Saturday ...Yard Sales...Exercise...Chores

Saturday mornings always create huge conflicts for me. There are so many possibilities and only one day.

Yard sales present a huge pull...going around town to purchase my neighbors junk and add it to my junk. Always believing that the one thing you need most will magically appear on some one's front yard. Of course to be really good at this one must be at the gate early and that defeats some of the beauty of Saturday morning.

Exercise...hmmm does it count that I read a blog about running this morning and totally missed my years of the pavement? Almost put on my sneakers and hit the tar before the grand babies rise up and want food, attention and love? I have guilt that I am still sitting her without moving and have mostly decided that I can do this activity later. Yes I know that is partly denial but I will live with the clutter it creates in my brain for now.

Chores...oh my goodness where to begin? The back yard is looking very bleak...no grass in parts, a miss matched bunch of camping chairs around the fire pit and the tent that was airing out really needs to dry and be put away. There are two major closet cleanings that must be done as space in our little house is at a premium with grand babies and son back from Chicago. Then there are the usual Saturday chores that simply need attention no matter what...trash, vacuum, kitchen floor, sheets and beds, groceries and cooking for the week...I do not delude myself that I can cook during the week, and the lawn (with our without the tent needs to be mowed). I am tired again. Maybe I should sleep for another hour.

Thinking, Valerie and Nutri Systems

So this morning I watched Valerie in her latest Nutri commercial about how she lost forty pounds and how great she is doing. Do you know what I immediately thought " yeah honey just wait it will come back" then I slapped myself (well not really) But honestly why could I not just feel happy for her! I did have this other thought...last night I spent the night in South Paris alone...I was able to accomplish so much...I cleaned (places I would never usually clean:corners, door knobs, ect) I shopped and resupplied the kitchen (the grand babies are coming today for a few days with their Nanny) and I finished reading the documents on goal attainment. I have decided it is much easier to take care of yourself when you are alone! I bet Valerie gets alone time!

So what do you do when that is a rare event (luckily since it would be lonely otherwise).

I want to learn to be alone, or find time alone despite the competing needs of those around me. Who among us does not know the way our name being called grinds the last nerve. The poor soul who dares to simply call me from across the room or the house when I have hit the limit of giving for a day. I want to scream...I know that my 'what" response has the tone of "WHAT NOW".

So her I am looking at lovely Valerie, every one's American girl, in her white dress who has made herself a priority. I wonder if the over weight woman, I weigh more than I should, look at her and say "Oh this is great...all I have to do is pay for food to be delivered and get a personal trainer". I do not feel any relationship with her. I feel relationship to the women out in the world who are raising children or grandchildren, taking care of their elderly parent(s), supporting a relative in recovery from something, working one or two jobs to make the mortgage and trying to find a moment at the end of the day to read a few pages of a good book or watch HGTV.

Seriously this thing called life and family and work is a real kick. Hard work indeed. And for me, a codependent who reads into everyone Else's actions, words and looks it is an exhausting proposition. Add in over achieving and a healthy sense of guilt for all that I ever did wrong or the million things that I have yet to do and I live in the eye of the storm. But I do not think I am alone....in fact I know I am not. And I knowing that makes all the difference. Knowing that people live my story, that women I respect and look up to also struggle with these issues makes me feel not so lonely. I actually am convinced that is the power of most 12 step programs...a fellowship of people all working together to be whole and live with eyes open and clear.

So here I am smiling because I have this little Blog to lay it all out and reflect. Come to think of it this is my time alone! How cool is that. One step at a time. One day, forgive the relapse ...mine is that I have stopped taking care of Debbie...so today I am here anew ready for a 24 hour chip. I can do this thing. I am going to find 20 min right now to exercise and enjoy some quiet time tonite before bed with my soul reading. Here's to day one!

Mania and Quiet and God

I live my life many times in two modes. Mania (this mode is very efficient, focused and moves mountains) however I do not sleep much. Then I get quiet. Pulling in the resources and living in my head. (this one has the power to be very constructive but can also be dark and filled with a repeating laundry list of Deb's unmet needs, undone projects and all the people she is letting down). Both of these places assume a power that is absurd don't you think? Seriously since when am I the keeper of every one's well being and how does anyone move at triple speed without collision?

Tempered, held gently I have been able to live these two people in me, most of the time to my advantage. I rest on the down times and read, keeps me out of my own ego. I try to do the social obligations and share my ideas with folks when in over drive and sometimes something sticks. But ultimately like and addict I had to learn a while back that I do not have total control. I can control so many things, (see as I say this I hear the tape ..of course you can control it ...it is your life for goodness sake) BUT I know, in fact, that I cannot . There are time despite my 51 years of experience and knowledge I fail to stop the flood of ideas, the brain speak and the warp speed at which it assails me. I fine the urgency for more does not easily rein in, rather like a race horse given full lead.

It is when I live in my FAITH that I am at my best. No ladies I am no evangelical, I am not a crazy right wing Bible thumper, I am however a believer. I believe with all my heart that once I found my faith my life changed for the better. Like all other areas of my life my degree of commitment and energy given to my faith waxes and wanes but the knowledge that I am loved by God, is so profound that it refuses to be denied. Since my early forties (when I figured it out...when I heard the words "you are loved") I have never been the same. Some would say I am a new testament, easy rider. I am. I love the Gospels...I love all they have to say about life and goodness and kindness and morality. I love the man who was Jesus, the simple carpenter, the healer, the father. But most of all I love living in the knowledge that Grace and Mercy are with us always. Are ours for the asking...some folks really do not like this simple believing and that is fine. But for me it is what I know in all of my being. We are all loved profoundly. We are all filled with faults and fears and misgiving. And that is okay. We need to but reach out to the hem of life with faith that love is the profound healer and experience the joy. That is all the knowing I need even in this chaotic imperfect world. Feel loved today...you are!

Faith and Hope ,,,Body?

So as I work my faith and hope how do I also take care of my body. I realized that I have been so far behind, this is not a good sign. I find the fifteen or twenty minutes in the morning to give to reading and saying hello to my Blog buddies. But I forget to take care of the shell that protects this wonderful human being (no I do not fully believe that but we are working) Asking yourself who is we? My soul, myself, my faith, my God, all of us....we are all in here. Today I commit to a walk before I end the day and a twenty minute stretch and yoga work out. Now you heard it here!

I am leaving for meetings and business but carrying with me the hopefulness that I can find balance and peacefulness in my heart. This is when the big girl has to take over. It is so easy to find all those things with limited demands and just yourself but when you are called to hold the fragile huddle of family together, as mothers and sisters and aunts often do, that is where we lead.

Have I said I am a hopeless codependent?

First I should say there is hope. There is always hope. Then I should say that I am in fact a recovering (forever) codependent. I am actually searching for blogs, ones that actually make sense to me, that discuss codependency, without whining or over the top sappy music. Oh yes I am a cynic as well.

Saturday morning: my adorable grandchildren are awake and looking for breakfast (we are currently working on just one breakfast rather than an on going series of them). The three year old is not eating because the toast is too dark, the four year old wants more bananas in her yogurt and maybe eggs instead.


Enter my mother who has Alzheimer's, lives with us and is been prone to some really crabby attacks (verbal) on my husband and on my son Matthew (of course I am not sure about me as she does not generally direct them at her target but to anyone else who will listen until her second glass of wine when everyone is fair game). We will not even discuss this mirror of life, but suffice it to say this is not new behavior just a bit more blatant with the disease she has.

Now my son needs a ride to his morning meeting at St Raphael's in Kittery, he is staying with us back from four years of living in the Windy City, Chicago, which as he says "seriously kicked his butt" and left him fighting his demons and for a new direction in his life. While I am enormously proud of his efforts and his admissions at 23 of a life out of control, it is a very very big weight on my heart to see him suffer.

Shawn, the 28 year old disabled man with whom we live, don't feel too badly we do get paid for this, is down stairs pacing because he is going to visit a friend and waiting for his ride...which at 7 am is four hours away. He is gaining mania with each minute, talking louder, asking repeated questions and planning on how to spend his money when he cashes his check on the way...oh yeah I drive him and take him to the bank and help him make his list of how he will spend his money (which he will totally ignore).

One of the girls begins to whine about her toast, great grandma starts to intervene with yet breakfast number three and my suggestion that we simply let it go leads to her (great grandma stomping out of the room). The routine is now that she will call my sister and complain and tell me she is moving, which she never does because she feels she is the youngest grandchild's protector...there was always one who she needed to protect against all.

Did I mention that I am now feeling guilty that I have been snippy with my mother, told Shawn that he needs to be anywhere but in the middle of the kitchen while I feed the girls and get laundry done. Bob and I missed the yard sale we waited all week for. The youngest grandchild is playing big time now for great grandma to rescue with a temper tantrum because the yogurt that replaced the toast is not the right flavor and I refuse to change it? Oh and Bob is getting ready for his softball game because he is smart and plays on three leagues for sanity and has a game this Saturday morning at 11...but got to stretch and all and be on the field by 10:30 at the latest for warm up so he is on the move.

Now keep in mind that all the while I am having conversations with both of my sisters who are planning to visit Mom, (one is thankfully taking her to her house for the night) talking with my daughter on the west coast doing her internship which she hates and wants to return home early. Oh and talking with her husband on the east coast in the Marines, and I have had two conversations with members of my son's family who struggle with his life circumstance. (oh yes and he has an apartment of furniture he is trying to sell on Craig's list as he tries to figure out how to get back to Chicago to pick up his cats by the end of the month because I cannot pay another month's rent).

Now this is Saturday morning at 9 by now. Suddenly I am completely aware that there is no Debbie time, that even hear my name called from a distant room is like chalk on the board and I am on my third cup of coffee to keep up but it is making me even more insane. I am now taking stock...looking...wanting to cry and realizing that I have to find me, care for me, and figure out how to balance me again. After finding my way to the kiddy pool in the back yard I sit with the girls and enjoy a few hours of sunshine. It is not until Sunday when I wake up, read my codependency forever book (again! and only part of it) decide to go to church, alone or with makes no difference that the world begins to turn a bit. For a few hours in that church I am free, I am back with my faith and grace seeps into my heart. It is not easy for us codependents when we take off the superman jersey but we got to do it! I am off to work mode now and have plans for completing some big things on my table. Today feels okay.

Saturday Mornings

Who does not love Saturday mornings? I love them. There are Saturdays when the list of to do's is long but even then it feels good. Taking care of home, enjoying work at the pace I choose. Playing a bit of catch in the back yard during lunch. Or sitting in bed with my lap top til ten...ah love those lazy Saturday mornings. Everyone is home and we get to be family. Simple!

The there are the summer Yard sales-got to love buying someone's junk. We do it all the time. Of course then we have a day like this one that we take a truck load of junk to the dump..all the spare parts and would be projects. I hear the yard sale down the street calling me right now!

By the end of the day I get to sit with a giant ice tea, feel the sun on my face and know that I have done good work! I love Saturdays!