Time Goes By and By and By

So where exactly does the time go? It seems like forever ago that I last wrote. It is tempting to drop this whole blogging effort however it is because of that desire I am here writing. After all there must be something worthy of "the blog".

Time and how is passes...As I had my hair trimmed yesterday I looked into the mirror thinking wow my face is my father's face. Then I thought wow, I am old. Then I took off my glasses and almost feel asleep. Time sure does pass quickly. I guess the question for me was: what are you doing to mark it? What moments will you take from this time?

So my exercise is to think about the past five years, what do I think about that makes me smile, makes me wish I could return to that hour, that minute? I always go to Bookelia. I am not sure exactly why but I do. That house, that water, those dolphins. I think about fires in the back yard and holidays. Why holidays? I suspect because we put so much emphasis on enjoying those days. We stop-listen-play and enjoy. I think about a few friends and gatherings..a shared meal. I think about the grand babies and their uniforms for St Marys.

Today I am going to focus on things I might remember! Maybe creating memorable times each day would be worth while? Happy Monday!

Lonely at the Top

I am a person who believes all is possible with enough caring and drive. Passion mixed with talent is all that is needed, a significant lack of either and failure is certain. Finding that balance is the test of my inner captain.

Being a person who thrives on a challenge I often end up in leadership where serious change is needed. Big changes require fortitude. There are days when despite all my learning and all my vision I do not know. I ask, I seek, I ask again but in the final weighing of the options I must stand within my own experience and belief. Decisions ultimately I must make alone. So while I like to lead, really ask anyone I am bossy, the moments of action are always preceded by a brief moment of suspended feelings and emotions and then without hesitation--- A moment of faith in which I leap. A lonely leap into the next challenge.

Raising Mom

Okay so I bought this Life Alert necklace for Mom. I must say it is pretty darn cool. The only issue is that she does not remember to wear it! It has the box where people talk to you and they have your whole life history so when you have an issue they know who is in the house. She also has an attachment so if she took a walk and got lost she could push a button and call 911...it also has GPS so that they could locate her. But when someone has no, really NO, short term memory it difficult to teach her how to use this stuff.

There are days when her questions become so painful. But then there are many others that I am blessed to have her with me. She loves the grandchildren -- we both came to California from the east coast to be with them. She loves her wine, she gets that every night. And she loves Hannah the corgi dog (even if she does not admit it).

Weekends are spent taking her out and about. It is odd that many things are still there for her. She likes to shop, she likes flowers around her, she likes going out to eat but always professes that she has too much food and often eats most of it. She loves to comment on all the people around her, not always nice.

I guess the core of who she has always been is there, it is just so sad to see that she cannot recall what she had for lunch or if she ate lunch. Or worse the afternoon at the beach with her precious great grand girls. But I think she is generally happy (as happy as my mother will ever be). People seemed surprised when I say I brought her to the west coast and I wonder why not? I hope someone brings me on an adventure at 83. Well got to go get her medications ready before I go to work. It is interesting raising Mom.

Dog Parks...

So my Hannah corgi has a new dog park and it is just around the corner. I have discovered that she is prey for the Big dogs but loves the smaller dog play area. Dogs are funny, as I watch the dogs it is much like the parade of folks I watch with my mother having coffee on Sunday mornings. Some are very social and chat with all the other dogs, some stay to the edges watching and sometimes running with the pack but on the fringe. There are the leaders, Hannah is not one, and there are the followers. But all seem happy to arrive and be in the midst of fellow canines.

I have thought about my own life, my limited networks of personal friends. I am great with the business world relationships (well at least I think so) but I do very little to build my network of friends. I think, in part, I work hard and then just want to rest at the end of the day. But I also know that I lack enthusiasm or drive for social interactions that requires small talk or general conversation. Not sure why but there it is. The irony is that when I push myself to go out and do things with others I usually find it fun. But I am not sure it is always relaxing. SO my new goal is to keep my radar on for opportunities to interact, to join groups and to meet people. I need to nurture the friends I have and find new ones. Guess I will keep watching the dogs for some insights and think about it just a little bit longer!

On the brighter side

How easy is it to think of what is wrong, to criticize and judge. How much easier it is to go negative than to find the good. I am almost certain that not everyone finds it so but for me it has been my first instinct. I had a man who worked for me who once said he always looked for Waldo, the forgotten detail or issue. While a critical eye and mind are crucial, in my opinion, to getting a job done well, it is also equally as important to find what is right.

I have decided that I want to give equal time, if not more time, to the good in things and people. To look at a situation and build upon what it is at its very best. It is hard for me. I am judging all the time, someones dress or style, looking for the hidden agenda in each conversation. I would like to start my new life, each day with a clean heart and open mind. To bring to each conversation hope and joy. I would like to take note of what worked well so that I might build on that. I would like to see my world as a series of magical events which are only possible in this one moment and will never occur exactly this way again. I want to see preciousness in the first conversations with God to the last good nights to those in my heart.

I am committed to trying, really trying to live on the brighter side. I am here in the land of glitz and glamor but I see that nothing has changed. I am still me, I have big feet with ugly heels. I have pretty eyes and new wrinkles daily. I get to share moments with the woman who raised me as broken and crazy as she is and the grand babies who still believe all is possible. I get to fully appreciate my son, so many miles away for his courage to live each day one at a time and the commitment of my daughter to fulfill her dream. I get to miss my husband and be glad for the missing knowing it is a measure of my love. I want to stay on the brighter side it is a good place to be.

No Matter How Far Wrong you go You can Turn Around

Do we really ever need permission to begin again? Or perhaps the bigger question is do we really ever start again? After all we take everything from this point with us. For example people who divorce and start again...they bring the experience good and bad of the first marriage with them to the next. Staring a new job is similar we always bring all the lessons from both good decisions and bad to the next position. This makes me wonder if we should re-frame the idea of starting over. Perhaps we are turning around, taking our toys with us and giving ourselves permission to try again. Perhaps if we bring ALL that is part of the past with us, honor it, respect it we will be better at starting the walk again.

In my life I have had so many "start overs" new homes, new relationships, new jobs and new life styles...but often I felt as if I needed or wanted to let go of where I came from. Recently I have watched someone I care deeply about fight the grasp of addiction, here is a time when letting go of the past...starting over would seem appropriate. I think however there too it is important to take ALL of who we are with us, hold it gently and accept it. Be glad for it. Then turn around, make a new choice in direction and walk on with Great knowledge gained from life lessons hard earned!

Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah, .

There are some songs that stay with you always. My husband wonderfully reminded me of this one last night. I have always loved this song and for reasons I cannot explain Leonard is my favorite version.

While at first it was a song about love and the bittersweet reality of it. I then heard the Biblical story of King David and of course of praising God. While there are many sad moments of love gone wrong, loneliness and reality. But in the end the song is merely Hallelujah and that word over and over so beautifully song that it leaves me with hope and heart. Just love it. So here it is....

When our Children Amaze Us!

My oldest just completed her final classes, final paper, final exam, final everything with Georgetown Law. She has done it!

She has a job at a wonderful firm ahead. But today I am just loving this moment...how proud I am and how I admire her strength and commitment. She did this while raising, two babies, sweet girls now four and five. And while she would kill me if I published any numbers let me say she is in the top of her class. It is so wonderful to see the gifts of our children, ones that have nothing to do with our bragging rights but with their accomplishments. Of course I believe that she has the right combination of "good stuff" which I had some part in, but ultimately she took the ingredients mixed them up and decided who she would become.

Jackie's drive for excellence has always given me reason to be in awe, from running track in High School and at Syracuse, to graduating from Officer Candidate School in the Marine Corp to this wonderful day. It is a great feeling to sit and admire the person your child has become. I am so pleased to know this lovely woman, proud to be her mother and honored to call her friend. It is a good day when our children remind us to be amazed.

Mind Tapes...Obsessing...Hope!

I believe that everyone experiences some degree of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), for me it is the tapes that replay in my mind particularly at 3am. That worry tape that has a lot in common with Chicken Little. I had a friend once who told me that when I am worried I bring everything, EVERYTHING into the worry. I do! So I began to think about ways out of my obsessing.

The clock says 1:30am....here I am with my thoughts. A million negative and frightening thoughts: bills, the basement leaks, are the floors rotting, the lawn is a mess, the grandchildren need more attention, my son, my daughter, does my husband feel loved? what will I do about folks at the office who seem "stuck" in drama.

I stop and think about a dear friend Dr. Hamilton. He runs an organization called HOPE. How cool. He always talks about intention and looking for possibilities rather than fear. He talks about our guilty and fearful past. He also has often reminded me that fear is about something that has not happened, it is in the future...how to gain control over this moment and sleep? Stop the tapes, stop the worry. I make a list of the worries and try again to rest. When that fails I read, reading unlike surfing the net or watching tv takes a good deal of focus for me. I try to create the image of my most desired life...what does a perfect day look like. I bring up every moment, the smells, the air, the sunshine...all of it.

Some nights are better than others. Some days I can turn the tape off and others I can manage to only reduce the volume. But when I find a positive image, when I focus on good things in my life and rest in my faith I am able to hit the Mute button. Never easy but certainly better than not sleeping.

This is Dr Hamilton's site. I love this man he shares space at our complex in Maine. When he comes for a visit you are never the same, half an hour with him is a blessing. Good people indeed. http://www.hopehealing.org/Home.asp