Monday - Monday

The sun is just peeking over the horizon and from my bedroom the big ball of yellow and orange makes it hard to see my key board. Generally I have little use for Monday mornings but this Monday is sweet. It was an amazing weekend. Spending time with my horses, grandgirlies and my family. I plan to carry this warm feeling with me through the week.  A trip to visit my Champ on the way in to the office, then baby Joey (the yearling rescue) and off to work.  There is something truly unique about spending time with horses and horse people. Mind you there is huge dysfunction and the same life issues with all of us but the animals, in all their mythical presence make the difference.

I rode yesterday on a friends horse (Champ is almost ready to ride after his lameness). Just feeling the warm sun the the sweet rhythm of a walk along the trail made my whole day. A slow trot here and the time flew by. I love being on the trails, the friendly hello to other riders, walkers and runners. The smell of flowers and grass and even dirt. It all feels so right. I am pretty certain I was a cowgirl in a prior life. The saddle is home and the horse is my train. Just love it.

So here is to Monday!

Wednesday - Inventory

So yesterday toward the end of the day I found myself in a tizzy...yes a Tizzy! I am not exactly sure at what moment I turned the switch but it was not pretty. I find it interesting how I absorb so much all day long, listen to conversations, complaints, problems and criticism and manage to move along fine until one simple moment. That was yesterday. In a clinical setting I suppose I could be looking for triggers...what are the things that send me over the edge?

A short list:

• someone I love is hurting and despite my best efforts I nave no ability to fix
• being financially insecure most of the time
• someone who has done bad things continues to influence others negatively
• injustice at any level 
• false prophets at any level...those who bolster and pretend (even when they are unaware)
• gossip

Now in full disclosure I am guilty of all of the above at one time or another. Perhaps my acute reactions to some of these are due to my personal distaste for these in myself. I know that daily I let myself down when am unable-unwilling to complete my own 'to do" list and live by my own standards. But alas yesterday I found the tipping point and let anger and frustration consume me. Far easier to do than to be brave and speak my misgivings, forgive others and ultimately myself. 

Today will start with a longer walk, a longer stretch and semi-yoga session and prayer. I want to find the silver lining in the daily activities. I need to believe I am following my path and it is where I am called to be.  Toberman, Horses, Los Angeles, grand babies (7 and 8), caregiver (Mom), parent to adult children and wife to a man on the opposite coast.  Here is to Wednesday!

MONDAY

So here we are Monday morning. A birthday should never be on a Monday, particularly one that is already depressing. This Monday has a few sad notes...it is Monday, I am older, I am blue. I have decided to make a few substantial changes to my small world. Taking better care of my darn expensive teeth, more exercise, more time with my horse, relaxing with tea in the evenings, reading and being grateful more often.

It is so amazing to me how often I feel fear and shame about my life. I am not talking the big stuff but the daily little "notes to self" that make me crazy. Things such as: you did not call the doctor for a follow appointment...Again, follow up with the IRS...Again, I need to call Mom's doctor and her home care agency (been on the list for weeks), how come I cannot keep my car insurance and registration straight?, and create a damn birthday calendar so that you will not forget the special days of your friends! It is a continual loop of self doubt and I know better.

I think this year I will work even harder to recognize the dogs barking and keep them at bay. I figure at this point in life I am not going to pick up the traits of an organized, detailed person perhaps I should embrace the person I am and get over it. I am thinking that should be enough. Yup it makes me smile so let's go with it. Cheers to another blessed and crazy year.

Learning to be me again!

Okay so for all those who feel compelled to live for everyone else I have a news flash (really for myself). It does not work, it is not healthy and it is really not selflessness, it is some kind of weird need based in fear. I realize that I have lived in a certain amount of fear my whole life. I recently found this amazing rental in a beautiful place in sunny southern California and I love it. However more frequently than I would like to admit I worry about having to move. Fear, doubt, glass half full all very familiar to me. So I think I have spent much of my life living in fear and caring for everyone else. Unwilling to hurt others but hurting myself and in the end all of us. But for a period of time this "co-dependent weirdness" allowed me to attach to something real or not. I think anyway.

Here is the last two and a half years in a snap shot. I moved to the west coast to be with my daughter and her two little girls, my adorable grandchildren. I wanted to help her make the transition to a big law firm job and give them support. I love them all dearly and am very close to the grandchildren as they lived close or with me on and off for years. I got lost in the mix of living with them, with my mother and not finding space and time for me. No time to read, to write, to walk with my dog or to be Debbie. I told myself I was making a sacrifice, well no I was feeding my own need to care for and be loved. I was not giving the best of me...the best of me comes out when I am purposefully living my days, letting go of guilt and anger. I lost a few years being lost. Not exactly clear I know but that is how I feel. I love them all so much but felt like I did not give them what I love most about me. I am a free spirit with lots of quirks and a significant lack of discipline. I adore animals, nature, reading, and great live theater. I have some catching up to do.

I have a new amazing home with just my Mom (still need someone right?). This is the view from my window each morning. When the fear that the owner will sell and I will have to leave sneaks in I am saying "hello fear" and move on to enjoy the view. Today it is raining and still it smells sweet and looks great. In putting these words here I am back to a small piece of my own process for life. I am working on gratitude and happiness. This old lady has some new tricks to learn.

2012 What a Year

2012 What a year

So here it is the last day of 2012! While I am certain wonderful things happened in 2012 not too many come to mind. I am actually okay with this year passing. The general glum feeling I have experienced this year leaves a bitter taste. Perhaps I am putting too much emphasis on the holidays,  the height of the lows. I struggle even now to make this post but decided that a whole year could not go by without something in my blog. I suppose the lack of entries speak volumes about my state of mind.

2012 was a new job year, lots learned in a new world. I gained insight into poverty and violence that left me sad. The needs of people left me wondering how we, I, live in this affluent world and others suffer so greatly. And yet I also learned of great resiliency...families that hold together despite great odds and live with multiple generations in small spaces. And....they find happy spaces and maintain traditions and hope. Where does that come from? My new job also has been the greatest challenge to my abilities to date. I took on a turn around that had been created  by years of  mismanagement. The depth of which I underestimated. While I have been a successful leader bringing this one back from disaster has been almost impossible. Of course it also brought to me all the usual self doubt and denigration I am so fond of.

2012 marked another year of living coast to coast with my hubby. Makes me sad and that is all I can say.

2012 marked the year of living in tight quarters with my extended family and allowed me a front row seat into my personal dysfunctions. My vulnerabilities and my fears all blew up into silent and sneaky goblins lurking in the corners of my world. I found myself countless times sad with ostensibly no reason and too often watched the clock for five pm Wine Time! I did not go to the gym yet I continue to pay monthly for the privilege. And I never began Yoga but thought of it often, generally to remind myself that I am not good at follow through when it matters for me.

2012 was a hard, very hard year for some in my family and all my co-dependent cells circled my body and crippled me at times. Watching a person you love fall into despair and helplessness must be one of the circles of hell. Up and down, waiting and watching for the crash. destruction and chaos. Fearful and sad. Nuff said.

2012 was the year I began to ride horses again. For months I took lessons, got yelled at, gained confidence and rented horses to ride in Burbank. I sunk into the familiar smells of the barn like a bigdown blanket. The feel of leather, saddles, bridles and the softness of a horse muzzle all brought me to a place of peaceful retreat. Thank God! I rescued a race horse, he is a love. Not always perfect after all he is a thoroughbred.  A wise man, Javier, at the horse rental place once said " those thoroughbreds are 90% crazy". He was likely correct but my Champ is really only about 10% crazy. He is a love, kind and sweet. He has given me challenges, endless hours of fun on the trails and new friends who also love horses. Mostly a group of middle aged women. A curious thing indeed. It became my life boat for 2012!

2012 is almost over and I am glad. This holiday has been hard I suspect mostly because I am in a change mode. All the things I have allowed to burden me, hold me back, my self pity and loneliness are checking in. They are saying enough of this lady. So I look for a new place to live with Mom, she is a fixture at 85 and a joy (mostly). A place close enough to keep riding with the grand babies and enjoy visits. Close enough to have my children join me for dinners and walks and poolside chats. But on my own enough to build my home, my pictures, my smells, my rugs, my safe place. I will continue to love my hubby so many miles away and accept that he has things to do and I will make every effort to save this nonprofit from failure. ( I know I can) And I will celebrate 2013. Maybe I will go to the gym, take yoga or learn to line dance...definitely return to church and ride my Champ along the 90 miles of Palos Verdes.  Mostly I will forgive myself and the folks I love for  not being perfect.

Happy New Year and so long 2012!

Holidays

SO here we go folks! The holiday season is upon us and while the world seems to be in a financial spiral people are shopping in droves. What is that about?

I am guessing it is influence of the media, needing to keep up with the neighbors or maybe just needing to feel you deserve it. We believe that we must have all those things that are flashed in front of us daily on TV, print media and yup now social media.

So we shop even when we cannot afford to and we feed the money machines...it is a vicious cycle.

Check out this news...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-12-13/u-s-retail-sales-climb-less-than-forecast-at-slowest-pace-in-five-months.html

It is a bit scary that this surge in spending also marked a significant drop in savings. But for some of us who live pay check to pay check savings are barely part of the equation. Still I find myself drawn to the idea that toys must be purchased for the little ones. This year I have convinced my oldest grand daughter that she wants a pasta maker...it is after all her favorite food. This to me is a reasonable gift as it will allow for productive use all year long. The little one stills seem hooked on barbie dolls...so for now that might be necessary.

What I have shared with them is the idea that we should all spend more time helping those less fortunate. They both had a great time shopping with their mom for a family in need in Los Angeles. I was proud of them all.

So while we are pulled to by the fantastic array of available products that we simply must have keep in mind all those who do not have. Maybe drop a dollar or two in the Salvation Army or purchase that ten dollar bag of food that is ready made at your local supermarket. It matters now more than ever. And maybe we can look into what big corporate machine we are feeding? Buying local is a good idea. Currently I am looking for someone who makes furniture for American Doll girls...really the junk they have is unbelievable! I would rather support a home business. But the temptation to simply click and ship is huge.

Working on it...trying to keep Holidays in perspective and remember that I am the 99%.

Where have I been? Following Occupy

My goodness I have been away from this blog for so long. I am thinking a bit of depression, overwhelmed? Not really certain. However I have to share a new interest that has taken some of my free time. I am addicted to following the Occupy groups on Twitter. I am fascinated with the movement and all it represents.

I love the conversation. I like that it does not have form or clarity of direction. I like that it is based on a swelling dissatisfaction. I too feel unhappy with the way of the world. I have been part of that group of folks who have had their mortgage sold a million times and have dealt with some companies of poor reputation. I have seen my savings dwindle and worried about the future. I have watched the disparity between the wealthy and the rest. I sense that it is wrong, I feel morally that with all the wealth in our country children should not go without food and medical care. It baffles me. But like the Occupy folks I do not have answers. I have questions, I know that there are funds being spent in ways that make no sense. I know that it is wrong that some companies make billions while the front line workers are considered greedy for wanting a share. So I am interested and watch with intrigue as this movement grows and its voice gains a presence in the national conversation.

I suspect a piece of this is from my history. I was so young witnessing the demonstrations of the 60's (really young) but I remember them. I recall the anti war demonstrations later in life. What I really was struck by in both cases was that when "the people" finally spoke the government listened. It is my hope that at least some of the folks in power are listening now. We are a better people than the current trends would suggest. We need the middle class, as fickle and unpredictable as we may be.

I encourage folks to keep their hearts and minds open as this young movement speaks.

A Lady I met

I was walking back from a meeting and passed a women sitting on a bench in front of Starbucks. While the weather was very warm she wore several layers of clothing and carried a large suitcase. Her face was wrinkled and her eyes looked watery, a bit red and tired, She was smoking the stub of a cigarette.

As I passed she waved her hand and asked "do you have any money to spare?" I was happy to be at the end of my day and partly thought ...just keep walking. But I turned and sat on the bench next to her. Her eyes lit a bit. I told her that I was broke and was not sure I had any cash on me (I often do not have cash). I pulled out my wallet and I had five one dollar bills...I handed them to her. She smiled, then pulled a couple out and said "Here you keep those you is broke". I felt so warmed by her offer back..I let her know that my broke meant I needed to go to the ATM and surely she could have all five dollars. Of course she blessed me. I walked away and thought yes dear I am blessed.

No matter how that five dollars was spent I knew at that moment I experienced a much greater gift than she did. I was reminded that the human condition, even on the hardest of days, has love and hope at the core. I felt a joy that stayed in my heart. Thank you Ms. Lady!

BobBob aka Grandpa! TOO FUNNY

What grandfathers do for the little ones Lexie and Skyler! My husband is so funny. For the past year while the children have lived on the west coast and he on he east they have shared hopes for a jet pack to visit. Bob created these videos for them.

They speak for themselves. I just loved it!

First attempt:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bbdVdyjumM&feature=related

Second attempt:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os1vLkgBG4g&feature=youtu.be

I love this guy.

Be Still

So here I am ...trying with all my heart to be still. When my heart is heavy and my anxiety high being still is the thing I find most difficult. I want to take action and fix my sorry state. I want to be actively engaged to be anywhere other than where I am so why must I be still?

I am reminded of "Be still and know that I am God", I am reminded of "Be still my Heart" and the Zen practice of stillness, allow the thoughts to move past and just rest quietly open and trusting. I am fully aware that only in the stillness will I be able to see clearly. Moving and action blurs my vision.

So I sit allowing myself to hear the world around me, taking note but letting it pass. It is so amazing how many sounds: people talking, the water bubbling in the fish tank, the dogs toe nails on the wood floor, the cars passing, a faint bird, a plane overhead....wow it is amazing that I ever hear any single thing above all this noise. Did I mention the noise in my own head...my words: how long has it been, why am I tuning to one person talking, let go, move on ....Being still is a trip! Worthwhile.

Another day.

Me and Bobby

A visit has ended and with the rising sun I feel dark. Living apart from my husband only makes sense on some days. I live here because of my grand babies, because we are supposed to be reunited within the year, because I am making a living here ....but in the end it still sucks.

I watch the clock ticking and think of the years that I have left-this started happening on my 50th birthday. I am aware, more than ever, that this is temporary. My family history of Alzheimer's disease taints my view of old age. It is almost certain that I carry the gene and will experience significant memory loss long before my body gives out. What do I do with the years I have left...twenty maybe a few more or less. As Bobby disappears into the security line and I pull away from the curb at LAX I am completely aware that this is not how I want to live. I miss our life, or silly simple life.

I miss the certainty of my youth when I knew that one more promotion would make me happy, owning my own home would create security and being pretty mattered. I look to my verse for the day pondering how the Lord will establish me and protect me from the evil one. I hang here on that word...evil. I am grateful to be loved and that is where I will rest today.

Live every moment, enjoy every sunrise and enjoy the magnificent person you are!

Who does this? I ask because it seems I should, I certainly can aspire to be this person but my shortcoming in this endeavor is huge. I am not this person. I start and stop...become unconscious of the beauty around me and feel a hunger for something more. I forget to watch the sun quietly repeat its daily circle above my head. I am not at all confident that I am a magnificent person.

Today I attended church for the first time in too long...I picked a church from my smart phone directory of churches close by. I intended to find a large enough place to be lost in the crowd and quietly re-acquaint myself with organized worship. I found a pretty little Lutheran church just a mile away...it was pretty inside..something you would find in a small New England town, pine beams and small stained glass windows. And I was one of maybe 20 people in the church that probably only seats 100. I could smell the age of the building, not a bad smell but one of a building left empty for more hours than it is full. We sang many older hymns with only an organ and I sang, something I often do not do in the larger churches. The scripture as always fit the day Isaiah 55; 1-5.....

¹ “Come, all you who are thirsty,

come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. ² Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. ³ Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. ⁴ See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a ruler and commander of the peoples. ⁵ Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations you do not know will come running to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor.”

It is interesting what happens when you stop and listen. When you let the call of your heart pull you. I found myself in prayer after communion with tears in my eyes...It was not sadness it was grace. I am still not sure I believe I am magnificent but I believe I am a daughter of God and he loves me, that is magnificent. Enough for today!

Fourth of July, Family, Freedom...life

Sunday with Bobby my kids, their family and friends and Mom...a good day. Burgers on the grill and all the appropriate fixings even watermelon. We played basketball, catch (softball) and hung out on our funky little street right in the middle of West LA. Trees line our street, small cute little homes and hardly ever do cars come on our street. It is a unique place considering that one block from us are two busy, busy streets and the City.

Today I try to hang on to the day as Bob flies back to Maine and we all begin our "normal" life. I spent most of the day in bed or sitting on the couch with the exception of two dog walks. It felt like that kind of day after dropping Bob at LAX early in the morning. I felt lonely and sad. I worked hard to be okay with those feelings and just be.

Why is it always hard to savor the good times and not resent the return to normal. Why is that? So why am I not grateful for the life I am able to live? I have freedom...I choose what to do and where to live. I am so blessed. Why does that escape me? It should not. I am honored to live in a place where young men and women sacrifice their freedom, their lives to ensure that I am able to celebrate the 4th with my family. I am able to put a flag on my yard or not. I am able to live in Los Angeles or Maine...all of this is for me to decide. I have family around me and I am able to drop into a moment watching my son play ball with my son in law and then have a catch with Bob. I can pick up a glove and share a catch with Bob and for a few moments there is nothing else that exists: him with his glove (a very short distance away) and me with my glove. He smiles as I throw the ball, like a girl I am afraid. I smile that I am catching his throws, placed I am certain well within my reach. But there we are in the middle of a little street with trees and neighbors and happiness all around us. That scene, that afternoon is what causes my heart to ache today. I feel guilty...I want to savor that memory with gratitude. I want to feel honored that so many have sacrificed so that I could have that moment. Perhaps my awareness of all of this is enough.

Freedom, family and the 4th--- yup that is Life!

Mom is returning to childhood!

This video was shared with my by a friend. As Mom forgets hour to hour what is happening in her life this struck me. There are moments when I find myself angry or snapping at her questions. "Is the coffee ready?" five minutes later..."Is the coffee ready?"

The guilt, the sadness, the frustration, I do not want her to regress to childhood...and yet I know in my heart I am blessed to share it all with her. So take a minute to watch this...it is worth it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o

Morning in California

I am from New England, still own a house in Maine but for the last year have lived and worked in Los Angeles. No I could not have started with a milder place such as San Diego or the Bay Area...I am right in the heart of LA. The beautiful tree lined street I call home backs up to two major roads that led to all things: Century City, Downtown and Hollywood. I can walk to a Mall that by LA standards is small. This Mall is large, three levels with every store you can imagine, movie theaters great restaurants and a funky fun little Wine bar. Life in LA seems somewhat surreal to me. My house has a back enclosed patio (necessary for LA living) and a front year with a small container garden. Currently I am researching tomato plants as they have consumed most of my available space. I have a little white fence and here is the best part---parking room for three cars!!! (my driveway in Maine could easily hold 8!

As I write this my Corgi, Miss Hannah, sleeps at my feet and my six year old granddaughter is to my left (taking up way more space then her little body should). My fish aquarium set up for the 5 and 6 year old hums as the air pump bubbles (they like the mountain that makes bubbles). I can hear the traffic just beginning to move on Pico and Westwood. It is relatively quiet for a city. Oh yes the temp is 70 degrees, it will be slightly overcast this morning and sunny this afternoon. It is 70 almost every day.

I like it here. I miss Maine but family is here. My two grandchildren, my mother who lives with me and both of my children. My hubby still is living coast to coast, arriving next week for his monthly stay. Thank goodness he does the majority of the flying!

So I guess warm weather, beautiful mountains, the ocean a few miles away is doable. Today, right this minute it is perfect.

Wednesday...almost there..BUT Really?

So here is my question why does Wednesday feel good even when we know that the work week never ends? It is clear that with a million mobile devices we work 24/7. I current carry a blackberry (despite my children's dismay that I it is not an i-phone), have a net book (for ease to carry), a lap top, and a color nook (needed color for children's books and for me the Internet). I am constantly checking and re-checking my email. I feel obliged to work when others are working and when I ignore I feel badly. So what...really what does Wednesday mean anymore?

Perhaps our training as children remains through life, September through June are hard working months and summer is vacation, weekends are time off and holidays are for large dinners. I am unsure but I am certain that Wednesday feels good and I will work on the weekend but just a little less.

My Favorite Song beautifully Sung!

I love this song. It is such a beautiful lyric and music. The words are so amazing and honest. I think today it makes me feel closer to my one hallelujah Missing my hubby and best bud but knowing that the choice to care for family is a right one.

I hope that this Easter we are experience rebirth and newness of our faith. I know it is a blessing that we should be thankful for each day and yet this day brings our focus to God's best gift. I love today and I pray to keep its magic in my heart all year. Blessings to All.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE&feature=related

Vacation, Maine and LIfe

Who would have thought that vacation would mean coming to Maine? While the weather here is not nearly as warm as Southern Cal it the clear blue sky and sunshine is beautiful. After nearly a year in LA I am certain that cold weather is not for me, BUT I sure do love my big back yard in Maine. I look out the bedroom window and view my grassy yard and trees with envy. There are no big yards in LA, well none that an ordinary citizen could afford. Looking at the forest floor covered in leaves and visible after a long winter. There are no leaves or low brush blooming to hide the dead Pines, the tiny yellow dots (softballs hit for dogs of ages past still sitting in hidden spots, and the little baby pine trying desperately to reach for sunshine. None of these things will be visible in a month or two.

My grandchildren love our woods, they have fairy huts hidden at the base of many a tall Pine, they have little bridges made of broken branches and pieces of old tree trunks. They venture out and never want to return despite my pleas. I become insistent once my feet are cold and wet.

Today I sit and wonder how we come to the places we end up in. I yearn to plant a garden (with absolutely no real skill), I want to walk along the shores of Dead Duck beach (Great Bay) and I want to think of nothing important. Ah that is vacation huh? At 52 I think I am beginning to want more vacation and less hard work. Yup it is official Maine is the way life should be. I sure do miss it. But this is spring, summer is around the corner...and then.....

Happy Spring Maine!

Mom is getting older!

While this is not really news today is feels heavy on my heart. Mom is 83 and she has had significant memory loss for the past several years. But suddenly in the last few months she has made a change. She is harder to motivate, more difficult to get out of bed and complains more. She feels "sicky" frequently and I suspect her muscles ache from lack of use. It is sad.

I wonder sometimes, what will I do without Mom. Dad passed a year ago December after several years in a nursing home. But Mom is with me, she has been for some time now. She even moved across country to Los Angeles last June. I watch her, listen to her sighs and while I know that she is blessed with Grandchildren around (one sleeps with her regularly ..sneaky child). I know that she enjoys the family around and she loves the Corgi called Hannah who, as Mom eats less seems to be getting fatter? Still in the moments when I enter her room and she is hard to wake I feel a start, a skip in my heart and for a brief minute feel the reality of her time in this world.

Taking care of Mom is complicated. It is also an honor.

If I were a wealthy woman!

I would ride horses again if I were wealthy.

I would feed the homeless if I were wealthy.

I would feed children the right foods if I were wealthy.

I would walk five miles everyday if I were wealthy (presuming I also did not have to work to be so).

I would find one person everyday to give a surprise to if I were wealthy.

I would take care of animals that wander the streets alone and scared.

I would read at least one inspirational thing each day.

I would read the Bible, ALL of it.

I would take my family back to Pine Island.

I would remember everyday what it is like to be poor.

As I started this exercise it was just a Monday morning "I wish I was wealthy" but as I finished I realized it was much more. In these statements there is so much about life choices. I feel it is worth of reflection. What would you do if you were wealthy?