I was reading an email from a friend of mine and realized that she, like me, often feels that she must be the doer of all things "home". I think it is a female thing. Not so much that our spouse does not cook or help out but do who is really running the house? Who nags for the window replacement or the Spring cleaning? Whose decor is in the home? Would the back door get fixed if you never said a thing? I think ultimately my husband does a pretty good job at keeping house but it is never the way I would do it. And often lacks that feeling of "home" when I am not around. Even he will say that --- hmmm making me feel better or keeping me at task? :)
The concern I have is that when we evolved as working people with high level professional careers we did not drop any of the "other duties". This could be more emotional and intellectual than reality. But often I see, in my friends, my sisters and other women in my life, a small tired fear that all is not perfect, that some piece of our life purpose is not fulfilled. I named this blog because of this very thing, that little voice that nags you in the night or as you walk in the door and clutter consumes your view: I should do better. What do we do with that?
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We have distinct "separation of duties" here. Arnie is job is outside overall and fixing thing inside. My job is cleaning the inside, cooking, and my precious gardens. Although... it is his job to cleanup after dinner (he will not wipe a counter because he says I’ll just it over.) I think it fair (MOST of the time)
ReplyDeleteSo, we've been together 15 years. When I met him he was fully capable of cooking and cleaning (to an extent). Totally my fault that he no longer is. He's always afraid it's not up to my standards.
I was in Massachusetts most of last summer because of Mom. He did re-learn cooking. And made sure the floors were spotless upon my return (assume he knew there would be hell to pay). The rest he gave up on. I could write my name on the furniture in the dust, not sure if the sheets were EVER changed (esp not once a week)
Not complaining just realizing he really does not care about that stuff nor sees it any more.
So, I take responsibility taking away his abilities. My being so anal has made him afraid to do anything so I don’t think he even sees it.
Regarding taking on more professionally and not giving up at home... guilty. I had a cleaning person for years and decided what she was doing was not worth the $3,000 I was spending. Prefer to do it myself, so I had an out and did not keep it up.
So, here I sit... need to clean this house and get Arnie prepped with food (he will cook it) so I can go to go to MA for a few days for family stuff. Should I be stressed about it NO! Am I stressed about it? Yep, a little... will deal with it tomorrow and make sure I realize it is my own doing :)
So, in my world… I either need to give up perfection, negotiate a different deal, or bite the bullet and do it myself. We are all in or approaching the “50 set” so suspect limited chance for change now :)
That is so perfectly said. I think that it is my high standards that put off Bob. He knows that I will always find something "not right".
ReplyDeleteIt is something that we set up. But even more interesting is that when we look at the situation honestly I suspect most of us realize we carry more of the burden then we really need. But alas you are also correct that as time goes by it is harder and harder to change what we have created. :)
Hmm. These questions are seriously making me watch my behavior. Take today… sorry if too detailed.
ReplyDeleteAlways hard and a scramble prepping for a MA Dad trip – get the house in shape, pack, organize and copy works stuff to the laptop. Today was no exception.
Leaving a clean house is critical for me, even if only going out for a meeting (at least it needs to be picked up) … so totally my gratification. Now, for my behavior. Two things I thought about in the car:
1)I was freezing meat. Left some juice on the counter… Arnie saw it first and when I came back proudly told me he cleaned up one of my messes.
Instead of thanking him, what did I do? I berated him for dribbling water down the dishwasher front because I just cleaned it THEN asked him if he used disinfectant.
No wonder he never wants to do anything. I will apologize when I call him later.
2)The last tasks I did before rushing out of the house were putting extra rolls of toilet paper out the bathrooms and bring up seltzer from storage.
Why? Because I always do this – he’s NEVER had to find either on his own (although the TP is under each sink) So, vs teaching him these VERY simple tasks I think about it before I leave to travel so he does not call me looking for them. Next time I will not do this.
So, continuing to believe that my household issues are all because of me! I am overly critical and an enabler. Funny, I was so much better at both when we were raising Sam…. Guess I never thought of using good practice with Arnie??
It is so funny to read this. Today is Sunday and I am doing my usual three meal cooking...Making sure that people have food for the week. Even though I am commuting tomorrow and will be here for dinner made sure the beef stew was in the crock pot already to go.
ReplyDeleteThen I got my grand daughter's clothes already for Bob tomorrow..right down to the extra pants. Seriously he raised children and is fully capable.
Then I cleaned out the refrigerator b/c, of course, every weekend when I shop I feel compelled to clean out and scrub it...It is amazing what a mess it becomes during the course of one week. No one sees the things I do or seems to care.
I think I put all this on myself and if I could learn to live with a little mess here and there I would be fine. I will have to continue monitor how I do this to myself....it is interesting huh?
OK... I thought I was bad. You clean you fridge every week? You mean taking everything out and scrubbing??? Wow, and then do you pull it out and clean underneath?
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't think I could live with any more mess than I do now (which is mainly daily dirt from shoes) Not ready to give this up.
Ahh... so a step beyond Arnie being perfectly capable of finding the TP -- you acknowledge Bob is perfectly capable to taking care of your girls!! Are you going to try to let go a little? :)
Oh gosh no...I know there are piles of dirt under it,....drives me nuts. Do not get the impression I am a neat freak b/c truthfully I am not. But certain things, like dirty shelves in the fridge drive me nuts.
ReplyDeleteI think it is also partly self serving...makes me feel important to the relationship. Bob is very capable with things like cars, electronics and such....getting him started can be fun but he is amazing with that stuff.
I think I will try to see what I do and when I feel that "I do so much syndrome" catch myself and assess. Thinking it could be helpful.
I hear that, Deb. I get into the "I do so much" trap, but when I come to realize that I am exhibiting a very poor attitude about that, I humble myself by remembering how much Eugene does each and every day also. We all do so much, and it gets tiring, and fatigue is our worst enemy. It is mine.....
ReplyDeleteKathy, I hear what you are saying. I complain about Arnie esp when he messes up my hard work around the house. But do need to acknowledge there is no way I could keep up the outside work, cars etc without him.
ReplyDeleteDid I check my tires, oil, and add windshield fluid before I left for MA? No. Did I think of it (or ever think of it) no. But he ALWAYS does.
Does he ask every snow storm if I have a business meeting so he can arrange plow schedule? Yes. Will he drive me to a meeting in 4 wheel drive if I need it? Yes.
There are so many things he does which I don't always appreciate.... I will start to ponder if our chores are relatively even. Dunno but thinking.
I believe that is true there are many things that are just "Bobs" and I do not worry about. I really find it true when I am up in South Paris during the work week and have to do it ALL! Bob even got me a small electric start snow blower because I complained so much.
ReplyDeleteI think the most significant thing for me is the feeling that I should do it all...that I push myself in ways I really do not need to. And I am most curious what drives me to be wonder woman..even though clearly I am not.
Yep, I think the guys are great - MOST of the time. Just trying not to be a consistent male basher (I lean toward the bashing, hopefully most when kidding) Did Bob get you the snow blower because you were anal? Arnie gave me a tractor for the same reason… he was going to sell it but I wanted the lawn close the house mowed a certain way
ReplyDeleteDeb, you are wonder woman. You do seem to realize it is your decision to determine if you wish to continue in this role :) It’s OK either way
All about me: I came home today -- left a clean house on Saturday. Was not happy to what I came home to BUT Arnie has started to leave his boots in the garage and he clearly pointed that out. Bit my tongue and quietly tried to clean up (not done yet)
Don't get me wrong, any man coming into the house would have thought it was very clean, he tried. SO I thank you (and him for trying). Suspect a month ago I would have let loose on Arnie. Today I did not because I thought so much after your initial post. Think that if we give them credit where do they might even improve? And, that will take some stress off of us?
Life is precious and no one knows how long we've got. We choose where we put our energy.
ReplyDeleteYes indeed Laurie. Yeah for you Nancy. I too tried to go easier this weekend (before I got sick) regarding the house and its level of cleanliness. I think I felt better for it :)
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