Ladies,Ladies, Faith , Mercy and Grace

I have this dear friend, she is in pain. She is afraid...she will not write here --why I do not know she is a beautiful writer but her story is all of ours. She is sad and it is so hard because I completely understand the cold chill in her heart. She feels that her husband has drifted away, she worries why...despite her efforts to build their relationship he is not there. I struggle, as her friend, as a woman and as a lifetime care giver. What can I say that will matter?

When I have found myself cold, afraid and sad (I have been more than I would like to admit) words and advice often seem trite. While I love to hear my friends reminding me that I am special, must care for myself, should rest in my faith...I push it all away. My heart does not have the energy and my soul is tired and cold.

I do know, from years of living around a world of recovery, both the man I love and myself from depression, that these days require the simplest of plans. Grace and Mercy are available. Faith is easy--- surely at least two beautiful things offered before our eyes evidence this gift and all simply because we exist. One hour, one day, one moment at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other may sound cliche but trust me on this one: imperative!

When my second child was born with a serious brain defect and died I was amazed that days began to pass despite my tortured heart and self pity. Then there was a day when I realized I had experienced a moment of happiness, then another until life began anew. The Grace I needed, the ability to forgive myself, the mercy that warmed my heart all gathered and grew my faith. How sweet that these gifts were offered, simply because.....love and mercy, grace and faith. My heart whole again. I seek to share that fluffy warm sweater offered in Faith to me to my friend for her lonely walk today.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

A dear friend, who does not write here, (I keep trying) she is shy. Anyway she told me today...I do not know what I want to be when I grow up. While she is younger than me she is still an adult, with a great business she owns and runs and a beautiful family. When she said this today...I knew that, in truth, I often wonder if I am working and living out of my dreams or my passion.

I am pretty sure that at 8, 12, or 16 I did not think I would be the leader of a small nonprofit supporting people with disabilities. I did not even know many people with disabilities. I thought I would be a teacher then a vet. Well I am not.

I wonder how many of us are who we thought we would be. Are we happy with who we are....if not-then why not...and if we are then how do we manage that? I wonder if most people are who they really, really want to be. Do you think?

In the dark of the night, I practice hours of self talk "let go, relax, be in this place with peace, just be aware of the thoughts flying by...". Could I spend more time with fun dreams and wishful planning? I occasionally allow myself to dream. You know...day dream...the ones that you are fully aware you are creating...but sadly those are getting rare. Is it age? Do I no longer believe in dreams? Is this lack of possibility the very thing that makes my friend so nervous --she is not who she should be? What is left to dream of? Am I too old for the great American novel? Too tired to bring the world together for the greatest cause? Too cynical to believe in miracles? I am sad that I am not dreaming more and I would like to think I am still not what I want to be when I grow up!

GETTING TO HEALTHY! What did you Do Today?

Okay here we are. I am not putting much here. (thought the guy was kind of cute) The goal is to check in and keep each other accountable and try to find ways to get healthy again.

I will set up a TPC account with the local fitness center, Personal Best, so that employees can join for almost nothing...Nancy any time you want to make the trip! Hey and they have a bunch of classes that are only a little extra cash...I think she said a punch card of 10 is 25 dollars, not bad 2.50 per class for members. I am also making sure our consumers can use the gym, at least the ones who wish to. So we have that.

I think if we check in and push each other, share good ideas, and make this a priority we can do it. I have been using the Exercise TV show, on my computer when I am up north. I downloaded a bunch of work outs including the Jillian Micheal's ones (she is from the biggest loser) her workouts kick some serious buns. Yesterday I did her one hour work out. Now if I could give up the snacks at night I might make some head way!

Quote for Today

I have to share this quote...I have been reading and re-reading all week. I love the focus and I love the power that is given to each of us within these words. I also am profoundly reminded that it is absolutely critical to hang on to one's best self. (the picture is my son and me on vacation....sunshine!)

"When I think of nourishing the soul,I think of nourishing the ability to respond positively to life---that is, the ability to sustain passion for our interests, values and projects. I believe that the worst of all spiritual defeats is to lose enthusiasm for life's possibilities. "
Nathaniel Branden

Snowy Days, Pretty-- But really let's move on!!!

I want Spring. I love to see the trees this morning all covered in snow..much prettier than the dirty snow we have endured for the last few weeks. But! Seriously are we not ready for Spring? The bad news is that March can be a month of snow and cold so I suspect we have another month. What to do now?

How do people beat the winter blues? I become home bound, hate going out and having to leave a cozy warm seat and get into a cold car for a ride home. Snow also makes me want to be home, is that from all the years growing up with "snow days". Staying home and doing, well not much. I love warm comfort foods on snow days---chili, beef stew, a good pasta sauce or gravy for my Italian friends. Darn wish I did not have to work...Oh well, the trees are pretty and that is a good thing.

What do you do on Snow Days?

My body does not behave!

So what is up with the failure of my body? (that is not me by the way but she is in great shape...good to aspire to!) I walk more than a few miles and find myself pushing off the couch with both arms. Did I groan? I think I actually made that noise only my grandmother made when rising up. Great! I do twenty minutes of exercise...I highly recommend that Jillian woman from the TV show the Biggest Loser. She does some great work outs. Anyway I do this twenty minutes of exercise and wake up the next day in pain...everywhere. What is up with that? There was a day that only a 10 mile run would have left me, a little bit sore. That was in my thirties and early forties not a billion years ago. Here I sit at a mere 51 dragging from a 20 minute video. My goodness that is just pathetic.

So here is Tuesday morning and already I am negotiating with myself; the long work out or the short one, the hard one or the easy one, wait how about the ten minute one? Maybe I should do my work out this afternoon. I am not sure why I bother with this because I absolutely know that I must do this in the morning...the chance of success if I plan an afternoon workout is slim...very slim (unlike my body). But look the time is running out...what makes me hit the snooze...again and again....then sit with my cup of my coffee and lap top feeling ---oh so good. Exercise, yes I will but today I will do the easier guy with a much longer cool down!

Saturday Mornings

I love Saturday mornings. The weekend is still yet to come, there is nothing to dress for or prepare for. It is cleaning day, dump day, often Goodwill or Thrift store shopping. A perfect Saturday would include good coffee, yes many times during the week I will drink left over coffee but not on Saturday! I read of the local news and the editorials, catching up on personal emails and caring for the home front. If the world were only Saturdays what would life be like. I was recently listening to NPR about vacation and work weeks in Europe compared to the United States and I was stunned at how different our lifestyle is here in the ole US of A.

The whole question of work versus free time. The number of families where people work 2 or three jobs. How many of us began working by age 15. I was fourteen when I began paid work summers at Hampton Beach, been working ever since. Checking out the subject of work here is one interesting blogger:

I've touched on this before: The prevailing culture tells us that nothing succeeds like excess, that working 80 hours a week is better than working 70, that being plugged in 24/7 is expected, and that sleeping less and multi-tasking more are an express elevator to the top. (Link: http://www.alternet.org/workplace/110490/)


I so totally agree but wonder how do we get more Saturdays still? And if we could would we? I read another fun article --- starting the weekend on Wednesday:

Here's the big question of the season, then: Why don't we do as countless moralists urge every year and focus less on money and more on leisure (or spiritual concerns, if you must)? Why haven't we all decided to work less, spend less, and consume less?

There is an anti-consumer movement with a ready answer: We're helpless, enthralled by advertisers and hooked on shopping. I've always had a slightly more optimistic view of human autonomy.

(here is the link if you wish to read.. http://www.slate.com/id/2207406/)

I guess the truth is that I could have more Saturdays, in fact I work a four day work week now but hardly ever really take Friday off...I do like the option. I often feel overwhelmed by the pile of work I face during the week and use my spare time to clean up from the week. So what about culture drives that in me? Why can't I take time off without quilt. Now that might be worth more consideration.

Life gets hard, do we act with kindness or posture for a win?

Why do we not treat each other better? I have spent much time this past few weeks in self assessment. I have been put into the middle of chaos by no action of my own. But I am here and at the mercy of the opinion of others and the decisions of people for whom I have little to no respect. When I enter into conflict I have defense systems that flash into play like an F-18 fighter jet. If I sense people are attacking my core beliefs of fairness and dignity, my integrity or those I love. I am in fight ready mode. It is not pretty, nor always well thought out...it is reactive. I have a bite like a bulldog...I do not let go. I worry, really I do---I consider the possible dangerous of righteous indignation (is that where I am going) I worry that I will become immobile.

What do you do when people wrong you? wrong those you love? When the big guys push you down and one day you wake up with no tolerance. How do you fight the system without looking self serving or self righteous? How do you give up and walk away knowing someone has been hurt in the process and you have no solution? That is when my faith is tested and I struggle to stop, ask for mercy and grace. I try to ignore that little voice and remain engaged all systems go. That is my truth--- in all its ugliness. (Ps that is my daughter...hmm like mother like daughter)

Where is the Soul?

Over the past months I have read, talked and considered what we mean by the soul. What is my soul, where is it and how do I reach it? It is an interesting study and I would love to have some thoughts from all of you. Phrases that I have come across include: of purity of thought, spiritual nourishment, always present or the 'soul story'. Reaching the soul or speak with our soul requires, it seems fairly universal---quiet time, meditation or as one author put it; "I have come to appreciate that having an aesthetic eye takes me effortlessly into the soul" (Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD)--ah seeing a beautiful flower and really appreciating it for all its glory?

I read, I try to absorb and think it through and then I get lost. Some seem to suggest that our soul has lived forever and we are merely the keeper in our life time. I would assume that this leads to the belief that we have access to different lives.

Some seem to believe that the soul is about spirituality "I think we would be able to live in this world more peacefully if our spirituality were to come from looking not just into infinity but very closely at the world around us--and appreciating its depth and divinity" (Thomas Moore)
or even more "When your life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday life, something magical happens; ordinary life becomes extraordinary, and the very process of life begins to nourish your soul" (Rabbi Kushner)

Ultimately I do find that if I can shut the noise down in my head, the negative voices or the loud clashing self demanding lady that lives in my brain, I am happier. But still I am wondering how do I know my soul and am I nourishing it? How do I know? Do you know?