This post has been so difficult for me, I think mostly because for the last weeks I have lived a huge heartache. Watching my son make life choices that only will add pain and struggle to his life and knowing that there is little I can do but wait. I wait for him to find the courage and strength he will need to face his demons. I know that at 23 it is not likely, I review my own life struggles and how long it took me to find a path and stop living with self destruction, how could someone so young do better?
I watch my daughter on her career path as a lawyer, with pride and also sadness. She will spend her summer doing a fabulous internship in LA California and her two adorable girls 4 and 3 will spend their summer with me. I am fortunate and love having them with me but I know how much they will miss her and she them. I also know, as does she, that for many years to come they will be cared for by others likely on the west coast far away from family while she builds her career.
In the last few nights I have found it difficult to sleep with worry and sadness. I sat in the dark last night, wondering how such emotions were possible? Another difficult conversation with my son and I feel a melancholy surge through my whole. I have no control. No simple solutions for the children I have raised and loved so long. Hurt that settles in, a few quiet tears and I wait for sleep. Loving my children.
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I also have been at the place watching a son or daughter struggle with life decisions, sometimes the road chosen leads to darkness and despair. Its hard see our children struggle at anything, when they are young it’s easy to fix the wow’s and worries. When they are teenagers your concerns intensify, but your thoughts lean on that light bulb that shines the path to our so called grown up world! The worry and deep concern that penetrates into our hearts every beating moment never fades; sometimes tuck into a shadow retreat within our heart, yanked forward into reality at the slightest reminder, an unwavering love for our children. This unwavering love is their rock, never changing always supporting, and as we are now finding with our parents: they in turn will be our rocks of unwavering love and support as time moves forward. Time works the wonders of change and growth, hope, faith, love are our fortitude.
ReplyDeleteChristine Diffin
Deleted long comments 3 times so guess not ready to put my thoughts down. Have so many feelings but the words cannot express properly. So so hard. Really struggling with our adult son (technically Arnie's but he and I raised him.) Deleting again…
ReplyDeleteDeb you must be so proud of your daughter and you are so supportive. Gosh it's going be hard if they all end up west?
Chris very nicely said! I hear that totally. You put it well.
ReplyDeleteNancy I know for me it was just a bursting moment and when I decided to share how hard it really is. I deleted many lines. I know that I must not be alone but most of us don't talk about it...those dark moments are so hard to think about never mind giving them words. It helped and I knew I was in the safety of my "perpetually dissatisfied".
We have had a very difficult weekend. My son, picture here, is struggling mightily with life. Not much sleep. Very serious situation...his cries for help are clear and leave little doubt that we need to pay attention. It does not get easier and I wish I had the answers and solutions for his pain. I wish I could figure out how to cope with my own. I think I will pray and live in faith!
ReplyDeleteOh Deb, feeling so much for your son, for your family, and for you. Whatever it is it sounds very scary. Your gut is probably right, I've been through a more than a few different very serious situations with friends and relatives (two suicidal - one is still going on). So hard for everyone.
ReplyDeleteHe and you are on my prayer list tonight. Always here if you want to vent.
Thanks Nancy...it is pretty nuts these days. I am certainly finding that the care and support you give your children is important for all their lives.
ReplyDeleteYou can keep the faith better than anyone I know - hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing else but faith at this point. It is s bit strange to read this post knowing the events of this past week. It was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I remain hopeful for my son that he begins a new. I celebrate that he is still here.
ReplyDeleteDeb, what can I do to help? Do you want to talk? Always have hope and faith. Sometimes it is all we have to hang on to, and often, it gets us through. I am worried about you, my friend!
ReplyDeleteAnd you still kept going at it at work. You must be exhausted and, I assume you are caring for the grand-cuties too?
ReplyDeleteWhatever it is it sounds awful, but glad you are able to focus on what needs to be "celebrated" He is still here, thank God.
Pray that with your strength and involvement in the solution things will only get progressively better.
Like Kathy, I’m here for you if you need anything. N
Thank you both..It is great to have women in your world who get it. Sometimes we are reminded just how fragile the world can be. There is no substitute for family and friends when the walls close in. I will be looking for some talking time...it seems so hard these days to know where to begin. But I am very glad to have a strong faith and summer! The flowers the warmth of the sun, walks and the ocean are great places to find where faith is reinforced and the presence of God is indisputable.
ReplyDeleteAny chance you can take a break and go to O'Donal's Nursery Thurs for girls night?
ReplyDeleteWeather permitting I am going with Mell and Jan plus Kathy and Bonnie plan to go. Think it's 4-6 or 7 but not sure what time we are going. Not for long, just something different.
Sounds like a soothing time...
I wanted to give you a hug today when I saw you......... Definately not yourself, too many worries I assume.
ReplyDeleteNobody told me that our adult children would cause us so much heartache. I thought the teen years were going to be the tough ones. My worries have increased as my children have grown older. Support and prayers are all we have to offer. Lessons are often learned the hard way and yet we work so hard to stop all the
hurt and heartache from touching the lives of our children.
You are lifted up in my prayers for peace and resolution to all that is bothering you.
HUGS!!!!!
Terry, good point. Once the kids get in the early 20's or past college it should be so fine watching them find their way in the world (and learning from minor mistakes) with just giving them life learned advice.
ReplyDeleteLike you, Deb, and Kathy we've seen our son make mistakes we never thought possible. And, this just happened over the last couple of years (he's 27 and graduated college a long while ago)
So hard with the sleepless nights, anxiety, and worry. Last summer it was intense, then got better, now intense again.
I don't think our situation is at the same level as Deb's. But, personally, now I am detaching. Have done enough talking and it’s not working. Not sure if this is good or bad - acting out of self preservation. He will come around... it's in his core... pray every day for the time he’ll realize what a smart, loving, confident, practical person he really is…
Deb - keep going, loving, supporting, and believing!
You know a friend of mine said that as parents we often come to realize our place is on our knees. It sure seems that is where I have been. Terry you are correct I am not in my right space...I am filling space. I am sad and anxious. I have such courage and attention to detail when it is outside of family...But when it comes to my boy. Nancy I have been in and out of detachment as well. The worst is when the nightmare arrives and you find yourself in the ICU waiting, praying and wondering what the morning will bring. I so appreciate your concern. All of you. I am lost for words. That is how I know I must be hurting...we all know it is unlike me to be without words. Thanks so much for your kindness.
ReplyDeleteYour words speak volumes, Deb, and perhaps the lack of them speaks even more. Do what you need to do to support yourself...As moms, we seem to carry the burden to support everyone else, especially our families. Prayers in abundance for you.....
ReplyDeleteThanks Kathy...your visit to the office today was very special...You are a good person indeed. It gets harder but I am feeling good that today Matt is here and working his program.
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