tensing up against it, we often find it is bearable and transient. It arises and subsides, and we are able to bear it. Non-resistance. That's whats easy for me to say. Once we learn that we can feel pain, and survive, we can start to learn from the situation; we can learn our limits and our possibilities. A friend who is two years out of a divorce spent about eight months not having a clue as to how to proceed, after the initial break-up. She just sat with not-knowing, and eventually, a path of action unfolded that made sense for her. It's okay to not know what to do.
ReplyDeleteI love what all of you have to say. I think that the beauty of this is that we are all here...we are all women with life experience. However we still fully appreciate that we are vulnerable, afraid, uncertain and willing to try. I am so impressed. Nancy you are so cool ---I am blessed to have found you, even if you are a techy...(thank goodness you are), Kathy I love your insight and caring-you have a gift that has clearly been hard learned! Laurie I truly do love that you bring such intelligence and that splash of genuine caring to life....you are the best Buddhist I know! Thanks to all for sharing. Claire... I love you and that is all there is to it! You hang there girl b/c you are far too beautiful a human being...we all need you here in our world. I am smiling!
ReplyDeleteLaurie,
ReplyDeleteThought of this for a little while "Also, Buddhism looks at pain as opportunity to learn about ourselves. But before we can grow from an experience, I believe we have to feel the pain -- just let it be in us -- not resist it."
So so true, even though I don't understand Buddhism (have a book will read up.)
The best lessons we learn are from either mistakes we've made or pain experienced. I so appreciate the former.
The latter is an issue within me. I need to somehow forgive 2 individuals VERY important I do so (will probably write on and on this someday) but cannot find it my heart because I do not trust them.
Can I forgive but not let down the fences for trust??
There WAS one more in this category, our "son" - Arnie's son who we raised since age 11. He got caught up in the politics and I lost faith in him, and he hurt me deeply.
So deeply I thought I had a heart attack, not kidding on this - it was very serious and even Arnie panicked.
He and I are working on it. Still have major trust issues but it is Sam... who I will stand by forever. Love him so much, wish I could trust him again.
Sam and I normally pass the funniest xmas cards we can find. This year I did not. Gave him a loving card with a long note reflecting how I hoped we could re-establish the trust we have had since I met him. We are progressing, I hope that by next xmas I am back to the funny cards.
As for the other 2…. Such a long way to go and they both are in Sam’s life.
Deb,
ReplyDeleteHa! From the "techy" population :)... glad we’re OK once even if we might have a protractor in our pocket protector!
So need to get my very dear old (not old but from the past) friend Caroline on this blog. Hope she's reading... will keep pushing her.
This is so great! Claire is wonderful!
Yes it is. I am very happy with our little community of women. Life is hard enough alone...this makes it easier and more fun. It is hard for people who are private. I totally understand. We are here and that is a good thing!
ReplyDeleteIt is incredible what I have learned reading and reflecting on the various colorful and insightful words, experiences and diversity of beliefs that come together in this wonderful way to help all of us share and learn and grow and support each other. I am smiling too!
ReplyDeleteKthy very nicely said. You have a great way with words!
ReplyDeleteI love the words you picked. I am grateful for this community of ladies. We all have busy and crazy worlds and this seems like a good place to at least be able to catch up and find some good kinship. Thanks all!