2012 What a year
So here it is the last day of 2012! While I am certain wonderful things happened in 2012 not too many come to mind. I am actually okay with this year passing. The general glum feeling I have experienced this year leaves a bitter taste. Perhaps I am putting too much emphasis on the holidays, the height of the lows. I struggle even now to make this post but decided that a whole year could not go by without something in my blog. I suppose the lack of entries speak volumes about my state of mind.
2012 was a new job year, lots learned in a new world. I gained insight into poverty and violence that left me sad. The needs of people left me wondering how we, I, live in this affluent world and others suffer so greatly. And yet I also learned of great resiliency...families that hold together despite great odds and live with multiple generations in small spaces. And....they find happy spaces and maintain traditions and hope. Where does that come from? My new job also has been the greatest challenge to my abilities to date. I took on a turn around that had been created by years of mismanagement. The depth of which I underestimated. While I have been a successful leader bringing this one back from disaster has been almost impossible. Of course it also brought to me all the usual self doubt and denigration I am so fond of.
2012 marked another year of living coast to coast with my hubby. Makes me sad and that is all I can say.
2012 marked the year of living in tight quarters with my extended family and allowed me a front row seat into my personal dysfunctions. My vulnerabilities and my fears all blew up into silent and sneaky goblins lurking in the corners of my world. I found myself countless times sad with ostensibly no reason and too often watched the clock for five pm Wine Time! I did not go to the gym yet I continue to pay monthly for the privilege. And I never began Yoga but thought of it often, generally to remind myself that I am not good at follow through when it matters for me.
2012 was a hard, very hard year for some in my family and all my co-dependent cells circled my body and crippled me at times. Watching a person you love fall into despair and helplessness must be one of the circles of hell. Up and down, waiting and watching for the crash. destruction and chaos. Fearful and sad. Nuff said.
2012 was the year I began to ride horses again. For months I took lessons, got yelled at, gained confidence and rented horses to ride in Burbank. I sunk into the familiar smells of the barn like a bigdown blanket. The feel of leather, saddles, bridles and the softness of a horse muzzle all brought me to a place of peaceful retreat. Thank God! I rescued a race horse, he is a love. Not always perfect after all he is a thoroughbred. A wise man, Javier, at the horse rental place once said " those thoroughbreds are 90% crazy". He was likely correct but my Champ is really only about 10% crazy. He is a love, kind and sweet. He has given me challenges, endless hours of fun on the trails and new friends who also love horses. Mostly a group of middle aged women. A curious thing indeed. It became my life boat for 2012!
2012 is almost over and I am glad. This holiday has been hard I suspect mostly because I am in a change mode. All the things I have allowed to burden me, hold me back, my self pity and loneliness are checking in. They are saying enough of this lady. So I look for a new place to live with Mom, she is a fixture at 85 and a joy (mostly). A place close enough to keep riding with the grand babies and enjoy visits. Close enough to have my children join me for dinners and walks and poolside chats. But on my own enough to build my home, my pictures, my smells, my rugs, my safe place. I will continue to love my hubby so many miles away and accept that he has things to do and I will make every effort to save this nonprofit from failure. ( I know I can) And I will celebrate 2013. Maybe I will go to the gym, take yoga or learn to line dance...definitely return to church and ride my Champ along the 90 miles of Palos Verdes. Mostly I will forgive myself and the folks I love for not being perfect.
Happy New Year and so long 2012!
2012 was a new job year, lots learned in a new world. I gained insight into poverty and violence that left me sad. The needs of people left me wondering how we, I, live in this affluent world and others suffer so greatly. And yet I also learned of great resiliency...families that hold together despite great odds and live with multiple generations in small spaces. And....they find happy spaces and maintain traditions and hope. Where does that come from? My new job also has been the greatest challenge to my abilities to date. I took on a turn around that had been created by years of mismanagement. The depth of which I underestimated. While I have been a successful leader bringing this one back from disaster has been almost impossible. Of course it also brought to me all the usual self doubt and denigration I am so fond of.
2012 marked another year of living coast to coast with my hubby. Makes me sad and that is all I can say.
2012 marked the year of living in tight quarters with my extended family and allowed me a front row seat into my personal dysfunctions. My vulnerabilities and my fears all blew up into silent and sneaky goblins lurking in the corners of my world. I found myself countless times sad with ostensibly no reason and too often watched the clock for five pm Wine Time! I did not go to the gym yet I continue to pay monthly for the privilege. And I never began Yoga but thought of it often, generally to remind myself that I am not good at follow through when it matters for me.
2012 was a hard, very hard year for some in my family and all my co-dependent cells circled my body and crippled me at times. Watching a person you love fall into despair and helplessness must be one of the circles of hell. Up and down, waiting and watching for the crash. destruction and chaos. Fearful and sad. Nuff said.
2012 was the year I began to ride horses again. For months I took lessons, got yelled at, gained confidence and rented horses to ride in Burbank. I sunk into the familiar smells of the barn like a bigdown blanket. The feel of leather, saddles, bridles and the softness of a horse muzzle all brought me to a place of peaceful retreat. Thank God! I rescued a race horse, he is a love. Not always perfect after all he is a thoroughbred. A wise man, Javier, at the horse rental place once said " those thoroughbreds are 90% crazy". He was likely correct but my Champ is really only about 10% crazy. He is a love, kind and sweet. He has given me challenges, endless hours of fun on the trails and new friends who also love horses. Mostly a group of middle aged women. A curious thing indeed. It became my life boat for 2012!
Happy New Year and so long 2012!
Posts
