Sisterhood of the Perpetually Dissatisfied

Holidays

2011-12-13T11:26:00.006-05:00

SO here we go folks! The holiday season is upon us and while the world seems to be in a financial spiral people are shopping in droves. What is that about?

I am guessing it is influence of the media, needing to keep up with the neighbors or maybe just needing to feel you deserve it. We believe that we must have all those things that are flashed in front of us daily on TV, print media and yup now social media.

So we shop even when we cannot afford to and we feed the money machines...it is a vicious cycle.

Check out this news...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-12-13/u-s-retail-sales-climb-less-than-forecast-at-slowest-pace-in-five-months.html

It is a bit scary that this surge in spending also marked a significant drop in savings. But for some of us who live pay check to pay check savings are barely part of the equation. Still I find myself drawn to the idea that toys must be purchased for the little ones. This year I have convinced my oldest grand daughter that she wants a pasta maker...it is after all her favorite food. This to me is a reasonable gift as it will allow for productive use all year long. The little one stills seem hooked on barbie dolls...so for now that might be necessary.

What I have shared with them is the idea that we should all spend more time helping those less fortunate. They both had a great time shopping with their mom for a family in need in Los Angeles. I was proud of them all.

So while we are pulled to by the fantastic array of available products that we simply must have keep in mind all those who do not have. Maybe drop a dollar or two in the Salvation Army or purchase that ten dollar bag of food that is ready made at your local supermarket. It matters now more than ever. And maybe we can look into what big corporate machine we are feeding? Buying local is a good idea. Currently I am looking for someone who makes furniture for American Doll girls...really the junk they have is unbelievable! I would rather support a home business. But the temptation to simply click and ship is huge.

Working on it...trying to keep Holidays in perspective and remember that I am the 99%.

Where have I been? Following Occupy

2011-12-02T11:45:00.003-05:00

My goodness I have been away from this blog for so long. I am thinking a bit of depression, overwhelmed? Not really certain. However I have to share a new interest that has taken some of my free time. I am addicted to following the Occupy groups on Twitter. I am fascinated with the movement and all it represents.

I love the conversation. I like that it does not have form or clarity of direction. I like that it is based on a swelling dissatisfaction. I too feel unhappy with the way of the world. I have been part of that group of folks who have had their mortgage sold a million times and have dealt with some companies of poor reputation. I have seen my savings dwindle and worried about the future. I have watched the disparity between the wealthy and the rest. I sense that it is wrong, I feel morally that with all the wealth in our country children should not go without food and medical care. It baffles me. But like the Occupy folks I do not have answers. I have questions, I know that there are funds being spent in ways that make no sense. I know that it is wrong that some companies make billions while the front line workers are considered greedy for wanting a share. So I am interested and watch with intrigue as this movement grows and its voice gains a presence in the national conversation.

I suspect a piece of this is from my history. I was so young witnessing the demonstrations of the 60's (really young) but I remember them. I recall the anti war demonstrations later in life. What I really was struck by in both cases was that when "the people" finally spoke the government listened. It is my hope that at least some of the folks in power are listening now. We are a better people than the current trends would suggest. We need the middle class, as fickle and unpredictable as we may be.

I encourage folks to keep their hearts and minds open as this young movement speaks.

A Lady I met

2011-10-12T09:49:00.002-04:00

I was walking back from a meeting and passed a women sitting on a bench in front of Starbucks. While the weather was very warm she wore several layers of clothing and carried a large suitcase. Her face was wrinkled and her eyes looked watery, a bit red and tired, She was smoking the stub of a cigarette.

As I passed she waved her hand and asked "do you have any money to spare?" I was happy to be at the end of my day and partly thought ...just keep walking. But I turned and sat on the bench next to her. Her eyes lit a bit. I told her that I was broke and was not sure I had any cash on me (I often do not have cash). I pulled out my wallet and I had five one dollar bills...I handed them to her. She smiled, then pulled a couple out and said "Here you keep those you is broke". I felt so warmed by her offer back..I let her know that my broke meant I needed to go to the ATM and surely she could have all five dollars. Of course she blessed me. I walked away and thought yes dear I am blessed.

No matter how that five dollars was spent I knew at that moment I experienced a much greater gift than she did. I was reminded that the human condition, even on the hardest of days, has love and hope at the core. I felt a joy that stayed in my heart. Thank you Ms. Lady!

BobBob aka Grandpa! TOO FUNNY

2011-09-25T13:23:00.003-04:00

What grandfathers do for the little ones Lexie and Skyler! My husband is so funny. For the past year while the children have lived on the west coast and he on he east they have shared hopes for a jet pack to visit. Bob created these videos for them.

They speak for themselves. I just loved it!

First attempt:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bbdVdyjumM&feature=related

Second attempt:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os1vLkgBG4g&feature=youtu.be

I love this guy.

Be Still

2011-09-06T10:50:00.003-04:00

So here I am ...trying with all my heart to be still. When my heart is heavy and my anxiety high being still is the thing I find most difficult. I want to take action and fix my sorry state. I want to be actively engaged to be anywhere other than where I am so why must I be still?

I am reminded of "Be still and know that I am God", I am reminded of "Be still my Heart" and the Zen practice of stillness, allow the thoughts to move past and just rest quietly open and trusting. I am fully aware that only in the stillness will I be able to see clearly. Moving and action blurs my vision.

So I sit allowing myself to hear the world around me, taking note but letting it pass. It is so amazing how many sounds: people talking, the water bubbling in the fish tank, the dogs toe nails on the wood floor, the cars passing, a faint bird, a plane overhead....wow it is amazing that I ever hear any single thing above all this noise. Did I mention the noise in my own head...my words: how long has it been, why am I tuning to one person talking, let go, move on ....Being still is a trip! Worthwhile.

Another day.

Me and Bobby

2011-09-05T11:06:00.003-04:00

A visit has ended and with the rising sun I feel dark. Living apart from my husband only makes sense on some days. I live here because of my grand babies, because we are supposed to be reunited within the year, because I am making a living here ....but in the end it still sucks.

I watch the clock ticking and think of the years that I have left-this started happening on my 50th birthday. I am aware, more than ever, that this is temporary. My family history of Alzheimer's disease taints my view of old age. It is almost certain that I carry the gene and will experience significant memory loss long before my body gives out. What do I do with the years I have left...twenty maybe a few more or less. As Bobby disappears into the security line and I pull away from the curb at LAX I am completely aware that this is not how I want to live. I miss our life, or silly simple life.

I miss the certainty of my youth when I knew that one more promotion would make me happy, owning my own home would create security and being pretty mattered. I look to my verse for the day pondering how the Lord will establish me and protect me from the evil one. I hang here on that word...evil. I am grateful to be loved and that is where I will rest today.

Live every moment, enjoy every sunrise and enjoy the magnificent person you are!

2011-07-31T12:55:00.004-04:00

Who does this? I ask because it seems I should, I certainly can aspire to be this person but my shortcoming in this endeavor is huge. I am not this person. I start and stop...become unconscious of the beauty around me and feel a hunger for something more. I forget to watch the sun quietly repeat its daily circle above my head. I am not at all confident that I am a magnificent person.

Today I attended church for the first time in too long...I picked a church from my smart phone directory of churches close by. I intended to find a large enough place to be lost in the crowd and quietly re-acquaint myself with organized worship. I found a pretty little Lutheran church just a mile away...it was pretty inside..something you would find in a small New England town, pine beams and small stained glass windows. And I was one of maybe 20 people in the church that probably only seats 100. I could smell the age of the building, not a bad smell but one of a building left empty for more hours than it is full. We sang many older hymns with only an organ and I sang, something I often do not do in the larger churches. The scripture as always fit the day Isaiah 55; 1-5.....

¹ “Come, all you who are thirsty,

come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. ² Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. ³ Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. ⁴ See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a ruler and commander of the peoples. ⁵ Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations you do not know will come running to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor.”

It is interesting what happens when you stop and listen. When you let the call of your heart pull you. I found myself in prayer after communion with tears in my eyes...It was not sadness it was grace. I am still not sure I believe I am magnificent but I believe I am a daughter of God and he loves me, that is magnificent. Enough for today!

Fourth of July, Family, Freedom...life

2011-07-04T23:47:00.003-04:00

Sunday with Bobby my kids, their family and friends and Mom...a good day. Burgers on the grill and all the appropriate fixings even watermelon. We played basketball, catch (softball) and hung out on our funky little street right in the middle of West LA. Trees line our street, small cute little homes and hardly ever do cars come on our street. It is a unique place considering that one block from us are two busy, busy streets and the City.

Today I try to hang on to the day as Bob flies back to Maine and we all begin our "normal" life. I spent most of the day in bed or sitting on the couch with the exception of two dog walks. It felt like that kind of day after dropping Bob at LAX early in the morning. I felt lonely and sad. I worked hard to be okay with those feelings and just be.

Why is it always hard to savor the good times and not resent the return to normal. Why is that? So why am I not grateful for the life I am able to live? I have freedom...I choose what to do and where to live. I am so blessed. Why does that escape me? It should not. I am honored to live in a place where young men and women sacrifice their freedom, their lives to ensure that I am able to celebrate the 4th with my family. I am able to put a flag on my yard or not. I am able to live in Los Angeles or Maine...all of this is for me to decide. I have family around me and I am able to drop into a moment watching my son play ball with my son in law and then have a catch with Bob. I can pick up a glove and share a catch with Bob and for a few moments there is nothing else that exists: him with his glove (a very short distance away) and me with my glove. He smiles as I throw the ball, like a girl I am afraid. I smile that I am catching his throws, placed I am certain well within my reach. But there we are in the middle of a little street with trees and neighbors and happiness all around us. That scene, that afternoon is what causes my heart to ache today. I feel guilty...I want to savor that memory with gratitude. I want to feel honored that so many have sacrificed so that I could have that moment. Perhaps my awareness of all of this is enough.

Freedom, family and the 4th--- yup that is Life!

Mom is returning to childhood!

2011-06-23T11:36:00.000-04:00

This video was shared with my by a friend. As Mom forgets hour to hour what is happening in her life this struck me. There are moments when I find myself angry or snapping at her questions. "Is the coffee ready?" five minutes later..."Is the coffee ready?"

The guilt, the sadness, the frustration, I do not want her to regress to childhood...and yet I know in my heart I am blessed to share it all with her. So take a minute to watch this...it is worth it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o

Morning in California

2011-06-21T09:46:00.003-04:00

I am from New England, still own a house in Maine but for the last year have lived and worked in Los Angeles. No I could not have started with a milder place such as San Diego or the Bay Area...I am right in the heart of LA. The beautiful tree lined street I call home backs up to two major roads that led to all things: Century City, Downtown and Hollywood. I can walk to a Mall that by LA standards is small. This Mall is large, three levels with every store you can imagine, movie theaters great restaurants and a funky fun little Wine bar. Life in LA seems somewhat surreal to me. My house has a back enclosed patio (necessary for LA living) and a front year with a small container garden. Currently I am researching tomato plants as they have consumed most of my available space. I have a little white fence and here is the best part---parking room for three cars!!! (my driveway in Maine could easily hold 8!

As I write this my Corgi, Miss Hannah, sleeps at my feet and my six year old granddaughter is to my left (taking up way more space then her little body should). My fish aquarium set up for the 5 and 6 year old hums as the air pump bubbles (they like the mountain that makes bubbles). I can hear the traffic just beginning to move on Pico and Westwood. It is relatively quiet for a city. Oh yes the temp is 70 degrees, it will be slightly overcast this morning and sunny this afternoon. It is 70 almost every day.

I like it here. I miss Maine but family is here. My two grandchildren, my mother who lives with me and both of my children. My hubby still is living coast to coast, arriving next week for his monthly stay. Thank goodness he does the majority of the flying!

So I guess warm weather, beautiful mountains, the ocean a few miles away is doable. Today, right this minute it is perfect.

Wednesday...almost there..BUT Really?

2011-06-08T10:40:00.003-04:00

So here is my question why does Wednesday feel good even when we know that the work week never ends? It is clear that with a million mobile devices we work 24/7. I current carry a blackberry (despite my children's dismay that I it is not an i-phone), have a net book (for ease to carry), a lap top, and a color nook (needed color for children's books and for me the Internet). I am constantly checking and re-checking my email. I feel obliged to work when others are working and when I ignore I feel badly. So what...really what does Wednesday mean anymore?

Perhaps our training as children remains through life, September through June are hard working months and summer is vacation, weekends are time off and holidays are for large dinners. I am unsure but I am certain that Wednesday feels good and I will work on the weekend but just a little less.

My Favorite Song beautifully Sung!

2011-04-24T12:33:00.002-04:00

I love this song. It is such a beautiful lyric and music. The words are so amazing and honest. I think today it makes me feel closer to my one hallelujah Missing my hubby and best bud but knowing that the choice to care for family is a right one.

I hope that this Easter we are experience rebirth and newness of our faith. I know it is a blessing that we should be thankful for each day and yet this day brings our focus to God's best gift. I love today and I pray to keep its magic in my heart all year. Blessings to All.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE&feature=related

Vacation, Maine and LIfe

2011-04-09T09:40:00.003-04:00

Who would have thought that vacation would mean coming to Maine? While the weather here is not nearly as warm as Southern Cal it the clear blue sky and sunshine is beautiful. After nearly a year in LA I am certain that cold weather is not for me, BUT I sure do love my big back yard in Maine. I look out the bedroom window and view my grassy yard and trees with envy. There are no big yards in LA, well none that an ordinary citizen could afford. Looking at the forest floor covered in leaves and visible after a long winter. There are no leaves or low brush blooming to hide the dead Pines, the tiny yellow dots (softballs hit for dogs of ages past still sitting in hidden spots, and the little baby pine trying desperately to reach for sunshine. None of these things will be visible in a month or two.

My grandchildren love our woods, they have fairy huts hidden at the base of many a tall Pine, they have little bridges made of broken branches and pieces of old tree trunks. They venture out and never want to return despite my pleas. I become insistent once my feet are cold and wet.

Today I sit and wonder how we come to the places we end up in. I yearn to plant a garden (with absolutely no real skill), I want to walk along the shores of Dead Duck beach (Great Bay) and I want to think of nothing important. Ah that is vacation huh? At 52 I think I am beginning to want more vacation and less hard work. Yup it is official Maine is the way life should be. I sure do miss it. But this is spring, summer is around the corner...and then.....

Happy Spring Maine!

Mom is getting older!

2011-03-19T10:22:00.003-04:00

While this is not really news today is feels heavy on my heart. Mom is 83 and she has had significant memory loss for the past several years. But suddenly in the last few months she has made a change. She is harder to motivate, more difficult to get out of bed and complains more. She feels "sicky" frequently and I suspect her muscles ache from lack of use. It is sad.

I wonder sometimes, what will I do without Mom. Dad passed a year ago December after several years in a nursing home. But Mom is with me, she has been for some time now. She even moved across country to Los Angeles last June. I watch her, listen to her sighs and while I know that she is blessed with Grandchildren around (one sleeps with her regularly ..sneaky child). I know that she enjoys the family around and she loves the Corgi called Hannah who, as Mom eats less seems to be getting fatter? Still in the moments when I enter her room and she is hard to wake I feel a start, a skip in my heart and for a brief minute feel the reality of her time in this world.

Taking care of Mom is complicated. It is also an honor.

If I were a wealthy woman!

2011-02-07T09:27:00.002-05:00

I would ride horses again if I were wealthy.

I would feed the homeless if I were wealthy.

I would feed children the right foods if I were wealthy.

I would walk five miles everyday if I were wealthy (presuming I also did not have to work to be so).

I would find one person everyday to give a surprise to if I were wealthy.

I would take care of animals that wander the streets alone and scared.

I would read at least one inspirational thing each day.

I would read the Bible, ALL of it.

I would take my family back to Pine Island.

I would remember everyday what it is like to be poor.

As I started this exercise it was just a Monday morning "I wish I was wealthy" but as I finished I realized it was much more. In these statements there is so much about life choices. I feel it is worth of reflection. What would you do if you were wealthy?

Times change, purpose changes, where am I now?

2011-01-17T23:20:00.006-05:00

I find myself recently uncomfortable with the growing divide between those who "have" and those who do not. I was fortunate in my life, I never wanted for anything as a child. In my twenties and thirties I found out what it was like to struggle to make ends meet. My children well recall the days before pay day when all that was left was pasta and cereal. I learned from those days, I still struggle financially moving from month to month. I am, I suspect, like the majority of working middle class. I live pay check to pay check.

I am fully aware that I am only a few paychecks away from disaster. Having experienced unemployment once in my lifetime and the devastation that it creates. I applied for unemployment, having worked over 25 years paying taxes and social security since the age of 14. I was at first denied and it took six months to receive my first unemployment check. I was denied because my employer had gone out of business and did not want to pay anyone unemployment who had been part of his poorly run business. It was the most depressing and horrible time in my life. It also was the time that led me to my faith and my second half of life healing.

Today I find myself looking at a struggling economy, people who are becoming the new poor and those who may never climb out of poverty...there are so many. The extremes I see here in Los Angeles ---the very wealthy...seems in this neighborhood there are many and the very poor. The chasm between them so great. It causes me concern and pain.

Somewhere in the Political Science recesses of my mind I recall that the loss of the middle class creates significant instability...yet we seem to becoming lost. Houses foreclosing, jobs being lost and a cost of living that continues to be a stretch. Gas goes up and those of us living on budgets suddenly have to shift our monthly payments. Anger and violence erupt as the frustration grows.

I feel the anger and outrage at the ridiculous payments for high level executives in companies that were bailed out by my federal dollars. I am angered at the medical insurance that covers nothing and denies medications to my mother and to me. Impossible to correct without spending hours and days which I do not have, that one denial can leave me defeated. I feel the angry at the billions of dollars spent to advertise products when I am ill positioned to buy but will surely feel less than adequate without. I feel all those things. Who does not wish they could afford the IPAD? I am certain I should own one.

I see few remedies. Lately I have met many who are financial planners or wealth advisers or wealth managers. I am always curious whose wealth they manage. For me listening to financial planners tell me about savings and retirement creates enormous insecurity. I have no savings. I own a house with some minor mortgage company (the fourth or fifth to own my mortgage), I owe more now then when I bought the house. I survive, week by week...month by month helping now to take care of my mother, my adult children and their children. Ah but if I just put that $100 a week away! Alas I want Indian food tonight. I deserve it.

Still more...The numbers, if they are believed, would indicate that I am not alone. There are very few wealthy people.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/23/americans-support-wealth-redistribution_n_736132.html

So where does that leave us? Those of us, like me who have been the working middle class? I suspect the wealthy folks, as small a percentage as they are, need me healthy to keep spending on their products...or their stock portfolio products. But do the wealthy understand that? Do they care and should they?

I worry that the middle class is shrinking. But we are educated folks who have a glimmer of the other side. We see injustice and we can speak the injustice. If we are not ashamed to admit how difficult it is to be middle class perhaps we will speak it. Do I have the courage to be honest, to be rejected as irresponsible or unworthy? How will I respond to this chasm? How will I behave when oppressed? So far I have done little. I have experienced a growing discontent that leaves me with anger and sadness.

I am left to wonder. As a person of faith who cares for the Poor beyond the New Testament. Who would give any attention to Mary? Or the women who touched Jesus robe Mark 5:21-34? Does the faith that pulled me from my despair earlier in my life still exist within me? Is it convenient here, now?

I am fully aware that something must be done. It is not healthy nor right to feel angered by those who have greater wealth and seem unaware. It is not right in a society of great wealth to allow people to go hungry and without medical care. It is not right to hide that denial behind the pretense of a service system. It is not right to hide behind the knowledge that businesses use unethical tactics to take your money and not provide the service or product promised.

Perhaps the wealth is not with a very few if the wealth is not dollars. Is wealth in knowing? Does it reside in a faith that binds humanity in love and compassion seen in all world religions? Could we be richer in our poverty? Am I capable of letting go of my own resentments and frustrations? If I am not then where will the anger take me?

Music Breast Cancer and Survivors: Juke Kartel

2011-01-12T07:51:00.003-05:00

I wanted to share this video since it is very important to me. Some wonderful young men (Juke Kartel) created this song: Brightest Star. It was written after the drummer's mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It has become a vehicle to celebrate all the wonderful survivors in my world. They have essentially given the song to Susan G Komen LAC.

In the last few weeks several people I know have been diagnosed or had re-occurrence of Breast Cancer. It is such a sad disease and despite all our efforts we continue to struggle for a cure and more importantly a humane cure. The cost of treatment both emotionally and economically is high and yet all the survivors I know seem to gain strength and power.

As I close to my first Komen Race for the Cure I have watched this video after many a long day, I have shared it with my friends who are currently battling the disease. It inspires and calls me to a higher purpose every viewing.

Just click and watch!

www.jukekartel.com

Everyday is a gift, every life a miracle and every sunset a reminder the sun will rise again!

Fighting to Win, success

2011-01-02T16:29:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite speeches involves my favorite sports: football. When I feel like the task in front of me is too hard, I want to turn and run, this is what I watch.

All my life I have been a fighter, never wanting to loose or give up when the odds are too much. I like a challenge, I have worked with many organizations when the odds are against success. What is most difficult is keeping your own faith when all around you the crowd taunts and critiques. When the answers are not black and white but are in a million shades of gray. When in the dark of night I lie awake and wonder have I made a good choice. But when you are the leader, you cannot show the wonder, you must take action and follow through.

I love this speech. If a swear makes you uneasy do not watch. If you love football, Al Pacino and great speeches then watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4tIrjBDkk

Worries and night time discussions

2010-12-29T11:49:00.003-05:00

I want to sleep!

Awakened in the darkness, broken by a string of holiday lights across the back porch, I listen to my mind. Questions, things to do, worries and visions of days gone by. It is amazing what comes flying into the mind, the stories I am able to create many of which make no sense at all. I check the clock it is 1:30am, not a good sign. This will be a long night.

I wonder why I have such worries at night and why do they keep me awake. A bit of research tells me that I am not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of hits on the web if you google cannot sleep and many who give advice however the shear volume of hits also suggest the problem remains.

I found a few sites worthy of looking: This one has lots of links that I thought were helpful.

http://lifelearningtoday.com/2008/04/09/cant-sleep-at-night-heres-what-to-do/

Of course there is the cute little song that my grand children like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oT26nDbEbrU

Or a popular "today" kind of video ...kind of makes me think of dancing so not sure it is helpful to sleep:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqEbRzy_t8

All in all, perhaps the next time I am awake and feeling so alone and frustrated I can think of the millions who join me. That will give me something new to ponder.

Dad, One year today

2010-12-21T10:18:00.002-05:00

Hey Dad, it has been a year since we gathered in your room for the final time in Hampton. I will always feel sorry that despite our best efforts we were minutes too late. But then it was so like you to make our final visit peaceful. There was no feeling badly that you could not catch that last breath, we did not see you struggle. We can always believe the nurse who said you were not alone and you went quietly.

A lot has happened in a year, all the while I think you have been with me. I was told by a psychic that you come and go in my life but are always available. Well tell me something that I do not know! I love you with all my heart. You live in every memory and each breath I take. As I rest my hand on my own heart I feel yours within me. I miss you. I have missed you for a long time. But you know that too. Today I will keep you close and honor your one year entry into the peaceful Kingdom where surely you are smiling.

Family, Holidays and Hauntings

2010-12-11T11:44:00.002-05:00

The charm of holiday decorations and lights. The houses all warmly lit up cheerful and pretty as music plays songs of family, friends and peace on earth. A time when we reflect on the promise of our faiths the love or our families and the hope that makes the daily trials acceptable.

The weird thing about holidays is all of the above. Behind the windows of those homes are lonely people, hungry people, disappointed and happy people. Beyond the joyful songs are the same revolutionary ones calling for change and reminding all of humankind what we have missed. The same family issues and hurts. These all seem to glare or perhaps screech against the glass of holiday cheer. What is wrong more haunting and more apparent.

I wonder would it be better if we allowed the joy and fun to spread out over the year? No-because we would not. Who does not recall the magic as a child, why would any of us steal that away...so what if the adults indulge the magic even for a few days?

Addiction, the family disease

2010-12-05T10:56:00.002-05:00

I have witnessed addiction in my life, felt its grip on my sanity and endured the loss of love from one you love. The venom of an alcoholic's words aimed at the heart while often grandiose and misrepresented land invisible arrows for a life time. Life on the sidelines sucks, the insidious guilt, fear and hope warps reality.

There is no glory as a recovering co dependent. No cheers when you announce your role in the disease and your desire to remain "not" codependent. No coins given at day one, week one or year one. No celebration that you have chosen a new life free of addicts.

Today I feel it is a life no less difficult than the addict and equally as certain to resurface in your world. If, this is a BIG IF, you are smart enough to leave the relationships that brought you to codependency the likelihood it will resurface is high. And for many it will appear in the love most precious, your children.

This addiction, this relationship between parent and child fills the soul with desperation and a sadness that holds joy hostage.

I want a chip. I want to feel brave and courageous. I would like to feel valued for stopping the insanity. I sit rather with a heart beating, I am here. That is all. I want the end of addiction and all that forever lay wounded and scarred at its feet.

Morning Drive ...Don't make Eye Contact

2010-11-30T09:36:00.002-05:00

The morning drive is a unique beast out here in LA. I approach the 405, always with a degree of anticipation and in trepidation. Will we move? Will one of the four available lanes (no HOV since I am alone) move faster than 30 mph. Will I be on time ? I watch the other drivers, some putting on makeup (that falls into the distracted driver offense...I am guilty) some, no many on their phones (we cannot hold them here so we talk to our visors or seemingly to air...perhaps a tiny ear piece). Some may possibly be talking to themselves (guilty here) or singing. But I do not think I see a lot of singing on the 405.

So that is how thousands of us begin a day. I know there is no other place on earth like the 405 but there are many similar route 95, 495 or the loop. (yes northeast girl with some knowledge of Chicago). I am left to ponder what does that do to us as people, this thing called commuting. I recall in the 70s we got signs and had a phase of trying to communicate with our fellow commuters but today we seem to prefer to ignore. Do not make eye contact. Kind of screwed up way to start a day. Thank goodness for Public Radio.

Midlife and Sunday

2010-11-28T11:06:00.004-05:00

So here it is Sunday and I am ready for the service time, hopeful this week I pay attention. I am not sure if it is midlife or just a brain filled with chaos that makes me wander even in church. Midlife is a kind of crazy place.

So here is 52, I look differently than before, I feel most different and I am aware that much of what I have done does not excite me. I look back on a few distinct moments with pride and use huge amounts of good ole fashion denial to forget many. I laugh at some, I smile at some and I even fondly recall a few of the most crazy moments. But in total I find myself wondering. I am pulled by this powerful voice, the one that speaks to me in my sleep and my waking but no one else hears. The voice that warns me of danger and reprimands me for poor behavior. It is, of course my voice, and she can be a real challenge.

I wish that I could spread a bit of cheer here, a bit of hope that the world is as it should be and I am where I am supposed to be...but that is not what it feels like. I have been, if nothing else true to this blog and it has been my diary of reality. My father once said that if I lived my life as an open book that my actions would not haunt me. I guess that if I knew that all I did would be seen and examined by those I care about and those I may not even know I would be kinder, softer and at times harsher. But I would be free of guilt. Something to ponder.

Holidays...something fills the air.

2010-11-25T10:41:00.002-05:00

So despite my efforts to let this holiday just pass, usually I love Thanksgiving but this one feels off without my hubby. It also feels off for some reason I am not able to articulate. Over the past month I have been pulled to be or do something that I cannot identify. It is a weird feeling, I think it is midlife? I just know that each day feels important and I am fully aware that currently I let them slip by with being busy. Not a good busy but an uncertain and unmotivated busy. It must be done type of busy. I love the work I do, I love the challenge but I am not feeling a "good" in my heart.

I often wake up at three or four in the morning and remain in bed, I recently have tried to connect with a higher power. To lay quietly and ask the universe what is it I am meant to hear. I feel it, it is just around the corner. I feel the pull at my emotional corners everyday, a small voice calling but I am unclear of the words.

Perhaps this is brought on my a sense of mortality. As I care for my mother with Alzheimer's Disease I am fully aware that is most likely my future. My father and all his siblings died of the disease. It is not pretty. How much time do I really have? What is most important? The moments with Mom, the grand children moving quickly to young ladies.

Familiar conflicts for me, I suspect a very common female reality...the financial and emotional need to work versus the family and my need to nurture. So I lay here this Thanksgiving morning grateful for a warm bed, a quiet house, a cute corgi dog and a family to love. I will try to ditch worry today and move through the hours as slowly as possible.

Beautiful ...Must Read!

2010-11-21T10:55:00.004-05:00

I have never posted an email sent to me but this time it was too good to pass on...I had this sent from a dear friend ...it is worthy to stand alone...as Frank would say "nuff said"......

The Whale... If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

Save the Earth....It's the only planet with chocolate.

Sleeping with the Dogs!

2010-11-16T01:32:00.003-05:00

I am worried that I will not fall asleep. I have been on route back to Los Angeles since noon time. After a long flight with a few naps and the re-entry into my life here I am finding sleep is not coming easily. Of course my two dogs seem to be doing just fine filling the empty spaces of my bed. (note my grand baby barely fits with dogs)

The interesting thing is that I am worried. I have figured out that I worry. I worry about almost anything and everything. I think of all that might go wrong and when it does not confuse my worry with proactive intervention. Of course this is not truthful since much of my worry never comes to any reality. I come from a good gene pool of worry...we like to worry in my family. We do not like to sleep with dogs, that began with me. My two children like to sleep with dogs.

The question I ask myself is why must I worry. Why do I find it so darn difficult to just be "in the moment" just be grateful for all that is mine to enjoy. How lucky I am. How fortunate I am. I have family and a home and food. I have generally good health, well you never know what might come.

The sad truth is that I am at odds with myself. I want desperately to be peacefully enjoying the beauty that surrounds me, to feel in sync with the universe. But I cannot figure how I am going to pay the bills that are due and wonder if I should take back the shoes that I paid an insane $98.00 for? They are not even comfortable. Note to self: do not shop after a glass, well two of wine. Good heavens a new thing to worry about...I drink too much wine.

Tonight I am going to sleep with my dogs. I am going to be happy they are alive and do not have fleas. I am going to be happy to sleep. Tomorrow I will worry about why I worry.

Favorite Books a Great Place to Visit

2010-11-14T09:01:00.002-05:00

I arrived at my Maine home to find a copy of a favorite book. "An Interrupted Life-the diaries of Etty Hillesum" . It was a book I read in my early thirties and has always been a life changer for me. It is a book that brought me closer to my faith and helped to remind me that nothing, nothing is so dark that love is not possible. It was Etty's love of humanity, love of God and love of each moment that amazed me.

This morning I picked up the well worn book, once shared with a friend and returned to me by mail some 15 years later during a time of uncertainty. Opening the book to a page that seemed fitting for me I share:

"We go too far in fearing for our unhappy bodies, while our forgotten spirit shrivels up in some corner. Our lives are going wrong , we conduct ourselves without dignity. We lack an historical sense, forget that even those about to perish are a part of history. I hate nobody. I am not embittered. And once the love of mankind has germinated in you, it will grow without measure."

In a prison camp, facing certain death and horrible conditions these were her thoughts. I think to myself how timeless they are. The worry for my aging body, my aching back or my unhappiness with a particular event in my week pales when I experience my faith, feeling love deeply. So for today I take with me the idea that allowing love to grow is far more productive than worry!

How to find the happy place

2010-11-09T09:31:00.002-05:00

Where is the happy place? Is it when you can increase the font on your computer screen with a single button? Is it making chili at 5 am so that the house will smell warm and healthy when you return at 7? Is it early mornings when there is still time to read an article or watch the weather?

Perhaps these are the little happy moments that if not cherished simply fade into the white wash that becomes a busy day. So that in an instant a missing document, a lost prescription or unexpected bill nullify those happy moments. Why is that so?

As I have entered the second half of my life...52 by the way is not my favorite age. I have realized that when reflecting on the past I do not think of those tiny moments, I do not really think about my jobs and accomplishments therein, I do not recall a morning verse.....I think instead about specific times of peace and refuge. I recall a camping trip or family visit. I recall a special room in my childhood home or the view of the White Mountains. I recall the beach and all its mysteries. So how do we find that happy place within the world we spend most of our time? What do we do to keep the wonder of children and the joy of a shared meal alive amidst the crush of deadlines and due dates?

I believe that the answer here is much more than one day's work. It rests in faith, friendship and personal time out. Now if I can just get these things in my calendar! Happy Tuesday.

Thankfulness ...Really

2010-11-08T01:13:00.002-05:00

I often wonder if we experience thankfulness. I do not think I do often enough. I am pretty sure that many of life's wonders pass me by while I am in worry, self pity, envy or self doubt. It is hard to be thankful...really.

What has happened just today that made me thankful. When the whole congregation sang the Lord's Prayer and I felt tears in my eyes I knew that was a thankful moment, but it was only a moment and alas I became self conscious, what is my eye make up was running down my face? Later in the day I was thankful that my grand babies were sitting on the couch with me watching National Geographic. But again my mind swiftly moved to worry that nature's violence might be too much.

I want to be thankful...I am well aware that I have food, a bed, family, health, and relative comfort in life. I am able to read, share my thoughts and freely worship my God. I have so much every day to be grateful for .... why then do I not spend more time saying thank you? This will be my quest for the next days...to ponder, to say thank you and to find the attitude of gratefulness.

Wednesday...Really?

2010-11-03T08:36:00.003-04:00

So when did I begin to love Wednesday? When the weeks seem so long that any sight of Friday is hopeful. Or is it because very little seems to happen on Wednesday in my world? Never did like the saying "hump day" always felt that it was somehow nasty. But this morning when I woke up, after hitting my snooze more than five times, I was glad it was Wednesday.

I wonder what it would be like to be in a world without schedules and time lines. I wonder if I could create each day as it arrived how I would feel. It is ashame that in our world to have that freedom means we are potentially too old to fully enjoy it. In my case with a genetic certainty of Alzheimer Disease I will just be unaware. I have worked pretty much full time since I was 14. I knew the first week of my working career that I loved work, I really do. I love the independence and the freedom it allows. I love the feeling of accomplishment. But there are days, like Wednesdays when I feel the pull toward Friday that I wonder.

Saturdays...Not what the used to be!

2010-10-16T19:49:00.002-04:00

So Saturdays used to be the day of sleep and play, the one we looked forward to all week long. But something has happened...well frankly it happened a long time ago. We lost our day. It has become shopping. laundry, cleaning and driving day. What is up with that!!!

Today at 4pm I finally stopped after cleaning the rugs, ucky doggy dirt and kiddy dirt and ---How did I walk barefoot on these? And now I am at the computer taking a few minutes away from answering work emails to keep track of my beloved blog. (lost my password a bit ago when opened a new g-mail account).

So I am here to say I want to reclaim Saturdays. Don't you?

I figure if I am failing at the "me time" during the week I deserve Saturday. So the question is what drives me to be insane all day on Saturday? I could do laundry on Friday night, I could clean on Thursday...so why not? Well if I can whine it would be because most days I am not home til after 7pm and that is NO time to clean or shop or anything. So maybe I need a cleaning person, hmmm if I gave up the coffee every day -- 3 dollars a day times 7 is $21.oo and the lunches I buy 4 out of 7 days..there is another $24.00...by golly I could likely hire someone to come and clean (at least as well as I do!)

Okay so here is to cleaning person, now who will shop for me? What could I give up?

Time Goes By and By and By

2010-09-27T09:38:00.003-04:00

So where exactly does the time go? It seems like forever ago that I last wrote. It is tempting to drop this whole blogging effort however it is because of that desire I am here writing. After all there must be something worthy of "the blog".

Time and how is passes...As I had my hair trimmed yesterday I looked into the mirror thinking wow my face is my father's face. Then I thought wow, I am old. Then I took off my glasses and almost feel asleep. Time sure does pass quickly. I guess the question for me was: what are you doing to mark it? What moments will you take from this time?

So my exercise is to think about the past five years, what do I think about that makes me smile, makes me wish I could return to that hour, that minute? I always go to Bookelia. I am not sure exactly why but I do. That house, that water, those dolphins. I think about fires in the back yard and holidays. Why holidays? I suspect because we put so much emphasis on enjoying those days. We stop-listen-play and enjoy. I think about a few friends and gatherings..a shared meal. I think about the grand babies and their uniforms for St Marys.

Today I am going to focus on things I might remember! Maybe creating memorable times each day would be worth while? Happy Monday!

Lonely at the Top

2010-08-16T01:09:00.002-04:00

I am a person who believes all is possible with enough caring and drive. Passion mixed with talent is all that is needed, a significant lack of either and failure is certain. Finding that balance is the test of my inner captain.

Being a person who thrives on a challenge I often end up in leadership where serious change is needed. Big changes require fortitude. There are days when despite all my learning and all my vision I do not know. I ask, I seek, I ask again but in the final weighing of the options I must stand within my own experience and belief. Decisions ultimately I must make alone. So while I like to lead, really ask anyone I am bossy, the moments of action are always preceded by a brief moment of suspended feelings and emotions and then without hesitation--- A moment of faith in which I leap. A lonely leap into the next challenge.

Raising Mom

2010-07-23T07:21:00.002-04:00

Okay so I bought this Life Alert necklace for Mom. I must say it is pretty darn cool. The only issue is that she does not remember to wear it! It has the box where people talk to you and they have your whole life history so when you have an issue they know who is in the house. She also has an attachment so if she took a walk and got lost she could push a button and call 911...it also has GPS so that they could locate her. But when someone has no, really NO, short term memory it difficult to teach her how to use this stuff.

There are days when her questions become so painful. But then there are many others that I am blessed to have her with me. She loves the grandchildren -- we both came to California from the east coast to be with them. She loves her wine, she gets that every night. And she loves Hannah the corgi dog (even if she does not admit it).

Weekends are spent taking her out and about. It is odd that many things are still there for her. She likes to shop, she likes flowers around her, she likes going out to eat but always professes that she has too much food and often eats most of it. She loves to comment on all the people around her, not always nice.

I guess the core of who she has always been is there, it is just so sad to see that she cannot recall what she had for lunch or if she ate lunch. Or worse the afternoon at the beach with her precious great grand girls. But I think she is generally happy (as happy as my mother will ever be). People seemed surprised when I say I brought her to the west coast and I wonder why not? I hope someone brings me on an adventure at 83. Well got to go get her medications ready before I go to work. It is interesting raising Mom.

Dog Parks...

2010-07-07T10:13:00.003-04:00

So my Hannah corgi has a new dog park and it is just around the corner. I have discovered that she is prey for the Big dogs but loves the smaller dog play area. Dogs are funny, as I watch the dogs it is much like the parade of folks I watch with my mother having coffee on Sunday mornings. Some are very social and chat with all the other dogs, some stay to the edges watching and sometimes running with the pack but on the fringe. There are the leaders, Hannah is not one, and there are the followers. But all seem happy to arrive and be in the midst of fellow canines.

I have thought about my own life, my limited networks of personal friends. I am great with the business world relationships (well at least I think so) but I do very little to build my network of friends. I think, in part, I work hard and then just want to rest at the end of the day. But I also know that I lack enthusiasm or drive for social interactions that requires small talk or general conversation. Not sure why but there it is. The irony is that when I push myself to go out and do things with others I usually find it fun. But I am not sure it is always relaxing. SO my new goal is to keep my radar on for opportunities to interact, to join groups and to meet people. I need to nurture the friends I have and find new ones. Guess I will keep watching the dogs for some insights and think about it just a little bit longer!

On the brighter side

2010-06-20T01:02:00.003-04:00

How easy is it to think of what is wrong, to criticize and judge. How much easier it is to go negative than to find the good. I am almost certain that not everyone finds it so but for me it has been my first instinct. I had a man who worked for me who once said he always looked for Waldo, the forgotten detail or issue. While a critical eye and mind are crucial, in my opinion, to getting a job done well, it is also equally as important to find what is right.

I have decided that I want to give equal time, if not more time, to the good in things and people. To look at a situation and build upon what it is at its very best. It is hard for me. I am judging all the time, someones dress or style, looking for the hidden agenda in each conversation. I would like to start my new life, each day with a clean heart and open mind. To bring to each conversation hope and joy. I would like to take note of what worked well so that I might build on that. I would like to see my world as a series of magical events which are only possible in this one moment and will never occur exactly this way again. I want to see preciousness in the first conversations with God to the last good nights to those in my heart.

I am committed to trying, really trying to live on the brighter side. I am here in the land of glitz and glamor but I see that nothing has changed. I am still me, I have big feet with ugly heels. I have pretty eyes and new wrinkles daily. I get to share moments with the woman who raised me as broken and crazy as she is and the grand babies who still believe all is possible. I get to fully appreciate my son, so many miles away for his courage to live each day one at a time and the commitment of my daughter to fulfill her dream. I get to miss my husband and be glad for the missing knowing it is a measure of my love. I want to stay on the brighter side it is a good place to be.

No Matter How Far Wrong you go You can Turn Around

2010-06-01T05:48:00.003-04:00

Do we really ever need permission to begin again? Or perhaps the bigger question is do we really ever start again? After all we take everything from this point with us. For example people who divorce and start again...they bring the experience good and bad of the first marriage with them to the next. Staring a new job is similar we always bring all the lessons from both good decisions and bad to the next position. This makes me wonder if we should re-frame the idea of starting over. Perhaps we are turning around, taking our toys with us and giving ourselves permission to try again. Perhaps if we bring ALL that is part of the past with us, honor it, respect it we will be better at starting the walk again.

In my life I have had so many "start overs" new homes, new relationships, new jobs and new life styles...but often I felt as if I needed or wanted to let go of where I came from. Recently I have watched someone I care deeply about fight the grasp of addiction, here is a time when letting go of the past...starting over would seem appropriate. I think however there too it is important to take ALL of who we are with us, hold it gently and accept it. Be glad for it. Then turn around, make a new choice in direction and walk on with Great knowledge gained from life lessons hard earned!

Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah, .

2010-05-19T05:27:00.002-04:00

There are some songs that stay with you always. My husband wonderfully reminded me of this one last night. I have always loved this song and for reasons I cannot explain Leonard is my favorite version.

While at first it was a song about love and the bittersweet reality of it. I then heard the Biblical story of King David and of course of praising God. While there are many sad moments of love gone wrong, loneliness and reality. But in the end the song is merely Hallelujah and that word over and over so beautifully song that it leaves me with hope and heart. Just love it. So here it is....

When our Children Amaze Us!

2010-05-13T06:23:00.003-04:00

My oldest just completed her final classes, final paper, final exam, final everything with Georgetown Law. She has done it!

She has a job at a wonderful firm ahead. But today I am just loving this moment...how proud I am and how I admire her strength and commitment. She did this while raising, two babies, sweet girls now four and five. And while she would kill me if I published any numbers let me say she is in the top of her class. It is so wonderful to see the gifts of our children, ones that have nothing to do with our bragging rights but with their accomplishments. Of course I believe that she has the right combination of "good stuff" which I had some part in, but ultimately she took the ingredients mixed them up and decided who she would become.

Jackie's drive for excellence has always given me reason to be in awe, from running track in High School and at Syracuse, to graduating from Officer Candidate School in the Marine Corp to this wonderful day. It is a great feeling to sit and admire the person your child has become. I am so pleased to know this lovely woman, proud to be her mother and honored to call her friend. It is a good day when our children remind us to be amazed.

Mind Tapes...Obsessing...Hope!

2010-04-30T06:48:00.002-04:00

I believe that everyone experiences some degree of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), for me it is the tapes that replay in my mind particularly at 3am. That worry tape that has a lot in common with Chicken Little. I had a friend once who told me that when I am worried I bring everything, EVERYTHING into the worry. I do! So I began to think about ways out of my obsessing.

The clock says 1:30am....here I am with my thoughts. A million negative and frightening thoughts: bills, the basement leaks, are the floors rotting, the lawn is a mess, the grandchildren need more attention, my son, my daughter, does my husband feel loved? what will I do about folks at the office who seem "stuck" in drama.

I stop and think about a dear friend Dr. Hamilton. He runs an organization called HOPE. How cool. He always talks about intention and looking for possibilities rather than fear. He talks about our guilty and fearful past. He also has often reminded me that fear is about something that has not happened, it is in the future...how to gain control over this moment and sleep? Stop the tapes, stop the worry. I make a list of the worries and try again to rest. When that fails I read, reading unlike surfing the net or watching tv takes a good deal of focus for me. I try to create the image of my most desired life...what does a perfect day look like. I bring up every moment, the smells, the air, the sunshine...all of it.

Some nights are better than others. Some days I can turn the tape off and others I can manage to only reduce the volume. But when I find a positive image, when I focus on good things in my life and rest in my faith I am able to hit the Mute button. Never easy but certainly better than not sleeping.

This is Dr Hamilton's site. I love this man he shares space at our complex in Maine. When he comes for a visit you are never the same, half an hour with him is a blessing. Good people indeed. http://www.hopehealing.org/Home.asp

Having Fun just is not the same..Better?

2010-04-21T06:43:00.003-04:00

Why at 52 years old do I not try to have more fun? Or do I have fun in ways that I never considered in the past. No I am not spending hundreds on clothing (that can be occasionally fun if you can do it without guilt), no not traveling to my island..but when I think of it I do have fun.

Now fun is playing in the back yard on a sunny day with the grandchildren and my totally nuts Corgi. I marvel at her jumps and my heart is full watching them sprint from one corner of the yard to the other.

This weekend we played the alphabet game (for each letter we needed to find something in the yard that began with that letter). We lined all our findings up in row carefully using rocks to hold down the "hay for H" that was flying away. It was a two hour game and we made it to X before an afternoon shower. This was, in my opinion a good thing as I had no idea what to do with X. But on the way up the steps to the kitchen door little five year old said: "Nana right there an X now we can look for Y" I looked over and leaning against the house was a piece of lattice with yes "x"in its design. Fun!

Following the call of Family

2010-04-16T05:35:00.003-04:00

There are times in life when my heart just finds its beat. I don't always like the beat it finds but I know it is right as surely as my next breath. Personally I believe that it is my faith and that God is certainly at the center of these findings.

Here are a few examples. My mother lives with me, she has for a few years. When I made the decision on a ride home from visiting her in her lonely apartment it came to me: Mom has to move in. I knew she would not be able to stay alone and that her next move would be to a nursing home. I had watched my father's journey into the nursing home and did not want that for my mother, not yet. But the weird thing was that for months I had contemplated this, spoken with my husband about it and yet it was as if I was knocked on the head on that ride through North Hampton back to Maine. She moved in and lives with me now. It has not been easy but then raising me was never easy. Living with me now is not easy. There have been some really rough patches but in the end it was the right thing to do and in my heart I know that I have followed the call. The moments I have with her when she peels carrots next to me or shares a view on the front porch or when the grandchildren run to her room to wake her up each morning, that is when I feel right in my heart.

My daughter and her children are another example. Most recently they have lived with us while she finishes her last year of law school. They have been in and out of our house for years. We vacationed with them this year, it was glorious. The children, my daughter Bob and I spent a week in Florida with my sister and her husband at our beloved Pine Island. As we drove home, somewhere in North Carolina during the horrible rain storm I looked at Bob and said we cannot desert this family, ever. He looked back and said "I know". Committing to this family, the grandchildren and my daughter, will not always be easy just as living together for the last year has not always been simple. But in that moment at 2am while they slept in the back of the van it was clear: we are in this with them: Bob, me, mom and the rest of our family. It felt good.

Family is the most important part of life. I believe that God is love and he gives us family so that we might know love intimately. It is such a gift and when family calls it is as if, in my world, God is calling. So I follow.

Memory...

2010-04-13T05:37:00.003-04:00

What has happened to me in midlife? I cannot remember as well as I once did. I keep lists and email myself information in the middle of the night. I have my email on speed dial on my cell phone. My lists are longer and sometimes I forget to cross things off, good heavens then I have to revisit the list several times. I always prided myself on my ability to multi-task and now I wonder why would anyone want to do so many things all at once? Ha I can simply take things one at a time on my list.

I might be smarter than ever before. I am certain that my overloaded brain is wiser. I am more selective about my investments (not money but time) and my battles (all of them). Yes I am still feisty enough to believe that life is a battlefield. Everyday you gear up and create a strategy. You watch your team mates (your side) and you watch more closely the enemy (those who do not favor your success or even those who are indifferent). But ultimately at least once a day you realized you have become bloodied by something and it is maturity and being wiser that informs how you respond.

Today's armor will be Tylenol, slightly dressing up to impress my opponents (I have it together is an image that can build relationships and intimidate if needed) and treats (food) for the meeting. If all else fails feed them. These are on my list. Now if I can just figure out what email I sent it to!

Thinking back on Monday....

2010-04-06T20:07:00.005-04:00

Some Tuesdays feel like Monday. I am certain that this was Monday in disguise or perhaps I got off too easy on Monday, no I do not think so. Monday was filled with lots of work, emotional moments with family and the usually "is it really 5am already?". No this was Tuesday just felt like a repeat of Monday, new emotions and different work. But I know that Monday happened it was a hard day!

Monday after work my "grandgirlies" their mother and I planted a few new plants in honor of Ben, their dog. Ben had been in my daughter's life for ten years (she adopted him at 5-that is her just hours before he died with Ben in the photo). Ben died on Monday morning. It was a very sad thing even though she knew it would happen.

After a Friday visit to the emergency Vet care center it was clear that Ben was in great pain and had few options left at 14 years old. We all spent a wonderful weekend outside in beautiful spring weather and Ben was medicated well enough to seemingly enjoy the time. On Sunday night he showed his greatest pain when he no longer was willing or able to be on the bed to sleep with his family. He whined in the night.

On Monday morning I took the girls to school and Jackie took Ben to his favorite "Roger's Park" a dog park with wooded trails. He only made it to the entrance but still they shared the time on Monday morning alone in "their" place. She bought him treats (slim Jims) and a blue bandanna which was what he wore when he was adopted ten years prior. Shortly after she hugged him for the last time and said goodbye. When the girls came home after school it was a difficult time especially for the five year old.

Jackie believed it was important to help them say goodbye to the dog they loved. We shopped for plants to build a memorial. We ate ice cream and had several ice cream toasts (it was Ben's favorite...cookie dough) and planted the plants and a bush in the front yard. It was a sad day and appropriately so. It was also a day that I was reminded why my daughter is such a special human being.

Growing up and being 52

2010-03-31T19:20:00.003-04:00

I was talking with a friend of mine earlier this evening. We both agreed that we had something in common: we have changed in our 50's, we love our husbands in ways that we never loved before and suddenly we both like to cook. Seriously cook. Not that I am a gourmet cook ( I am not) but on the weekends I find it wonderfully relaxing and comfortable to cook. I make all kinds of things pretending that the family will eat the left overs for the week. In reality I just love the cooking. I watch the Food Network and totally enjoy it. I am all about Rachel Ray with her 30 min meals (http://www.foodnetwork.com/30-minute-meals/index.html) and Bobby Flay with his show Throwdown.....(http://www.foodnetwork.com/throwdown-with-bobby-flay/index.html )

It is fun and I look forward to who he will challenge and how Rachel will get a meal done in 30 minutes.

The whole point of this is that I am changing. I once was all about how I looked, how the man in my life looked at me and what others thought of me. Now I find that I am about cooking...it is like nesting but I am not having a baby. I care about learning, reading and walking. I am about going to the gym not to look good but to feel good. I am changing and I so wish that I could have felt this way in my 20's and 30's. I am free from lots of things and basically happy with daily life. I think I like being 52 even with all the wrinkles.

Mom, Easter and Green Mold.

2010-03-28T22:24:00.002-04:00

My mother lives with me and she is 82 years old. She has Alzheimer's Disease which is partially mitigated by drugs so that she still showers, dresses, pours her own coffee and tonight opened her own wine! She monitors the clock for wine time which is anywhere from 3pm on...generally she waits until 4pm but there are days....She is still good company although she asks the same question many times. She enjoys a short shopping trip, the great grand children and a good meal.

Unfortunately Mom cannot remember how to make her green mold Jello special side dish for Easter. We have spent some time tonight looking at recipes and to my knowledge while many are close to her dish none seem exactly correct. This Easter my sister thinks we should have the Jello mold so we will try a recipe that sounds close. It makes Mom happy to think she will provide the special mold (of course I will make) it is good that she does remember a few key ingredients.

Times like this, with all that is ahead for the week and little to no time for extra tasks that I find myself thinking: I will be Mom someday. I sure hope that someone will want something from me. I am not sure that I really have a signature dish. I suppose I could start one. Gives me something to ponder on Holy Week.

My Hubby and Home Depot and our Bike

2010-03-20T06:20:00.004-04:00

I rarely write about other people here but I just could not resist. My husband is addicted to Home Depot, well it more accurately any "fix it" type place: Auto Zone, Pep Boys, EBay car and motorcycle parts, Ace Hardware and in a pinch he will try Walmart. Seriously he loves his projects, not necessarily the projects I want and love. The newest project is his 1987 Honda Goldwing motorcycle. Now this is a Bike...the kids call it the Old Man bike. It it pretty fancy, lights, chrome, Nana chair with arm rests for passenger. Anyway I digress.

This bike is his new project, currently in a thousand pieces in our garage. Parts for painting have been sent out to some person he found on Craig's List and the seat will have all new leather. There is a new windshield coming from E Bay and many things I am certain I have not been told about. Of course one look at our debit card and the trail is easy to follow. Although he does have that pay pal account which is a bit tricky.

I am jealous that he has such passion and that he can fix things. It seems to bring him such satisfaction. This winter rather than fly the family to Florida we bought a mini van and he overhauled the whole car...I almost like the car now. The interesting thing about his projects is that he relies on the Internet so each step is researched as he goes along. This accounts for many trips to his favorite stores. (I suspect he plans it this way) Have you ever noticed that a trip to Home Depot or auto zone can take up to two hours? Seriously what does he do in there? I absolutely hate going with him. There are not enough plants for me to look at in Home Depot and well auto zone is just deadly.

Well All I know is there better be some fun rides on the bike this year, maybe a trip across country!

Staying Positive

2010-03-17T06:35:00.002-04:00

Today I will remain positive. I will seek ways to cherish the good things that are around me. I will adjust my attitude and when confronted with negativity I will move away and find the good. I will seek to encourage and support rather than take apart. Today I will be easier on myself and celebrate the successes in my world. I will be nice to others and whenever I am tempted to speak ill of someone I will revisit this mind set. There is good in everyone and every situation the measure of real leadership and friendship is how well you nurture that good. I will not succumb to failure mentality. Today will be a new start.

It is hard to come back from vacation. Even harder when the same silly things come at you and scream "why have you not fixed this?" The same self doubt tape begins where it was left off...really? Is this the best you got? But I know that my 80% is like others 110%. I know that my standards are high, my passion for excellence drives me. So it is time to take inventory of the good things, the foundation upon which more goodness can grow. Here we go!

Bookeelia Florida, children and mini van

2010-03-06T06:09:00.003-05:00

Here we are! It is positively beautiful. I love this place, I love Pine Island. (this picture is my beach) We drove from Maine in our newly purchased, used and repaired (by hubby) minivan (which is said I would never own) and came with two grandchildren, one step child and hubby...oh and daughter who drove as far as DC (she has exam there and will fly in tomorrow). Sister and her husband arrive tonight. It is quiet this morning and looks like a good day ahead. We left Maine at 1pm on Wednesday and arrived in Florida a day ahead of schedule. Landing in Kisseemmee (two hours from Bookeelia) in a hotel in the heart of Disney for one night. Why? Because it was cheap and actually not horrible and slept five. Yesterday after lunch we arrived in our beloved Bookeelia. The house is as beautiful as ever. The wind was up and it was cool, but the pool was smartly designed and protected so the afternoon sun was hot enough to enjoy sitting and watching the girls brave the water.

So you ask how did you drive so far with all those people? I figure when you are driving with little ones you have very few shots at getting them back in the car. We drove (on shifts) through the night and tried as best as we could to sleep in between. It was actually not bad. And while I never say too much about hubby in my blog, protect his privacy, this time I have to say he amazes me. We bought this beat up (inside mostly, outside looked not bad) mini van and her rebuilt her, fixed her looks and we made it to Florida costing much less then tickets for all. I actually like the ease of the mini van.

So here I am the sun is coming up. My favorite time of day. The sky is filled with colors, the palm tree next door is blowing in the wind against a lightening sky. The sun will be up in minutes and the day will begin. I love this Island.

Me time...how do I use it?

2010-02-22T12:55:00.004-05:00

Okay who does not struggle with these realities. Whose time is it anyway? I often find that my "me time" is last on my list. Good codependent that I am. I should be clear, in order to be honest, that it is not because I am a selfless person that I take care of others, I am worried about how they will react if I do not. Essentially it could even be considered selfish. Selfish because my actions are all focused on keeping peace and harmony for myself as well as others.

This past week I got lost in work, in relationship with my family and my blogging took a back seat. I blog for peace of mind. I put words to what I feel, I sort out what I feel and somehow it is like therapy for me. Often I am surprised at what actually happens when I begin to type. Some days it is effortless and others each word is like the last mile of a ten mile run, painful and necessary. I think those words are often the most important I write.

In my mania weeks, the last two, I accomplished a great deal. It is easy to see why people who have mania like the highs...so productive. I am a little bit of a manic depressive but so far less depressed than manic. Good thing. I figured out a while ago that if I let depression get me it is a long, long haul out. I know that to survive it is necessary to keep moving and keep being "productive". Of course productive can mean a walk on the beach, a visit to the gym, a good blogging session and always that my work (the work I get paid for) is in motion. Often too much motion. But it feels good to look back at the wake I can make. Sometimes scary but mostly good.

I will keep my good highs and hope that the lows are little ripples in my life that cause a sad Saturday or lonely Tuesday night. I guess mostly I plan to not judge my "me time" and if I spend it on others or work that is okay especially if it pleases me.

Over work...why do I do it?

2010-02-14T04:02:00.004-05:00

So I am not sure what I am thinking when I get myself into these situations. I create work for myself. I could easily become a workaholic, I do not think I am...I like my free time and I get cranky when there is too much to do. But I am also capable of long spurts of working A LOT. I am not really sure why I do this, it is sort of like Saturday morning when I wake up with a list of fifty things I want to do. I makes my hubby nuts, he is either genuinely worried for me that I will not complete my list and be frustrated or, and I suspect more likely, he feels certain that it will include infringing on his plans for the day. I generally do not get to my whole list.

Here is what an early Saturday morning list might be:

gym
grocery shopping (always got to do that for family...a lot of shopping)
taking Mom out for coffee or something
spending time with hubby doing the second hand store run (got to visit a few for that special deal we might need)
wanting to walk the dogs at the beach (Dead Duck is our local spot on Great Bay...bad name I know)
bathing dog (she can always use a bath)
cooking for family...big meals on weekends...generally three or four to supply for week as well
clean the house...it always needs cleaning but on Saturdays it is the Big clean
one project like cleaning out the awful hall closet
oh and did I mention I might try to read some work emails and clean out my over loaded in box?

Wow looking at that list makes me tired! No wonder I never get much rest on the weekends. Okay so I need to figure out how to slow down. At fifty two years old there needs to be more me time. More quiet time. Hmmm....I guess looking at it all and just reflecting at 4am is a good thing.

MONDAY...ugh

2010-02-08T07:34:00.002-05:00

Okay so Friday was so great and Monday is sooo ugh. I am not tired. I slept well. I just do not feel the love of a day. I feel the oppression of Monday. I feel the anxiety of many more days of work. I feel the pressure of BIG projects ahead this week. Will I never learn? I cannot seem to help myself. My creative mind moves at a 100 miles per hour. It is just that my doer side would like to travel at say 60?

Not much one can say about this Monday. The Saints won...that is a sweet victory for a team that surely deserves it and a city that needed it. Sarah P. says she might run for President, oh wow we never saw that one coming! The economy is in the tank and my oil needs to be refilled...sweet mercies this life can be a ride.

Monday's suck. No question they are just not fun. Here is what I found out about Monday.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monday

and House is on Monday Nights! that is a good thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er5uuCYi7q4

So here we go! Monday.

What is a day without "issues"?

2010-02-02T21:04:00.002-05:00

I want to know how many people actually have days, entire days without "issues"? Now by issue I mean something more than a splinter, more along the lines of family dysfunction (someone not speaking to someone else) or a car breaks down, maybe not being able to pay insurance on time or grandma has threatened to move out again but there is no where to go and no money to go with. I swear my family is just a ticking bomb.

You really should spend a day in our life. In my home, now be careful...do not label me crazy...we have my mother with Alzheimer's disease, a 28 year old man with disabilities for whom we provide care, my 16 year old step son (currently on suspension from school) and my 32 year old daughter with her two children waiting to complete her last semester of law school and move to her job on the west coast, my husband and myself. I commute to a crazy place in the Western part of Maine (follow the work and the money) and spend at least three nights a week away from everyone...might sound good but kind of stinks really. Imagine a dinner in my home. Imagine that food costs us over 350 each week closer to 400. My mother needs at least a half a bottle of wine each night (more like 3/4) which either makes her happy or really mean. The boys, the one on suspension and the larger (much larger one with disabilities) both eat a lot---like boxes of cereal, soda might as well not exist after two days, and peanut butter...I should have stock. Oh and did I mention two dogs and three cats. I have begun to hate cats just because of the liter box. That is terrible. I do love my cats, I just hate cat liter.

But what most makes me curious is how we deal, how I am supposed to deal with the daily "issues" that arise. My mother needs cataract surgery, we are trying to make our one vacation a year happen (don't even ask how) and well the teen on suspension spent his day on the Internet during his in school suspension. What is wrong with that picture? My husband had his first softball meeting which made him happy...why not he gets to be away from much of the summer but then I cannot complain b/c I get to work away from home. Bank of America still calls about my father's credit card balance after he has been dead for more than a month and had the freaking insurance to cover any outstanding balance and my dog (my sweet little Corgi) has a respiratory infection ($250 dollars later). It is nuts and being away makes it harder. In all honesty the life of a traveling worker is sucky...it is lonely at night and you feel so out of the loop. Hmmmm maybe I want more control of the "issues". Is it me? Or does the rest of the world have better boundaries? I am not sure but today I am done. Work is a bear right now and I need to rest. PS did go to gym (see other blog) and that is one sane thing. .........

Guess I will assume issues are normal and watch an episode of Bones on my computer.

Oh no Grinding my teeth. What will be left?

2010-01-23T08:06:00.003-05:00

So not only do I wake up at 2am with a million thoughts worthy of my full attention but only half drifting in and out of my conscious mind...I am ruining my teeth. Seriously these puppies are going to fall out of my head. With the cost of dental work these days and the sorry reality of dental insurance (what do they really pay at all?) I cannot afford to destroy my teeth. To date I have broken several back teeth and lost a crown and a major filling. The worst part of this all is that right now we, my husband and I, are paying for his teeth to be fixed so I have to stop. He has a huge project going on and that is all the money we have. I am looking at somewhere around $3500 worth of work and his is over $10,000. Now what is wrong with that picture????

If people who make a good living, have a home and good jobs and dental insurance cannot afford the high cost of dental work what the heck is happening to others? There are hundreds of articles about the cost of dental insurance and care, the reality is that people then end up in Emergency Rooms which are not equipped to handle teeth. But where else can people go?

I figure the grinding of my teeth is a sign of stress so I have to figure out how to reduce that in my life. Hmmmm any suggestions? I could quit my job but that would add financial distress, I could sell my house but I would hate a small apartment, I could disown my whole family but I would miss them terribly. I will ponder this more and let you know. For now I am going to keep working out and look for a good mouth guard. Like that will work!

Somedays are just hard

2010-01-20T18:11:00.002-05:00

Today was a hard day, not work wise thank goodness but in my heart. I have been heavy with worry for my family. Why does worry make my body feel weak and my arms heavy? Why does worry make me wish I could sleep but all I am able to do is lie in the dark wishing for rest? Why does worry move into my mind and leave me restless with all things done and undone?

I have loved my children well . I have not however, the mother I would have liked to have been. I would have chosen to be an independent, strong and courageous woman. I would like to have been fine with being alone. My own need for a partner diluted my time with them, my attention to their daily needs. I would take back those young days and hold each one with the care and love it so deserved ignoring my own loneliness. But alas that is not how life unfolded.

I loved them, went to every game, every school event. I shared my heart with them beyond all else. But as a single mom I struggled to work more than one job, make ends meet and find time for a Friday night out. I longed for what I thought other people had: the lovely couples sitting at my daughter's basketball game or the parent's of my son's friend all playing flash light tag. I knew something was missing for them and for me. But still I am haunted when they struggle now---could I, should I have done more? What if I had been enough for me and would that have made me enough for them.

Today is a hard day and I am sad by the love I feel because it cannot change the course of life for either of them. My lovely girl will struggle to raise her children and have her legal career...so bright and strong. My son will battle his demons of lost childhood and lost relationships all the while searching for his passion. I will worry for them both. Today more than usual. Heavy with the fear and the knowing. Some days are hard.

Martin Luther King Day

2010-01-18T07:21:00.003-05:00

Martin Luther King Day...a good day for us all.

One of my favorite quotes in these days of political fighting and scare resources.

“Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” MLK

I was a child when MLK lost his life, I remember the days of JFK, RFK and MLK. It seemed the killing would never stop. It seemed that my parents and their friends gathered in our country home around the small television with horror too often. I wondered why these men were killed and if my parents would be okay. It was only later in life that I really began to understand the significance of their lives.

I read a few great quotes from MLK today. He had so many inspirational speeches and words to offer a tired and scared nation. He was brave not because he was a warrior but because his belief was so strong that he did not fear evil. Here are some great quotes I found: http://www.mlkonline.net/quotes.html

I think that Bing had a great page of pictures and videos, all nicely on one page.

http://www.bing.com/search?publ=9CB2341B-44BC-4F6A-A997-4E94B131874C&FORM=MVIBRT&crea=TEXT_MVIBRT_core_VibrantCS_News2_1x1&adlt=strict&vm=clickthrough&ck=1263817853728&crea=TXT_MVIBRT_CORE_ComScoreTest_3plusclick_1x1&q=Martin%20Luther%20King%20Jr

So today I will take with me a bit of him everywhere I go, I could only hope to keep it all year. Thanks MLK!

Loving Grandchildren

2010-01-13T20:17:00.002-05:00

What a gift. Grandchildren are remarkable. I know that my grandchildren came just at the right time when I was finally done my internship on my two lovely children. I know well the things I do not want to repeat with these babies. I know that every moment, each day I have is a gift. The beauty of grandchildren is that they are not your full time responsibility and spoiling is an option. The hardest part of grandchildren is that you know how quickly it goes by and how much goes by without you.

I think about the first time I saw my girls. Each one was beautiful and charming. I think of all the silly things they do and how much they have already grown up. Now they tell me about their day, share they joys and their worries. The four year old does more reporting of other's wrong doing and the five year old plans for her next day, constantly! Breakfast is a routine of very specific foods, there is little room for variation and most meals are in a theme of pasta and soup and salty good stuff. Tub time includes a ritual quiet candle time, just allowing them to float in the warm water with only a candle. And night time brings obligatory story time and just one more show.

Loving my grandchildren has the most joyous feeling, the one that begins in my heart and spreads warmly into all of me. It is a symphony of experiences soft and loud, heavy and light, slow and fast which I am allowed to conduct.

Sleep, sleeping...not Sleeping!

2010-01-07T06:45:00.003-05:00

This week began with some crazy sleep nights. Tossing from 2am and getting up just after 4am. Next night waking at midnight finally sleeping sometime after 3am. Not only do I hate when this happens. I fear that it will go on for days. I have gone through times where this will last for over a week. It is not pretty. The good news is that I slept last night. This morning the alarm went off, I did my usual two snoozes and the world was all well. I will confess: Tylenol pm!

What makes me not sleep? Why are there times when the brain will simply override my desire to slumber. How many people experience that night time conversation? The multiple personalities, the swirling thoughts, the ideas that visit and vanish with the next blink. What is that called that night time drama. It plays out in a million voices and tones.

To quiet myself I start my chanting, trying to repeat something that requires enough focus to shut down the noise. I generally use something like the doxology or lately I have spelled a word over and over again. Tuesday I slowly spelled and visualized each letter of the word Ribbon. It did not help.

The folks from the drug company that makes Rozerem has some tips for us: http://www.rozerem.com/en/about_sleep/healthy_sleep_tips/

I especially like that the bed if for sleep and intimacy only!

I found this interesting research paper http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1690

I liked this line the best:

" the longest a human has remained awake was eleven days rats that are continually deprived of sleep die within two to five weeks, generally due to their severely weakened immune system (10),(11), (12)."

Clearly I need to sleep more! good heavens is rat can die within two weeks I better keep my Tylenol pm going and risk liver malfunction.

After a bit of research I was unable to find why those voices talk to me so much when I cannot sleep. Why do I jump from my children,to work, to the Rotary, to my dog, to my house, to a paper I wrote ten years ago,to my husband, to what I will cook for dinner, to my bills, back to my children, oh and there is my mother. Seriously I need to do more research...how to stop my brain. I will leave with one last place that was somewhat helpful and was not one of the million drug company sites http://helpguide.org/life/insomnia_treatment.htm.

Here is to a good night sleep!

So a Birthday

2010-01-05T19:51:00.003-05:00

Today was Dad's birthday and my parent's anniversary. Of course since Dad passed away on December 21st it was really neither. I felt badly for my mother. I am not sure that she really figured out or remembered that today was January 5th.... still I felt badly for her.

She was alone today and I am grateful that my daughter was able to spend a bit of time with her. It is not nice getting older, I feel horrible for my mother most days. I also selfishly think: is that me? How will I act at 82 years old? How will I feel? How will my children feel? I am not really happy with my answers.

Getting older sucks. I would like no more birthdays. Is that possible? Happy Birthday Dad. I hope that you are now celebrating a whole new day. Mom I am with you. I am sorry you are feeling alone. Birthdays...they are not so much fun after forty!

First Storm

2010-01-02T07:16:00.004-05:00

So here is the first possible storm of the season. I am looking at the ground and thinking: four more months! Just hang tough and before you know it April will roll around with the promise of spring. I really dislike winter.

I did not always dread winter, as a child I loved the snow it was so beautiful. I enjoyed skiing, sledding and ice skating. I would build forts with rooms and tunnels. It was a wonder land. My five year old granddaughter loves to try and build chairs in the snow. In winters past with the snow build up and large snow banks to create walk ways we would build little seats into the banks. She thought that was so cool. Maybe winter is for children.

I think I need to find a winter activity to help me like winter. Perhaps spending time at the gym would help :). I have a whole plan for that. http://stayingonme.blogspot.com/

Yeah that will work. Oh and football...all the way to the Super Bowl.

New Year

2010-01-01T08:13:00.003-05:00

It is so great to be here on the first of 2010. I love the sound of the year. I wonder, however, what will we call these years? We cannot say the 60's or 70's ...seriously the 10's sounds pretty silly.

What will come in this decade. When I see the list of top stories of the past decade...wow. How the world has changed. The fight on terror, 9/11 forever imprinted on our brains, our first black president, Iraq and Afghanistan, Tony Blair, George Bush, all of it seems beyond belief. Loosing yet the last of our beloved Kennedy brothers. For those of us in the Northeast the Kennedy's represented the closest thing to royalty we could ever imagine. I know that many hated Ted's politics but few hated the man. I listened to his dear friend Orin Hatch and figure that is as good a measure as one can get. http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/26482.html

So the decade was filled with a million and one things--- I particularly liked this OpChart in the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/12/27/opinion/28opchart.html and from the other side of our country these pictures are pretty telling from the LA Times http://www.latimes.com/la-2009photos-html,0,270887.htmlstory

So today we get to start with fresh white snow (up here in Maine) and a hope that this decade brings more promise and hope than the last. I certainly pray that Obama is correct that "we can" do better and will do better. Perhaps peace will get another chance and the world will come to its' collective senses. It is worth considering on this first day of 2010. I will miss Teddy though! Happy New Year.

Starting the Eulogy....

2009-12-29T07:44:00.002-05:00

The siblings (4) have decided that we will share the Eulogy...I, as the youngest will start. I have written and re-written my part a million times. We decided that we would each speak for two minutes...well now that was a trick too...it is hard to say much in that amount of time. To speak about a life time. I decided that his greatest attribute was that he gave of himself to his family...all of himself. It actually is better spoken than read but I am posting it here to keep it safe and somehow ease the difficulty of speaking it tomorrow. I pray I do not crack...if I start it will not stop.

Dad...

Today we say goodbye to a man who gave his life, every bit of it, to his family.

It has been a very long farewell -- over the past years we have come to know a very different man from the one we will recall today: a man with no words, no ability to tell stories and in the end not even to raise his own glass.

Today we will remember a man with a huge capacity to love--who gave endlessly. Still it is has been hugely important to know you both. To look into those beautiful blue eyes these past few years and feel honored to give back some small measure of all you gave to me.

Just over ten years ago you were given last rites after a massive stroke.(Dad loved this story) But a miracle occurred and you came back. I am certain out of love. Love for a woman and your family. That night on the 3^rd floor in Portsmouth Hospital as you reached out from the depth of your comma to touch Mom’s face it was so clear.

There was nothing, nothing that you would not do for love.

Did you know what lay ahead? The hard work of recovering from a stroke and years of fighting the horrible affects of Alzheimer’s? Would you have come back? ------ Yes there is no doubt. I think you knew that we were not ready to say good bye.

And so as you had done your whole life, you set aside your needs and met ours.

Jackie reminded me the other day of the book “The Giving Tree”…that story is your story. For those of you who do not know this book…a tree loves a boy, gives all she has to the boy…her branches for climbing and fun, her apples for the boy to sell as a young man, the branches to build a home, the trunk for a boat in his mid life crisis and her stump for the boy to rest late in life.

You Dad were that tree…giving to each of us in countless ways over the whole of your 84 years. You provided roots; the dependable son, husband, father and grand-father…the man who would drive miles for a concert, a game, to an art showing or for an ice cream. You provided branches…a beautiful farm house filled with animals and adventure, ski retreats and a lakeside paradise.

You built your home within our hearts so that it was never far and in the end you gave us a room to come, to visit and rest beside you.

You lived your love. You loved your life. You loved us.

How great a gift we all received.

Your defeat of death that day some 11 years ago was not your final gift. It was your slow, quiet and prepared death that gave us time to be here today ready to say goodbye. Thank you! I Love you.

My Father...Fly well

2009-12-23T07:39:00.004-05:00

On Monday morning December 21 my father passed away. He was in a nursing home, had been for years due to his advanced Alzheimer's disease. We received the call at 8:45 that he was struggling to breath, we had asked that we be notified if his condition changed so that he would not die alone. Despite our efforts he died with a care giver from the nursing home as we drove down I-95.

After the call we continued to the nursing home. We sat--my mother, sister, brother in law, son in law and daughter with Dad. It seemed right to remain after his death. We waited until the funeral home came to take him away. It was the last time I would sit with him in that familiar room, look at his pictures of family on the wall and listen to the hum of his air mattress. My sister arrived a few minutes before me and being the nurse (the one who had spent many of her early evenings in the past few years feeding him) she dutifully and lovingly cleaned him up and cut his nose hairs. It made my mother pleased.

As we waited one by his head, one at his feet, others moving about he remained the center of our focus. His warmth began to leave, as too I am certain did his soul. But we waited in that room, we talked, we cried and laughed (a little). Visits with Dad over the past years had become a source of connection for us all. Over the past months the great grand children had visited. They are four and five. Dad would watch as they closed his curtains in his semi private room and built a "fort". Sometimes he smiled and it was nice to see how they became less and less uncomfortable with this old man. He was, to them, great grandpa who lived in the nursing home. I think those visits entertained him, they made me feel good.

Today I awake and wonder where is he now? I miss him, I will miss that our patriarch is gone. Life goes on. Dad was a pilot I am certain he is flying well.

Holiday Parties

2009-12-17T06:47:00.003-05:00

Last night was the holiday party. It was a hoot. The venue was pretty sad, a local club that smelled kind of stale and had weird lighting. But what was great were that over 100 folks came out in the cold to share food, drinks and some dancing. I enjoyed the event, not totally enjoying this morning as I never drink hard alcohol and since they did not serve wine (told you already about the venue) and some years ago I became allergic (seriously) to beer I up and ordered Absolute. At 51 years old I am fully aware that vodka, in even small amounts, is not my friend. So today I am just a tiny bit tired, look older than my age and my head hurts.

I started to think of all the holiday parties in my lifetime, the good ones and the bad. I have to say that as a whole they are a commitment. That led me to wonder if all people feel this way. I will start to ask people about their "work" holiday parties. Do a mini survey on the topic, do you like it? Look forward? Is it an obligation or an event? What might the results be?

Ah well right now this old foolish lady needs to shower and try to conceal last night's Absolute. But hey it is already Thursday!

Running Late, Holiday Party and Budget Cuts

2009-12-16T06:30:00.003-05:00

Okay so I have spent the morning cruising blogs and I am running late for Rotary. I had to check in because I have established this discipline, or should say I am trying to establish the discipline. It has been a blue few days.

Tonight at TPC is our Holiday work party and we have over 100 folks coming. That is a good thing. I love to see everyone and just be able to enjoy an evening. Unlike other work events I am not expected to do a thing, no speeches, no big presentation. It is a good time for me to be with the folks that matter.

The economy and looming budget cuts have us all sitting on the edge of our seats. Maine, I am certain is like other states cutting every area of their budget. Supporting people with Developmental Disabilities always leaves you vulnerable to these cuts.

I am glad the party is tonight. I am proud of the work we do as an agency and the people who work for me. I am fortunate. I am clearly doing my own little self assurance here, keep stating that all is well and it will be, even for the pessimist. Right?

Friday, lovely lovely day

2009-12-11T07:26:00.004-05:00

What is great about Fridays? Often they represent pay day. For many, like me, the end of the work week. We spend a life time in school being conditioned to love Fridays. Eating out or ordering in is a great Friday treat. There is a whole restaurant chain called Fridays.

I love this day, the excitement that I get to go home and be with my family. I can stay up late and not worry about the 5:30 alarm and three snoozes. Truth be told I still fall asleep by ten because I will allow myself the extra drink tonight. Hey that is life on the edge. I will sleep until, hmmm maybe 7:30-Glorious!

It is the knowing that makes Friday great. I know that I can anticipate a day of my own choice without guilt. I can anticipate Patriots football and plan all day tomorrow the menu for Patriots football. I can spend a quiet hour in a beautiful place of worship on Sunday (at the 10:30 service ...remember got to sleep in!) I will possibly get my hair cut or my nails done or walk the beach at Dead Duck (Don't ask just is the name of our little beach). There are always a million more ideas and plans than ever get executed. That is the gift and greatness of Friday: a hundred possible things to do and I will choose them all!

Tuesday Behind the Big Desk

2009-12-08T07:00:00.004-05:00

Yes today is Tuesday and it is the second day back from vacation. I spent yesterday reviewing budgets, department outcomes and attending (part day) one division's staff retreat to regroup, find honest communication and their voice. Oh and did I mention a Rotary board meeting last night? No I am not on the board just a member but enjoy finding out what is going on and ....well truthfully I am in need of a make up meeting.

So after a week off, taking care of grand babies (my two baby girls now 5 and 4) I re-entered the other world of Deb. This Deb has pondered the reasons for many things but mostly sits with knowledge that she would rather not share. Leading an organization has some great perks, you get to set the pace, make decisions and have the final word. You enjoy a better pay, not much better but better. You feel important and hmmmm....I am running short!

The truth is very few decisions are truly yours. No good or bad deed will go unnoticed and the complaints will be upon your doorstep within minutes, sometimes before you even publicly make the decision (does someone read my mind and facebook my stuff?) The pace you set is never the pace you really want, trust me on this one. NO one goes at the pace I set....well maybe that is not true when I kick back (and at times leadership becomes too much and I find myself trying to do minimal things like clean up the web site or revisit mailing lists) it does seem that people slow down, relax and try to keep an eye on me.

Now feeling important, that is cool. I can and I may walk into a room full of those folks who work for me and command attention. I can get my name into the local paper once in a while for some new and cool thing I am a part of or I can just sit in my big office (which I gladly share as a conference room) and say wow how important am I? Just about then a dissatisfied customer calls me and I realize that my importance is high, the expediter, fixer of the problem that my decisions caused. I never went to school for this: who teaches complaint protocol 101?

Tuesday...today I will begin to fix, readjust and reassess. Today I make some decisions. I wonder if they already know?

Oh My Lord...patience is all I pray for! (Well and secretly money)

2009-12-06T13:12:00.004-05:00

So off to church today for my second week...oh boy we are off and running! I have had a long break from my faith pursuit. I have returned to my roots and the church of my childhood. But that aside the morning and all it took to get to church is my focus now.

The day started when grand baby Sky could not find her slippers. Not a happy morning person, not at all a morning person. After crawling in with Nana and "Bobob" at some ridiculous early hour she awoke to find them missing. The search and subsequent discovery of said slippers was a traumatic thirty minutes. The girls (both grand babies) and their mother decided to spend an hour in the woods with our two dogs...their dog (big black lab) and my dog (welsh corgi)...both dogs decided to roll in foreign animal pooh...very smelly, sticky and disgusting. Baths for dogs.

Mother, with Alzheimer's was moving from bathroom to bathroom totally thrown off by the dogs, misplaced her coffee four times, forgot where her curling iron was and asked at least ten times what time church started.

There were other moments not worthy of mention, the call from son to tell me a dozen reasons why he was not able to make it to boot hockey with Bobob. My step son's decision to wake up five minutes before he is to leave for his church (he prefers the local assembly of God) and expect access to the bathroom . Oh and did I mention that it snowed last night, first of the year so that all the cars were covered?

So we rush off to church with the snow covering the squirt part of my windshield wipers and the bright sun creating a visual nightmare. Get to church to only find that I did not fully understand the rules of church school for the girls. (that happens between the two services) so they are in church with Mom (who forgets where we are going) and me, Nana. I am not sure who was harder to control during church: the girls who found the small little "benches" which are really for knelling to be wonderful toys but when they tip make a very loud noise or great grandma. One of the bench events happened in the middle of the second Gospel reading. My mother moved her "little bench" all over the place, forgot where she was heading as we walked up for communion and the five year old had to say, loudly, "No Great Grammy this pew" as they wondered around the church two people ahead of me because the youngest grand baby freaked when the Priest tried to bless her. The sermon was good, I am pretty sure.

After communion I knelt down and prayed for patience---that was all....just patience. I am home now. I am waiting for the patience: patiently!

Oh No Saturday...the work day

2009-12-05T09:05:00.002-05:00

For all of us who work Saturday is the "home work" day. Doesn't it make you crazy that every Saturday morning the chores are piled up and the house is screaming for someone to care. I think my curtains are asking for Merry Maids! I sit on the couch and look at the wood floor, the one I really love and under every chair the dust is piled...these are not cute dust bunnies these are horrible creatures filled with disease and uckies.

So the day begins....cleaning goes on for at least the morning. Then off to fight the other stressed humans at Market Basket (the best deal around for groceries) and bump carts with folks who all seem to have the same look as that horrible guy "the bounty hunter". We are all exhausted, all frustrated, all wishing we were somewhere else. (That is my theory anyway- I like to generalize)!!!

I get to top off my Saturday with a visit to Dad, sometimes wonderful and often very sad. (Nursing homes by their very nature just suck). Of course looking forward to this day off, this week is even more bizarre as I was on vacation all week so here I am on the second to last day. Now that makes it even worse. But somehow it is still Saturday, no alarm, choice of duties and timing of duties and well a visit with Dad.

Being in Everyone's Head!

2009-12-01T12:43:00.002-05:00

I use the word codependency loosely but it is how I view myself, after 51 years of life I am pretty clear my diagnosis is correct. I live in every one's head, I think I understand what they are feeling, I react to that feeling and I feel all kinds of "stuff" based on that feeling. How about that for an explanation? No Wikepedia but you get the picture.

All my life I have felt blessed to be able to "read the room" very quickly. I meet someone and make quick judgments, then (this is where it gets good) I react to the person based on those "readings" and generally I give them what they want. Sounds easy, but live a lifetime of this and it is exhausting. I have only begun to understand the full power of this in my life now as I struggle to meet more needs, divergent needs than is possible. I have decided that I could, if I could sit still long enough, write a book about this lifestyle. I think I would title it "Codependents cannot train Dogs". See the empathy factor of a good codependent makes it impossible to be the Alpha Dog. That is my theory anyway.

So for today I accept this is who I am and will try harder to forgive folks in my life for my unrealistic expectations. I will also try to remember that I give to give not to get back.

Holidays over--great time for vacation

2009-11-30T09:22:00.003-05:00

So what a great time to take some vacation days. I had a whirlwind Thanksgiving which was better because I knew that Monday would be all about me. Just getting time to cruise with hubby and hit second hand stores, have a lunch somewhere new and enjoy the ride. We are pretty simple in our fun.

Mom is back home, did I mention she left for a few weeks? She was not happy recently, she is not happy a lot lately. The Alzheimer's nightmare has been harder on her these past months. She is forgetting more and more and has faced her inability to drive. This forgetting makes her cranky and understandably depressed. Of course she was never one to take depression lightly. So after a few days with Becky (sister) and Lynn (other sister) she has returned. Last night she rearranged her room! Alone! This morning we rode to take the grand kids to school (their Mom is studying for law exams). It made Great grammy happy to see the school and be a part of the morning routine. It made the girls happy to show off their school. It was a good thing. As for the rest ...it is not easy but nothing is. I pray for patience for us all.

Off to shop for deals with Bob...the beans are baking and life in Eliot is quiet and peaceful.

Family, the gift of grandchildren

2009-11-24T20:45:00.002-05:00

I sit here in the dark with my two grandchildren, two beautiful girls and think how blessed I am. They have spent two days at work with me, trying at times..hmmm that would be yes! But overall impressive. They found the porch at the administration office where I work, it is an older building with a side sun porch (no furniture) just loud wooden flooring and a row of windows. They ran up and down it, they brought their treasures of paper and bits of clay into it and they called it a fort! They moved from beneath the small kitchen table in our office to the porch and to the fort made of my conference table chairs and a throw blanket..oh yes and one pink scarf of mine. Stories and make believe while I answered emails and made obligatory phone calls. We went to the main day program site where our walking trails begin and they ran around the small loop, played on the edges of the container gardens and made up stories about the lawn swing. At five and four the whole world is an adventure.

I sit here in the dark putting into words the moments that I partially ignored today, busy with grants to get out, a family member in need of residential placement and a staff meeting to address fears and rumors regarding budget cuts and lay offs. All the while in my view, parallel to my so important world these two delightful creatures centered my reason for being. I am blessed.

LIfe it is Crazy

2009-11-23T20:01:00.003-05:00

So here it is ....the holiday season and here we are with all that expectation and baggage. I used to visualize my "baggage" as a big ole pile of garbage following me around. The dutiful puppy, which I never owned because all of my dogs are raised by me and out of control. A good codependent has issues raising dogs. Maybe that should be the title of my book.

I digress which is something I do with great frequency, rather enjoy it actually. I liken it to stringing the "chain of causation" in a good tort case. How do all these seemingly unlike factoids actually fit into one conversation? Simple they are all related to the same author.

Okay so my mother is fighting with my sister and with the world. My mother who has lived with me the past two years and brought all of her dysfunction and her issues to the mix, who left to be with my other sister two weeks ago in a huff, a bad night and now is with other sister. The respite has been wonderful but it is sad because she is not wonderful. All in all she is upset, angry and now will not come to my stupid house for Thanksgiving. Well okay but we still have your life to deal with and the three sisters,whom you raised to distrust and generally dislike each other..who by the way have only really come back to liking each other in the past few years, are struggling to work through all this. What a life. Confused? So am I. But hey it is the holidays. Happy Turkey day with whatever that brings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Busy Busy

2009-11-20T07:51:00.003-05:00

So where have I been? I am not sure. Busy very busy. I realize that sometimes I make myself busy with no real purpose but just keep moving.I over achieve (just a bit) and well maybe I should say I try to over achieve...and then always have this need to do more. I want to spend more time playing brain quest with Lexie and Sky. We play in the mornings before school ...it is routine. For every answer we drink our smoothies (all natural yogurt, berries and honey) hope that I am not teaching them drinking games! Sure is a great way to get a full glass of nutrition down! I am going to find ways to slow down. Yes I am...really!

Visiting Dad

2009-11-05T07:14:00.002-05:00

So I spoke to Hospice and I talked to the nurses to convey that we really do not want them to force him to eat. I have asked that they discontinue feeding him supplements of calories (to what end I ask?) and that they respect that he and his family understand he is dying. My goodness my poor Dad has been dying a slow death for years. Nancy Reagan was not kidding when she said "the long good bye". I is a horrible disease and a horrible existence. My father would never have wanted to live this way. Yesterday I went to see him before work, he looked old and tired in the morning, really old. He tried to smile and his blue eyes met mine a few times and then he fell back to sleep. I miss him, have missed him for a while now...and yet if I could find a way to scoop him out of that place and bring him home to die....I would in a minute. I will ponder that today.

Life's Circles...the family tree!

2009-11-03T07:01:00.003-05:00

This weekend was filled with so many things. My father who is in end stages of Alzheimer's was on death's door and suddenly has yet again (seriously ever since he came back from his brain hemorrhage ten years ago after last rites he has had several of these come backs) revived himself...This time it seems he is making contact with all of us. It is so bizarre..no he is not saying "Hello Deb there are so many things I have wanted to share over the last five years"but he is making eye contact...nodding and looking more alert than he has for years. If you mention someones name he looks at his bulletin board with all the family pictures as if he is trying to find them. Each of us, my sisters and I have had moments with him this last week that have been amazing. My daughter Jackie spent an hour with him the other day and what a gift! He is not the frail,thin, toothless old man that you first find when you enter his room. He is Dad and grandpa. He is getting ready to die.

On the other extreme two grand babies who currently live with me have been fighting the flu. Poor girls are both sick,the oldest one having had two separate trips to the ER after rejecting the anti viral medications given. Holding them and caring for them is so profound after just holding Dad's hand. Life goes on and circles back to this little family in this giant universe. Mine.

Life...wondering and worry

2009-10-26T19:27:00.002-04:00

What is the difference between wondering about things and worry? When do you cross the line from I wonder "what if" or I wonder "how come" to worrying "what if" and "how will I"? I have decided that many times I am more in a wondering frame of mind and that worry is a more common word, more familiar. I grew up with the Queen of Worry...my Mom. I think, in retrospect, it sounds much kinder and cooler to think of her as the Queen of Wonder. See the difference?

The other night I wondered about my son, my daughter and my checking account for many hours between 1am and 4am...but mainly I wondered if the strong smell of fuel would kill me or my family. Bob at one am did not find it worthy of wonder and groggily asked that I just trust him...all was okay...at 3am upon waking with the smell stronger than ever he decided to wonder too. This led to the realization that it was not our furnace...such a great piece of information for all my wondering-rather we had placed our generator in its' new location and the fuel line was leaking..ah I wonder how that happened? I am glad to know that the smell of gas will not kill you...will, in some cases lead to lack of sleep and a slight case of resentment for those who can sleep. I wonder if my checking account could be as simple as the fuel smell?

Family, Work and Soup

2009-10-20T07:09:00.002-04:00

So Dad is sick again...but this time it is really sad. He is in pain and I worry they are not fully appreciating the situation. He cannot speak but his lips are swollen perhaps from medications or more likely (as he is doing this) from holding them tightly shut. He refuses to eat --maybe sore throat ... what is sad is that he continues to linger and we cannot reach him to know what he needs. It is such a horrible disease. Sunday I could not wake him and yesterday my sister reported the same, thank goodness she is a nurse and will address some concerns she has about his pain and the medications that they are using and not using.

Off to work, moved offices and that feels like a fresh start. Just wish I could figure how to make the toughest choices when it comes to making the bottom line work. I also wish I could figure out how to motivate people who seem to not be so. It seems at times that for many, even those I would think should be otherwise, they just don't really care or take care maybe is a better word of what we have...it is hard I know to push that extra mile. It is a hard thing to relate to as an over achiever. The cause seems so clear and the work so important yet we struggle...I worry that there is a better way to lead and wonder how that might be.

But at the end of the day I come home to my little apartment away from home and get my progresso soup...it is quiet and I will reflect the days events...read my book and sleep. So goes the world in Oxford County.

Family, football and cabbage

2009-10-18T21:14:00.003-04:00

Today was a bit of a struggle...started with bumps that seemed to carry through the morning and are here with me tonight. Feeling the stress of working far away and being out of home for days at a time. Also feel the stress that my family is under. Just usual stuff but more of it here on the set of "lives of the old, disabled, screwed up and hopelessly codependant"! blah,blah, blah....rain and snow too! Visited Dad today and that was a bust, he would not even wake up.

Football game was good...Pats had a blow out and it was pretty much a wrap by half time. And the cabbage soup was pretty tasty ..although I do not recommend the red cabbage for it..the purple color just does not speak to me. Taste's okay but not the same as plain old green cabbage. So that was the day...family-football-cabbage.

The radio and quiet time.

2009-10-12T19:35:00.003-04:00

I do not want winter. I want more summer. More warm evenings and long light days...ah but winter waits for no one. It is cold outside and I fear here we are about to get snow in Maine.

I am listening to a radio show, not fully aware of the subject..it is about baseball and I think that Bob would love to listen and would appreciate the conversation...Reggie Jackson is talking right now and I know he could give me a run down of his stats and life time in baseball. It is a time that I miss Bob.

I like the conversation going on...makes my time alone up here in South Paris feel less lonely. Makes it easier to spend the night, the quiet not so noticeable. I have found that coming here is hard...I hate leaving home and my family. I hate when I call home and I hear the grandchildren in the background and think that could be my reality in a year or so ALL the time. I hate missing my little doggie Hannah while I am away....I want to go home but hate the drive back and when I get here it is a bit like running a ten miler...you put your head into it and just keep going b/c stopping half way is death. I miss home. But here I am ready for rest starting a long week.

Dad's Door

2009-10-02T06:14:00.003-04:00

Last night I felt my Dad was calling me...woke up and he was emotionally in the room with me. My Dad is well into end stages of Alzheimer's...several times we have been called by the nursing home with fear that he maybe giving up...he has not. The last time I saw him I looked into his eyes for a very long time and told him how much I missed him. Though I did not mean to cry I could not fight my tears. He held my hand (which he often does but then he did something unusual, he rubbed my forearm as if to comfort). I know that when you love someone with this disease you grasp at straws...look for that small spark in the eye or that smile that says...Yeah I know you, I love you, I forgive that you leave me here in this place...But really they do not often come. Just when I think he is responding he responds the same way to his CNA.

I woke up last night and missed him, felt him with me in a strange way. I usually do not go every weekend (selfishly it is so painful and the time it takes feels not only wasted often but like punishment) I know that is not the way I would like to think of myself...I should be the daughter with endless love (as he had for me) who spends her free time at his side but ten years later it seems alot to be with him a few times a month. I know if he could speak, he would tell me to use my time for his great grandchildren and his grandchildren. He would remind me that he knows how much love we share and that together or apart nothing changes that. He would tell me that he spends his time in a new space now that does not require conversation. Still I look for him to offer something and I hide from the truth that he cannot and never will again. But something calls and I am not sure what. I think I will visit tomorrow and find out.

Gym time...This is the it!

2009-10-01T06:29:00.002-04:00

Okay it has been a few days in a row..I am getting over the "after work" thing. I can get to the gym at 6pm and it is okay. In fact it is really good. So I am going to push forward and see where it takes me. I do know that if I do not make time to go daily I will not go at all. So here is to the rest of my week.

Monday--feeling like a BEAR!

2009-09-28T20:33:00.002-04:00

So it is a Monday. I feel sad to be away from my family this Monday. It has been a wonderful weekend and I am not making the work a week adjustment. It will come, I know it will. I have felt restless lately. I had a friend who once told me that I am addicted to change...she was right I think. I am never fully satisfied and often want for more, even when I am not certain what more would look like. As my friend Nancy says: I will ponder this.

Today was a bad day for working out-tomorrow is to the gym at lunch time. Keep me honest and ask me! I am tired and miss my comfortable bed in Eliot...this one in South Paris sucks! Oh well at least I can kick off the covers as much as I want without anyone sighing. The hot flashes, while not so regular, still kind of creep me out. Here we go to Tuesday! Better days a coming.

Yesterday's list

2009-09-27T08:12:00.002-04:00

Okay so I drove by the doggie walk and fundraiser. I looked for an island without success. I found a great deal on a new refrigerator since ours went on the fritz...and I cooked cabbage stew (yummy). I spent the day with my daughter and grand kids, the afternoon part with Bobby...and it was a pretty darn good day. Oh yes and I did NO work, work...well maybe one email. But really nothing. I did a very very short work out...but did walk.

Today I plan to do a fuller exercise, have a nice pork roast (saw on Martha) and watch the Patriots game. I am working hard to not have plans today...I will report what that feels like...oh my goodness I feel them creeping into my head as we speak but resisting. Wish me luck.

Feeling like I always carry a flock of stuff to do!!!

2009-09-26T07:07:00.004-04:00

The alarm went off, I always forget to change it for the weekend (I suspect part of me enjoys hearing it, shutting it off and then saying "yeah I do not have to get up" smile and roll over). I must admit I often get up by 6:30 anyway...so this morning I hung out thinking, as I do most mornings about the day ahead.

Here was the chain of thoughts:

I need to sand and repaint my stairs

I want to attend the Cocheco Animal Rescue Dog Parade with girls and Hannah

I think I will make cabbage stew (got cabbage in my csa this week)

I really should start painting the kitchen cabinets

I want to find a functional island for my kitchen to improve my cooking space

I must work out, maybe I will join the gym on the route one by pass

I need to do some work-work

........ And so it goes, now I am sitting feeling that it is almost nice that I wrote it all down...does not look so bad. I also realize that much will get side tracked no matter how hard I try to organize it all and move forward. But what is amazing to me is that I cannot just enjoy the quiet day off...that I always have this need to do and accomplish. I am working on that. Really I am.

Okay working out no so good....

2009-09-18T06:18:00.003-04:00

Yes that is me and hubby at Pine Island and he cannot keep his eyes open...haha. But I look kind of okay so.

One day at the gym...one...and well few meager attempts at exercise in the mornings. What is up with this? I am certain that I can do this and I am more certain that I need to. My main question is what is up with the attitude? Why am I still ignoring my body and my needs. I have a roll in my midsection...Good heavens what more do I need?????

I am sitting here on Friday morning and you know what? I am going to my last day of the leadership Institute for MANP and I have no, zero intent on exercising. Okay I will do my 15 minute warm up in the morning. Seriously as soon as I am done here that is what I will do. Really! BTW the training has been wonderful. I have got to get myself to some more of this stuff, it inspires me and gives me mental energy. There were some of the best trainings I have participated in, Bravo to MANP.

Okay so ladies here is to my last sip of coffee and a few minutes with one of the freebies on Exercise TV.com ...great place to get work out video that you can run on your computer. It is FRIDAY....yippee.

PS sending extra special good vibes to my friend Nancy!!!!!

We are not getting younger!

2009-09-14T20:14:00.003-04:00

Darn it we just will never get younger. No amount of "cover up" will hide the circles that now have taken up residence below my eyes--they were my favorite part of my face...poor babies now often look worn out and framed by wrinkled skin. My muffin top...a phrase I only learned from Exercise TV is now seriously holding my bra far from my pant top...which could be better than the under wire for which I pay dearly in my bra! I am tired by 7pm and get up to go to the bathroom at least three times before I sleep and at a minimum twice during the night. Alright I confess the occasional night when I sleep at 10 and wake up at 5am with excitement beyond belief that I slept threw the night...simple things.

Ladies we certainly have gotten a tough deal...no doubt. But then there are moments when I love so deeply, as I look at my children or hear my grand babies say something so sweet and cute that I am lost to my pains. We are so fortunate to be the ones who bring life to the world and who get to cherish all its' special moments. No offense to the guys...it is just not the same. Helps me to get past the lines growing around my mouth.

Been Tired and well Not Sure

2009-09-13T21:37:00.002-04:00

Okay so I have been out of sorts...the days fly by and the to do list never shortens...too many loose ends and too few hours. I feel I have no right to be a whiner but I cannot resist. I fully appreciate that I am feeling sorry for myself, yes indeed this is a pity party.

I am going to pick it up. Seriously I need to work out, get out and do somethings for myself. So I am trying to figure out what thing it will be this week. But for tonight I still have to find emails for my Rotary membership committee meeting. So while I ponder (love that word took it from Nancy B) what next to do that will make my life fuller and my mind at ease I will email a few Rotarians. Any thoughts ladies? I need a push...a BIG one to get out of my own way. Happy Football season. :)

Some days get Long!

2009-08-24T20:53:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking how some days seem so long...what is that anyway? I can wake up on a day with seemingly nothing important to do and the whole thing flies by. Then there are others that drag endlessly...one meeting to the next, one task to the next all very, very slowly.

I think at times when life throws out curve balls...when family, friends and wellness all become fragile and I become annoyed with the tedious tasks of the day. I have a friend who is facing breast cancer...I have an ex brother in law (whom I care deeply for) who is also facing breast cancer. Both face surgery and difficult times in the next months. Both have deeply touched me. Their lives give me reason to stop and to feel my living in a different way. I see the odds in simple numbers, each day a gift and yet as it passes I am aware that I am statistically closer to the failings of our human bodies and minds. I feel sad and blessed to be with people who face the dark places. I want to know the right words to say, the right way to be present without being trite. I see with brilliant clarity my silly concerns amidst their bravery. Ah life is funny and some days seem so long. It is good that night is here and I am ready to let go. I will send positive thoughts to my two friends.

Who among us knows Hallelujah?

2009-08-19T21:37:00.003-04:00

My hubbie has this thing he does...every day he posts the "song of the day" on Eliot on Line...it is a local list serve. He puts a great deal of thought into these songs...such as Sunday is always spiritual and the weeks have themes. Recently he posted a song that has been with me for days by its' original author...it is a beautiful song and worth the listen.

Hallelujah...is the song and the original creator was Leonard Cohen...the words are so beautiful. The images he creates with his words are so wonderful...there is a line that he uses "its a very cold and broken hallelujah" and so many times in my life I have known that feeling...but I am grateful that I know the hallelujah...so take a listen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttv5dyvtF4o

Happy Happy Hallelujah!

What about the heat?

2009-08-17T19:15:00.002-04:00

Okay it is hot. Really hot. It has been a long time since I have been forced to live without air conditioning and this is crappy. I am trying to think what it is like for millions of folks who live without the advantage of AC. I am becoming one with them. Well not really because I have several fans...but still no cold air. I have waited all summer for this and now I ask myself what it is I like about hot weather anyway. Oh and did I mention in my new tiny and ucky apartment I have no good food...seriously...black coffee, a few cans of soup (progresso of course) and some black beans. No sugar, no good fruit and no yummy chocolate. Wow maybe I can loose weight. But it is hot here on this second floor walk up. A life time, a huge mortgage on a too big, too old, too new england home in beautiful Eliot Maine...but here I am in a four plex in South Paris...yep life has some funny turns now don't it? I think this is a tylenol pm night.

So when you find regular America...farm land, hard working and hard playing families romantic. Let me tell you this. It is hot in a heat wave!

Reset...time to start a new way of doing!

2009-08-09T07:44:00.002-04:00

This morning I am going to walk on Dead Duck Beach. terrible name--great place. I am taking Hannah the puppy with me and we will stroll along the sand. I am going to kayak again today..yesterday was very nice...sunny and quiet. I am going to do a few things for work on my "to do" list and I am going to get happier.

I have to find a balance in my days and stop worrying. The sun is shining so it should be a nice day for all these plans. I will exercise and spend a few minutes on personal reflection. Wish me Luck!

I am tired...Did I sign up for this?

2009-08-08T22:19:00.003-04:00

Do you ever find yourself saying..breath...just breath or trying to find a way to escape the reality in your sights. I am so tired of the grind. I am not trying to have a pity party---well maybe a bit. I find the grind each day to be just a tiny bit exhausting. The million things that need to be fixed...the million more that should be fixed and the other million I want to fix because they make me crazy to look at.

I am pretty sure my life could be a reality TV show...seriously you would only have to spend a week here at my house and you would agree. I live with a ridiculous number of people...my husband, my mother (82 and vrey tired!!), my daughter and her two children...my lovely grand daughters 3 and 5, a man (28) with developmental disabilities, and my son who has just returned from many years in Chicago...long story you can fill in the blanks. Here we all are..broken, crazy and well, yes tired.

I am not sure how I got here. I know that it should be much quieter these days but instead we have added so much more. Mostly, it is not the people I am frustrated with but the roof, the wet basement and the many places that require paint. I am tired of my husband telling me that this or that cannot be done, he is likely frustrated with me asking...I find myself looking at my house wondering if this year the tornado season might strike 682 River Road with a bang..or a swoosh or whatever would require a total rebuild. (of course all of us would be at dinner at Ruby's at the time) So with all these thoughts and issues running through my head I am tired. Did I mention that my mother does not like my husband?

Books and Things

2009-08-03T07:25:00.002-04:00

I have this book, it was returned to me after I had loaned it and what is most important is that I have loaned this book many times but this was my original read. I open the book to all my notes and comments, my underlines and I feel like I have traveled to a woman long ago yet still the same. I see the words that I wrote in the margins and I am amazed to feel so much the same. The book is a favorite about faith and being a woman, it is a remarkable read and often people have not heard of it. The book is An Interrupted Life, The Diaries of Etty Hillesum 1941-1943.

Here is a quote that has always been a favorite:

"As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts which we accept with gratitude."

What a wonderful thought indeed. Perhaps that is why the people I have worked with all my life, people with developmental disabilities, are generally grateful for small things. It is both sad that they would have lower expectations but perhaps the one thing that I love the most. I am continually witness to what is good about life through their eyes.

What is up with the "Downs"?

2009-07-29T08:34:00.002-04:00

So just when life is chugging along and you think you have some little amount of control...the downs hit again. What is up with that? Yesterday we had a set back on the home front, revisiting the darkness of addiction and watching someone you love struggle is so hard. Even hard for a person who feels like a life time of watching, hoping, praying and crying is enough. But then it is never enough...so why?

I said to Bob that he will never fully appreciate my side, it is hard for people who are in recovery to ever fully appreciate the side kick's role. The co-dependent wife, mother, friend ....blah blah blah. You wish so hard in your heart to gain control, to make the person right and yet you cannot...you want so to believe that even as the lies are spoken to you, even as you know them to be lies, you try to find some small piece of possibility to hold on to. It is an illusion, you know it is and slowly it kills you, sucks the life out of you and you realize that the only thing you control is yourself. I am not there today.

I am sad and worried. I carry the weight and burden of addiction for a loved one and it makes all of me hurt, I know it is wrong I am aware it does no good but here I am. So I will try to walk through the day, I will visit old friends and try to engage and not resent that my day is not what I had hoped for...a long series of those in a life time should give me some starting point.

And yes I will travel the pathways of my life, journey to days gone by and wonder what I was thinking then...how much damage did my own brokenness cause. I will visit those regrets like old fussy sweaters that you try own, feel a degree of comfort while knowing it is hopelessly outdated and smelly. Still I will sit with it for a while.

I pray. I have not other place to be.

Oh No lost all my stuff computer crash

2009-07-28T22:31:00.001-04:00

I feel horrible..and on this new lap top having issues with typing. I lost my beloved HP laptop! I am not sure what happened. Hard Drive corrupt--those were the words and now I am with new lap top...not happy and all my "stuff" is gone. I have no ones email, no files that were saved and most of all my out look is lost with all my mail folders. UCK. I am having a second opinion on the hard drive as we speak. I just know that some computer whiz out there can find my stuff. It is amazing how much we come to depend on these things. So here it is friends...if you do not hear from me please email as likely I have lost your email with my out look address book. I am sick and will have to ponder recovery. Hope this finds all your computer hard drives in one piece.

I wanna be in Bookelia

2009-07-25T22:54:00.003-04:00

Tonight I wish I was in Bookelia on Pine Island, just sitting on the beach with the sun on my face and the girls looking for shells. I am amazed when I look at the pictures that I did not take more. I really would love to be a better photographer. So much of life passes and I barely have a picture to document the passing. But in the dark of my room I am thinking of the smells sounds of the beach. I looked at pictures of the vacation with Lulu (one of my granddaughters) earlier today and she got all emotional looking at them. She wants to live in Bookelia...why not all we do all day is play. Each morning I got up at 7 (late for me) briefly checked my email and the headlines for the day then went to sit on the beach. She would join me and immediately want to look for shells or little baby jelly fish. Sky (beautiful granddaughter number two) would follow shortly after (she is not so much of a morning person). We would look for new additions to our little beach and watch the pelicans dive for breakfast. Then we would sort out the shells, the pretty rocks and other artifacts in the sun to dry. Breakfast and the day began.

I ran everyday...or walked at least two miles and returned to the swimming pool with the girls...we hung out there til at least lunch...naps were a must (for everyone) and the lazy afternoons ran into dinner and feeding of the seagulls...that was about it...and that was what makes Bookelia so wonderful. I miss wonderful. Too bad we do not do more of that everyday.

Monday Morning

2009-07-20T05:47:00.003-04:00

The alarm went off far too early this morning pulling me from a delightful dream land filled with the usual confusion and charm. I wanted to snooze at least once but did not. Sitting here with my coffee, which is a bit strong for my taste (but am thankful I do not have to make it in my Eliot home) I ponder the week ahead. These early morning minutes when all is quiet are precious. Often times my best work is done between five and nine in the morning before my feet ever hit pavement at the office parking lot.

Of course, this morning, like many I start with a personal catch up. Check my email..the usual stuff, Bob's list serve song of the day, two Belief.net emails (often inspiring but not always opened), weather alert (not inspiring but curious also not always opened), a few staggered emails from the previous evening and as always the daunting pile of emails in need of action: delete, folder, forward but ignoring them is the choice of the day. I know what they contain. I have seen most of them on my blackberry already. But here they are crying out...get organized, clean us up, free yourself from the bondage of email. Nope. Close outlook. This is Monday and there is a whole week ahead.

Ah sitting here quietly, the fan softly whirling. Putting a few thoughts to words. Visiting my face book and waking up slowly....that is a good thing. The emails will be there after my first cup of coffee as will the rest of the day. Right now it is just me and the quiet Monday morning.

Keeping Faith-Praying for a Friend

2009-07-15T05:30:00.003-04:00

Sometimes we are faced with scary things in our lives. Sometimes we are asked to understand the unexplainable. Why is a young man with a world in front of him addicted to alcohol while so many of his age can enjoy and indulge with no ill effects? Why does this disease threaten to take the life of this man and so many others? Why do people we love become ill? Why do good people end up with horrible diseases and leave us saddened at their lot in life? Why do some people suffer mightily with relationships and mental illness?

Is faith about not asking why? Is faith about something more than our simple desire to explain the events that do not fit our plan?

Here is what I know. There is a God, we all have access, in a million languages and ways we are able to speak to and know God. God represents love and love is about trust. I would almost venture to say that trust is the hardest and most powerful of all the emotions we experience in love. That when all else fails this trust is the only thing that brings me peace and hope. When I spend time quietly each day with God, with my faith, my life is better. Not better because bad things do not happen but better in that I am able to move through those things with hope and faith that I am loved and cared for.

Brennan Manning ...(a total favorite of mine) puts it so beautifully when he is describing what he believes God would say to us if....
"My child, fan the flame of your confidence in Me. Keep it burning. I want you to be happy, to come back again and again to this feeling of trust until you are never without it. Trust is an aspect of love. If you love Me and believe in My love for you, you will surrender your whole self into My hands like a little child who doesn't even ask, "Where are you taking me?" but sets off joyously, hand in hand with his mother. How many blessings this happy confidence wins for you, My little one......In all of this see My tenderness. It is everlasting."